Alright, this one is from ksst, and I'm going to be honest here: There are aspect of this question that I don't like one bit. In fact, I rather hate this question. Lol. Mostly because that time in my life sucked monkey butts and I'm not proud of my behavior. However, it was a legitimate and genuine question that deserves a post of its own.
"I'm very intrigued by his reaction to discovering you were playing
around with D/s online. What were some of the rules he first
implemented with you? Did he immediately declare you were his
submissive? What was your reaction to that, if so? Or did it take a
little bit of time before you both began calling it D/s?
Did you ever ask to have any particular rules instituted? How did he react? Was there any hindsight is 20/20 on that?"
When he discovered that I was playing around online, he was royally pissed. He had asked at some point, you see--if I was screwing around, and I had lied. Repeatedly.
Our relationship had been a mess for some time at that point. Really, the year leading up to that was the worst time ever in our relationship, and we had seriously discussed going our separate ways. I make it sounds like a civil discussion, but it wasn't. None of it.
He said that if I wanted to submit, I would submit to him, and only him. I didn't want to. Online was easy. It didn't really matter to me if I pleased anyone, or actually did as I was told--when it came right down to it, I could do whatever the hell I wanted. If he was going to Dominate me, in our house, in real life, for realz...That was a scary thought because I knew it would be different.
Part of me was afraid that he would find out that I was more twisted than he knew, and couldn't handle it. Mostly though, I was afraid it would be real and I would have to actually submit, as opposed to just playing at it when the mood struck me. Yet...I did want it. I wanted it in a way that I was unfamiliar with wanting anything.
We started out strictly bedroom. I think this worked for a few reasons--the learning curve went better than it might have if we had just jumped all in, I wasn't really in a place to do as he told me outside of the bedroom, he was terribly pissed off at me, and did I mention that we were a real mess? I think that I was incapable of submitting outside of the bedroom a that point. One has to...Give over and give in. And I wasn't going to do that. Until I asked to expand beyond the bedroom, but then maybe we already had before I asked...
First rules...No lying. No contact with other Dominants. No online interactions at all, really--read but don't speak, basically.
I think that a few years went by before I typed one word online.
While I did a lot of silent reading, the start of this blog was the first time in years that I had uttered a word online.
I have, in fact, asked for certain rules to be instated. Sometimes he will institute them, and other times he will ignore the request completely. Then there are the times when he ignores it, then six months later, bam--there the damn thing is. That's usually because he felt that I wasn't initially ready for something.
There has been some hindsight is 20/20 in that, yes.
For one thing, there's absolutely no point in having and following a rule if it isn't in some way important to him. Even the rules that are just for me are there because he personally feels they are important in some way. I no longer feel that his implementing a rule which was my idea means that it's not important to him, because I know that he wouldn't even consider it if he didn't find it meaningful/important. I also now know that he won't implement a rule if he feels that I am not ready for it.
For two, one has to carefully consider how it will actually work if a rule is asked for and becomes a reality. Having a meltdown and falling on my face is never pretty. Especially if the whole crux of the matter is something that I asked for in the first place. And then, what happens if you ask for it, but it turns out that you hate living it?
I think that there will actually be more here on this concept soon because of circumstances around revising the book.
I hope that I have adequately answered your questions ksst. I am sorry that I didn't respond directly and clearly to all of your queries, but these memories are like a story to me, and I think that sometimes a little bit of the story is the best way to reach the answer.
Showing posts with label Our story. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Our story. Show all posts
Tuesday, March 11, 2014
Sunday, March 9, 2014
Q & A Round Five--The Cup, A How, and...
From mc kitten:
I'd love to know more about the peeing in the cup every morning thing -what's all that about, control, presumably? Do you just have to go off and do it and then show him, or do it in front of him, or does he hold it and you have to hope your aim isn't off, or what?!
I really wanted to leave her hanging for a few days, but it turns out I couldn't come up with something else to write about, so there goes the suspense.
I hate the cup. Seriously, who pees in a cup for any reason besides being prodded by doctors, or drug tested by suspicious employers??
I'm tempted to say that he's an ass and that's what it's about--sounds about right from my end...However; yes, it's about control. And the fact that I hate it so much merely seems to contribute to the validity of this insanely cruel abuse of power.
I always have to pee as soon as I get up. In fact, I am usually up just because of that reason. So it's one of his little ways of digging in the claws without ever even having to open his eyes.
I stumble out of bed and do it in front of him. Yes, aim is important--no one wants to start the day by scrubbing the bedroom floor.
Have I mentioned how very much I hate this rule? He said it was temporary, and if I could behave it might go away. It's been nearly a year now (I think) and the damn cup is still here. Draw your own conclusions about my behavior or his cruelty. Hmph.
A question from litle girl:
How was the idea of D/s brought into your relationship? Who's idea was it and what was the other person's initial reaction?
I have briefly covered this topic on the Our Story page, and elsewhere here, mostly towards the beginning of the blog in it's ancient history (four is old until you turn five. I know this because my five year old said so. *Nods).
I discovered D/s in chat rooms and began experimenting online on my own. I didn't bring it up with him partly because I was afraid that he would think I was too twisted, but mostly because I was afraid he would go for it and it would be...More real than I could handle.
Long story short, he caught me and decided that if I was interested in D/s, it would be only with him. There was really none of that lovely negotiation stuff you read about all the time...To say that he was pissed off would be like calling a hurricane spring showers. We started in the bedroom only, but it became clear after a short period of time that it couldn't stay there.
Me? I think that really I was just scared. It was easy to play around because that's what it was for me--play. And with him...While he can be a playful person, he does not play at D/s. Never has, and never will.
