Friday, November 30, 2012


My day was nuts.

I did 7 hours worth of work in 4 (it hurts).

I had 2 traffic incidents that would have made me go seriously postal if I was more prone to mental breaks (seriously, it's a major peeve of mine when people drive like stupid maniacs with death wishes, then proceed to yell at me simply because I happen to be using the road too).

A rather intoxicated blood covered man followed me around the gas station trying to give me money (Your guess is as good as mine there. I don't look my best when I get off work, but it's impossible to look like a homeless hooker while wearing a hoody with 2 children and a checkbook in hand thank you very much!).

And yea...It took me 10 minutes to get a fire going when I got home--I swear that cardboard is fire resistant.

I wish I could find the riding crop!
On the bright side, kiddo hadn't found it when I caught him digging around in my room looking for Christmas presents...
That bedtime I have been begging for is sounding more and more attractive by the moment...

Thursday, November 29, 2012

Recipe Exchange Reminder

I know that I mentioned this a while back, but it was kind of tacked onto the bottom of another post, and I feel like it deserves a post of it's own.

So, I just wanted to post a little reminder that it's nearly time for The Great Online Cookie Exchange Extravaganza , once again organized by the lovely Jz.

To participate, post a recipe on your blog on December sixth. It doesn't have to be cookies--any kind of goody is great (I'm no good with cookies myself). If you want to be on the official list of participants, just make sure that you contact Jz by December fourth with your name and blog URL.

Alpha grumbled a bit about giving away closely guarded family secrets when I told him which recipe I was going to share, but as long as none of you make it and bring it to our neighborhood, I think we're good lol.

It's lots of fun, and the more the merrier!

Wednesday, November 28, 2012


I have been thinking about the term lately, and I'm not sure exactly why it's such a turn-on.
There are so many wonderful variations of use:

Good girl--be still oh my wobbling knees.
Bad girl--not quite as much of a fan of that one.
Girl--great by itself.
My girl--any form of address with "My" or "Mine" is delicious.
Little girl--okay, Alpha has been using this term occasionally, and I'm not sure exactly how I feel about it. I think he knows that, and he'll continue to throw it out there until I get over it.
Silly girl--yes, I do hear that one a lot...Can't argue with it...
Dammit girl--oh, I'm in trouble here. That shouldn't be hot...But it still kinda is.

So why is "Girl" in all its variations such a turn on?
It sounds a bit condescending...
And I'm a bit old for it to apply literally...
Maybe it's because it is a rather diminutive  term...

Oh I dunno...But I do know that I like it when he calls me "Girl." And sometimes, just that knowing really is enough.

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Darkness is Not Necessarily the Absence of Light

As usual, I make no claims that this will make an inkling of sense to anyone else...My drafts folder has gotten out of hand again, and it feel a bit like having a cluttered house. So here's cleaning out the corners...

Overall, people (myself included) tend to view BDSM as the darker side of sex, desire, love, power...But there are different forms of darkness.

When I was seven, I had a dream of waking to a dark figure touching me and leaning over me asking me to go with him.. I told him no, that I was not for him. He repeated his request, and I gave the same reply and told him to go away. When I awoke for real, everything was as it had been in the dream, except that he was gone.

What struck me most about the dream (besides thinking that I was awake when I wasn't), was that the figure wasn't just dark--he was a complete absence of light. It is difficult to describe, and to this day I have never seen anything quite like it.
Laying in the garden contemplating the stars, is when I formed the theory that darkness is not the absence of light. But perhaps evil is.

I do love the darker pleasures--pain, control, humiliation, fear, giving myself to his sadistic desires...
But in those dark pleasure, there is not an absence of light.
There is a purity and sense of absolution that comes with giving in to my darkest desires at his behest and honoring his wishes, whatever they may be.

Oh yes--give me the darker pleasures that we whisper silently to lovers in the night, the ones we keep to ourselves because we are not always aware that we need not fear the darkness, the ones that wash away all that we think ourselves to be...

Because in the darkness there is purification and absolution, there is truth without the constraints of belief, and there is an unrivaled fire that warms me to the depths of my soul.

Because darkness is not necessarily the absence of light.

Monday, November 26, 2012

Family and the Choices We Make

Warning: possibly whiny and completely humorless bitching ahead.

We might not be able to choose our families, but we can damn-well choose how we deal with them.

