Monday, July 30, 2012

Submission's Opposite?

This post started at the end of Preconceived Notions. But for once, I decided to make an attempt at separating two different subjects.

Sometimes I get caught up in how I should be submitting.
Does it sound slow to say that it took me until typing that sentence to fully comprehend what it means?

As Alpha's submissive, deciding how I should submit is the polar opposite of submission.

I have spent years working on not attempting to define his Dominance by my own terms. And the whole time, I was missing what was right in front of my nose--being far to busy trying to decide how I should or should not submit.

Perhaps that's one of the reasons it's easiest to submit to the things we want--because we decided that was how we were going to submit.
But then submission takes on all these forms that don't fit into any fantasies (I dunno about anyone else, but being the one to run into the store and being told to check the mail are not on my hot list). But maybe they fit his fantasies.
Because when you live something every day, it often takes on forms that didn't occur to us before they actually happen.

My idea of submission did not include hauling my butt up off the couch to make cookies at 10: at night. His does. And so I do (okay, it's usually less than gracious at that time of night, but we're all a work in progress right).

I think sometimes when we decide that we want to be Dominated, it's easy to forget what it means to submit.
And in effect, submission is about what he wants it to be. Not what I think it should be.

That's not to say we don't have needs that should be met, or that whatever the Dominants idea of submission is will work all the time. But...

Maybe it's an obvious kind of epiphany. But submitting isn't about what I think it should be. It's about what he thinks it needs to be.
Who knew? And if you did, why didn't anyone tell me before?! Okay, so maybe he might have perhaps implied it a couple of times.
It only took me about 6 years to catch on...

Saturday, July 28, 2012

500 Ramblings

This is my 500th post. Not the most prolific blog of all time, but I do have my moments. I wonder why five hundred sounds like more of a milestone than 450, or say, 600? Maybe because it's nice and easy to add. And if you drop the zeros, can be done comfortably on ones fingers.

Anyways, 500 does feel like a bit of a milestone in a land where blogs seem to come and go like the changing weather.
I'm not sure what I was thinking when I started this...Oh wait, I remember! I was thinking that I couldn't talk to him so I should just write. But That's not exactly why it ended up being a blog. I mean, a word document would have been a lot simpler lol.
Perhaps it was because I had been lurking for ages and was still too shy to comment on anything so it was much easier just to start writing ramblings of my own. And I had a deep certainty that no one would read  it anyways!

Either way, I don't really remember and that doesn't bother me one bit. Because here it is. My little place to redecorate as the ocd strikes, bitch, theorize, share ideas, and wonder what makes the world turn. It is quite clearly, much more fun that a word document.

And I have to admit, I rather like it here in Blogland. Because I get to share ideas, explore new concepts, and interact with people that I would otherwise never have gotten to talk with. Plus, where else would I vent? Alpha will only tolerate so much complaining lol.
Plus, I can rearrange the furniture as often as I want!

So thank you to everyone who visits--the ones who comment regularly who make me laugh or give me inspiration, and those who read quietly like I once did. I am sometimes quite amazed that you find something here worth reading...

Friday, July 27, 2012


Between the fact that life is just a crazy place to live (which makes my mind highly uncooperative), and a raging infection, sex just really hasn't been on the menu lately.
But I think it's fair to say that if I keep having these dreams, I might go bonkers long before my body decides to cooperate.
What's up with that?

It's just not right.

I have to go to work. And suddenly, I really, really don't want to.

I want to live in that imaginary world where one can think infections into oblivion, my mind is always where it should be, and I get to turn around and go straight back to bed...Curl up to that glorious back, and go straight to sleep after he's had his way with me.

It's quite possible that there's unicorns and rainbows there too!

And no, I haven't taken up drugs. It's just a very odd morning--one of those where walking out of the house alone feels like going into the grocery store naked.

Thursday, July 26, 2012

An Entity of its Own

I have decided that relationships become their own entity. Him + me = us + relationship. There should probably be some x and y's in there somewhere...But I'm running out of fingers to count on, so there you have it.

The thing is, a relationship takes on a life and evolutionary process of it's own. While we make it possible, and are integrally entwined, the relationship still has its own characteristics somewhat independent of us as individuals.

Sometimes we like the entity we created. Other times, not so much.

I think that is one of the reasons that neglect (or at least feeling neglected), is so universally bad for relationships--they need food, water, and nurturing. Just like the people who inhabit them.

In a way, relationships are very much like homes. They are structured differently out of the same basic kind of materials. But it's the people who live in inside that makes them more than just houses.

Or one could say that relationships are really like gardens, and without food, water and attention, they die. It doesn't matter how much you put into the dirt, how carefully you cultivate your seedlings, or how strong your fence is, if one day you just quit taking care of it.
The weeds take over, your precious seedlings turn into compost, and all your hard work melts back into the ground.
So you have to care for  it throughout it's life.

I am apparently getting terribly sidetracked by my mood...

Where was I originally going with this?

Oh, right--relationships as their own entity.

I believe that is one of the reasons they can be so friggin complicated--we think of relationships as being two individuals. And we forget that it's not just us as separate entities that come together. It is also about the entity we create when we do so.

Much like ourselves, relationships change and evolve as they grow. So we tend to them as best we can, and hope they grow on a path that we are happy to follow.