And last, but not least, a question from Petal's Master:
In everyday life is there something about you/your partner that might indicate your lifestyle choice?
Mostly I would think that anyone familiar with D/s would pick us out because of our mannerisms with each other, and how our decision making process works. As far as physical things, I wear my collar every time I leave the house. It's a fairly fancy choker, and it doesn't look like anything besides a normal piece of jewelry. Though, I suppose that over time, people might come to wonder why I always wear it no matter what...
Thank you all for the questions! I am so happy that people are taking the time to inspire me. I needed it something desperate. So if there are any more....?
I'll be putting together a post with the questions for Alpha soon. I consider myself to be a very punctual person and he is...Not. so you know, aiming for sometime in the near future here.
I'd love to know more about the peeing in the cup every morning thing -what's all that about, control, presumably? Do you just have to go off and do it and then show him, or do it in front of him, or does he hold it and you have to hope your aim isn't off, or what?!
I really wanted to leave her hanging for a few days, but it turns out I couldn't come up with something else to write about, so there goes the suspense.
I hate the cup. Seriously, who pees in a cup for any reason besides being prodded by doctors, or drug tested by suspicious employers??
I'm tempted to say that he's an ass and that's what it's about--sounds about right from my end...However; yes, it's about control. And the fact that I hate it so much merely seems to contribute to the validity of this insanely cruel abuse of power.
I always have to pee as soon as I get up. In fact, I am usually up just because of that reason. So it's one of his little ways of digging in the claws without ever even having to open his eyes.
I stumble out of bed and do it in front of him. Yes, aim is important--no one wants to start the day by scrubbing the bedroom floor.
Have I mentioned how very much I hate this rule? He said it was temporary, and if I could behave it might go away. It's been nearly a year now (I think) and the damn cup is still here. Draw your own conclusions about my behavior or his cruelty. Hmph.
A question from litle girl:
How was the idea of D/s brought into your relationship? Who's idea was it and what was the other person's initial reaction?
I have briefly covered this topic on the Our Story page, and elsewhere here, mostly towards the beginning of the blog in it's ancient history (four is old until you turn five. I know this because my five year old said so. *Nods).
I discovered D/s in chat rooms and began experimenting online on my own. I didn't bring it up with him partly because I was afraid that he would think I was too twisted, but mostly because I was afraid he would go for it and it would be...More real than I could handle.
Long story short, he caught me and decided that if I was interested in D/s, it would be only with him. There was really none of that lovely negotiation stuff you read about all the time...To say that he was pissed off would be like calling a hurricane spring showers. We started in the bedroom only, but it became clear after a short period of time that it couldn't stay there.
Me? I think that really I was just scared. It was easy to play around because that's what it was for me--play. And with him...While he can be a playful person, he does not play at D/s. Never has, and never will.
And last, but not least, a question from Petal's Master:
In everyday life is there something about you/your partner that might indicate your lifestyle choice?
Mostly I would think that anyone familiar with D/s would pick us out because of our mannerisms with each other, and how our decision making process works. As far as physical things, I wear my collar every time I leave the house. It's a fairly fancy choker, and it doesn't look like anything besides a normal piece of jewelry. Though, I suppose that over time, people might come to wonder why I always wear it no matter what...
Thank you all for the questions! I am so happy that people are taking the time to inspire me. I needed it something desperate. So if there are any more....?
I'll be putting together a post with the questions for Alpha soon. I consider myself to be a very punctual person and he is...Not. so you know, aiming for sometime in the near future here.
Wednesday, October 3, 2012
Confession, Absolution, and Truth
If you are a deeply religious person and arrived here by some perverse act of Google, this is not what you were looking for (just in case the adult blog warning didn't cue you in).
I can count the number of times I have been in church on one hand. I used to have dreams about being burnt alive in them, and just really never developed a desire to be there. It's a mystery. Lol.
As a child, my fathers church was his garden, and somehow things turned out very much the same for me--the mountains became my version of God. I came to believe that God isn't about the name we give him/her, but about the intent with which we address our prayers.
The place between Alpha and I where there is nothing else in the world is our church. It is where we grieve, celebrate, attempt to better ourselves, confess our sins, and wash away everything that is impure.
I don't believe f going to confession and being absolved of my sins--I kind of tend to think that if you were an asshole yesterday, you're still going to be one tomorrow and it's not going to change a whole lot just because you confessed your sins.
There was a time when I kept secrets from Alpha. Big secrets, little secrets, it didn't matter--they were mine, and I used them to carefully construct a very large wall between us.
We had been at ttwd for a going on two years when I finally couldn't do it any more. I hadn't created new secrets, and he knew almost everything, but there were things he still wasn't aware of.
I was eight months pregnant with our second son, and I knew my few little secrets were the last pieces of the wall between us.
For me, childbirth was a bit like walking that very fine line between life and death. That line where, in the end, one must make a choice which side they will land on. And I couldn't do it again with my little wall between us.
I we sat outside and I told him every little thing I could think of that I had done wrong or lied about. I thought he was going to be livid. My hormones were out to get me and I just knew he was never going to love me again.
He asked me one question. Held me, and never mentioned that night again.
And I realized not only that I loved him beyond my wildest fantasies of love, but that he loved me in ways I had never even fathomed before.
I mean, how amazing is a man who does that?
Things changed markedly. There was no longer any real barrier between us, and since then, I have gone by the creed "If you can't admit it to Alpha, don't do it."
Sometimes we let little white lies build, sometimes we keep bigger untruths to ourselves. And ultimately, those things fill the space between us, growing into larger barriers that keep us apart.
