Tuesday, December 28, 2010

At what point does an extraneous relationship become unhealthy?

We have some type of relationship with anyone we come in regular contact with. We have a relationship with our coworkers, bosses, friends, the checkout lady who's line we always chose, and the mean one we avoid like the plague. Sure, no one wants to think they have a relationship with the fumbling pimply boy who always bags their groceries, but it is a type of extraneous relationship nonetheless. He drops my food, says have a good night when it's really morning, i smile say thanks, and walk off. That's just an example of how interaction forms minor connections all over life. The question is, at what point does an extraneous relationship become unhealthy? i mean, obviously, if the bagger boy starts following you home every time you buy milk, it's not healthy lol. But i'm really talking about more subtle issues.
Okay, getting to the point here. Anyone looking for a good BDSM read here is shit out of luck today. This is your normal everyday crap lol. So, back to my boss (no doubt anyone who reads my blog regularly is sick of hearing about it, but thanks for sticking with me anyways lol). i truly feel the relationship is becoming unhealthy but i wonder if i only feel that way because of my perception of the world--seeing things from the view of a Dominant/submissive relationship, and the fact that i don't like my job. Would i feel the way i do if i was not in a D/s relationship?
Ever met someone who Wants to be a Dominant but can't function well enough to Not have someone tell them what to do and only knows what they have read and is well aware that they won't ever actually get to be a Dom? That's my boss. So, at what point does this relationship become too unhealthy to continue (this is not one of my "keep it to yourself, i really don't want to know what the world thinks" posts, i am actually looking for input and opinions here)? Is it when i start going out of my way to dress down and be unattractive when i go to work, when he calls at 9 PM and probes about why i don't sound happy to hear from him, when he slips in a "baby" here and there, when he walks up to me wanting something and tries to sound commanding instead of just asking, is it when he buys me a haircut for Christmas, or is it when something happens that is so blatant i have to quit regardless of how badly i need the job?  i'm looking for another one, but from how the search is going, it's lucky i've got one at all. How do you curb situations like this without making things worse?

Monday, December 27, 2010


i complained about the lack of foreplay. About fifty strikes in (i lost count and the Sadistic Bastard started over lol), He said, "last night Was foreplay." Only a parent would count sleeping on the couch as foreplay! Needless to say, i won't be complaining anymore and i will certainly brush up on my counting skills lol.
We were lying there, and i asked Him why He insisted on keeping the light on every time we play or fuck (i feel that bright lighting does not highlight my best features). He looked at me sweetly and said, "because it's easier for me to tell how you are doing and make sure you're okay when i can see you. Plus you're sexy." How sweet. Then out came the riding crop. What kind of twisted shit is it to make someone keep count, say please and thank you, AND ask for more?! Lol.

Sunday, December 26, 2010


I woke up this morning with that annoying feeling of a head cold settling in. i am scheduled to work tomorrow and as there are no other attendants not on holiday, i can't just have someone cover my shift for me (it's against my bosses "rules" to show up sick. Though i'm 99% sure i got it from him anyways). i'll have to get over it by tomorrow lol.
M has been absolutely miserable this last couple of weeks. He has a broken tooth, no painkillers, and the dentist rescheduled Him twice into January. It's kind of odd how different things are now from before we were D/s. Before, His pain and/or sickness incurred what i assume are fairly standard feelings--sympathy, compassion for His suffering, wishing i could make it better, etc. Now it's all those things and something else that is difficult to put into words but is much harder to cope with. It's a feeling almost like my personal world is out of wack. Like things are not as they should be and are out of His control which is much more disconcerting than when things are out of my control lol.
M let me sleep all night (that's an awesome event when you are living off four hours of sleep and have a 2 year old that wakes up every hour). It's amazing how, once you have children, the most sweet and romantic thing in the world is having a husband who is willing to sleep on the couch so you can drool uninterrupted on your own pillow all night. i often kind of wish that we had discovered our dynamic before we had children just because of the vast range of experiences and possibilities that cannot be indulged with little people always running around. At the same time though, i was a different person and so was my body. i doubt i could have handled it on any level. Ironically, His Dominant tendencies were what attracted me most to Him in the first place (though being over six feet tall and gorgeous didn't hurt lol). The thing is, as He points out, i wanted Him but had absolutely NO idea what to do with Him ( i was fifteen, cut me a little slack. He doesn't).
i'm not sure why i am thinking about all of this today. Maybe it's because life is so different now than it was this time last year. It's amazing and disturbing how much your life can change over the course of one year. Plans are made and change, children grow, loved ones die, relationships evolve. This has been one hell of a year and i sure hope the one to come is a lot smoother.
In the end, all i know is that i love Him more now than ever before and life is to precious and short just to let it pass you by.

Saturday, December 25, 2010


A riding crop...What ever was i thinking buying that vicious little instrument that must have been created in hell? i mean seriously, anyone who uses that on a horse is just mean lol. i underestimated it...i tried to say i thought i had made a terrible mistake and it should be returned to Santa. By then it was to late though. He had already discovered that it had flex and could easily be used on my entire body. He refused to send it back to Santa in exchange for a less evil implement.
Merry Christmas and holy shit that hurts! Okay, well maybe i like it just a little bit...

Friday, December 24, 2010

Dreams, what wicked things they can be

 He grabs me. Dragging into a bedroom He rips my clothes off and throws me on the bed with my ass in the air. i feel the cold hard steel of a gun barrel pressed against the side of my head as He thrusts in and out of me, using me purely for His own pleasure.
So what's more fucked up, that i had the dream, or that i found it a turn-on? It's a rhetorical question, not sure i really want to know what anyone thinks about that lol. The next morning when i admit my dream to M in the light of day *shudder*, He smiles softly at me and brushes a tendril of hair out of my face. "My damaged little one. That was an option but I didn't want to break you."
Everyone has fantasies. i don't care who you are, what you do, or how kinky you aren't. The only real differences are how extreme our fantasies are, and whether or not we admit to having them.


Now, why would a no-longer-masochistic sub (i swear i'm not, He swears i am. It's a matter of contention), buy her Master implements of torment to torture her with? i keep asking myself this question. i am sure come tomorrow night, after He gets a chance to experiment with His new toys, i will just settle on the obvious answer--i'm completely nuts and secretly hate myself. For now though (since He doesn't actually have them in His possession), i can say "because He wanted them."


My boss gave me a Christmas present. A very nice, thoughtful, personal present. i'm not really sure how to feel about it though. One of our male friends would never get me a haircut. In my world, men you're not married to give you things like dishes or blankets. So, while the gift was nice, thoughtful, something i need but would never get myself, it made me a bit uncomfortable. To put it into context, my employer is an avid romance reader, looks for any excuse to insert "baby" into a sentence, and is mostly bed-bound so he has more contact with me than any one else. And unfortunately, i'm about the only thing in his life that he has any control over so he excersizes it with gusto. i go out of my way to dress down for my job in an effort to be completely sexless (which is kind of a double edged sword for me, it's hard to feel sexy when you spend most of your days attempting Not to be sexy lol). When i told M about the gift, He raised His eyebrows and offered up nothing other than a disapproving frown and "he's a bit sick and twisted if you ask me. I told you you're a fantasy for Him." A comment that i responded adamantly to with, "i prefer to think of it as just a nice gift." But still...

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Death shows you what you are Really made of

Interesting things happen when someone you love is dying (i know that sounds callous, but i feel i'm in a position to be callous about death if i want to lol). First, you realize what the dying person is made of. i mean, who they Really are under the facade of humanity. Then, the fun part: you discover what You are made of. If you think you're tough, if you think you're weak--what you Think you are doesn't matter because it's going to be stripped away. By the time that person dies, you will no longer be who you were before. How you cope in those moments will show you what you're made of underneath your facade of humanity. After that, you see with blinding clarity what Other people are made of. Grown men may cry on your shoulder, women will call you weeping and begging for comfort (really, it's ridiculous. i had to screen all my mother's calls for a week. i may be weak at times, but some people are just pathetically selfish). You will see who really cares when the shit hits the fan. Some will sit the death watch by your side, some will bring you food and something to ease your loved one's pain, some will run away and cry, some will stay away as if death itself is contagious, and some will dig a six foot hole by the light of the moon. Then, when your loved on is securely in the ground, the shell of who they used to be hidden forever from the light of day, most of those people will fade away.  To afraid to see what they are really made of.
i am not now who i was before. But now i know what i am made of.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Blogging and the inherent judgment of human kind

Us humans are a judgmental lot. i was reading kk's blog, sweet submission this morning, and i was reminded of the ever-present tendency for those who have no say in our lives to tell us we are not submissive enough. The funny thing is, such assertions are generally made online--the place where you find a plethora of preening "Doms," each claiming to be the best you have never seen. Yes, a blog is a public forum. By writing in it, you are inviting the outside world to take a peek into your life. Sometimes it's difficult not to adjust your writing for your readers. Especially when your most loyal reader happens to be  the one person who's opinion matters most--your Dominant. But as an avid read of BDSM oriented blogs (M pointed this out the other night in a far to satisfied way), i can honestly say that my favorites are the ones who are written by those who blog for themselves regardless of what others may think or want to read. It's the blogs that show an honest expression of who that person is that i find most fascinating. As a blog writer, i find it loses personal benefit as a form of retrospection if i begin adjusting it for others. After all, isn't it kind of the point to use ones blog as an avenue of sharing the truth and self-introspection?
Anyways, i suppose it's rather redundant to blog about blogging lol.
M and i were talking last night in bed. i very much like it when He talks to me, not such a huge fan of being forced to participate in the conversation lol. i asked Him why He made me admit to being such a whore. his reply was "because if you are hiding the truth from me, you're also hiding it from yourself. If you know why you do something it's much easier to control. When people don't know Why they do what they do or are the way they are, that's when we fuck up the most. Because we have lied to ourselves, we don't know who we truly are." Now how is a used and mostly incoherent sub supposed to comment in a conversation like that?