Thing1 called me the other day...I thought she was thing2, so I picked up the phone with a pleasant "What are you up to?" Yea...It was the typical "Lets pretend everything is peachy!"
Sigh (for new readers curiosity, and those who enjoy a good train-wreck, the whole story can probably be found under the labels "family" and "rants").

I told her that I had nothing to say to her, and asked her what she wanted...She cried and hung up with avid protestations of love.
I sound unreasonably cruel right, like I'm not giving her a chance to prove she has changed?

Here's the thing--nearly 15 years of experience has taught me not to believe a word that comes out of her mouth, and I simply do not care anymore.

I love her. And yes, I always will. But love is not to be confused with caring. And a relationship cannot sustain itself on only one of the two.

Many times I chose to believe her.
I chose to drag her out of the depths of shit she got herself into time and time again; I chose to take her home when everything in her life was broken; I chose to take her kid away in the hopes that babygirl wouldn't die in some crack house; I chose to send babygirl to thing2; I chose to sit in the emergency room time and time again while thing1 went through withdrawals; I chose to spend every last dime we had to get her into the 2 year rehab she stayed in for 3 weeks; I chose to kick her out of my life and say I was done.
And yes, I did not make these choices on my own--Alpha and I made them together.

Contrary to popular belief, love does not conquer all evils.

At the core of it isn't the heroin, it isn't the meth, it isn't the abusive relationships...It's a culmination of years worth of shit, and the part of herself that always and forever refused to give the one and only thing she was asked for--truth.

And thing2 hasn't called me since I refused to speak to thing1. It makes me sad.
We have had an extremely superficial relationship since she shipped thing1 out of rehab and didn't bother to tell us for weeks. After the months of shit we went through to take babygirl and get thing1 to where she was...And we never actually talked about it.
Thing2 is great at pretending everything is okay. Me? Not so much. But her kiddo was due for heart surgery, and there are things worth putting aside differences for. So I just let it slide.
In retrospect, that was probably not the best approach.
So if she resumes calling, we will talk about it. Chances are, we will agree to disagree, and the superficial relationship we have tenuously built will fall into the ashes once again.

We all make choices. We try to make choices we can live with at the end of the day, and I wouldn't go back on the choices I have made.

Alpha teasingly told me the other day, "You would be happier if you just lowered your standards!" And while that is probably quite true, it's not going to happen--my standards are part of what makes me like who I am. So they will stay as they are.
But it is lonely sometimes.

Sunday, November 25, 2012

That Which Dwells Inside

 I have been thinking again...

I do believe that compartmentalizing parts of oneself can go a long way to avoiding immediate and extreme mental trauma. The problem is, it's not healthy to keep parts of your self locked up for ages on end--it has to come out sometime.
Every part is essential to the whole, and ideally we integrate all that we are into a healthy and complete form. Sounds great...

But the longer you keep part of yourself separate from the rest of you, the harder it is to reintegrate.

This pretty little critter ties in with something about myself that I have been thinking on quite a bit lately. It might not all tie together smoothly, or in a way that makes sense to anyone else. So for that I apologize in advance and say: At least you get a cup (or two), of coffee out of it right?

An often timid lover, I am generally shy and reserved, with a low sex drive...

I consider myself to be a rather desire/sexually repressed person. All of it self-imposed. My theories regarding the reasons for that are probably floating around here somewhere already.

The thing is, I see that part of me as very much like the creature in this picture--a beast that is not easily controlled, often misjudged, and very very dangerous.
Unlike the picture, it is not simplistic. Or perhaps it is. Perhaps it is the most simplistic and basic thing of all.

As animalistic as it is, the creature is also very much like a raging fire.

A very long time ago, I took that fire and tucked it away. Ever since it peeked out, I have known that I couldn't control that part of me. So I attempted to extinguish it's spark as best I could. But there it still sits, very much like this

And there it burns. Too hot to touch, too strong to extinguish, too dangerous to release, too terrifying to acknowledge.
Trust in Master to control it you say? A logical and valid solution, I'll admit.
But there is no logic here, and many things are easier spoken than experienced. His ability to control the fire is not in question...After all, the yearning to escape my own confines is merely in order to enter those of his making.

The creature of my darkest desires, my wanton abandon, the whore I hoard inside...she is beautiful. Deadly and dangerous, she stalks my mind. For now I am prey. But if she should come out to play, I become predator.

For that part of me, there is only dark desires. A willingness to do anything in order to feed the needs of that hungry beast. She is insatiable and wanton, with no care for those who stand in her way. The ultimate whore in predator form.