Looking back, I think that giving Alpha my truth was one of the biggest steps I ever took in submission.
It gave us a clean slate, a place where there was nothing from the outside left between us. Where the purity of our love could conquer all that came before.
I confess to him, he gives me absolution or points out that there are things from which no one is absolved.
And we live our truth together.
I can count the number of times I have been in church on one hand. I used to have dreams about being burnt alive in them, and just really never developed a desire to be there. It's a mystery. Lol.
As a child, my fathers church was his garden, and somehow things turned out very much the same for me--the mountains became my version of God. I came to believe that God isn't about the name we give him/her, but about the intent with which we address our prayers.
The place between Alpha and I where there is nothing else in the world is our church. It is where we grieve, celebrate, attempt to better ourselves, confess our sins, and wash away everything that is impure.
I don't believe f going to confession and being absolved of my sins--I kind of tend to think that if you were an asshole yesterday, you're still going to be one tomorrow and it's not going to change a whole lot just because you confessed your sins.
There was a time when I kept secrets from Alpha. Big secrets, little secrets, it didn't matter--they were mine, and I used them to carefully construct a very large wall between us.
We had been at ttwd for a going on two years when I finally couldn't do it any more. I hadn't created new secrets, and he knew almost everything, but there were things he still wasn't aware of.
I was eight months pregnant with our second son, and I knew my few little secrets were the last pieces of the wall between us.
For me, childbirth was a bit like walking that very fine line between life and death. That line where, in the end, one must make a choice which side they will land on. And I couldn't do it again with my little wall between us.
I we sat outside and I told him every little thing I could think of that I had done wrong or lied about. I thought he was going to be livid. My hormones were out to get me and I just knew he was never going to love me again.
He asked me one question. Held me, and never mentioned that night again.
And I realized not only that I loved him beyond my wildest fantasies of love, but that he loved me in ways I had never even fathomed before.
I mean, how amazing is a man who does that?
Things changed markedly. There was no longer any real barrier between us, and since then, I have gone by the creed "If you can't admit it to Alpha, don't do it."
Sometimes we let little white lies build, sometimes we keep bigger untruths to ourselves. And ultimately, those things fill the space between us, growing into larger barriers that keep us apart.
Looking back, I think that giving Alpha my truth was one of the biggest steps I ever took in submission.
It gave us a clean slate, a place where there was nothing from the outside left between us. Where the purity of our love could conquer all that came before.
I confess to him, he gives me absolution or points out that there are things from which no one is absolved.
And we live our truth together.
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
Road to Redemption
I will be amazed if anyone makes it more than halfway through this ramble lol. I won't blame you for giving up. I promise.
And against my better advice you have decided to give it a go...
It's a long haul--the road to redemption. And I have been on it for a very long time.
This blog was my first foray back onto the internet after having done some very bad things and getting caught. We were falling apart and my secret antics weren't helping anything. Alpha had even given me permission to fuck around. With one condition--I had to tell Him.
Then I discovered I liked things I was afraid to admit to. And while I was at it, I managed to form a completely unrelated attachment to another man in a non D/s way.
Yea, lying is bad (in case anybody hadn't realized that. You know, my mistakes are your public service message lol). He read my IM's, the man I mentioned before called our house in the middle of the night, I had pretty much fucked up ten ways to the moon only skipping physical cheating on my way there.
In all fairness to me Alpha wasn't at His overall best either. He just dealt with and expressed our issues in different ways (hey, I sometimes find submission quite unfair, so if I want to be fair to myself on my blog, then pfbt).
This was about 5 years ago (I swear having children makes time blend together). And to this day I hate talking about it. I hate seeing the words on a page, I can't stand the feelings I get when I think about it.
Mostly? I hate seeing it on the page and knowing He will read it. And be reminded of what He already knows. And I will feel icky.
But this post isn't about my mistakes as much as it is about where we are now.
The start of this blog came with conditions.
I could roam blogland to my hearts content and comment wherever I wished. I could talk privately to subs as much as I wanted. He got access to everything. And there was to be no contact with other Dominants outside of blog comments--at all. And if I did, there better be a damn good and immediate explanation.
Some people will say I got off easy, and some will say these rules came from insecurity on Alpha's part. Quite frankly, I'll disagree with both stances. Because while our arrangement is not what I would call "fair," I do feel these conditions are just.
And in a way, I needed those rules to feel like I was on the path to redemption. When we first started ttwd, I thought He was just going to beat the crap out of me. Take the anger I knew He had been saving and let it go on my ass (because the man was far to calm. It was like when children are quiet--you just know bad things are coming).
Part of me wanted that very badly. But it didn't happen. Oh no, He eventually chose to go a much more painful route and continue on it for a very long time--He made me talk about it. At the most random and intimate moments, He would ask me questions about what I had been doing out here in the big wide world of the web.
And yea, I have a hard time even telling Him that I like something He's doing to me.
Fucking.
Brutal.
Over the course of the last five years, I have never requested to talk to another Dominant, I have never had any conversations or need to explain them. I never wanted to.
This is going to a far more innocent place than you think. Gimme some credit.
The other day I got an email response to a comment I left on a Dominant blog. Nothing really. A simple short response and the fact that He liked my blog.
And I wanted to respond to it. Because I have been reading there for a very long time. And I like that this person likes my blog.
And I don't really have much to say.
But I have to ask Alpha.
And the answer will tell me how far along I have come on my path to redemption.
It took me a little while to ask. Not because it would have really made a difference whether or not I could, but because saying no would mean that I hadn't earned back His trust.