Sunday, December 19, 2010

Follow through

Being submissive has made me a better parent. i know that might seem odd, but it's true. The biggest instance is punishment. i have learned not to threaten punishment and not follow through (okay, so it's pretty basic, but everything seems much more cut and dry Before you actually have rug-rats running around. They don't come with an owners manual you know). Yesterday i had "diarrhea of the mouth" as M likes to say and He warned me multiple times that i had it coming in a big way. "At least 25, maybe My hand, maybe the belt, maybe a coat hanger." i don't know what exactly is wrong with me lately. i have been all stuck in my head and shit which seems to prompt mouthiness and a desire to be not-submissive. Anyways, come bedtime, i was expecting to pay my dues. i sucked, we fucked, it didn't come. He asked me what i was thinking about (it's a real pain in the ass when someone knows you inside out), i tried to get around it, because i just wanted to sleep and really had no interest in having my ass blistered. i fessed up to some confusion regarding the absence of the promised punishment. He lifted an eyebrow, "I was going to let you off easy, we could just call it a mindfuck and leave it at that." Horror must have been clearly reflected on my face. i was headed for a no fun whipping but couldn't stop myself."A mindfuck?! How the hell am i supposed to know if you mean it or not when you say something. Why should i listen if it all might just be a mindfuck?" The eyebrows lowered and He reached for His belt, me squirming and protesting that it was okay and He really didn't have to this time. "If I don't you will think less of Me." "i won't think less of you, i'll just think you don't have follow through and mean what you say." Let me just point out, that forthcoming honesty is a real bitch and that belt hurts something awful.
But He loves me enough to punish me for my own good, He loves me enough to do what He says He will. He loves me enough to follow through.

Saturday, December 18, 2010


i didn't realize until i logged in this morning, that my last post was number 100. Thus, the completely generic title of this one lol. i have been thinking about why i blog. Why not use pen and paper? Well, for one thing, i'm not artistic so it wouldn't look cool like the blog does. For another, my kids aren't yanking pieces of paper out of my hands while i write. But really i think it mostly comes down to the fact that it's an easy venue for me to be honest. i can tell M things through the blog that i am to chicken to admit in conversation. It's a public forum which puts my inner thoughts and fantasies where anyone can see them and sometimes i'm a little bit curious about what people think. Also, it's kind of liberating to admit things to the world that i have a hard time accepting in myself. It's a way of hiding in plain site that i rather enjoy.

M bought me tires yesterday. He was grumbling about taking me to work because our tires were shit and i was afraid i wouldn't make it back up our driveway in the snow. But He decided to drive me and buy tires. So, tires are far from sexy, but i could feel myself drooling over them like new toys. A combination of omg, i'm not afraid to drive anymore, and it's really hot to have a Dominant who loves me enough to drive me in the snow and put tires on my car. Yea i know, it's kind of strange what a person can find sexy.
i have been feeling somewhat resentful about submission lately. Mostly because i'm always tired and it brings out my lazy side leading to statements like, "do you know what time it is?! i don't want to suck your dick, i need sleep!" Yea, i used to think i was a masochist, but the more sadistic He becomes, the more i think that i really do not like pain lol. It's odd though, when He's causing me pain and talking me through it, i can handle a lot more than if He's just silently abusing me (yea yea, don't get your panties in a twist, i know the difference between real abuse and a sadist making Himself happy).
He likes to make me do things that i find unpleasant just to see that i'm willing to do them because He wants me to.Not sure exactly how i feel about that lol.

Thursday, December 16, 2010


i don't remember exactly what i was saying. i was mouthing off about something. Next thing i knew, my feet had been swept out from under me and i was on my back on the floor, hands above my head with His knee in my chest. "Next time you're having diarrhea of the mouth little one, you should really just shut up."

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Tied, part I

Her Master opened the door and gestured her to walk through it. Stepping into the room she saw a bed, armchairs, and the standard hotel room cabinet hiding a television she was pretty sure she wasn't going to see. He tossed their luggage haphazardly in a pile and dropped languidly into one of the armchairs. His eyes twinkled sadistically as He ordered her to strip. "Now?" She protested, wistfully eying the other armchair and huge gilded tub in the bathroom. He arched an eyebrow at her "are you telling Me no little one?" His tone was quiet. The kind of quiet that says it's not really a question and there's only one right answer anyways. Pouting she slipped her t-shirt over her head and slid her jeans down. Kicking them off she, directed her attention to the thin black thong that really offered no coverage to her smoothly shaved pussy. "Leave it" He commanded. Pointing at the small black suitcase at His feet He ordered her to open it. "cuffs, blindfold, gag, rope, clips, and knife. Lay them out on the nightstand." She obeyed, glancing nervously at the open curtains pulled back to reveal full length panes of glass. His looked at her "don't you dare close those curtains little one. No one can see from down on the ground and anyone who can see from that building will just be getting a nice show now won't they." She felt the heat in her face traveling uncomfortably down her body and settling into her core. "Sadistic bastard." He grinned shamelessly at her. "That's right, and don't you forget it. Now, on the bed on your back. She sighed resignedly and pulled back the blankets settling herself onto the bed. He slipped a line of rope through the headboard and picked up the cuffs. Black leather lined with red felt and covered in o-rings. After fastening them around her wrists, He pulled her hands up above her head and and hooked the cuffs to pre-tied loops in the rope. He always used hooks that she could undo herself if she had to. She had only unhooked herself once in the heat of the moment. She cringed at the memory. Every action has consequences. He proceeded to cuff her ankles and hook them to a rope He had tied to the bedposts spreading her legs wide as He did so. He took a moment to inspect her pussy, spread open and beginning to get wet in anticipation. He knew it made her uncomfortable to be stared at like that and He smiled sadistically as she began to squirm. Then came the blindfold. As her world sank into darkness she began to struggle slightly. He bent over her, grabbing her by the back of the head "do you trust me completely?" She let out the breath she wasn't aware she had been holding, "yes Master. i trust you completely." He let go of her hair. "Good." As the gag slipped between her lips He said, "remember that. Remember that i protect you. And in return, you submit to me and i own you. Mind, body, and soul. I own you little one." She nodded silently. Her other senses began compensating for the loss of sight. She heard Him moving around the room. Heard the door open and close. She whimpered through the gag, begging incoherently for some sign that He was still there. He had never tied her up and left before! But there were no reassuring words of his presence. She fell silent and listened carefully to the lack of sound in the room. He was gone. She repressed a moment of panic at being left alone tied to the bed in a hotel room in a strange city. After what seemed like an eternity, there was a sound of a key in the lock and the door sliding open. She gave a sigh of relief, followed by a nervous unintelligible plea for Him to say something. "Damn, there really is a naked woman tied to the bed." She froze. That was not her Master's voice. She listened, waiting to hear His voice replying to the unknown man. The reply never came. She heard footsteps as the man moved to stand beside the bed. She began struggling, not undoing the hooks was so ingrained in her that releasing herself wasn't even a thought. "mmmm" the unknown voice was very close now. The sound of a zipper being undone was loud as cymbals in the otherwise silent room. Fear flooded through her, disconcertingly leading to a growing wet patch between her legs. The sound of the knife being removed from the bedside table wrenched a strangled squeal out of the gag. She felt it slide up her thigh and froze, moaning in fear and anticipation. The knife slid slowly up the crack of her ass slicing the black thong off leaving her completely exposed. She tried  to close her legs in a futile effort to hide her dripping pussy and the evidence of what a whore she was that it so clearly displayed. Where was Master? She tried to think through the fog. Subspace had consumed her and she was no longer functional enough to form a complete thought. His words echoed in her mind, "do you trust me completely?" She tensed slightly as hands slid up her thighs, dipping slightly into her wetness. Abruptly, the hand withdrew and she felt herself blushing from head to toe in shame. Then a wet stream of piss began to splash across her back and she panicked. Master had agreed that no other man would ever be allowed to mark her their property like a common animal. She began flailing around and clawing at the hooks that kept her hands tied to the bed. Suddenly, a large familiar hand wrapped around her throat and squeezed tightly. "you said you trust me completely My little one."

Monday, December 13, 2010

Morning coffee and fear in BDSM

In the morning, i hop out of bed, put on a pot of coffee, say good morning to my kids, and settle in front of my blog. Okay, well, that's not exactly right. In the morning (if M is gracious enough to let me off without morning sex, which goes against all that is good and right in the world. i haven't had coffee yet so sex is bad lol), i stumble blearily out of bed, grumpy that i'm awake at all. Stumbling thought the kitchen on my way to the bathroom, i throw on a pot of coffee and acknowledge my childrens existence with a grunted "good morning" and  "if you want food, make it yourself and don't ask me anything before my coffee comes up." Then my coffee is up, my kids have some form of food, and i settle down to ramble on the blog. Super sexy right? i know, i'm a dream in a sweatshirt lol. But come on now, we all live some sort of reality, and it's not all whips and chains all the time.

On a completely unrelated note, i was browsing the forums on Fetlife the other day (i haven't finished my coffee yet, i am NOT making a link), and i read a thread with a question about fear outside of play and if it had a place in a BDSM oriented relationship. Answers ranged from adamant "no" to "yes" and many thoughts in between. i started thinking about fear in our dynamic. Fear gets me off. Fear gets a lot of people off, they just don't like to admit it. But fear of what, what kind of fear, is it a good or bad thing? i have many fears. Fear of loss, fear of disappointing, etc. Fear of what may happen gets me off; however, i am not afraid of M. Sometimes afraid of what He might do, what He may make me do, yes. But if i was afraid of M as a man, would i trust in Him the way i do, could i surrender myself completely? The answer is no. Take rape scenes--they are an inherently fear based activity. i find them fascinating, extremely hot, and a really big turn on. It's a mindfuck. Actually being raped? Uh no. 13 years later, and i still hope the bastard rots in jail till he dies. It's all in the context of the emotion and its impact on the people involved.
Alright, time for more coffee.