Yes, Alpha would match her every step of the way. Because inside, he is all of that beast and then some.
I think that he keeps it contained to a certain extent, in consideration of me.
Yet I wonder...
Would it be possible for him to truly love the beast? If she could not be controlled, she would be contained, forcefully chained back into her cage. He has said as much.

Yet still I wonder. And watch the flames as they quietly flicker...

Thursday, November 22, 2012

The Second Half of Liebster

So ancilla had some questions that I thought were very good...A few of them just got the squirm/denial factor of my mind going full force, so I decided to put my answers to her in a post of its own. And I'll do 11 more facts about us.
Sorry that this ended up posting on Thanksgiving ancilla. Thank you for thinking of me!

1. "When did you realize you were 'kinky,' if ever?"
Six or seven years ago in a yahoo chat room when a Dominant approached me I guess. At that time it was more of a game than anything else. The realization hit home when Alpha caught me and decided that if I wanted to play, it would be with him and him alone. And it wouldn't be a game.

2. "What is your favorite fantasy?"
 Now who doesn't do easy questions? Sigh.
Begging to suck another man's cock while Alpha fucks me. And getting permission after sufficient begging and humiliation.

3. "What is the fantasy that you wish would get out of your head, but keeps coming back, if there is one?"
Oh for fucks sake! *Squirms down in her chair and tries to disappear.*
I guess it would have to be being caged and used against my will then rescued.
I have a valid hypothesis as to why that one won't go away...

4. "Where do you feel most at home?"
My first response would be the valley I grew up in where I still live. But it doesn't feel very much like home when Alpha is away, so I'm going with wherever he is.

5. "What do you most want from the person you are with, whether that is a partner/Dom/sub/slave/Master?"
Do I have to pick one thing? Foremost I would say control. Of course, there's love, loyalty, truth, and trust too...As Alpha would say, "I want it all baby."

6. "Why do you write a blog?"
I'm a (mostly) shameless addict, and I enjoy the interaction it allows me to have with others...
Sometimes to tell Alpha the things I can't bring my mouth to say, sometimes because getting the thoughts out of my head and quiet the noise, sometimes to make sense of things that I am trying to understand.
I suppose it depends on the day...

7. "What is your favorite TV show?"
Oh I dunno...Could I go for an unlikely pair and say The Middle and Walking Dead?

8. "Favorite desert?"
Anything with coffee or chocolate. Preferably both.

9. "Favorite time of day?"
Believe it or not, early morning just as the sun begins to light up the sky.

10. "Do you believe in God/ are you a spiritual person?"
I do consider myself to be a spiritual person. I don't know that it would be correct to say that I believe in "God" though. Religiously I have always identified as Pagan. I feel that, while she might not be gentle in the use of her own, the Mother has always done right by me.
Overall I would have to say that I believe all Gods/Goddesses are one and the same--we simply give them names and meanings that are easiest for us to comprehend and identify with.
It is the intent behind our prayers that matter. Not the name and face we choose to give that which we believe in.

11. "What is your favorite sexual position?"
This question shouldn't be complicated should it?
Ass up, face down, with his hand on my back. Given my physical limitations, on my back with him beside me is the surest way for me to enjoy myself though.

Now, in a moment of insanity, I did say that I would come up with 11 more random things about Alpha/us didn't I?

1. We always disagree about who finished the coffee--it's become a daily tradition. Only problem is...I never win.

2. He is positively gorgeous dressed in black (yes I'm biased, and yes it's still true).

3. At full height, Alpha is 9 inches taller than me.

4. Few things are sweeter than watching him hunkered down in a group of small children.

5. I'm asthmatic and Alpha pays very close attention when depriving me of air. Though he says that being choked makes me wet--like pushing some magic button. I'll neither deny or admit to that.

6. He tells me that I can do anything he says I can do. Oddly enough, I believe him.

7. He seems to believe that laundry baskets are for decorative purposes only. I have spent fourteen years trying to persuade him to see the error of his ways--to no avail.

8. He can start a fire without paper or a lighter in the time it takes me to walk to the bathroom.

9. There was an impressive display of lightning and thunder on our wedding day. Some said the Gods gave us their blessing, or maybe complained--but either way, they were watching.

10. Alpha always believes me when I say that the car made funny sounds when I was driving--even if they don't happen while he's in it.

11. He rarely does it, but Alpha is a very good cook. Though the obscene mess he usually leaves in the kitchen makes me cringe...

