I think a lot too. And one of the things I have learned about doing so, is that it does not always provide me with the best answers.
I didn't realize that you so genuinely believed that I would just leave you like that. I had no idea that you felt us to be so closely intertwined with the building. But that's not what this post is about, and it is certainly not what or who this post is for.
It's for you. The two of you, both of you, one of you, either of you, me, the darkness that dances in our souls, the demons which make us whole, the magic and connection which turns everything inside out and upside down.
I will inevitably switch between the two of you, but you will see me as you invariably do and know that my words were meant for you.
You said things to me about darkness. About my darkness, about your darkness, about consuming my darkness.
And I realized something...This gift you have given me, to accept my darkness, to swallow my sins, to shelter my raging storm...News to me, as usual, that which is right in front of my eyes. What an amazing blessing it is to be able to hand someone my darkness that I may shine.
And it's crazy you know, that I can take her box of darkness for safekeeping, but not yours. Part of me feels a deep sadness that I cannot keep that for you, and some guilt that you have chosen to be the keeper of my demons and I want so desperately to cradle hers...
I get it now though, how precious and beautiful and painful to be the keeper of someone's darkness. Because I want hers.
I didn't want to be alone tonight. But it's okay. Because the pull has been so fucking strong. I feel you. Constantly. Both of you. And he feels you through me because that is what we are. It is sensory overload, a crowded yet lonely road, fucking ecstasy and fear.
I wish you could see you like I see you. Both of you. For you know not what you are, either of you. You are incapable of beholding your own beauty, which is, in an of itself, a beautiful thing.
Do you think that I or we cannot handle your crazy, your family, your own personal shit-show? You would be wrong. Do you think that I do not know when I need to be with my children, and when other shit comes first? I have made many sacrifices for them and will, no doubt, make many more. I am capable of knowing when and how I need to make those choices.
The truth is, I'm fucking terrified. And I try to sooth your demons, both of you, but I'm just me. And I need you to see each other with the same insight that you see me.
I am sorry that you are both my place, my saving fucking grace. I know that I'm a damn hurricane. And so are you. One a storm like mine, the other a shelter for all storms now and those which have come before.
Don't run from me. Run with me. Drown in the fucking sea. Take a chance in the fucking deep end for me. I'm worth it if I am as you say you see me.
Your understanding of me is limited by your perception of him. His perception of you is felt through me. It is not an easy place to be.
I think it scares you, this control which I have given to him, the control which gives him license to tell me which way to go. What you do not see is that his love of me becomes love of you. That he wouldn't ask of me to leave you if you give me that chance that was asked of you. That he wouldn't break your heart because it is intertwined with mine, that he contains my darkness so that I can hold yours.
I carried my boy to bed, thoughts of you both wandering through my head...
I am sorry my love, that after all these years I found an element like mine, one who turned me inside out and upside down, sorry that you feel through me all of those things she can barely see. You are more loyal than I deserve, more loyal than I have earned. You are a more beautiful human being than you give yourself credit for. I'll never forget that, never desert it, never dishonor it.
I am sorry my love that life is a shit-show. He is that which I have needed him to become, and you are that which I have come to need. If I am to you as you profess me to be, than I am worth a chance, worth that long slow dance. Many lifetimes before, come and gone, some perhaps together, other perhaps tragedy written in the stars, tragedy which makes for just one of many scars. But not this one. Oh my lovely, please not this one. Come see what it is to be warm. Make magic with me and trace lines through the stars. Show me all of your old and new scars. Take this fucking chance and be mine in this life and time.
Without you is not a good reality for me. Help me rise above El Mundo Malo, and exist in El Mundo Bueno. Help me exist where I was meant to be. And I'll do the same for you.
Showing posts with label El Mundo Bueno and El Mundo Malo. Show all posts
Showing posts with label El Mundo Bueno and El Mundo Malo. Show all posts
Friday, June 10, 2016
Wednesday, February 6, 2013
Energy, Realities, and Associated Ramblings
A comment that Michael left on my last post got me to thinking. I'm pretty sure that I have wandered quite far from the original intent of the comment, but inspiration can be funny like that.
I have said before that energy is everything, and everything is ultimately about energy. As much as my views seem to change and collide over time, I still believe this one to be true.
I think that, for the most part, we all tend to walk on a fine line between El Mundo Bueno and El Mundo Malo (The Good Reality and The Bad Reality). That fine line avoids extremes of good and bad events, and provides life with a sense of balance.
Sometimes we fall into a Good Reality, where the extremes are good. Pain is good, pleasure is good, tears are a release--not a torment. Outcomes are as we wish them to be.
Other times, we fall into a Bad Reality, and the extremes are bad. Anything that can go wrong will, pain is bad, pleasure is warped, tears are no more than an expression of misery.
And we adapt to viewing events with the notion that they will inevitably become as terrible as they possibly can.
I believe that the difference between these realities is about the energy in them.
For me, S/m isn't really about pain, sex isn't just about pleasure, and D/s isn't all about physical control.
These things are about energy exchanges and the realities that we create within those exchanges.