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Preconceived Notions

 This set of ramblings might seem somewhat contrary to my last post, but that one was about action, and this one is about those little squiggly things that happen in my mind. If you take that into account, and consume lots of coffee, I'm sure it will make sense.

Greengirl left a comment on my last post, and made a statement about expectations that got me to thinking again (what can I say, it's an addiction that's hard to conquer). 

We all have views and opinions about how things should be. It's is one of the things that makes us unique and gives us the ability to strive to be better and accomplish things in our lives.
The thing is, when it comes to ttwd, preconceived notions have gotten me into more trouble than anything else.
I know right, Me in trouble? Who would have guessed. *waits patiently for the screeching tires.

Preconceived notions help us to avoid people and situations that we find undesirable. But they also limit our range of experience and filter the world for our own eyes without the necessity of seeing things as they really are.

When it comes to D/s, and life in general I suppose, we sometimes allow ourselves to get so carried away with how we think things should be, that we forget to appreciate how they are.

Living in the moment can be an issue for me. I think it's one of the side effects of constantly thinking without pause for punctuation.
And I have noticed that one of the worst things about not living in the moment is that it can lead to missing the moment for what it is--because of being too caught up in the next moment and how I think it should be.

Don't get me wrong, I believe that thinking ahead is important. If you don't think ahead you never pay off that mortgage, make a relationship last beyond the beginning, or calculate the possible results of events that have a great impact on your life.
It is important to look at events and be able to make reasonable predictions about the outcome and how our actions impact that outcome. Because that is how we make decisions.

But if you don't spend some time in the moment, and are always looking at what comes next, then you look back and realize that you didn't really live those moments--because you were too wrapped up in preconceived notions of how the moment should have been.
Not how it is.

It is much the same with people--if I get caught up in Thinking how Alpha should be doing something, I miss what is lovely and right about the things he is doing. Because I had preconceived notions of how they should be.

On a completely unrelated note, how come I always have "work gone terribly wrong" dreams the night before I start a new client? It's worse than not sleeping at all!

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Submission is Not About Telling Him What To Do?!

I've been thinking again ( I know, dangerous stuff)...Anyways, these concepts are not about the Dom someone met last week or the fledgling relationship. If you need more of a disclaimer than that, you shouldn't be reading here in the first place.

Submission is not about telling him what he can and cannot call me, what he can and cannot do to me, what I will or will not do, or how far I am or am not willing to go.

You can't go walking around saying that you are owned and submit to someone, then turn around and tell him "but you can't do or say this that and the other."
You can have a relationship with someone who cares enough to not do this and that because they would damage you.

I think that in an established relationship, the submissive doesn't have defined limits outside of the Dominant's. I mean sure, I squeak loudly about my feet being hard limits and please don't touch my belly button (it drives me bonkers in a bad way), and he chuckles and says "Oh, you want your limits pushed so I should abuse your feet and stick my finger in your belly button? Okay!"

In all seriousness though, beyond the obvious and truly sick shit that we both firmly agree on, my limits are the ones he sets.

I can't tell him what names he is allowed to call me, I can't tell him what he can and cannot do to me, I can't tell him what activities we aren't going to engage in.
Well, I could. And yes, occasionally I do...But that's not really submitting is it? It's dictating my submission and defining his Dominance on my terms.

He cares about my welfare. And while the world of things to do to and with me is his oyster (I really shouldn't be using that saying, it makes no sense whatsoever to me), he doesn't do everything he could. Partly because I matter to him, and partly because there are things he just doesn't want to do.

Maybe there are things I would do that he wouldn't, but they will never happen because he doesn't want to do them. And there are things I really don't want to do but would because he said so. Though he chooses not to do them because of the repercussions for me.

He could have any kind of free-for-all he can imagine with me. But he won't. Because my well-being matters to him.
And I could tell him what is acceptable and what is not. But I won't. Because I gave him the power and I trust him to use it.

Sure I have opinions that I'm happy to share with him, and for the most part, he's happy to listen. Whether he does anything about them or not, is up to his discretion. And I accept that.

Monday, July 23, 2012

The Limitations of Theory

I enjoy theorizing--especially when it comes to things like D/s or the meaning of life. I think that it's a great way to explore ideas and concepts, as well as to expand the way we think and perceive things.
Theories can give us something to build on and bring a deeper insight to what we are discovering.

But theory has its limitations.

When I was a kid I remember this biologist coming to see my dad's gardens. The man could tell you the molecular composition of spinach, the technicalities of the growth process, and exactly what nutrients the plant provided.
He could not however, identify spinach growing and was completely in awe of the gardens because he had never seen anything growing in the dirt.
He knew it all in theory. But he knew nothing about the reality of food. He was probably a rather brilliant person, but I recall thinking he wasn't too bright because he couldn't identify food before it was on his plate.

While it is a bit of a stretch, I think that it is much the same with D/s--theory is awesome. It helps us expand our understanding and come at it from a deeper level because it encourages us to dig deeper.

But theory doesn't always translate into real life. What grows in our minds cannot always survive in the fields.

So it's important to realize that there's no substitute for living and being.