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Dominance, submission, and love

Okay, so it's possible i have a post floating around my blog with this same thread of thought, but oh well lol.
i have been thinking about D/s and how love fits into the dynamic. i read somewhere once, that love interferes with a Dominants ability to be successful. Such as not wanting to hand out an earned punishment, use a sub for their own wants, etc. In the beginning of our shift to D/s, i wondered if what i had read was true. Now, exploring the abyss, i realize that i could be Dominated without love, but i could not completely surrender myself. . Because i love Him and He is true, i trust Him. Because He loves me, He won't do anything that will irreparably damage me. He see's the difference between what i want and what i need. The two are not mutually exclusive and what i need is far more important to Him than what i want (yea, the wanty me complains a lot lol). Because He loves me, i trust Him more. Love inspires me to do my best, to strive not to disappoint, to be the best submissive i can for Him. Love and trust allow me to fear an event, but not M Himself.
 D/s has deepened our love, enhanced our trust, and inspired our relationship to travel to new heights. Without the love we already had for each other, i would have always been to afraid to take the first step on this path. i would have never known this vast range of emotions, sensations, and mind-altering events that i have experienced with M. Being head over heels in love, and at the same time owned, scares the shit out of me. After 12 years, it still scares the shit out of me. Even more so now because i feel so completely dependent on Him. i used to feel financially dependent on Him but that's not what i'm talking about. More like depending on someone for your sanity, your happiness, stability in fumbling through life, the security of your being. He's what keeps me from crying myself to sleep at night, He's who keeps me from telling the people who piss me off to go die and picking up a baseball bat (yes, i am that mean natured and volatile at heart), He's what keeps me from being an out and out whore, He is my shelter from the world. And this world can be a cold, cruel, and painful place.
i am grateful for the love in our D/s. And i am forever grateful to M for being who He is and giving me what i need; regardless of what i think i want.

Today, better than yesterday

It's amazing what a couple of days off in a row spent with M can do for me. i feel like a completely different human being than the one that wrote my last post. Well, i had deeply disturbing dreams, but i'm not giving them access to reality by writing about them lol.
There is something about simply just being used that satiates my internal unrest. The act of surrendering to His will and sinking into the feeling of being owned has a way of making everything else fade away. Today is better than yesterday and tomorrow will be whatever it is.
M and i have been talking about my job. He's getting irritated with it because He feels i am doing a lot of stuff that simply isn't in my job description. Right now, my boss is wanting to dictate a letter to me then have me sign MY name to it and send it to one of his doctors. Now, i don't have a problem taking dictations, and i don't really have a problem if he wants me to write a letter on his behalf. i do have a problem signing my name to something i was not allowed to write. M and i were talking about it and He said, "you don't have to do everything he wants. If something makes you feel bad, just don't do it." i like his advice, it's just easier to follow when one doesn't desperately need the job lol.
M went out to run errands yesterday and left me doing some work for Him. i looked around the house and couldn't help myself. It feels like ages since i had the opportunity to clean it in anticipation of His return and have a hot dinner on the table when He got home (as a result, i have work to finish this morning, but that's okay). As i was making M a plate, i realized how very much i miss being of service in His house. Our dynamic was shaped over time, but, in the past, even before we became D/s, i always cleaned and prepared dinner for Him. Now i spend all week doing it for someone else. It's creating an internal conflict that i am having a difficult time reconciling with. i don't have a problem being out working. i just have a hard time doing things for someone else that i have always reserved for M. i miss the days when M was the only person on earth who told me what to do lol.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

The bullshit we make for ourselves

 If you're looking for something to read that isn't depressing, i suggest skipping this post and scrolling down lol.

Well, it's my day off and in the typical fashion of late, nothing has gone as it was supposed to. i woke up with that lovely back pain that says "yes, you need to give in a go get it worked on, but you're going to work all week instead," and M has spent His day mucking around with the septic system so we are getting no time together and i can't really blame Him for being in a terrible mood.

Right before my dad died, he said "the only things that matter are love and family. Everything else is just bullshit we make for ourselves." And it's really true. Of course, he was on his way out of this world, so all that bullshit we make for ourselves and it's impact on life, love, and family didn't matter to him anymore. It really hit me last night how very much i miss him. For a while i felt overwhelming grief, then a kind of numbness. Now i just miss him terribly. i am who i am because of him. At least he had the good graces to apologize lol (no, really, it was a Hallmark moment that sums up my family--when he was dying i told him, "i am who i am today because of you," his reply was "yea, sorry about that hehe"). The missing is almost worse than that initial grief. In the beginning all of my emotions seemed so pure and clear. Now that he's nothing more than a fading memory, a man my youngest son will forget, a picture on the wall, grief is like a rippling pool of murky water. i'm stuck in it and i can't get out. There are very few things in life that we can count on continuously, like the saying about death and taxes being life's only certainties. Well, for me, it was death, taxes and dad. i guess i'm down to death and taxes now lol. He was 57 years old when he died. He was loyal, sweet, an asshole, a gardener, a grandfather, and above all else, an honest human being who loved being inspired and believed integrity and truth were the core of goodness. He was my father and i miss him more than i ever thought i could.

All i can seem to see these days is the bullshit we have made for ourselves, the ineptitude of humanity, and the cynical side of life on earth. Like a lot of people, i'm overworked, underpaid, miss my kids, and wish i could just get shit straight once and for all. Sometimes it's just all a bit to much.

Pride and humiliation

i have been thinking about pride and how i feel it ties in with humiliation. Humiliation is, by definition, something that strips away pride. For me, i view pride as a bit of a pitfall. In the context of D/s, i guess one could see it a couple of different ways. Is a sub who's to proud to kneel, to proud to beg, to proud to give over control, really a submissive? Yet, from a Dominant perspective (of which i can only theorize because i haven't asked yet lol), is a submissive without some sense of pride desirable? inmho, a sense of pride, while if to strong, can be quite detrimental, is also important for the ability to serve well. If you take no pride in your service, are you serving to the best of your abilities? i think that, as far apart as they appear, pride and humiliation are deeply entwined. As a submissive, humiliation strips me of the pride that says i am to good for something. For M (like i said, i haven't asked yet, asking leads to "lets try and find out" lol), i think He gets some of His satisfaction from my humiliation because he knows it is deeply challenged by my sense of pride, yet occurs anyways. The concept of humiliation is something many people seem to find aberrant and repulsive. The thought does make me cringe, yet even just the prospect makes me weak in the knees with that sinking sensation of sliding into subspace.
i feel it is important to point out that there is a distinct difference between humiliation and degradation. Humiliation takes a person to levels they would not normally be willing to go. It expands mental concepts and breaks down the barriers of how we like to perceive ourselves and our concepts of how we think we should be. Degradation reduces a person, it is a lowering of character, something completely designed to break another person down, to make them less than what they truly are. Degradation is, by definition, contemptuous. It is something we find acceptable only when we believe another human being is truly without worth.
And there's my spiel on pride and humiliation for the day.

Monday, December 6, 2010

Sunday, December 5, 2010

i ain't no queen of Sheba

Well, the queen of Sheba i am not and i'm not going to be taking over the world anytime soon lol.
The belt was lying on His pillow when i went to bed. i knew it was no accident but i tried to pretend it wasn't destined for my ass. i curled up, blankets tucked firmly under my chin and announced i was closed for maintenance. "Haha, you have been begging for it all day little one, you are not closed for maintenance, you are open for use." Uuum, begging...? "nuh uh, oh no, not me." Thwack. Oh yes uh huh, me. It was more one of those "you are a mouthy shit but i don't mind to much" punishments, than a "you fucked up good, here come the tears," punishments.
The blindfold is always the first thing out of the toy box. He likes to watch me wiggle, squirm, and try to figure out what objects of delicious, or not so delicious, torment are headed my way. Then comes the cuffs and rope so i can't cheat by feeling with my hands. Out came the clothespins...On their own they aren't too painful. When they are flicked and your nipples are made hard, they are quite effective at preventing unwanted movement because moving hurts. When He fucked me i begged to cum. His reply? a somewhat disconcerting "lol, fuck no!" i begged, and i begged, and when He was ready He gave the command and i did. Delicious, mind numbing, body melting, orgasm.
And i got to sleep for all of five minutes before the little guy woke up and got me to go lie down with him lol.

Saturday, December 4, 2010

When the brain says "STOP!" and the mouth keeps speaking...