I have been injured, I have been raped, I have lacked control in situations wherein I desperately needed to have control. Those were not good experiences.
But Alpha can hurt me, he can force me, he can take away all semblances of my control.
And those are some of the most amazing experiences of my life.
The simplest difference of those very complex subjects? The first set of events is a Bad Reality. The second set of events is a Good Reality.
Disassociation is about an extreme place on the fine line between realities. It's a place of non-feeling, non-energy...Nothingness of mind.
It is not a place that I am fond of, but it is one that I used to be very good at getting to. Sometimes I still fight not to go there--old habits are hard to break. And sometimes it is only Alpha's extreme dislike of that place which keeps me out of it.
The more time you spend together, and the more you explore, the stronger resonances with each other become.
A look creates a physical reaction, a sound creates a feeling, an expressed thought creates a mental state.
As different as they can be, all of those experiences have one thing in common--energy.
As much as I want him to fuck my body, I need him to fuck my mind. I need the connection that energy exchange provides.
Energy makes the mindfuck possible (we'll ignore for the moment, that people often seem to find me by searching for the term "Mindfuck" and usually what I meant was not at all what they were looking for).
Really, it's all about a looping exchange of energy--power exchange is energy exchange, the give and take of pain is energy exchange, surrender and control are about energy exchange.
It's about the beasts within, which ones we choose to feed, and how we choose to sate their hunger.
And we try to do it all in a way that will allow us to spend more time in El Mundo Bueno.
I have said before that energy is everything, and everything is ultimately about energy. As much as my views seem to change and collide over time, I still believe this one to be true.
I think that, for the most part, we all tend to walk on a fine line between El Mundo Bueno and El Mundo Malo (The Good Reality and The Bad Reality). That fine line avoids extremes of good and bad events, and provides life with a sense of balance.
Sometimes we fall into a Good Reality, where the extremes are good. Pain is good, pleasure is good, tears are a release--not a torment. Outcomes are as we wish them to be.
Other times, we fall into a Bad Reality, and the extremes are bad. Anything that can go wrong will, pain is bad, pleasure is warped, tears are no more than an expression of misery.
And we adapt to viewing events with the notion that they will inevitably become as terrible as they possibly can.
I believe that the difference between these realities is about the energy in them.
For me, S/m isn't really about pain, sex isn't just about pleasure, and D/s isn't all about physical control.
These things are about energy exchanges and the realities that we create within those exchanges.
I have been injured, I have been raped, I have lacked control in situations wherein I desperately needed to have control. Those were not good experiences.
But Alpha can hurt me, he can force me, he can take away all semblances of my control.
And those are some of the most amazing experiences of my life.
The simplest difference of those very complex subjects? The first set of events is a Bad Reality. The second set of events is a Good Reality.
Disassociation is about an extreme place on the fine line between realities. It's a place of non-feeling, non-energy...Nothingness of mind.
It is not a place that I am fond of, but it is one that I used to be very good at getting to. Sometimes I still fight not to go there--old habits are hard to break. And sometimes it is only Alpha's extreme dislike of that place which keeps me out of it.
The more time you spend together, and the more you explore, the stronger resonances with each other become.
A look creates a physical reaction, a sound creates a feeling, an expressed thought creates a mental state.
As different as they can be, all of those experiences have one thing in common--energy.
As much as I want him to fuck my body, I need him to fuck my mind. I need the connection that energy exchange provides.
Energy makes the mindfuck possible (we'll ignore for the moment, that people often seem to find me by searching for the term "Mindfuck" and usually what I meant was not at all what they were looking for).
Really, it's all about a looping exchange of energy--power exchange is energy exchange, the give and take of pain is energy exchange, surrender and control are about energy exchange.
It's about the beasts within, which ones we choose to feed, and how we choose to sate their hunger.
And we try to do it all in a way that will allow us to spend more time in El Mundo Bueno.
Saturday, August 25, 2012
Lines in the Sand, and How We Live El Mundo Bueno or El Mundo Malo
An email I received in response to my Me. Him. Her? post made me start thinking about why I am willing to do some of the things that I am willing to do even though I don't necessarily want to. Still with me?
Alpha having sex with another woman is not a hard limit for me. There are not a whole lot of things that either of us define as being limits we will not, under any circumstances, cross. But there are definitely lots of things I don't want to do.
The stuff he will not do is what defines my limits. Even if some of them are not things I would refuse to participate in, they become things that I will not do.
Because he says so.
Everyone has limits that they believe they will never cross. Some are like lines drawn in the sand--slowly over time they are eroded and washed away. Others are like mountains and outlast entire lifetimes. Which is very much as it should be.
And wow isn't there lots of options to up the ante when it comes to ttwd. I happen to think that we are pretty tame in the grand scheme of possibility lol.
Since our gates are individual structures, what is a major scaling of the walls for one person, does not necessarily have the same impact on another.
The thing is, I believe that every physical activity is, in one way or another, just a way of opening some kind of gate in the mind.
Pain is a path to a certain state of mind, pleasure is another path, humiliation yet another branch on the road, control a path of it's own often entwined with the others. They all lead to one of two places.