We take our theories, discard some, and try to cultivate others. Sometimes they survive and are proven correct. Other times we find that they lack a realism that can be applied on a day-to-day basis.

Because sometimes, when we are too overloaded with theories, they interfere with our reality.

Sunday, July 22, 2012

Co-dependently Independent

I have come to the conclusion that I am co-dependently independent. No one wants to admit to being codependent right? But I can phrase it so it sounds better!

See, I had this moment the other day...And after I admitted it to him, I was sure he'd say something to the effect of  "Okay Missy, this has gone far enough. No more D/s for you!" Because he doesn't believe in BDSM myth #36 (brought to us by the lovely Master's piece), and as attractive as it is, neither do I. 

I'm fine on my own. I do things on my own and make decisions all the time. Since I'm usually right and good at what I do, it goes quite well for the most part.
And sometimes, I think he makes me make decisions just to make sure I'm not slipping and keep me in practice.

The thing is, I may have had a teensy weensy panic attack over something totally stupid...

Background so I don't feel like I come across quite as ridiculous as I felt:
I mentioned a while back that I temporarily misplaced my mother at a concert with 100,000 people. I left her in a specific spot and went to see where I could get us a Taxi. When I came back to that spot she was gone. After looking for her for twenty minutes, I contemplated just getting a Taxi back to our room. Neither of us knew the city, but we both knew where we were staying so it wouldn't have been a big deal.
Except that I knew she would have probably stayed wherever she moved off to for hours until the crowd cleared.

Anyways, throughout that my only reoccurring thought was "Ohhh...Alpha and the kids are going to yell at me for losing grandma! I'm never gonna live this one down."
I did find her and yes, everyone does still like to tease me that I lost grandma.

The point of my long-winded story, is that I do alright on my own. And I tend to do even better if I'm looking out for someone else (hey, the misplacement was temporary tyvm). But I don't get that panicky feeling.

Moving on to Friday. I went to the bathroom at the venue we had decided to go to. When I went in Alpha was standing right there by the doors. When I came out, he was nowhere to be found.
So I loitered and scanned the crowd...Then I debated going back to our seats (that's the really ridiculous thing, we had seats!) but the I thought "What if I go back to the seats and he doesn't then he's here looking for me and I get in trouble because I'm not where I was supposed to be or he already went back to the seats and I'm just going to stand here like an idiot for ages or maybe he's neither of those places and I'm going to wander around for ages looking for him and feeling like an idiot for feeling so damn lost and freaking out?!"

Yes, my mind really does sound like that--it doesn't pause for punctuation.

Eventually he wandered nonchalantly out of the mens room, kissed me on the top of my head and chuckled sweetly about how silly I was.
And my panic immediately moved in another direction, "I didn't used to be like this! It has to be a side effect of D/s. What if he says I can't be his sub anymore because suddenly I can't make basic decisions and function on my own. I am in so much trouble!"

Yea, he laughed at me again then made me go get us something to drink after promising to stay in the same spot I left him in.
Which of course led to my realization that I am co-dependently independent--I do independence just fine. As long as he tells me to.

I still don't feel like any less of a dork about it though.

Friday, July 20, 2012

Ooh La La

We get to have a night out tonight. This will be the second time in 30 days. It's a new record! And given that we are going out and won't be home until the wee hours, I should probably still be asleep. But the dog woke me up. Then I had the whole, kid on Christmas morning thing and couldn't go back to sleep lol.

Alpha told the kids that we might run away to Mexico, and the little one set him straight with a clearly outlined itinerary of events for the day, and exactly when we were supposed to pick them back up. He's on top of the schedule--apparently Mexico isn't on it.

And I know the light font on black is a pain to read...I couldn't help it! I was going to start biting my fingernails and my offers to rearrange the furniture were rejected.

And did I mention we're going out tonight?! Yea, just imagine a kid sitting in a pile of presents Christmas morning. That's me lol.

Thursday, July 19, 2012

Definitions of the Mind

My physical issues are by no means a huge deal. But they do have a pretty big impact on my life when they decide to act up. Which makes many of those rough physical moments I adore so much simply not possible. But it also makes me think more about those other aspects that I adore.
The aspects that are not ruled by the physical.

Because it is not the physical acts that define our D/s. It is our minds.

His mind defines where our limits are, how far we will go, what we will physically do.
My mind defines how I will submit and how I feel afterwards.
And the process of redefining ourselves, while effected greatly by the physical, is something that happens mostly in our minds.

Physical bodies, even though they do not always do as we want them to, are fairly easy to control. Especially for a man who sees the world from a much taller perspective than the woman he is Dominating.

But often, as we go exploring, I think we realize that isn't enough.
Because there is always a chance of ending up in a situation where outside forces control our physical reality.
What goes on in our minds though? That is quite often about the choices we make in perception.

Free will is the one thing we all have in common, and our physical choices can be limited--but how we choose to deal with those limitations and what we do along the way are what define us.

Control is often expressed through physical acts. But it doesn't take place in the actions themselves.
True control comes from, and occurs in, the mind. And it is quite possible to control a persons physical actions without exerting physical control to do so.

Someone can Dominate all day long. But the one submitting will never actually belong to them if their mind isn't in it.