Okay, so the funny thing about being submissive is you're not the one who gets to choose when to submit. Imagine that lol. i have been terribly mouthy today. The kind of mouthy where i'm talking, and my brain says "shut up!" as His eyebrows lower and my mouth, well it just keeps on moving. i'm an attention whore. i know it and i'm not to bad at controlling it a fair amount of the time. i know it's not M's fault we hardly ever see each other and He's working on my day off. He's just doing what He has to. i have no doubt that i have earned myself attention--attention that will make me squirm and beg for an ending. He snapped the belt at me earlier in a not so subtle threat that He will no doubt remember later. All because when my brain said "hush," my mouth said, "fuck you!" i know my place. i just need reminders lol. That sounds weak even as i type it, but it's true. After days of not being in our space and just dealing with the trials of life, it's difficult not to fight.
We were in the shower, M frowned at me, "you complained when i didn't let you up for a week, and you haven't been down for a week; now look at you--thinking your the queen of Sheba, ready to take over the world and shit." i tried my best to convince Him it was a good idea as i was bent over gracelessly attempting to shave my legs in less than ample space. The replying motion was quite graceful--as my head slid up the wall of the shower with His hand around my throat and that wicked grin that tells me there's more to come later. And me? Yea, still not graceful creeping up onto my toes in an attempt to match the rise of His hand with a razor dangling precariously from my fingers. "Do a good job little one, i'll be checking later." i may be a shit sometimes, but somehow i ended up with the man of my dreams.

un-submissive submissive

i am feeling excessively un-submissive today. Life is kicking my ass and i'm really just feeling tired, irritable, pissy, and depressed. M and i have both been working our asses off with just enough time to say "how was your day?" before passing out in separate rooms. Yet still, the bills are piling up, the car needs work, the cupboards are empty, my mom needs food, and no one is willing to pay what they owe. i have really had it up to my ears with humanity in general at this point.
Usually submission makes me feel safe, balanced, like no matter what else is going on, everything is okay. Today, i don't want to submit in any way. i don't want to be touched, i don't want to be told what to do, i don't want to play, i don't want to deal with my kids (who i actually happen to miss being at work all the time), i want to sit on the couch and sulk in silence. My "just do what needs to be done and take care of shit," attitude has faded dramatically after realizing that no matter how i take care of shit, it's not making a bit of difference. When my dad died, he wanted me to take care of mom. Fuck, at the moment, i'm hardly taking care of my kids. Last time i visited my mom, she had no food. i came home and searched the cabinets for food to give her. Yea, old cookies and coffee, the diet of champions. We seem to be reaching new heights of screwed on a daily basis lol.
My cranky un-submissive ass is getting in the shower with a razor (for a long overdue shave, not to slit my wrists).

Thursday, December 2, 2010


Okay, this is my pre-work rambling so if it's incoherent, such is life lol. i just want to get my thoughts down before they disappear.
i was thinking about pride last night on the way home. Pride can be good. It prompts us to appreciate a job well done, it encourages us to do things right and stand behind our decisions. Pride can also be a disastrous pitfall. It prevents us from accepting help when we really need it, clouds our vision when we are questioning a judgment call, and it's the little voice in the back of the mind that says "i will not beg." i realized that i am a proud person. Then i began to wonder...why do things that strip away all sense of pride turn me on so much? Humiliation takes pride and washes it away (sometimes quite literally lol). i came to the conclusion that pride is a construct of the mind with social bearing. When i am floating in sub space, all the constructs of who i think i am, and how i believe the world should, be disappear. When i'm on my knees and M is pissing all over me, i have no pride to hide behind. When i accept that my place is at His feet i am serene in the presence of His Dominance and empty concepts of how i think things should be don't matter any more.
i was on a roll and now i have to go to work...

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Honesty and abuse

i read a post on fetlife his morning asking about honesty and past abuse. By the time i found it, the thread had become an outright argument so i didn't bother commenting. The original question revolved around a Dom wanting his sub to be honest about past abuse and raised the premise that victims of abuse were less likely to be truthful. This is where the poster and i parted ways on our positions. In my personal experience, abuse doesn't make a sub a less honest person. It simply helps them create vaults and places to hide pain and icky experiences. It's a lot easier to be honest when you have complete trust in the fact that the person you are talking to is not going to judge or think less of you. Replies to the thread praised therapy and hollered about the evilness of using BDSM as therapy. i've been to therapy...yea, it helped some and i may not have made it to where i am today without that little bit of help. Did it help me "fix" my issues? Only in as much as it showed me i had them. The only thing that's actually helped has been ttwd. i have been pondering the different kinds of "dirty" lately, and it's not something i find easy to put into words but here goes. i spent years trying to wash off an invisible layer of filth. i felt as if i had been sullied from the inside out and nothing could make me clean again. In a way, D/s has changed that. Submitting to One, knowing that i am His filthy whore, and His alone, has created a sense of purity in me which is difficult to describe. For each experience i am there. It consumes and overwhelms me. i cannot run and hide inside the chambers of my mind. Pleasure and pain, tears and laughter, it all melds together and burns away the cobwebs of days long past.

Sunday, November 28, 2010

Pillow talk

"One of the things I love about you little one, is that you're a filthy whore but you're still innocent and naive." i love pillow talk...who would have thought, an innocent whore...On a really happy note, i came on command last night and it was mind blowing!
Well, i'm off to make dinner for the family, then it's on to starting the work week. Very ironic to decide i hate my job and then have to take on another day ugh.

Saturday, November 27, 2010

Disturbing things and submissive versus doormat, Dominant versus domineering

Something disturbing is happening to me...All of a sudden, when we are having sex, i can't cum when He tells me to. In fact, i can hardly cum at all. This makes me feel like i'm disappointing M because i am failing to do as i am told and freaks me out because i used to be completely unable to orgasm. The odd thing is, sex feels different. The act itself, is mind blowing...
The other night i as i was floating dreamily in space, i asked M why He loves me. "I love you because you have free will and you choose to submit to Me little one. It's better than someone who doesn't have free will because they lack the capacity to choose. That's actually quite boring." That got me to thinking about a recent post on one of the blogs i read. About submissives, and being mindless doormats or spirited people who stand up for themselves which led me to musings of my own. The doormat does what she is told because she lacks the mental capacity to do otherwise. The conscious submissive does as she is told out of the choice to hand over her will. A doormat lacks the strength to help their Dominant, to be strong and make difficult decisions when it is needed. The spirited submissive has the ability to be her Dominants sanctuary as He is hers, she is the best person to back Him up in any given situation, and He knows He can rely on her when He needs to. This also coincides with the topic of Dominance versus domineering and the difference between BDSM and abuse. A Dominant is first and foremost in control of Himself. He enjoys the strength of His submissive. It is a direct reflection upon Himself and His abilities. A domineering wannabe looks for the doormats because He lacks the ability to truly Dominate another and he is without the capacity to control himself. He does not see the necessity in doing so. BDSM is beautiful truth. It is pure thought, pure pain, pure pleasure, pure being. The ultimate surrender. Abuse is just some asshole who likes to hit someone because he can. Thus, for him, the submissive doormat is his relationship of choice. Abuse lacks purity and clarity. It does not make a person rise to new heights or better themselves.
my philosophical musings for the day lol. Pet (my submissive life, listed over on the right) made a comment the other day pointing out that there are many wrong ways and no right way when it comes to BDSM. She's right. These are my musings, how i feel and what i see it as. i am sure some will disagree with me and that is their prerogative. i guess it's a good thing they don't have to deal with me then huh?

Thursday, November 25, 2010

Changing the name of the blog

i have decided to change the name of this blog. If i change the address as well, and it makes the blog disapear for my current followers, feel free to email hislittleone69@gmail.com for the new address.

Puddle of confusion

If someones going to waste 5 minutes reading this post, might as well waste 10 and read the one before it or it won't make sense lol.
i have been all kind of out of sorts over the past couple of days. M had a tooth pulled without painkillers so He's in less than tip top shape right now Himself.
i can't go all the way down...when that happens, it really bothers me. A lot. i think the way i have been feeling is related to what M told me the other day. i think since it was an event that occurred so long ago, He figured it wouldn't really be something i had to work through. But it is. There are still things He misses about her, all in the bedroom granted, but that's a big part of our life, and a huge part of my submission. He said that, never for a minute, does He regret choosing me instead of her but he does think about their sex life sometimes. i wish that i could be enough for Him...Last night when we went to sleep there was actually distance between us. That hasn't happened in ages and i hate it. It doesn't help that i'm having a hard time cumming when i'm told to, which puts Him out. i can't cum without the command, but that's not enough.
It scares the shit out of me that He could go ten years without telling me. It scares the shit out of me that He owns me so completely, that i would still be His to do with as He pleased, even if He left me. It scares the shit out of me when i can't go down...

i was thinking, and yes, that almost always gets me into trouble lol, that i would like to do a really intense interrogation scene. i want to feel how deeply He owns me. Not just the fear that seems to accompany knowing that, no matter what, He will always own me. Maybe that doesn't make sense...i suppose it's possible impact on my mental state is questionable, but there's nothing like the feeling of extreme forced honesty. Being completely open and having your mind layed bare in front of the one who's opinion matters more than anything in the world.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Ummmm, okay, so my titles have been shit lately...

The past is the past for a reason. What's done is done and we either hold on to the memories with fondness, or work through the issues over time. In the past, i have been bad. Not the kind of bad that garners and inviting eyebrow and a smack on the ass either. The kind of bad that has the potential to ruin relationships and leaves both parties with emotional scarring. Being called a whore not only turns me on, it's a fitting description of who i am at heart and who i used to be.

Last night while we were making dinner, M told me about something He did over ten years ago. Then He continued making dinner as if He had pointed out that the beans needed more salt. To claim that i hadn't done worse would be hypocritical at best. It blew me away though. In part because of the guilt i have carried all this time, but mostly because He kept it to Himself for more than ten years. i have poured out my heart and confessed my sins. If there's anything left untold, it's because i buried it deep enough to forget it myself. it scared me that He could keep something like that from me for so long and think nothing of it. In all fairness, the timeframe was not during my best behavior...but it was before i cheated on Him, before i had a clue what life really was. He allowed me drown in my guilt all these years, thinking i was the only one who had ever been untrue. Turns out, He's just better at keeping secrets. He pointed out that i had told Him to go fuck someone else repeatedly--i couldn't handle intimacy, i hated sex, i was 15, and i didn't understand love in the slightest. All these years i really thought He'd never, or hadn't, done it.
She was everything i am not. Always ready for sex, multi-orgasmic, could cum on verbal command alone, small stature...Luckily for me, M didn't want a mindless doormat and is willing to work with me on the other stuff (well, i'm never gonna loose 6" of height, i hope, lol). i have really been working on ditching the emotion of jealousy lately. i thought i was doing pretty good too. i realize that if i was more secure with myself and liked my body more, i wouldn't be as prone to being bothered by the things i lack that He finds attractive in other women. i called her a slut this morning...M grabbed me by my hair, bent my head back, and announced firmly in my ear that, if He ever left me, i would be His slut on the side anytime He wanted. i felt like i was disintegrating because it's true. The unspoken words were that He owned her too. Regardless of whether He completely understood it at the time or not.