Which, at this point? Would be pretty crushing to my little world.
I cannot hide anything from Him. Now this one is really weird, because it's hard to find words for the feeling I get when I even think about it...Icky maybe. A long time ago I learned that there is a feeling of filth you just can't wash off. It crawls under your skin, and consumes you from the inside out. This is going to make zero sense if you have never had an experience that made you feel this way; however, the feeling I am trying to describe is like a mild version of that in a very different way (told you to give up at the very beginning didn't I).
And I feel like my entire soul is bare to Him.
So for Him to doubt me would be...Absolutely shitty.
When you trust someone with more than your life, and they don't trust you in return...Well that's just fucked isn't it.
It's odd, this space I find myself in. How deeply He has gotten to me. How entwined I am in Him.
When I was done creating Mount Everest out of a single grain of sand (you can see why, no matter how short my little redemption trail could have been, it had to be long. Just 'cuz...)
I found out that I have made it a long way down this crazy road called redemption. And maybe His answer wasn't just about me, but my choice of who I wanted to talk to. Either way, it doesn't really matter.
Because we have finally gotten to that place where I am not just a whore. I am His whore. And that one little word makes all the difference in the world.
And if you made it all the way to this point (don't say I didn't warn you), you seriously deserve coffee. And probably chocolate too.
I have consumed massive amounts of both over the course of my road to redemption.
And against my better advice you have decided to give it a go...
It's a long haul--the road to redemption. And I have been on it for a very long time.
This blog was my first foray back onto the internet after having done some very bad things and getting caught. We were falling apart and my secret antics weren't helping anything. Alpha had even given me permission to fuck around. With one condition--I had to tell Him.
Then I discovered I liked things I was afraid to admit to. And while I was at it, I managed to form a completely unrelated attachment to another man in a non D/s way.
Yea, lying is bad (in case anybody hadn't realized that. You know, my mistakes are your public service message lol). He read my IM's, the man I mentioned before called our house in the middle of the night, I had pretty much fucked up ten ways to the moon only skipping physical cheating on my way there.
In all fairness to me Alpha wasn't at His overall best either. He just dealt with and expressed our issues in different ways (hey, I sometimes find submission quite unfair, so if I want to be fair to myself on my blog, then pfbt).
This was about 5 years ago (I swear having children makes time blend together). And to this day I hate talking about it. I hate seeing the words on a page, I can't stand the feelings I get when I think about it.
Mostly? I hate seeing it on the page and knowing He will read it. And be reminded of what He already knows. And I will feel icky.
But this post isn't about my mistakes as much as it is about where we are now.
The start of this blog came with conditions.
I could roam blogland to my hearts content and comment wherever I wished. I could talk privately to subs as much as I wanted. He got access to everything. And there was to be no contact with other Dominants outside of blog comments--at all. And if I did, there better be a damn good and immediate explanation.
Some people will say I got off easy, and some will say these rules came from insecurity on Alpha's part. Quite frankly, I'll disagree with both stances. Because while our arrangement is not what I would call "fair," I do feel these conditions are just.
And in a way, I needed those rules to feel like I was on the path to redemption. When we first started ttwd, I thought He was just going to beat the crap out of me. Take the anger I knew He had been saving and let it go on my ass (because the man was far to calm. It was like when children are quiet--you just know bad things are coming).
Part of me wanted that very badly. But it didn't happen. Oh no, He eventually chose to go a much more painful route and continue on it for a very long time--He made me talk about it. At the most random and intimate moments, He would ask me questions about what I had been doing out here in the big wide world of the web.
And yea, I have a hard time even telling Him that I like something He's doing to me.
Fucking.
Brutal.
Over the course of the last five years, I have never requested to talk to another Dominant, I have never had any conversations or need to explain them. I never wanted to.
This is going to a far more innocent place than you think. Gimme some credit.
The other day I got an email response to a comment I left on a Dominant blog. Nothing really. A simple short response and the fact that He liked my blog.
And I wanted to respond to it. Because I have been reading there for a very long time. And I like that this person likes my blog.
And I don't really have much to say.
But I have to ask Alpha.
And the answer will tell me how far along I have come on my path to redemption.
It took me a little while to ask. Not because it would have really made a difference whether or not I could, but because saying no would mean that I hadn't earned back His trust.
Which, at this point? Would be pretty crushing to my little world.
I cannot hide anything from Him. Now this one is really weird, because it's hard to find words for the feeling I get when I even think about it...Icky maybe. A long time ago I learned that there is a feeling of filth you just can't wash off. It crawls under your skin, and consumes you from the inside out. This is going to make zero sense if you have never had an experience that made you feel this way; however, the feeling I am trying to describe is like a mild version of that in a very different way (told you to give up at the very beginning didn't I).
And I feel like my entire soul is bare to Him.
So for Him to doubt me would be...Absolutely shitty.
When you trust someone with more than your life, and they don't trust you in return...Well that's just fucked isn't it.
It's odd, this space I find myself in. How deeply He has gotten to me. How entwined I am in Him.
When I was done creating Mount Everest out of a single grain of sand (you can see why, no matter how short my little redemption trail could have been, it had to be long. Just 'cuz...)
I found out that I have made it a long way down this crazy road called redemption. And maybe His answer wasn't just about me, but my choice of who I wanted to talk to. Either way, it doesn't really matter.
Because we have finally gotten to that place where I am not just a whore. I am His whore. And that one little word makes all the difference in the world.
And if you made it all the way to this point (don't say I didn't warn you), you seriously deserve coffee. And probably chocolate too.
I have consumed massive amounts of both over the course of my road to redemption.