In a previous post, I said that mental vulnerability was a bit like being tied to the bed naked and blindfolded, only better because it's all in your head.
And I think that is where control and trust really come into play.

It's easy to let someone tie you to the bed and flog you to their hearts content. It's not as easy to let them so far into your mind that the physical circumstances can become irrelevant.

Physical vulnerability can be awesome.
Mental vulnerability brings a certain closeness that transcends one's physical state. Because really, can you get any closer to someone than being inside their head?

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

The Monogamous Whore?

I was spewing thoughts into my drafts folder when a comment came in on my previous post that sent my train of thought in a completely different direction. Not sure exactly where that direction will lead, but here it is.

The words "slut" and "whore" are ones that tend to carry negative connotations. They are not things most people want to be, or names we want people to call us. The titles are spoken and received as insults.
Because when someone is all pissed off at you and yells that you're a whore? It's not a good thing.

The thing is though, human beings are multifaceted creatures. Just because a woman is a lady, doesn't mean there is not also a part of her that is a whore. Kind of like just because a woman runs a business, does not mean that there's no chance she has a need to submit.

And there is a the lady who could have been, inside every corner prostitute. Someone's daughter, mother, sister...

What we perceive when we see people is not always equivalent to what they really are. Because it takes many parts to make up a whole. And sometimes, when we pick and choose which pieces of the whole we are willing to accept in ourselves, we ignore parts that make us complete.

The concept of Alpha calling me a slut was introduced into our relationship during sex. It went through my head, and my mouth, in it's typical fashion, opened of its own accord and asked "Am I your dirty little slut?"

His shock was palpable. Because, well...I had lots of issues in the talking dirty department. But he ran with it anyways. And I loved it.

Then "whore" came into play. In and of itself, I'm not a huge fan of being called that. But when he throws in that key possessive phrase and the sentence becomes something along the lines of "I own you whore." Ah well, everything changes.

Why don't I have a problem with him calling me those things? Because he owns me.And it turns me on.

I can be anything.
I can be a prude,
a whore,
an expression of innocence,
a slut,
a lady,
a queen,
a slave...
I am
whatever he says I am.
I am me.

But within all of those contexts I am still his.

I was having a hard time clarifying my lines of thought and Alpha made an analogy for me.
If someone who is gay, lives their life in a heterosexual relationship, does that mean that they aren't really gay? I don't think that it does. You are what you are. The difference comes from whether you acknowledge it or not.
And I believe that it is quite possible to be a happily owned whore in a monogamous relationship.

Why do I actually like it when my husband who is the only person I have sex with calls me a slut or a whore?

Because him doing so gives me the freedom to be who and what I am. It acknowledges those parts of me and makes them okay. I don't have to hide pieces of who I am from him or myself.
And I don't actually have to make the choice whether or not to act on it--because he makes that choice for me.

Alpha calling me a whore is like having the layers stripped away--it is saying, "I know who and what you are. And I love you for, all of it. Because you are not just a whore--you are My whore".

He doesn't just tell me that I am a whore and treat me like one.
He tells me that I am beautiful and he loves me, that owning me pleases him and that I am amazing. 
He can treat me like a filthy whore one instant, and the most spectacular and special creature on earth the next.
And it melts me. This works for us.

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Possessive Terms

Thoughts. Words.
The ones I love so much...

Good girl.

"Breathe for me."
"My whore."
"Cum for me."
"My good girl."

The possessive context changes all those words. It takes them from something mildly hot, to a level of knee melting that is far beyond what those words do without the possessive terms.

"Breathe for me."

Breath is the base-point of life. When he controls my breathing, he controls everything else that goes along with it.
And when there's pain, or something just becomes to much and he tells me to breathe for him. That's all I need.
It's not just the basic command to breathe--a necessity for continuation of life. It's doing so for him. Because he tells me to.
Being told to breathe is like being told to be alive. To relax in the moment and accept that whatever will be will be.

"My whore."

The term "whore" implies that someone is payed for being sexually promiscuous. So technically, I don't really fit the category. But when he adds the "my", everything changes. Because I am...For him. And I get a great deal of reward out of it.

"Cum for me."

That statement makes it about him. Doing it not for myself, but for him. And somehow that makes a huge difference. I guess it's kind of like the whole "Don't Dominate me because I want you to" bit. Make me beg for what I want then give it to me because it's what you want concept.

"My good girl."

Okay, that one's awesome in any context. With or without the "my". It's like sub crack-- I will go to extremes and endure things only to please. Because in the end, my fix will be waiting for me.

Yea... Breath for me and good girl. If I only got to hear five words for the rest of my life, those would suit me just fine.

Monday, July 16, 2012

Body and Mind are Not One...?

I have gotten rather used to my body and my brain disagreeing about things. Very rude of my body, but it happens rather often.

I always know when my body is not on the same page as my mind. I know how it's going to feel and what it's going to do, even if I disagree.

The thing is...

It did something without me last night. Something that I had no clue was going to happen before it did.

See, orgasms tend to be somewhat elusive for me. One and I'm done--everything closes down, locks up, and revolts completely against further intrusion.
And it's been so long since I came without permission I'm not even sure I can do it anymore.

Last night he asked me if I was going to cum again. My brain said no, knowing that my body was in total agreement.
Then, against all the knowledge that my mind lay forth, it came on his command. Twice.