The past is the past for a reason. What's done is done. We either let it eat us forever or we learn from our mistakes, let ourselves become better people for it, and live today for itself.

i cannot judge the act, i have been more than my share of untrue in the past. He owns me completely, Heart, mind, body, and soul. It is something that i no longer have any control over. i am no longer capable of hiding anything from Him, past or present. in the present truth is all i see, from the past, if i have forgot and He asks i will remember and speak the truth. Being so owned scares the shit out of me. i never really understood before that He doesn't have to be truthful, He doesn't have to be forthcoming, He can and will do as He wishes with whomever H pleases...and i will never know unless He chooses to tell me.

Monday, November 22, 2010

Yesterday was rough

i had a rough day yesterday. Seemed like i just kept falling on my face on all fronts. First there was my encounter with the other sub. i felt like i disapointed M in my handling of it. We talked this morning though and M pointed out that she had inquired about the position, so if i scared her off with a little fantasy, and she has other things going on at home, i didn't really fuck anything up.
i can't cum without my clit. Never have. i also don't squirt or have multiple orgasms (three's a record for me). All things M wants me to achieve and started working on last night. With the plan of eventually working on me cumming on command without physical stimulation. i do cum on command now, it's nearly impossible for me to cum without the command, but i'm light years away from even being able to without stimulating my clit so i dunno if i'll ever get there. Anyways, i failed miserably last night. He was really sweet about it. He told me it wasn't my place to judge failure or success and that all He cares about is that i did my best. He doesn't expect these things to happen overnight. Still, i felt like one long string of letdowns.
On a different note, how hard can it be to find a sub who wants to play with an attractive Dominant who is good at what He does?? i mean, really! Maybe it's me...

Sunday, November 21, 2010

i have no title...

He makes me do it, then gives me a B+ and says i came on to strong. The sad thing is, He's right.
Lol. It was a disaster. i am a walking disaster in this endeavor. In my defense, i told her i was a falling all over the place right off the bat!
i think that for M, the whole thing was about making me do something i find extremely uncomfortable and watching me squirm more than anything else. Well, the thought of possibly making another woman squirm at the same time didn't hurt either. i have a hard time expressing fantasies to M (myself too lol). To tell one he told me and that W/we got off on to a person it was about, who i genuinly like, really fried my circuits.
After i reach a certain point of discomfort with something, i fuck it up. i'm not good at expressing to others the things that i have difficulty admitting to myself or M.
i think i completely lack the ability to pull this off...i feel squirmish because i said what i said to her, and i feel like a disappointment because M's reaction to my approach was slightly less than satisfied (which is understandable). Sigh. i feel funky.

Damn sandbox...

"When are you going to learn little one, that there's times to talk back, in fact, there's times when i expect it, and there's times when you do not talk back, you just do as you are told. Your only reply is 'yes Master'." Ouchhhh. i'm a slow learner.
The edge is a very fine line. It's like balancing on a string and not falling off. Honestly, i don't know how He walks that line but it impresses the shit out of me and i'm very greatful for the balance He keeps us in.
He walked up behind me and grabbed my hair. Pulling my head back, He whispered in my ear "I'm going to fuck you, and while I'm doing it, I'm going to be thinking about fucking another woman." i sputtered and pointed out the rudeness of it all. He laughed, "and you're going to be thinking about it too." Wtf...As He slid into me He made sure we were thinking the same fantasy..."We are going to go see her, have some food and coffee, then drive to a remote place. On the way, I'll get her hot and bothered while you squirm. When I stop the car I'm going to tie you to the front bumper, squatting with your hands tied above your head. I'm going to grab her by the throat and push her to her knees. Inches from your face, I'm going to slide my cock down her throat. When she does a good job, i'm going to pull out of her mouth and explode in yours."
"Now, next time you talk to her, you are going to tell her all of this. And then, you are going to ask her what she thinks."
Sadistic bastard.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010


i am falling back into my overwhelming fear and worry about M. We have become so deeply entwined and His health is less than perfect, i just can't seem to let it go. i used to worry about the physical stuff of being alone, bills, kids, life shit. Now, i'm just terribly afraid to exist without Him. He is my shelter from the world, my lover, my rock, my shoulder to lean on, my blanket to hide under. i couldn't be without Him and i can't let go of the fear that something will happen to Him and i will have to. It's eating me up and i really just wish i could get over it, take life one day at a time, and sink into that feeling of everything is as it was meant to be. But i can't.

i exist on my knees to please.
Living and being for Him is who i was meant to be
my place is at His feet
and He is all i need.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Dreams, space, and sadists

i had so many dreams last night. i only remember one of them though. i was tripping. Sitting in M's lap and absolutely flying. The funny thing is, it's exactly how i felt before i passed out. i was so deep in space that words seemed like an unnecessary construct of mankind and 2 word sentences felt like a huge, if totally unimportant, achievement. For a few minutes, i actually thought i was going to pass out. i find it rather terrifying being that far down. Yet, at the same time, i enjoy it immensely. There is no freedom quite like losing all control and sense of self.

Being that far under is very much like edge play for me. Edge play is like 24/7 D/s--everyone has their own definition and will fight to the teeth to get someone else to come around and see that their opinion of it is correct. Personally, i define edge play as something that pushes the edges of what a person defines their limits to be. Going beyond one's personal comfort level and balancing on the precipice of that eternal abyss. For some, knife play is edge play, to me, it's just fun. For some, being so far down into space that they have no concept of reality or surroundings, and look and feel like they are on really good drugs is just fun--to me it's playing on the edge. That's why i think it's important to not allow our personal opinions define our definitions of things. Some stuff simply cannot be captured with a label, cannot be defined by the mere construct of the words we speak, cannot be placed in the various boxes we use to tell us where things belong.

Okay, my philosophical musings have been frozen out of me lol. i've been up stoking the fire for an hour and it's a whopping 58 degrees in my living room. i miss summer already.
On a more reality based note, my Husband is a sadistic bastard. i'm okay with that, and it's an affectionate insult, not a barb at His personality. i read somewhere once that most subs were attracted to and fascinated by sadists, but failed to realize that a sadist loves watching you squirm and is usually willing to go above and beyond in their efforts to get that reaction. That, far beyond physical pain, they often get off most on what makes a submissive uncomfortable and well, squirmy lol. The more M unleashes that part of myself, the more i agree with that thought. He enjoys the pleasure/pain reaction He gets from the physical aspects of it, yet finds the mental aspects much more entertaining and rewarding. The mindfuck is what gets Him off i think. me, the mental aspects just make me want to hide under a rock lol. i am sure that one day soon, i will write about the particular incident that inspired this train of thought, but i'm not feeling like that much of a masochist today lol.
For now, i'm going to go put more wood on the fire and fantasize about warm summer days in the sun...

Sunday, November 14, 2010


i am standing on the edge
of my own personal precipice
over the edge lies madness
a breath of insanity
drowning in eternal sadness
dreams, fears, and tears,
flow with the passing of these years
tendrils of emptiness curl around my mind
beckoning me inside
"come on in and hide"
take a feather
push me over
pull me out
find what is left
tape my mind back together
pick up the pieces
find some reflief
from mindless


After my rant, i was able to think more about why i am really having a hard time with my job (besides the obvious dispute over the kiddo). My least favorite thing isn't emptying urinals, sticking my hand down toilets (because toilet brushes are "unsanitary"), mixing up enemas, or cleaning them up afterwards; it's putting on his shoes. Sounds silly right? To me, being on my knees (or a similar position) putting on a man's shoes is a deeply submissive type of service. i let shit slide; his jokingly suggested idea that i wear a french maid outfit, his requests that i (not either of the other older or male attendants) apply lotion for him (something he is quite capable of doing himself), and his comments the one time i wore one of my shirts to work ( i usually wear M's work shirts, they are far to big for me and hide any semblance of shape lol). Dunno, i just hate feeling excessively service oriented in my job. It's service oriented work, maybe i'm just not cut out for it. It feels to...personal these days.
I hate shoes.

Saturday, November 13, 2010

bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch

I almost got fired this week. Still not sure it isn't coming so i started looking for another job today. i am actually rather pissed off about the whole thing, i must say. My kid had the gall to call me lazy the other day; in addition to that, i had to watch my mom's house by myself for the week. i really wasn't ready to stay there alone. it's the first time i have watched the house since my dad died and i just didn't want to spend that much time alone there. So, i decided to take the boy to work with me. i wouldn't be alone, and he could get a dose of reality seeing how i work my ass off at a shitty job. Yea, he was great. He worked his tail off with me, didn't speak unless spoken to, and was as close to friggin angelic as a kid can get. On the second night, my boss called me in and read me the riot act in a very nice voice and aggravatingly passive aggressive manner. "We didn't discuss him being here, what were you thinking, this is very unlike you! I don't want to be the bad guy so I'm not going to tell you you have to drive 3 hours in the morning to take him home and come back to work, but you just do what you think is best." Yea, i was thinking it would be a good lesson for my kid, i didn't want to be alone in my dead father's house, and my boss sleeps all day so would only have to be around the kid for a couple of hours. And yes actually, it is soooo like me to haul my kid to work. It's cleaning and running errands, not building rockets. i am sick to death of this man and the job. It's a service oriented job for a hypochondriac with medical problems who's to lazy to put on his own shoes or go to the bathroom to take a piss at night. i don't mind hard work and gross work isn't really a big deal to me. i get paid decent and i do a damn good job. More and more though, it feels like some kind of service, not a job i get to leave when i come home (i take all his calls at home, so i am basically working whenever the damn phone rings). i have a big problem with feeling like i'm serving not being employed. For one thing, in my mind, service is given to the strong, not the weak and pathetic. For two, the only person i am even remotely interested in serving the least little bit is M, the rest of the world can go fuck themselves. i don't mind being the maid. i have major issues with feeling like a servant.
Unfortunately, i have shit for qualifications and it's not easy to find another job that will pay me $12 an hour. i know lol, i have been looking.
To top it all off, i have been away from M most of the week, and now that i'm home (have to go back tomorrow unfortunately), M is busy working around the house and getting stuff done that He couldn't do during the week because He had the little one. i just wanted to come home and curl up at His feet, rest secure in the knowledge that He is the only man i will ever serve. To be where i belong.
hmmm, venting/pity party over lol. Dinner won't cook itself. On the bright side, i do feel slightly better now.