Monday, June 27, 2011
Ooh, the teen years--Happy Anniversary
We got together thirteen years ago today.
And seven years ago today, we made that leap of faith called marriage. It has been a rocky road with many ups and downs, some wrong turns and breaks in the road. But I have no regrets. Every step we took has led us to where and what we are today.
Sometimes I think that You are, or will become, bored with me. And it's a little bit scary because You are my everything.
Every now and then, I get worried that You will find someone better--because occasionally I wonder why You chose me and how I could be so lucky.
But here we are, thirteen years in. And we are better than we were before. Our love has become something I thought existed only in fairy tales and I do truly love you more than I ever thought I could.
And seven years ago today, we made that leap of faith called marriage. It has been a rocky road with many ups and downs, some wrong turns and breaks in the road. But I have no regrets. Every step we took has led us to where and what we are today.
Sometimes I think that You are, or will become, bored with me. And it's a little bit scary because You are my everything.
Every now and then, I get worried that You will find someone better--because occasionally I wonder why You chose me and how I could be so lucky.
But here we are, thirteen years in. And we are better than we were before. Our love has become something I thought existed only in fairy tales and I do truly love you more than I ever thought I could.
You have given me more than I ever believed was possible.
I am grateful for Your Dominance,
thankful for Your love,
and honored to be Yours.
Here we are, thirteen years in.
And I love You more than ever before.
We are better than I ever thought we could be.
We are closer than I ever thought possible.
My beloved Master, Husband, lover, friend, confidante, protector,
I love You more than words can say.
I am yours all ways and forever.
My beloved Master, Husband, lover, friend, confidante, protector,
I love You more than words can say.
I am yours all ways and forever.
Happy anniversary my Love.
Sunday, March 27, 2011
The Game
My dad taught me how to play chess when I was 7 years old. It took me months of playing every day to beat him once. Then many more months after that to repeat my victory. Alpha and I taught our eldest to play when he was 4. He can win now when he's paying attention.
I still remember the first time Alpha and I played chess. I won. And He was surprised to say the least because He's good. Very good. Then I lost, several times lol. I'm not a gracious loser and He's a less than gracious winner (I mean, my pride is already wounded, there's really no need to rub it in is there?). We eventually got to the point where we simply would not play each other. It was so bad that we couldn't even be in a room with people learning how to play--we would each pick a player to mentor and it would deteriorate to the two of us squabbling over the board while the players themselves tried to disappear into the furniture regretting their questionable choice in having asked for assistance in the first place (hey, nobody wants to lose right, they could have been more appreciative and less squirmy you know).
Nowadays Alpha and I play the occasional game of chess. I'm more gracious about losing because I appreciate being Dominated by someone who can not only match me mentally, but win as well. He's a slightly more gracious winner (only slightly, I did say some posts back that the man is arrogant). I'm, well, I am about the same when winning as I was before--I figure I earned all my gloating by fighting for it tooth and nail. Though, perhaps I do rub it in a bit less than I used to. When He's on the losing end...Well, He's a bit less rabid about it. But only because He can guarantee me an ass whipping of another sort afterward lol.
Anyways, experiences aside, it's a wonderful game. It's not about luck, it's about strategy and skill. It's about the ability to plan ahead without getting so caught up in your plan that you lose sight of what's happening on the board because the game is always changing. Pieces move, some leave the board, one moment of inattention will cost you the game, and there's no taking moves back. It's about being passionate enough to invest your mind fully in the game, yet still achieving some level of detachment as you watch your castles fall and your knights get their heads chopped off (see, it really does reflect real life! Told you so). Because without the passion, it is not possible to develop your skills. And without the detachment, it is not possible to apply those skills (ahem, see any similarities between chess and D/s here?). Not that detachment is my strong point or anything...
You often learn more by losing than you do by winning. And if you consider yourself to be a good player, despite the sting of losing, you give more respect each time your opponent wins. Kind of like being submissive--the wrong move will cost you dearly, but the losses are acceptable because your Dominant is worthy of the wins. And, well, you do tend to learn more when you lose lol.
I still remember the first time Alpha and I played chess. I won. And He was surprised to say the least because He's good. Very good. Then I lost, several times lol. I'm not a gracious loser and He's a less than gracious winner (I mean, my pride is already wounded, there's really no need to rub it in is there?). We eventually got to the point where we simply would not play each other. It was so bad that we couldn't even be in a room with people learning how to play--we would each pick a player to mentor and it would deteriorate to the two of us squabbling over the board while the players themselves tried to disappear into the furniture regretting their questionable choice in having asked for assistance in the first place (hey, nobody wants to lose right, they could have been more appreciative and less squirmy you know).
Nowadays Alpha and I play the occasional game of chess. I'm more gracious about losing because I appreciate being Dominated by someone who can not only match me mentally, but win as well. He's a slightly more gracious winner (only slightly, I did say some posts back that the man is arrogant). I'm, well, I am about the same when winning as I was before--I figure I earned all my gloating by fighting for it tooth and nail. Though, perhaps I do rub it in a bit less than I used to. When He's on the losing end...Well, He's a bit less rabid about it. But only because He can guarantee me an ass whipping of another sort afterward lol.
Anyways, experiences aside, it's a wonderful game. It's not about luck, it's about strategy and skill. It's about the ability to plan ahead without getting so caught up in your plan that you lose sight of what's happening on the board because the game is always changing. Pieces move, some leave the board, one moment of inattention will cost you the game, and there's no taking moves back. It's about being passionate enough to invest your mind fully in the game, yet still achieving some level of detachment as you watch your castles fall and your knights get their heads chopped off (see, it really does reflect real life! Told you so). Because without the passion, it is not possible to develop your skills. And without the detachment, it is not possible to apply those skills (ahem, see any similarities between chess and D/s here?). Not that detachment is my strong point or anything...