And I stared at the ceiling for a while afterwards contemplating this turn of events. Because while my body might not always do as I ask it to, it never does what someone else tells it to do without my prior consent.

It was a little bit scary. Which in turn made it that much more hot because I'm twisted like that.

So I'm still thinking. Because I'm not really sure what I think about this turn of events.

Oh yea, and I dreamed about sex again. What is happening to me?! It's a rhetorical question lol.

Sunday, July 15, 2012

Sexy Dreams and Random Things

I don't dream about sex. Really. As a general rule my dreams just don't have that in the equation.
Except that last night was my second one this month.
And I don't really remember the details. But I do remember the feeling of need because I woke up with it. That feeling of need related to sex is also something I am somewhat unfamiliar with.
All in all, I think I like it...But I'm not sure what to think of it lol.

In all honestly, a good part of my day will probably be spent musing about that surprisingly overwhelming feeling I had in my dreams. The one that seems to be sticking with me for some odd reason...

In other random news, my back is out again and I'm thoroughly irritated about it. I don't think it's that much to ask to be able to work 15 hours a week and still be able to walk. The most annoying part? It was a 6 hour week this time.

Alpha's birthday is tomorrow. And while I enjoy experimenting with new recipes, I get nervous if I have to test them on a group of people the first time I try.
So what does he want? Pork tenderloin rounds wrapped in bacon and grilled. Should work out fine right?

So today I'll make carrot cake (he's asked for the same cake every year since the beginning of time), appetizers, and try my hand at wrapping tenderloin rounds in bacon so they stay together. No biggie right?

Thursday, July 12, 2012

The Submission of Asking

This morning, Alpha read my last post and all the discussion and comments that ensued. He said that he thinks one of the reasons it is so hard for submissives to sit down and start the conversation is because it's like the first and most basic act of submission.

You put yourself out there--and he does whatever he will with it.

So naturally, that got me to thinking. A process somewhat confused by my attempts to respond to all the comments on said post. But I think my brain is pulling it back together.

I have been really struggling with submission over the last few months (okay, so it could be said years, but lets focus on the present lol). He forced me to take a more proactive approach to D/s ( mostly by an absence of action). And then proceeded to continue being super distracted and caught up in other stuff. I fell apart. Then I did alright. Then I proposed dying in my Cheerios.
He started focusing on the D/s aspects of our relationship a bit more and helped dragged me out of my funk.

But overall this approach of active versus passive submission has made me spend more time on that most basic form of submission--saying and asking for what I want/need.
Now I don't think that always having to ask for what you need as a submissive is very healthy.
So much of our relationship is based on him knowing what those needs are that it's easy for a sense of doubt to settle in fairly quickly.

Having to ask or beg for what I want is a huge form of submission for me. Having to consistently ask for needs to be met is far less beneficial. And I rarely have to make those requests.
But something interesting happens when I have to look him in the eye (with the not-so occasional detour towards the floor), put myself out there and wait for him to accept, reject, or ignore (ignoring being the greatest horror my active imagination can dream up).
It puts me in an otherwise avoided state of vulnerability.

Mental vulnerability is like laying spread out naked, tied to the bed helpless and blindfolded--only better because it's all happening in your mind (ooh, there's the seed of another post I think).
It leads to an almost automatic state of surrender.

But I do believe that there's a tricky balance between asking/begging and getting what I need/want without that step because he knows what that is.
It seems go one of two ways--surrender or feeling neglected. Begging for wants to be met is, well...It's hot.

Begging for needs to be met leads me down the ridiculous road of question that always ends in the erroneous conclusion of "he doesn't want me, I'm the property you see left on the side of the road for the birds!" I don't feel that submissive means always having to ask for needs to be met--I think it's part of a Dominant caring about their sub for them to help meet those needs.

And yes, I do have an occasional state of confusion distinguishing between needs and wants. Most of the times that I think he's making me beg for needs, it's actually a want. But sometimes it means taking a step back and evaluating things for me to make that distinction.
It's a balance thing. And we're still working on that one.

I think that I put all my sense making effort into the last post and have no brain cells left to translate my thoughts lol.

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

I Want My Husband to Dominate Me

 If you intend to get to the end of this post, I suggest generous quantities of coffee.

The second most common search term that finds me is variations of "How to get my husband to dominate me". And things along the lines of "How to make him more Dominant".
For some reason I find it somewhat ironic that most people stumble here with the keyword "submissive". Perhaps I see irony in it because I'm not a shining example...

This post should have probably been broken into two, but it's not. So long ramble it is.
One of the reasons I think that this is rather a tricky subject is that it doesn't always go well. The results we think we want aren't always what we need, and what we are trying to achieve does not always go as we had hoped it would.

Anyways, where was I?

Oh yes, how to get one's husband to be Dominant. I suppose the simple solution would be to talk to him. Crazy right? But I think it really is the best route.
Here's the thing though--I know that's a lot easier said than done. This blog started because I couldn't just sit down and talk to my husband about what I what I wanted or needed, about what was working and what wasn't, or even things as simple as my feelings about D/s.

Getting back to the point here...What can I say, I'm easily distracted.