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Power versus force and surrender versus submission

Sometimes i struggle with submitting and it takes a certain amount of force from M to make it happen. i try really hard not to be like that. It most often occurs when i'm feeling lazy and just don't want to do something. i would be lying to myself if i said i always succeeded in not being that way. Thinking about that got me to pondering on power versus force and surrender versus submission. i suppose those things could all be heaped into one meaning, but i see them as separate entities of their own with different meanings. To me, submitting is giving into something/someone, letting it happen. Surrender is falling to ones knees and offering--do as you please. Force is when M makes me do something--power is when His look or motion alone makes me do what He wants just to please. Force gets submission, power incurs surrender.
One is not nessessarily better than the other. Being the object force is directed at can be quite enjoyable and i love submitting. For me they bring different feelings, sensations, and emotions. i could be quite wrong here and the only differences are in how i perceive things day to day; moment to moment...
i had a really clear thought form going for a minute...i'll probably just have to add to this later lol

Friday, November 5, 2010


An hour ago i was in a pretty damn good mood. Sure, we're broke, and the people who owe us money aren't paying up, but we have been spending a hell of a lot more time together which is all i really truly want from life. But for fucks sake, enough is enough! My washing machine apears to be broken. I have 2 and 7 year old boys and a pile of dirty laundry that doubles in size each day it's not washed. I value my damn washing machine and i want it to work damnit! Ironically, i found the manual while searching for something else last week. Can i find it now? Oh hell no, of course not. i can't even figure out wtf the "OE" on the display means. Just kill me with my own dirty laundry now lol.
Oh yea, and i had one razor left to shave with and it's now wedged between the back of the dresser and the file cabinet.

Personals ad

Okay, before i get going here, i am sure that my sense of humor will not go over well with some, in which case flame away lol. Just keep in mind that chances are, any Dom or sub who actually practices what they preach and has spent too much time perusing the personals on Fetlife (i gotta take a break, it's making me cynical lol), is likely to understand where i'm coming from here even if they don't agree with my approach.

22 f sub seeking master for RL TPE:
I am new to the lifestyle but eager to learn. I'm looking for someone to use and abuse me for their pleasure. Willing to do anything. My hard limits are: watersports, cooking, cleaning, sharing, being used when I really want to sleep, being treated like a dirty whore, anything that doesn't fit in my box of what I think submission should be, and men over 25 (I forgot that there's necrophilia, pedophilia, beastiality, bloodsports, etc.). Master message me now, I am eager and waiting to do anything you want!

22f sub meet the master of your dreams...

19 year old master seeking slave for RL TPE:
I weigh 200 pounds, am 5'2 1/2", live in my moms basement (it's temporary I swear), I have a great picture of my cock on my profile (don't worry about the length, I'll make up for it in width),
I have a vast amount of experience with all forms of the lifestyle from bondage to jacking off, and I will make all your dreams come true. Message me NOW whores!

Uhhhh, i have no labels for this. Would it be taking things to far to post this on Fetlife?

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Fantasies i try not to share with myself...

Talking with myself yesterday about my issues brought up another issue. Well, not so much an issue as a fantasy that's probably a really bad idea to play out because of my past. As much of an eye as M keeps on my mental health, i'm not even sure He would do it. Rape scenes fascinate me. Weirdly enough, i do have fantasies about rape but they all involve M saving me. That one as an acted out fantasy would be a disaster lol. It would be like signing some poor man up for execution.
By all rights, i should have no interest or curiosity in acting out rape fantasies of any kind. The thought itself should have me curled up in a ball...Yet it's there. I think it's the one fantasy i may have never shared with M (until He reads this lol). i'm not sure why i have kept this one to myself. i bury it so far down that it doesn't even occur to me when i'm in space and He's making Him share my fantasies. i mean, i have told Him of far dirtier and twisted fantasies so why is this one different? It's not because it's taboo, i mean, it's taboo to admit i'm enough of a whore that i have the fantasy of a group of men cumming all over me (yea, that one was hard to admit). Yet, at the same time, not all fantasies were meant to become reality. Just because i have a fantasy of being used by two men at once, doesn't mean i could physically or emotionally handle it. M is my gage of what i can and cannot cope with. And i'll admit, it's probably a shitty job to have. i appreciate that M is careful with my mind and heart; even when it comes to His own fantasies. He wants to play with another woman and He wants me to find her; however, He questions my ability to cope with it. He decided that it would be best to start online--i find Him someone to play with and then possibly move the fantasy to real life. i'm falling on my face with that. i started really trying--just being myself and admitting right off the bat that i'm a jealous little slut, what i'm looking for, and why. As soon as i took that route, i became far more gracefully accepting of the idea and felt less resentment. Still shitty at picking up women though lol as i have made no progress whatsoever.

Another completely unrelated thing i have been thinking about is space. Subspace, Domspace, O/our space. Last night, for some reason, i had a really hard time going down. i don't know why. i wasn't thinking about anything in particular, i didn't have something weighing on my mind, i just couldn't go down deep. M asked me why i was fighting Him, and i honestly couldn't say. He knows in an instant if i'm not in space. Its a place we share together and He's not happy if i'm not in it. A lot of people talk about subspace, some people talk about Domspace (like a rare event), but i haven't found anyone who talks about O/our space (if it's there to read and i have been blind, someone please send me the link lol). It's the place we both go when we play together. So, for us, is there subspace and Domspace, or is it all O/our space? i think that when i'm floating around the house and He's keeping me down with that sadistically pleasured glint in His eyes, i'm in subspace. When we are along together, and He's swimming in my mind, we are in O/our space...
i really need to work on my conclusions lol. Children make them near impossible.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Old issues

M and the relationship we have has really helped me work through a lot of issues i had around rape and molestation. They were things i used to think about every day and now rarely enter my mind at all. I had (still do sometimes) a really hard time accepting some of the things that get me off because of those issues. i'm sure a psychologist would say that i have the kinks i do because of those issues, but who knows. it doesn't really matter to me why i am the way i am. It matters that i like who i am and i am okay with being the freak i happen to be. Many things have changed. I no longer panic at dirty talk (still working on the giving end, but receiving is a turn-on now), i now generally view younger men as something you chew up and spit out, Dominant men don't make me quite as nervous as they used to, and i no longer completely disassociate during sex. i have learned that there's a difference between dirt, and well, dirt. Some is shit that gets you off, some is scarring and traumatizing. There is one thing that really hasn't changed from when i was younger though. i had not thought about it for some time, until M brought it up the other day, not having been in any situations where i had to face it. We were talking about get-togethers for people in the lifestyle. He said we could go to one sometime but that He was concerned about me. He had noticed that the particular get-together we were looking at had a number of older men going to it and He questioned my ability to cope with being in a situation like that with older men. Yea, i do still have a bit of shit to work through. When i started thinking about it, i got really nervous and uncomfortable. when i was young, i was molested by an elderly man with emphysema. My dad died of emphysema and just hearing that particular wheeze all patients of that disease have in common was really difficult for me. i know i can't spend my whole life avoiding just being around older men and if we ever do meet others in the lifestyle i will have to. i feel different when i'm around M though. i know i am safe, it's not the same when He's not there so i don't think it would be something i can't handle. Guess i won't know till we try huh.

Coffee and french toast

Been sick for days and had to miss work again which kind of sucks because we really needed the check, but such is life.
Been thinking a lot lately about M's desire to play with another woman. Jealousy is a really hard emotion for me to control. I used to check out other women with Him. He asked me what changed and i had no response, but i did think about it. The conclusion i came to is that i used to be a lot happier with my body. i'm far more comfortable with who i am now, and i know that i don't have an ugly body, came back down to a bit underweight after both kids, but i used to have an awesome body and it's not coming back lol. I decided to take a different approach to the whole playing with someone else thing. If i'm really going to do as He has asked, i need to approach it in a very me kind of way. i guess it's taking an emotional chance by trying to find someone i can talk to and be friends with, because it will create more of an emotional connection between them as opposed to just a random plaything here and there, but if i don't, jealousy is going to eat me up more i think. i also discovered something rather personally irritating to me--i am far more disturbed by women who are disrespectful and untruthful with Him than i am with Him playing with another. Actually, it really pisses me off lol. He told me that if He ever were to physically be with another woman, it had to be someone i could sit and have coffee with in the morning. Okay, so when i'm feeling unstable, the concept of having coffee and french toast with a woman my husband just fucked is really horrifying. At the same time, D/s is about trust. We can't go vanilla for the night to accommodate someone else so she has to be submissive, or at least comfortable with it, which means she has to feel comfortable and safe enough with us to be a part of that dynamic and have coffee and french toast too, so it's a two way street.
Anyways, those are the musings of my illness laden mind for the morning lol. My house is completely thrashed from everyone being sick so i had better get off my ass and do something about it.