Grab some coffee and a snack because I'm going to take one of my side trips to check out the butterflies.
There is a concept phrased in Spanish as, “El mundo bueno” and “El mundo malo”, which translate into "The good world" and "The bad world". It is wonderfully described in a book called, The Fifth Sacred Thing. My father used to describe them as the left and right handed paths. Though I have since learned that there are many different interpretations of those particular terms.
In El mundo bueno, pain brings a release and expansion of self. Walls fall and we become more than we were. Humiliation brings us closer and puts us in a state of being that we find fulfilling. Giving and taking of control becomes a beautiful and fulfilling dance that allows us to be who we really are. Ttwd washes us clean and soothes the scars we carry inside.
Death is the ending of one cycle and the beginning of another. The pains of birth are an opportunity to have the privilege of viewing another reality and returning home. A sprained ankle is an opportunity for rest, and a rainy day is replenishment for the earth.
When we fall into El mundo malo, pain eats at our soul. Humiliation breaks our spirit, our walls of protection disintegrate. Control does not allow us to experience who we are meant to be. Ttwd is abusive, leaving us unclean and damaged.
Death is the ultimate loss and heart-wrenching sorrow of the end. Birth is one step into death and we cannot return to our own reality. A sprained ankle is a break, a loss of work and sustenance for our families. The rain becomes hail and kills our carefully tended crops.
There is a very fine line btween El mundo bueno and El mundo malo. With ttwd, sometimes it's easy to fall into the bad reality because it can bring us so much closer to the good world.
Sometimes our lines in the sand are simply barriers to El mundo bueno. And sometimes we move those lines and discover that El mundo malo waits on the other side.
So while we can walk seemingly similar paths in the same direction, what leads to a good reality for one of us, may end in a bad reality for another. And that is why we try to be careful when we open new doors, tear down walls, explore new paths, and move our little lines in the sand.
I am willing to do the things that I am willing to do because Alpha helps me stay in El mundo bueno. He carefully looks over my walls and lines in the sand to see which reality waits on the other side. And he stays away from the paths that he thinks will take us into El mundo malo.
Alpha having sex with another woman is not a hard limit for me. There are not a whole lot of things that either of us define as being limits we will not, under any circumstances, cross. But there are definitely lots of things I don't want to do.
The stuff he will not do is what defines my limits. Even if some of them are not things I would refuse to participate in, they become things that I will not do.
Because he says so.
Everyone has limits that they believe they will never cross. Some are like lines drawn in the sand--slowly over time they are eroded and washed away. Others are like mountains and outlast entire lifetimes. Which is very much as it should be.
And wow isn't there lots of options to up the ante when it comes to ttwd. I happen to think that we are pretty tame in the grand scheme of possibility lol.
Since our gates are individual structures, what is a major scaling of the walls for one person, does not necessarily have the same impact on another.
The thing is, I believe that every physical activity is, in one way or another, just a way of opening some kind of gate in the mind.
Pain is a path to a certain state of mind, pleasure is another path, humiliation yet another branch on the road, control a path of it's own often entwined with the others. They all lead to one of two places.
Grab some coffee and a snack because I'm going to take one of my side trips to check out the butterflies.
There is a concept phrased in Spanish as, “El mundo bueno” and “El mundo malo”, which translate into "The good world" and "The bad world". It is wonderfully described in a book called, The Fifth Sacred Thing. My father used to describe them as the left and right handed paths. Though I have since learned that there are many different interpretations of those particular terms.
In El mundo bueno, pain brings a release and expansion of self. Walls fall and we become more than we were. Humiliation brings us closer and puts us in a state of being that we find fulfilling. Giving and taking of control becomes a beautiful and fulfilling dance that allows us to be who we really are. Ttwd washes us clean and soothes the scars we carry inside.
Death is the ending of one cycle and the beginning of another. The pains of birth are an opportunity to have the privilege of viewing another reality and returning home. A sprained ankle is an opportunity for rest, and a rainy day is replenishment for the earth.
When we fall into El mundo malo, pain eats at our soul. Humiliation breaks our spirit, our walls of protection disintegrate. Control does not allow us to experience who we are meant to be. Ttwd is abusive, leaving us unclean and damaged.
Death is the ultimate loss and heart-wrenching sorrow of the end. Birth is one step into death and we cannot return to our own reality. A sprained ankle is a break, a loss of work and sustenance for our families. The rain becomes hail and kills our carefully tended crops.
There is a very fine line btween El mundo bueno and El mundo malo. With ttwd, sometimes it's easy to fall into the bad reality because it can bring us so much closer to the good world.
Sometimes our lines in the sand are simply barriers to El mundo bueno. And sometimes we move those lines and discover that El mundo malo waits on the other side.
So while we can walk seemingly similar paths in the same direction, what leads to a good reality for one of us, may end in a bad reality for another. And that is why we try to be careful when we open new doors, tear down walls, explore new paths, and move our little lines in the sand.
I am willing to do the things that I am willing to do because Alpha helps me stay in El mundo bueno. He carefully looks over my walls and lines in the sand to see which reality waits on the other side. And he stays away from the paths that he thinks will take us into El mundo malo.
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