I think that when we begin talking about "making" someone Dominant, or "making" them submissive, we are treading in murky water
My reasoning is that you cannot "make" anyone be something they are not. Sure, many of us have varying traits laying beneath the surface that can be drawn out and explored.
But if that trait is not in there somewhere to begin with, we are trying to change who that person inherently is.

There are some scary thoughts that arise when we start to consider that we want the person who married us to change their role. They could react indifferently, they could reject us for what we have come to realize we are, or they might accept it and make the thoughts in our mind a reality (the last having been my personal fear).

I think that the first and most important step is to try and arrive at an understanding of yourself--what you need, whether you see it as being a bedroom only activity or a part of daily life. Things like that.
And if you can't answer those questions, communicate that fact to him as clearly as possible.

In my mind, it comes down to couple of very basic truths if you are trying to get your husband to be more Dominant--he will not be able to give you what you are searching for if he doesn't know anything about it. And if he does he might not give it.

If you are brave (unlike me), the best route is simply to sit down and talk about it.  Really--best way to go.
If not, you can write it out. Which, while it does sound like bit cop out, has the advantage of giving you time to think and phrase things as clearly as possible.
Or in the wonderful age of the internet, you could pull up a website or blog, say you find it interesting, and take the conversation from there. Though do yourself a favor and start small--something fairly easy to assimilate with realistic thoughts and concepts. Not the page with five women suspended from the ceiling being beat with bullwhips, or a blog post with the woman unrealistically living naked in a cage. You want to be closer. Not have him selling the dog's bedroom.
I think that the biggest challenge in this approach is avoiding the pitfalls of comparison. You are trying to create an exchange of power within your own relationship--not model it after someone elses.


In order for there to be successful Domination, there must be submission. I think it is somewhat common to broach the subject, start getting what you asked for, and back-peddle as fast as possible by refusing to submit. Myself being case in point.
The thing is, that really doesn't work. If you want him to be Dominant, you are going to have to submit. And you aren't always going to like it.

Domination of a spouse goes against what many of us were taught is right and successful in a relationship. Sometimes it takes a huge relearning of ourselves and our other half. And that is why it is important to seriously evaluate your wants and needs first--is this a game you want to play in the bedroom, or is it the way you need to live your life? Either way is fine and can change over time. But clarity is good.

When the submissive is the person who brings D/s to the table, it's easy to be critical, to think he's "doing it wrong" because what we are getting does not live up to the image we have built in our minds (that's one of the drawbacks to all the lovely information one can find on the internet).
But ultimately, we are asking him to do things his way. And in order for him to become comfortable in that role, we have to accept the way he chooses to do what he does.

That's not to say that whatever he comes up with right off the bat has to be accepted as gospel. After all, it is a learning curve on both sides of the equation. It just means that getting what we ask for does not always come in the forms we thought it would.

Introducing the concept of power exchange into an established marriage is a challenge, because we are shaking the ground beneath the foundation of who we see ourselves to be and how we interact with each other.
Chances are that it won't be what we imagined--after all, functioning within reality can be far different than the fantasy we create in our minds. And it's important to be realistic.
But it is something that we grow into together. An evolutionary process within the realm of our relationship. So having it all at once is not as important as we sometimes feel it to be--it's better to take one's time and build upon what we have without shattering our foundation completely than it is to jump in without thought and destroy that which we have already built.

I think that it is important to acknowledge that there are men who will never be Dominant no matter how hard they try because it's just not part of who they are. 
In the end, we will never be able to make someone become something they are not.

We can however, place what we have become on the table and see where it leads. Because we will most likely never get what we need if we cannot find some way of communicating what that need is.

So there's my twenty cents on that subject. Not to be interpreted as sage advice or anything related to such lol.
And to those who haven't been searching for this particular soap box of mine--I think you earned more coffee.
I have gotten some search hits for "making someone submissive", too...I could ramble about that one...Or would that just require more caffeine than the world has to offer?

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Lovely Breaks the Rules

Several bloggers were kind enough to mention me and a Lovely Blog award in the same sentence. So thank you to Fondlers Anonymous, Bratty Adaline, and aisha, for thinking of me. [Edited to add the lovely monkey from The Monkeys Journey, and Sss of Dark Pretty Fun. Thank you ladies!]
The rules as I understand them are to thank the lovelies that mentioned you, name 15 other lovely blogs, and list seven previously unknown things about yourself.

So I'm going to go about this all wrong--I won't be listing 15 blogs. If I drop by and leave semi-regular, semi-sensical (should be a word), comments on your blog--I like it.
I just did 100 things about me and I'll be in recovery for ages I suspect. So what you will get instead is seven things about Alpha. It's a fair trade right?

1. He takes charge when people don't know what to do and gets irritated when they complain about it after he has already taken care of everything.
2. He is 6'3 and at 5'6 I'm almost too tall for his taste (ha, you got two for one).
3. He keeps his word at all costs and can be loyal to a fault. This leads to upheavals of the grandest kind on the occasions when other people prove themselves to be the opposite.
4. He has a terrible soft spot for anything that resembles a wolf.
5. He started his own business at 21 and had our house payed off before he turned 26.
6. He can procrastinate until I'm blue in the face but throws himself into whatever he's doing with overwhelming focus.
7. His eyebrows wander when he sees a beautiful woman.
Bonus--he is going to raise his eyebrows at me when he reads this. And probably not in the wandering way lol.