Monday, November 1, 2010

Mind fuck

I was reading a thread on Fetlife about what is a mind fuck. Hmmm, little did I know, M does it to me all the time lol. It's a mindfuck when i'm curled up on my knees in the cold empty bathtub and M walks out of the room, leaving me waiting...for what i'm not sure, it's a mindfuck when M tells me to find Him another woman, it's a mind fuck when M makes me talk about my fantasies or the things i have done in the past without Him. There's all sorts of mindfucks.
One thing I didn't see in the thread was anything about the other kind of mind fuck. Something M is also quite fond of and it's my favorite kind. When He crawls inside my being with His mind and I can feel Him touching me without His body. His fingers caress my soul and there's the almost physical sensation of Him sliding in me. It's a real elevator ride down into space. Hmm, that ended up being a very short thought burst. Apparently just thinking about it turns my brain to mush lol.

Wrote this like a week ago. Since i doubt i will ever be able to "finish" it, i'll post it anyways lol.

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Owned, part I

She met Him at the door wearing only her collar. A piece composed of a series of small metal circles which lay comfortingly across her collarbone. Kneeling at His feet she removed His shoes and bowed her head. His bottomless brown eyes, surrounded by eyelashes that went on forever, glinted slightly as He touched her hands and motioned her gently to her feet. "Miss me little one?" "So very much Master" she replied feeling a slight shiver roll down her spine. He smacked her ass lightly, "help me out of these clothes." She slid His shirt up over His shoulders watching the muscles ripple in the soft candle light as He shrugged it off. Sinking back down to her knees she unfastened His belt. The sound His belt buckle made as she undid the fastenings made her shake slightly. The belt was more punishment than pleasure and He took His time when He chose to use it on her delicate flesh. She could feel Him smiling at the top of her head. He knew what she was thinking and found it rather amusing. She slipped His pants off and reached for His underwear, sliding it slowly down His legs. Looking up at Him from the floor, she felt like a miniature figurine. He towered over her all muscle and golden hair. "Go get in the shower little one--I want you clean and ready for inspection." She rose slowly to her feet, blushing at the thought of His face inches from her body, strong fingers prodding and checking as He assured Himself she had done the job properly.

Stepping into the shower she winced as unbearably hot water splashed across her skin. Turning down the temperature she melted under the water her mind consumed with thoughts of Him. She heard the bathroom door open and jumped slightly, aware that she hadn't even touched the soap yet. "I'm sorry, I'll be out in a minute she said." He raised an eyebrow slightly as He looked her up and down. His glance slid beneath her skin and invaded her soul as He took in every square inch of her physical form. He moved silently into the shower without taking His eyes off of her. With a steely grin, He reached for the water, she flinched as it returned to it's previously painful temperature. He settled His fingers firmly into her hair. It was not a rough touch, but one that forbid resistance as He pulled her under the flowing water. He motioned wordlessly for the soap and began washing her hair. Each one of her hands was the size of her head. A hand drifted down, grasping her throat and she floated mindlessly in the knowledge that He could snap her neck with one flick of his wrist. His hands continued to roam, spreading soap all over her body until He was satisfied with His work. He held her under the water for a minute. Then suddenly He pulled her head downward, in an unmistakable command. Sinking to her knees she felt His long hard cock slide into her mouth, continuing down her throat until she heaved involuntarily, her body pulling mindlessly away. His fingers tightened in her hair, motionless and unyielding keeping His cock buried in her throat. Suddenly He yanked her head back and pulled her to her feet. "Good job little one" He whispered in her ear as He steadied her. Somehow she had lost the ability to balance on her own. She tried to focus her eyes on His face. Her eyes told her He had a satisifed and slightly amused expression but her brain lacked the capability ot interpret it.

Friday, October 22, 2010

Need to serve

His finger traced a delicate line down the sweat on my back as I gasped for breath. "Come here." As I rolled towards Him He set a finger under my chin and lifted my face to meet His eyes. "It's to easy for you to fall into thinking that you serve Me because I want you to little one. You need to remember that you serve Me because you NEED to."
How very scarily true.

I have been thinking about the difference between submission and surrender. Is there a difference? I think so. To me, submission is an action. Surrender is a step beyond action into a state of being. It's like a need versus a want. Like speaking the word grace or being in a state of grace.
I feel like I never really knew what true love was. For 12 years I have loved M, not always with passion, not always with purity. But always deeply. Now, it feels as if He is all I live and breath. Leaving the house alone to go to work in the morning is almost painful. My mind feels hazy and I only want to be by His side. Our passion is all-consuming, He slides into my mind every time He slips into my body. When He explodes filling me with Him, I am complete. A whole piece of the intricate and never-ending universe. Sitting at His feet, I am where I was meant to be, resting on my knees, staring into His eyes, my soul is on fire, feeling an endless love that never tires.

And so the real world beckons with the screaming of children and the seemingly ever-present need to go to work. Meh.

Sunday, October 10, 2010

All in

"You're either all in or out little one." So, we have been on this road for a while now, but there's something to say for evolution I guess. M spent a lot of time repressing parts of himself and I think He's done with that now. We were talking about other women. A subject that's a bit difficult for me to swallow as it's often accompanied with a heap of jealousy and a side-serving of guilt do to my past fuck-ups. M pointed out that I can't continue to submit within the box of my comfort zone and it's time to be all in or get off this train so to speak. "How far down the rabbit hole can you go little one?" The truth is, i don't know and M doesn't either. When He said it was time for me to chose to take the next step or step off the path, He said I needed to think carefully about my choice because there was no going back once the decision was made. Well, it's all in from here on out and I guess we shall see how far down the rabbit hole we can go.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Rules of the "game"

The rules of the game have changed tremendously over this last week. I don't know how well I'm adapting. "rules of the game" seems to be a very ironic suggestion since we have moved so far from "games" we aren't even on the same planet lol.
I'm dazed and confused. So confusion is no stranger, but still, my mind feels a bit wrecked. Over the last few days, M has been very intense. We have these intense conversations in bed that make me squirm, almost every sentence He speaks is followed with "do you understand?"
I'm a jealous person. I have been for a very long time. I suppose that I would be less so if I was a bit more secure with myself, but I haven't been able to change that either lol. I found someone online for M to play around with...Yeah, jealousy is a brutal bitch. I guess it helps if you know and like the person calling your Dominant "Master"...Does it? Dunno. M said something last night that kind of got me going. The funny thing is, it wasn't sexual in the least. He said something about if we bring another woman to bed, it should be someone I can sit and have coffee with in the morning. Coffee...Hmmm, coffee's really not more personal than sex lol. But coffee implies cuddling, some kind of relationship other than empty sex? I'm not well versed in empty sex, I suppose coffee afterwards is not rare lol. It just cast the idea in a different light for me I guess. It didn't help that I got to see someone else call Him Master yesterday. I felt...displaced. I know that's silly, but that is how I felt. I also kind of figured it was just deserts for me; having once said that to other men online myself (well, I'd be lying if I said I remembered exact instances, but I'm sure I did. Sigh*). If I had had any idea of what that really meant, I would have never typed the word lol. Funny how things can seem empty and meaningless until we discover the reality of what they are.
I'm not sure what triggered the changes of this last week, I'm not even sure I object. Well, that's not true. I do. I object vehemently, but somehow I'm losing the will to push back...Maybe that's what scares me. Master's angel did a post (if I wasn't lazy I'd make a link to her blog, but I am and it's listed over to the right) where she talked about fear of losing her Master. I sympathise with that feeling because I have been struggling with that one big time. Because yes, shit we have no control over happens. No matter how strong the Dominant, accidents happen, illness occurs, etc. The further I sink into Him, the more I realize that I couldn't survive without Him. Not just in the physical sense. It's the mental concept of living without Him that sometimes make me wish we had never discovered this thing we call Dominance and submission. Okay, now I'm really rambling incoherently. As far as the other girl goes, what bothers me most, that she called Him Master, or that she didn't send Him the pic that He requested...No, what bothered me most is that she called Him Master when talking to me, not my Master lol. And after all, just because you hop online and type the word, doesn't mean you are truly giving the respect it warrants. Okay, so I think I'm doing a pretty good job of keeping the fangs tucked in, I'm sure someone will disagree with me but oh well.

The conversations M has been having with me at night are melting my mind. He's so clear and concise, He expects answers that are the same, and He does not tolerate evasiveness. He expresses little emotion, there's no anger, no laughter, no fluffy expressions of love. Just this bubble of truth and control that's so pure and intense it almost makes me want to crawl out of my skin. Or maybe into His. I dunno anymore.
M can be quite sadistic. I'm learning that His expression of it is, more often than not, mental rather than physical. If the physical expression doesn't get the mental response He wants to see, it seems to lack quite a bit of satisfaction. I guess while it can be fun to whip someone, it's also fairly rewarding to make them squirm and beg in the same manner without touching them at all.
He asked me, "what scares you more, the thought of waking up in the morning and having coffee with a woman we fucked the night before, or waking up with me in the morning and realizing what you did with another man the night before, because I'm throwing him out when we're done" uhhh. Ouch my mind. I got so carried away with thinking about the coffee I was quite able to avoid thinking about the other. I guess the thought of waking up and having coffee with the woman makes me jealous. The thought of waking up and thinking about what happened with another man the night before makes me feel like I'm standing in town square naked with a leash on.

M seems to find it entertaining that I can't seem to form words when He's asking me things, yet I can sit and write on the blog like a fountain. I have this feeling I won't find it entertaining comes our nightly conversation.

Sunday, October 3, 2010

Last night was painfully intense. Not so much physically, as mentally. M told me to get Him hard with words alone...When I couldn't seem to "connect that dirty mind with [your] mouth," M demanded I tell Him about the first time I had cyber sex. I couldn't remember.
M has decided that it's time for me to find another woman for Him to play with. He asked if I understood that He could only know that I really meant it when I said I would do whatever He told me to, if He actually called the bluff and I proved it. M can be a very serious human being. He is rarely as serious as He was last night. He told me that it was important I understand that everything He does is done with my best interests in mind. With His wants and desires forefront of course. By the end of the night I knew without a doubt that the day is coming where I'm tied at the foot of the bed watching Him fuck another woman. A woman I have to find. Ironically, I don't much like women. I don't mean sexually (though members of my sex don't exactly light my fire), I just find most women to be catty and intollerable. Yea I know, viciously betraying my own sex. Sadly, most of the ones worth talking to, would probably agree with me. I went to sleep and woke up feeling like my mind had been turned inside out and upside down.