You often learn more by losing than you do by winning. And if you consider yourself to be a good player, despite the sting of losing, you give more respect each time your opponent wins. Kind of like being submissive--the wrong move will cost you dearly, but the losses are acceptable because your Dominant is worthy of the wins. And, well, you do tend to learn more when you lose lol.
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Rules and "oh shit" moments
For the person who asked my last Formspring question, this post is going to expand on my answer a bit.
A little while back I said I was heading for an "oh shit" moment. Yea, moment arriving and continuing lol. As any sub who has introduced the concept of BDSM into their relationship or asked for more knows, they can be rather common lol. We said goodbye to the safe word, then I asked to step things up a bit. A totally back-asswards way of going about things. He's making me nervous. I wouldn't say it's a bad thing, but I have become painfully aware of my lack of recourse in any given situation. We will have a night to ourselves on Monday (holy shit, miracles do happen!), and the possibilities are almost endless...Anyways, our little shift, and my recent Formpring question have brought a lot more focus to the rules. For some reason, it is a lot easier for me to do a post saying that Alpha pissed all over me than it is to write one that tells what my rules are. You wouldn't think that they would be more personal lol, but there you have it.
So, in the interest of focusing on the previously unwritten and often understated rules, here they are:
The single most important rule is that I will always be honest. Truth is a tricky bitch to say the least.
He asks as many questions as He wants and I will answer truthfully. If He is satisfied with my performance, I get to ask one question (one question! He's cheap).
I am not allowed to masturbate unless Alpha tells me to.
I cannot cum without permission.
I have to cum on command. If I don't I'm shit out of luck.
I must ask for permission to wear underwear unless going to work.
I am not allowed to sleep clothed (which is a real bitch when it's minus twenty out there).
I must brush my teeth every morning (okay, so it's ridiculous, life is crazy though and my kids are clean so pfhbt).
No online contact with other Dominants besides public interactions through blogs. If any other type of communication occurs, I am to explain it immediately.
I submit only to Him and no one else.
When being spanked or whipped I must say please,thank you, and keep count (seriously, I doubt He put much thought into the fact that it takes a few seconds to say these things. Thus my consistent inability to keep track and be forced to start over at one).
Though it has not been put to the test yet (well, the "who" part anyways), I will fuck when and who He says, He fucks who and when He wants.
I will keep myself shaved at all times. This is the only one I get any leeway with depending on the availability of razors lol.
If I have the cell phone and miss His call, I am to call back immediately.
So there you have it. My little list of previously very private rules that will, no doubt, continue to evolve and expand over time.
A little while back I said I was heading for an "oh shit" moment. Yea, moment arriving and continuing lol. As any sub who has introduced the concept of BDSM into their relationship or asked for more knows, they can be rather common lol. We said goodbye to the safe word, then I asked to step things up a bit. A totally back-asswards way of going about things. He's making me nervous. I wouldn't say it's a bad thing, but I have become painfully aware of my lack of recourse in any given situation. We will have a night to ourselves on Monday (holy shit, miracles do happen!), and the possibilities are almost endless...Anyways, our little shift, and my recent Formpring question have brought a lot more focus to the rules. For some reason, it is a lot easier for me to do a post saying that Alpha pissed all over me than it is to write one that tells what my rules are. You wouldn't think that they would be more personal lol, but there you have it.
So, in the interest of focusing on the previously unwritten and often understated rules, here they are:
The single most important rule is that I will always be honest. Truth is a tricky bitch to say the least.
He asks as many questions as He wants and I will answer truthfully. If He is satisfied with my performance, I get to ask one question (one question! He's cheap).
I am not allowed to masturbate unless Alpha tells me to.
I cannot cum without permission.
I have to cum on command. If I don't I'm shit out of luck.
I must ask for permission to wear underwear unless going to work.
I am not allowed to sleep clothed (which is a real bitch when it's minus twenty out there).
I must brush my teeth every morning (okay, so it's ridiculous, life is crazy though and my kids are clean so pfhbt).
No online contact with other Dominants besides public interactions through blogs. If any other type of communication occurs, I am to explain it immediately.
I submit only to Him and no one else.
When being spanked or whipped I must say please,thank you, and keep count (seriously, I doubt He put much thought into the fact that it takes a few seconds to say these things. Thus my consistent inability to keep track and be forced to start over at one).
Though it has not been put to the test yet (well, the "who" part anyways), I will fuck when and who He says, He fucks who and when He wants.
I will keep myself shaved at all times. This is the only one I get any leeway with depending on the availability of razors lol.
If I have the cell phone and miss His call, I am to call back immediately.
So there you have it. My little list of previously very private rules that will, no doubt, continue to evolve and expand over time.
Saturday, January 8, 2011
How we work
my backs gone out again and i woke up with a complimentary migraine, so my ramblings may be even more random than usual today lol.
Last night as M was rubbing my back (yes, He's a big sadistic meany but He loves me and love is good), he brought up how i have been thinking about how we got here and what made our relationship what it is today. The event He feels was our turning point really surprised me. He said that it was the birth of our children. He said that something about seeing me in so much pain and having that experience together (some people are graceful during childbirth and don't seem to regret the decision to go without drugs; me not so much lol), changed everything. Thinking back on it, those really were the most bonding experiences we have ever had. He was amazing. It took our second child 69 hours to make his way into the world. twice as long as the first (they lied to me you know, everyone said the second would come quicker). i think M slept all of four hours and left my side for a whopping five minutes the whole time. He truly was amazing. i wonder if that was when He began to see beauty in pain. i would say that it doesn't really matter how we got here, but isn't the journey as important as where you're going?