Sunday, July 8, 2012

That Feeling of Being, Known as Surrender

Surrender...Not obedience, not service, not compliance...
I think that, idealy, submission leads to surrender and the two become one deeply entwined experience.

It is quite possible to submit without surrendering. But I think that keeps us in the shallow end of possibility.

Surrender is yielding oneself to the power and control of another. It is the ultimate form of letting go.

I think of submissive as a state of mind and/or a way of being. Whereas submitting is an action. Surrendering takes the two and makes them one--it becomes an action that occurs in a certain state of being.

Submission without surrender is easy. It is a place where one can still hold back parts of themselves. It's a physical state that one can enter and leave at will--one's own will.
Submission is allowing the bending of one's own will by another. It is a choice we make. Surrender is that moment where his will becomes mine.

When submission meets surrender personal will yields itself to the will of another. It is no longer a state of mind or an action we take. We enter a state of being beyond the shallow depths of possibility and float in the deep end knowing and trusting that someone else is our life jacket.

Submitting is about trusting the person you submit to. Surrender is taking that trust just a little bit further than we thought possible.
And it's kind of difficult to sit there struggling with surrender, wondering why it comes so hard when you trust someone completely--then you realize that trust isn't implicit. That there is still a touch of doubt here, some reserve there.

I think that is why it is easier to submit to physical events than it is to things like life choices--stuff that challenges how we see ourselves and our place in the world. Because one can submit without surrendering. And in some cases, that is probably the healthy route.

But there is something mind blowing about surrendering to the point where you reach for the bottom and realize you are so far out in the deep end that you can't even see it.

There's a reason that my blog header says, "Surrendering one step at a time". I clearly haven't got it down yet. But I'm working on it.

Saturday, July 7, 2012

56 to 100. Maybe...

Okay, so I guess I'm trying to make it to 100 here, and since I stopped at 55, I am more than halfway there already.

56. An amendment to #45 (two for one!). I don't have any female friends that I can go out to coffee with.

57. I can be really insecure when it comes to my husband (it's okay, you can pretend you didn't already know that one).

58. My favorite flavor of ice cream is............Coffee! I'm full of surprises right.

59. I question everything. Another newsflash!

60. I ignore ghosts so they leave me alone. If you don't believe in them more power to you--chances are they won't bother you at all lol.

61. I find empathy to be a rather painful experience but encourage it in my children--people who lack it tend not to care much about other people.

62. I'm happy with my new haircut even though she didn't quite do what I wanted.

63. My brain-to-mouth filter consistently malfunctions.

64. I have dark hair.

65. I never forgave my grandfather for how he treated my dad. Generations to come pay for that crap you know.

66. I have the dubious talent of being able to accidentally close my head in things like cabinets and doors. It seems to provide an endless amount of entertainment for those lacking in such skills.

67. I would rather be told an unhappy truth than an enjoyable lie.

68. I try really hard not to lose my temper because when I do it runs away with my better judgement.

69. I change my blog to suit my moods because I can't dye my hair or rearrange the furniture. He can be so unreasonable!

70. I believe in karma and occasionally wonder where the hell I went wrong.

71. I think this list is getting way to long.

72. I'm the worst tooth fairy in the world--leading to my eldest son's promise to be his brother's tooth fairy (really, I screwed it up with the first tooth. The first tooth!)

73. It doesn't take much for me to start feeling neglected.

74. I have never sent a text.

75. I would never wear shoes if I didn't have to.

76. I like figuring out how to replicate my favorite restaurant meals.

77. I have met women who could repopulate the earth in the time it took me to get out two kids.

78. I think that it is possible, albeit somewhat unpleasant, to love someone and no longer care about them (thing1 being exhibit A).

79. I love being in water but am terrified of it--I swim like a rock. But I can float!

80. I'm never dramatic. This list is killing me!

81. my dream house has it's own library.

82. I went to school for nursing but several experiences with our healthcare system made me decide that I couldn't function in it.

83. I like sucking cock but hate admitting it to him.

84. I'm losing track of what I have already said on this list.

85. I have a love/hate relationship with sex. 

86. I'm not happy with the fact that Alpha won't help me finish this damn list.

87. Ooh, he helped me--I like to be told what I want to do.

88. Dirty talk used to make me feel like I needed to go scrub my skin off. Now it turns me on but I still have a really hard time returning the favor.

89. I have had sex with four people in my life. One was a woman and one wasn't voluntary but I'm pretty sure they still count lol.

90. I think sexy is a state of mind.

91. I haven't slept through the night for more than a few nights in a row for nine years. I made the mistake of telling my mom the little one was sleeping through the night so he decided to prove me wrong.

92. Rain makes me happy.

93. I'm a bit of a control freak.

94. I write my best poetry when I'm miserable or blissful.

95. I am most angry when my feelings are hurt.

96. I think that I come across as flirtatious even when I'm not trying to be.

97. I'm pretty sure that the sky would fall if Alpha told me we were no longer going to have a power exchange relationship.