Monday, September 13, 2010

This world we live in and "why mom?"

If someone had told me that I would be sitting at the dinner table explaining the longstanding conflict between Palestine and Israel, the U.S occupation of Iraq, and why people do so many bad things to each other, I might have put a bit more thought into procreating. How do you best explain to your 7 year old, wars that have been going on since before you were born, conflicts that rage on for years, and why that 7 year old on the other side of the world has no legs? I love my kids. What makes them more important than that kid across the world who has no legs? Nothing except for the fact that they are more important to me. It seems like the world as a whole has devolved to the point where we think it's normal and okay to completely lack human empathy. Lacking empathy is what allows us to turn a blind eye to the suffering of others, to place our pain above that of others, to say, my life is more important because...it's mine.
Yea, I hate those discussions. I think our first nitty-gritty discussion that made me reevaluate parenthood was Thanksgiving. "Yes baby, it was a massacre, ummm, why do we celebrate it? Because we do so in the spirit of giving thanks for what we have been given, in the spirit of which those who died offered to share what they had with others. Not to celebrate the pain and suffering that occurred on the original day." Eeek. Well, I'm sure many people would be more than happy to disagree with my style of parenting. But I don't believe in lying to my children. Not telling them about the truth of this world is not going to make this world a better place, it won't make them become better men. It will only doom us to repeating the mistakes of humanity. After all, if we don't know, or cannot admit past faults, how can we learn from them?
Okay, that's my completely non-sexy and uninteresting philosophical rambling for the day lol.

Saturday, September 11, 2010

I think all I ever do is clean. I clean all day at work, stumble home late, then spend my days off cleaning our house. Been averaging 5-6 hours of sleep which is making me just plain cranky. I forgot how hard it is to get a little one to sleep in their own bed. I just wanna be a big girl with my (well, His) own bed again lol.
I went into space the other night for the first time in a while. It felt really wonderful just to be able to let go and sink down. Of course, I did end up crying afterwards when M gave me shit about blowing out the candles when we had no lighter. Wow, how ridiculous that looks in writing. I guess I just get really super sensitive to what He thinks of me ( the irony in not minding being called a slut all night and being hurt about getting a little shit afterwards is not lost on me lol).

Anyways, I have philosophical meanderings on my mind that my kids are not interested in hearing this morning lol. I was thinking about love on the way home last night. Well, love and emotional suffering. I suppose it was a pretty basic realization, but it's something I hadn't really ever thought about in quite this way--love seems to be the one thing on earth that can bring the greatest joy and the worst pain. All surrounding that one emotion. If you didn't love someone, it wouldn't hurt when they died. If you never love, then you miss the most fulfilling emotion a person can experience. Why is it, that one emotion can cause feelings that are so completely opposite (I am welcoming ideas here lol)? Perhaps it's because love is such an intense emotion. It becomes something we hold onto like a lifeline out of the water. When we lose it, we feel like we have been swept away in the currents I guess. perhaps love really is a raging river. At the same time, experiencing it is like getting swept away. Being in love is so similar to losing love--you are carried down the river by forces of nature that are just to strong to control or resist. Hmmm, this all made some kind of weird sense in my head. Seeing it typed out it just looks contradictory and confused. Maybe it's because I'm not good at putting emotion into words. I'm done trying for today lol.

I had been kicking around the idea of taking a road trip with the boys and going out to see my father's family. I have done a lot of traveling, but never without M so the idea of driving across the country on my own is a bit scary. Ironically, it's something my father would probably have loved--me being able to take care of myself was very important to him. I doubt it will happen this year as the drive really needs to happen before snow falls or after it melts, and we just don't have the money. I have put off this particular visit for a very long time. After talking to my grandmother the other day, I feel I need to go. She can't come here and I would like her to meet our youngest son. I felt bad...She started to cry the instant I said my name. She sounds absolutely destroyed. The poor woman lost her husband, her youngest, and now, her eldest child within the span of one year. And her one living son appears to be going off the deep end. I told them to send him out to see me, but I guess he has a problem getting on a plane. I think he's afraid to come here. He's never been out here without my dad being a major presence. I just think that sometimes the best way to deal with an issue is to plow straight through to the other side. Meh, how did I get to be the adult here?

I have been having terrible cramps for no reason and my house is once again in need of cleaning. I had better start staring at it and getting up the motivation to do something with the mess.

Monday, August 30, 2010

Pieces of who I used to be

Force me to my knees
steal the air I breathe
shame me
claim me
stop one step short of maiming me
You never blamed me
for being a whore
You made me Yours
kept me off the streets
and away from other men's sheets
You kept me from the beds of despair
running Your hands through my tangled hair
You set aside my words and wants
for my dreams and needs
You heard me screaming
in a world unbelieving
that there was more than empty meniality
as you release your needs upon my body
your playground screaming in an endless river
dying to be heard
begging for a place to hide
You made me Your bride
took possession of my being
now you give me the space to grieve
and I no longer know what I need
to be let be, or beaten till I bleed
a queen whore on her knees
Master I have lost
that clarity of being
Master I'm trying to catch myself
but I think I need some help
I store my feelings on the shelf
using emotions to control other emotions
it's an inside explosion in motion
I was born without the ability to be broken
but I feel like I am losing pieces
of who I used to be
Master, I no longer know what I need
throw me on the bed
crawl inside my head
pulling those invisible threads
I have drowned
in amazing grace
pretty like lace
a once empty vessel floating through space
trying to hide my face and discover my place
I am no longer who I was
am I who I was meant to be?
Please don't ever set me free
from the bounds of our reality
Master I am losing
pieces of me.

Want versus need and what dreams will be

I think that one of the biggest differences between a D/s marriage and a vanilla one, is that husbands generally strive to give their wives what they want. A Dominant provides His wife what she needs. The two things are not always one and the same. Sure, I want to be cuddled and held, in this point of my life, I even need it just to maintain stability. But I also need to be a toy in the sadists playground. While there quite often comes a time where I find myself thinking, "holy fucking shit, enough, make it stopppp!" it seems like it isn't until after that point has been traveled far past, that I reach the state of mind I need. A place where there is no more thought, no more want, no more individual. Just being. M still has difficulty with his likes sometimes. I guess it's difficult to reconcile loving someone with the fact that you can get tremendous pleasure from inflicting pain on that same person. Anyways, I got off my mental track about what a person needs is not always what they want. Before my father died, he told M we had seven days of grieving, after which we needed to let him go so that his soul could continue its journey. I don't think this was meant as a cut-off point for sadness, simply a time frame in which we were allowed to actively hang on to his being, an easing into life without him (feels more like a 100 mile an hour train wreck, but anhyow...). We had decided that at the end of the seven days we would have a celebration in his honor. He always said "when I die, burn it down and have a big party." So that was the plan. On day two, my mom freaked out. She said she felt rushed and didn't want to go through with the event. This was really hard for M and I. On one hand, we had the directive of taking care of her and doing what makes mom happy. On the other hand, maybe making her happy wasn't as important as doing what we felt needed to be done. Poor M. He took her to the side to talk and she got really put out with Him. While they were talking I could see her hand on her hip and M's shoulder bow that said He was trying to explain Himself in a very non-Dominant way and do the right thing. I thought to myself, "what are we supposed to do dad, we're supposed to do what makes mom happy, but is that taking care of her in the right way?" I heard/sensed a reply (one I was quite grateful for, even though it took the added reinforcement of talking to our boys godmother to clear up whether we were doing what was needed or just hearing what we wanted). "What mom wants isn't always what mom needs." It's a true fact of being human that we rarely acknowledge. I didn't want to experience the pain of childbirth, but I needed it to show me how strong I am. We didn't want our move to fall through, but we needed it to so our family could be together during this time. I didn't want my dad to die, in fact, I really fucking want him back, but I think maybe I needed this experience in my life to help me become the person I was meant to be. Being a submissive gives me more of a relationship with M and life where I get what I need, not what I want (don't get me wrong, getting what you want can be pretty damn great, but it can be very different from what you need).

Okay, my philosophical musings are depleted now lol.
M's sister called me at 8 AM this morning to tell me she wanted M to go see a Dr. She had a dream that he had died and as a result of his passing, I died too leaving my mother with our boys. Quite often, I think dreams are random ramblings of the subconscious mind. Our hopes and fears, the best and worst of ourselves and our realities come out to play in the night. Dreams are not always that simple though, it's learning to draw the distinction that makes things complicated. Three months before my father died I had a dream that he was, for lack of a better word, grey. There was no color of life around him. I woke up and told M that I didn't think my dad would live to see another Spring. Life got complicated, and I decided to ignore my dream. I didn't want it to be true, and he was no sicker than he had been throughout the year. 2 weeks before he died I saw him. He was grey, not physically, but there was no color of life surrounding him. He looked just as he had in my dream. We went home and I told M my dad was going to die and I wished I had not ignored my dream and let circumstances and disagreements come between us. Sister's dream was not my own, so I can't sense the feeling of it. My father's death has been rough on her and her sister too. He filled a very important place in their lives from a very young age. It could just be her fear of losing the biggest rocks in her life--M and I. But I am not the only dreamer in our family and I have been deeply concerned with M's health lately. M payed the dream no mind and told me not to worry. Funny thing is, the thought of my own death has never really bothered me, the thought of losing M or one of our children--that's a mind crushing concept for me.
I think I need a very intense session to take me back out of my mind and clear out the cobwebs. I don't really want one though lol.