So, what makes a vanilla to D/s marriage work? i really don't know honestly. i imagine much the same things that make any other D/s relationship function well. It's just important to realize the differences (if you're transitioning into D/s anyways). If you are married, it's safe to assume that you know each other well, have established routines, and have formed a foundation for the relationship. When you begin to transition the things you think you know about one another are challenged, your routines change, the foundation begins to shake and crack because it is changing shape. Over the previous years during life as you knew it, even if the marriage has been good, things have been done and said that cannot be taken back. When D/s is integrated, all that shit is going to come back up and probably bite you in the ass. That can be really rough stuff to deal with. Remember that foundation? It's already shaken and began changing shape so the things you thought you knew to be true before don't seem quite so infallible and solid any more. Things that didn't mean anything before have moved up in importance and things you thought mattered don't seem quite so big any more. But that's okay because one of the most beautiful things about ttwd seems to be that it is an ever evolving process of mutual growth (hopefully). It takes different forms for everyone. There's no one right way for everyone and many wrong ways. Every relationship is unique to its participants and so will take on different forms.
If i had to say what, in my humble opinion, are the two biggest keys to making it work, i would choose truth and acceptance. Once there is nothing left between you except for truth, the possibilities for expansion are limitless. Now, since you already have a relationship, a bunch of shit has happened over the years. Even if you have an open an honest relationship to begin with that is basically wonderful and happy, shining light into the corners is never pretty. For me it was the spotlight turning to my past indiscretions. Having to lie there next to Him and tell Him about particular things i did in painful detail, seeing how much i had hurt Him, letting Him into all the places i had locked tight in my mind. When you hit the point of absolute truth, it's make it or break it time. Your foundation is either going to crumble irreparably, dissolving your relationship; you are going to slam those doors tight and never open them again, or you are going to walk through the cobwebs until there is nothing left in the dark and you become closer than ever before.
So now that the light is shining, where onto from here? You are going to have to accept your better half for who and what they are. If you're submissive, you are going to have to accept that getting your way is not going to be as common place as it was before (yea, still working on that one lol). And most of all, you are going to have to accept that it's a learning curve for you both. It's uncharted territory in an endless ocean of possibility. As the submissive, i had to accept that how M chose to Dominate was not up to me regardless of what i thought the "right way" was. That's not to say He didn't/doesn't listen to me because He does and that's one of the things that makes this work for us. If He didn't listen to me, He wouldn't be able to get into my head the way He does. But anyways, M never let me or anyone else choose or mold for Him how and who He was going to be as a Dominant. That was difficult for me to accept at first, but once i did, things began clicking in a new way. A really lovely and surprising way.
Acceptance is a two way street. M may change and mold me in certain ways, but he accepts me for who and what i am. That's one of the things about the glaring light of unadulterated truth--i am not accepted for who i believe myself to be or who i want Him to think i am, i am accepted for who and what i am at the core of my being. i can tell Him anything and He will still love and accept me. There may be consequences and painful emotions. But that's okay because it makes us stronger. His ability to accept me as a whore, a queen, His wife, His property, His equal, His slave, a strong woman, a complete wreck, makes total truth easier. i know i am always safe because He knows all that i am and He loves me anyways.
So there's my take on what has made our transition from vanilla to D/s successful. Though i will probably write more in this vein because i'm finding it thought provoking. If you want M's take, you will have to ask Him for it lol. i'm sure some people will agree with me and others will disagree. And that's okay because we are all unique.
Last night as M was rubbing my back (yes, He's a big sadistic meany but He loves me and love is good), he brought up how i have been thinking about how we got here and what made our relationship what it is today. The event He feels was our turning point really surprised me. He said that it was the birth of our children. He said that something about seeing me in so much pain and having that experience together (some people are graceful during childbirth and don't seem to regret the decision to go without drugs; me not so much lol), changed everything. Thinking back on it, those really were the most bonding experiences we have ever had. He was amazing. It took our second child 69 hours to make his way into the world. twice as long as the first (they lied to me you know, everyone said the second would come quicker). i think M slept all of four hours and left my side for a whopping five minutes the whole time. He truly was amazing. i wonder if that was when He began to see beauty in pain. i would say that it doesn't really matter how we got here, but isn't the journey as important as where you're going?
So, what makes a vanilla to D/s marriage work? i really don't know honestly. i imagine much the same things that make any other D/s relationship function well. It's just important to realize the differences (if you're transitioning into D/s anyways). If you are married, it's safe to assume that you know each other well, have established routines, and have formed a foundation for the relationship. When you begin to transition the things you think you know about one another are challenged, your routines change, the foundation begins to shake and crack because it is changing shape. Over the previous years during life as you knew it, even if the marriage has been good, things have been done and said that cannot be taken back. When D/s is integrated, all that shit is going to come back up and probably bite you in the ass. That can be really rough stuff to deal with. Remember that foundation? It's already shaken and began changing shape so the things you thought you knew to be true before don't seem quite so infallible and solid any more. Things that didn't mean anything before have moved up in importance and things you thought mattered don't seem quite so big any more. But that's okay because one of the most beautiful things about ttwd seems to be that it is an ever evolving process of mutual growth (hopefully). It takes different forms for everyone. There's no one right way for everyone and many wrong ways. Every relationship is unique to its participants and so will take on different forms.