98. Electronics used to spontaneously die when I touched them.

99. Nothing makes me melt quite like being told how much he loves me and how special I am while he hurts me and proves that I'm a whore at heart.

100. It took me a week to finish this friggin list.

Thursday, July 5, 2012

When Feeling Small Makes Me...Bigger

I grasped a deeper understanding of a certain feeling last night. I was craving the sensation that comes when Alpha is curled around me. That place resting somewhere in between when his hand comes to rest around my throat and everything that I am is consumed in us.

That is where I feel tiny and closed away from the world under a blanket of untouchable security...Yet somehow larger than life.

It took me a long time to realize the security that comes in surrender.

I think it's one of those expansion things. And I'm tired so this might not make much sense....

But when you are inside your walls, everything is contained in that space. Sure the barricades are impressive and practically impenetrable,  but that which is most solid has the most dangerous consequences when it falls.

Without the walls, there is simply the security of surroundings. Without self imposed bindings, there is a freedom to simply be.
But it's not the scary "damn worlds so big and I'm so tiny," kind of freedom.

It's the kind of freedom where you feel like your being has disintegrated and is floating apart, but it's okay because you are safely contained in something outside yourself.

It's that place where one is smaller, but has actually expanded.

Because surrender of self leads to freedom of being.

Sunday, July 1, 2012

100 Things Minus Some

So I have seen a few of these "100 things about me" posts lately, and since I am all empty on inspiration of my own, I figured I would borrow the idea (can you actually borrow ideas?).
I find reading them interesting because you find out things you would never have known otherwise.
Though I can't guarantee that this will be in the least bit interesting lol.

1. I'm great at starting projects. Not so great at finishing them--that's why this list will probably never make it to 100.

2. I have green eyes.

3. I have a fifth grade education but maintained a 4.0 in college.

4. I wouldn't last a day on my own in New York City, but leave me on my lonesome in the mountains and I'm good.

5. I am that interfering woman who will run across the street to grab someone elses kid before they stick their finger in an electrical outlet while completely failing to notice the parent glaring at me.

6. I grew up without electricity and running water.

7. The last time I walked into a mall with my purse I set off every metal detector I went through.

8. I have ordered myself exactly one alcoholic beverage in my life.

9. People scare me. Animals don't.

10. I read The Mists of Avalon when I was 8, and Conversations With God when I was 10.

11. I'm still afraid of the dark.

12. I have never lived alone. Possibly contributing to number 11?

13. I temporarily misplaced my mother at a concert with 100,000 people. The kids yelled at me that I lost grandma. I say it doesn't count because I did find her lol.

14. This list might not even make it to 20.

15. I once threatened to beat the crap out of my neighbor with a large tree branch (he was the one holding it, and he said it first!)

16. I think snakes are cool.

17. I never thought anyone would read this blog.

18. I always wanted to live far away from where I grew up. Every morning I wake up and see the mountain I grew up on. I made it almost exactly three miles away from my childhood home lol.

19. I think this list might have been a bad idea--I'm boring myself.

20. I got heatstroke when I was 12 and to this day getting too hot makes me sick.

21. I have had chronic headaches for a year.

22. People think I'm scary but that's just because my husband tries to make me sound mean.

23. I may be the least forgiving person I know.

24. I watched my father die.

25. I gave birth to my kids without drugs. It's an overrated concept.

26. The one really creepy dude in every crowd will inevitably approach me.

27. My dermatologist told me I was the whitest person he had ever seen form such prolific keloid scars.

28. I tend to cry when I'm angry.

29. I don't know how to deal with girl children or their mothers.

30. I have been told that I make awesome green chili stew.

31. My obsession with knives didn't start with D/s--I was the only eight year old I know who's hobby was throwing knives.

32. I quit walking on the gym treadmills when I was pregnant with our second son because an old lady on oxygen put me to shame.

33. I used to be very good with a bow and arrow.

34. There has never been a point in my life when I didn't have a dog.

35. I worry about everything.

36. I can drive one lane mountain roads in two feet of snow all day long but have panic attacks if I have to drive in the city.

37. This list just might make it to 50.

38. I don't consider myself to be dramatic, but I have no qualms about claiming that I would die if I had to live without coffee.

39. I used to have nightmares about being burnt alive in churches (make whatever you want of that one lol).

40. I think that everyone has the right to believe in whatever God[s] they want--I just don't want that belief shoved down my throat.

41. I think that all stuck up women should be left alone in the woods over night.

42. I don't enjoy sex without D/s.

43. I don't find men without an air of Dominance in the least bit attractive no matter how gorgeous they are.

44. I know what career I really want but am to chicken to go for it.

45. I have no female friends (possibly related to numbers 23 and 41).

46. My libido sucks.

47. I tutored college algebra while taking the class.

48. I count on my fingers but make sure my kids don't see it.

49. I tend to be self conscious. 

50. I hate it when women I don't know walk up to me and say they hate me because I don't look like I have two kids.

51. I will never own a Kindle because I believe books are precious. Plus they just smell good and there's nothing quite like staring at a shelf full of them.

52. I have really wide feet and none of the cool shoes fit me.

53. Jealousy is my least favorite emotion to experience.

54. I think that anyone who made it this far deserves to go read something interesting.

55. Maybe one of these days I'll do 56-100.