If i had to say what, in my humble opinion, are the two biggest keys to making it work, i would choose truth and acceptance. Once there is nothing left between you except for truth, the possibilities for expansion are limitless. Now, since you already have a relationship, a bunch of shit has happened over the years. Even if you have an open an honest relationship to begin with that is basically wonderful and happy, shining light into the corners is never pretty. For me it was the spotlight turning to my past indiscretions. Having to lie there next to Him and tell Him about particular things i did in painful detail, seeing how much i had hurt Him, letting Him into all the places i had locked tight in my mind. When you hit the point of absolute truth, it's make it or break it time. Your foundation is either going to crumble irreparably, dissolving your relationship; you are going to slam those doors tight and never open them again, or you are going to walk through the cobwebs until there is nothing left in the dark and you become closer than ever before.
So now that the light is shining, where onto from here? You are going to have to accept your better half for who and what they are. If you're submissive, you are going to have to accept that getting your way is not going to be as common place as it was before (yea, still working on that one lol). And most of all, you are going to have to accept that it's a learning curve for you both. It's uncharted territory in an endless ocean of possibility. As the submissive, i had to accept that how M chose to Dominate was not up to me regardless of what i thought the "right way" was. That's not to say He didn't/doesn't listen to me because He does and that's one of the things that makes this work for us. If He didn't listen to me, He wouldn't be able to get into my head the way He does. But anyways, M never let me or anyone else choose or mold for Him how and who He was going to be as a Dominant. That was difficult for me to accept at first, but once i did, things began clicking in a new way. A really lovely and surprising way.
Acceptance is a two way street. M may change and mold me in certain ways, but he accepts me for who and what i am. That's one of the things about the glaring light of unadulterated truth--i am not accepted for who i believe myself to be or who i want Him to think i am, i am accepted for who and what i am at the core of my being. i can tell Him anything and He will still love and accept me. There may be consequences and painful emotions. But that's okay because it makes us stronger. His ability to accept me as a whore, a queen, His wife, His property, His equal, His slave, a strong woman, a complete wreck, makes total truth easier. i know i am always safe because He knows all that i am and He loves me anyways.
So there's my take on what has made our transition from vanilla to D/s successful. Though i will probably write more in this vein because i'm finding it thought provoking. If you want M's take, you will have to ask Him for it lol. i'm sure some people will agree with me and others will disagree. And that's okay because we are all unique.
Some clarification
i got a special request for some clarification. So here's Your clarification Baby.
He said something about training that started before either of us was conscious of it or had a concept of what was happening. Then He leaned over me and stated firmly in that slightly irritated commanding tone, "if you're going to post things on your blog like I've been training you since you were fifteen, you should makes some clarifications." All this time and He's never once requested anything about the blog so i guess it's only fair lol. i grinned at Him, "sounded bad didn't it. What would you like me to clarify baby?" I got the raised eyebrow "for starters, the fact that you came after Me." my not so solemn reply was "and?" "And I gave you many opportunities to run away. Sometimes you did."
Yes, in the interests of clarification, i wanted Him bad. i knew the six year age gap was a big issue for Him so i asked Him if He was going to let it get in the way. Lucky me, He decided not to. As for opportunities to run off and ones taken...Yes, i ran too. After i got Him, i had no clue what to do with Him. But i always ran back. And He let me.
In the beginning we were what i would call mostly vanilla. me to young and deeply scarred to admit to or realize anything else, and Him just...Himself. A Dominant character yet soft and with no idea of what a Dominant was or that there was such a thing as training another human being. i suppose that being the one with an understanding of how the real world worked, He was always Dominant in some respects. But i think the whole concept of what happened in all those years before we discovered D/s is that He molded me quite a bit simply because He was such a huge part of my growth into an adult. i mean, He even taught me how to drive lol.
my Love, my darling Master and Husband, if you want the world to have more clarification than that, would you be kind enough to leave a comment and save me a lot of stumbling around? And pretty please be sure to use Your own id. For clarification and all...
Lol. i love you. If you decide to beat me can it be for mutual pleasure?
He said something about training that started before either of us was conscious of it or had a concept of what was happening. Then He leaned over me and stated firmly in that slightly irritated commanding tone, "if you're going to post things on your blog like I've been training you since you were fifteen, you should makes some clarifications." All this time and He's never once requested anything about the blog so i guess it's only fair lol. i grinned at Him, "sounded bad didn't it. What would you like me to clarify baby?" I got the raised eyebrow "for starters, the fact that you came after Me." my not so solemn reply was "and?" "And I gave you many opportunities to run away. Sometimes you did."
Yes, in the interests of clarification, i wanted Him bad. i knew the six year age gap was a big issue for Him so i asked Him if He was going to let it get in the way. Lucky me, He decided not to. As for opportunities to run off and ones taken...Yes, i ran too. After i got Him, i had no clue what to do with Him. But i always ran back. And He let me.
In the beginning we were what i would call mostly vanilla. me to young and deeply scarred to admit to or realize anything else, and Him just...Himself. A Dominant character yet soft and with no idea of what a Dominant was or that there was such a thing as training another human being. i suppose that being the one with an understanding of how the real world worked, He was always Dominant in some respects. But i think the whole concept of what happened in all those years before we discovered D/s is that He molded me quite a bit simply because He was such a huge part of my growth into an adult. i mean, He even taught me how to drive lol.
my Love, my darling Master and Husband, if you want the world to have more clarification than that, would you be kind enough to leave a comment and save me a lot of stumbling around? And pretty please be sure to use Your own id. For clarification and all...
Lol. i love you. If you decide to beat me can it be for mutual pleasure?
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