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Liebster Times Three...Okay, Maybe Two

The sweet sunnygirl, gracious Ward and June, and the darling ancilla_ksst were all kind enough to nominate me for the Liebster thingy.
So a big thank you to all of you for thinking of me!

I'm going to break it into two posts and answers ancilla's questions in the second one. Because some of hers made me squirm, and this was promising to be an excessively lengthy post even for me.

So here's the rules (some of which I am going to ignore completely of course),
Post 11 random facts about self and answer the questions asked by the person who nominated you.
Pass the award on to 11 other blogs and notify the bloggers you nominated.
Write out 11 new questions for the people you nominate.
You cannot give the award to the person(s) who nominated you.
Paste the award picture on your own blog.

I'm still worn out by the One Hundred Things About Me post 1 and post 2. So you will get 11 random things about Alpha/us in this post and 11 in the next post when I get to ancilla and some of her squirm inspiring questions.

I'm not going to nominate 11 blogs--I'm going to go a different route that I thought was fun because I got to play on someone elses blog (is elses really not a word? Blogger swears it isn't). I'll ask my readers questions instead in hopes that someone wants to play.

Okay, so 11 random facts about Alpha/us and possibly me, in this post, and 11 in the next one, is fair right?

1. The first topic of conversation when we get in bed is almost always how cold my ass is. Accompanied by an offer to warm it up of course.
2. When Alpha wraps his hand around my throat, his fingers almost touch.
3. He thinks that my occasional little rebellions are "cute" which takes all the wind out of my sails.
4. For as long as I have known him, Alpha has always had at least one wolf hybrid.
5. Alpha says that I have never seen him be mean. It's a subject of debate that I think I might have won--I have never seen him be cruel.
6. I prefer dogs to cats. What can I say, the male species has, overall, always been a bit easier for me to get along with. Sorry, couldn't resist...
7. My pain gets him off--only if it's getting me off.
8. Alpha is the only person who has ever given me an orgasm.
9. The meanest thing he does on a regular basis is refuse to let my icy toes get within eight inches of him when we go to bed.
10. Alpha has a thing for blonds but I'm brunette.
11. He has been known to work 24 hours straight at times. Leading to the occasional woman asking me if I thought his entire crew was cheating on their wives (my answer was no in case anyone was wondering).

So, the questions from sunnygirl are:
"Do you prefer coffee or tea?" Oh, coffee all the way.
"Are you Democrat, Republican, or Independent?" Democrat. Though I've become pretty disillusioned with all of them. Best of two evils and all that good crap.
"How do you eat an Oreo cookie?" Have to take them apart, eat the filling off one side, then save the side without filling for last.
"Do you prefer to drive or fly when traveling?" Definitely drive.
"When do you open your Christmas presents?" On Christmas day first thing in the morning--my mom used to make me wait until after breakfast (only day of the year she cooked breakfast), and it drove me nuts as a kid.
"What's your favorite time of the year?" Spring. It's awesome.
"Do you prefer to read actual books or use an E reader?" I will never own an E reader--stories are meant to have the tactile experience that comes with turning a page and smelling books.
"How do you prefer being spanked?" When I'm not in trouble.
"Were you urged to write a blog by PK?" No.
"What kind of car do you drive?" Subaru.

Questions from Ward and June:
"What is your favorite pizza topping?" Anything Alpha puts on it that one time a year he makes pizza from scratch.
"What is your favorite eye color?" I would say green...But I have developed a soft spot for those big dark brown eyes that can melt ice.
"Who is your favorite actor/actress?" Oh geez...I don't really have one.
"What is your favorite way to connect with your partner?" Anything that involves me not having any control.
"What is your favorite spanking memory?" Um...Cant pick one. My brain gets fuzzy.
"Who do you find inspirational?" That is dependent on the day or moment to moment.
"What is your favorite article of clothing?" Hands down, it has to be the hooded sweatshirt. Sexy right?
"If you could meet a famous person living or dead, who would it be?" Oh crud, I don't know--I don't pay much attention to famous people.
"If you could have any one wish, what would it be?" To know without a doubt that I would not outlive my husband or children.

In the spirit of rule breaking that won't get me in trouble, I'm going to ask my readers questions. Oh please won't you play? You can leave it here in the comments or run off to your own little corner with it.

1. What was your funniest spanking/Ds experience?
2.What do you think defines someone as "good" or "bad"?
3. If you could pick one thing to do before you die, what would it be? I'm not picky about logistics like gravity or finances here.
4. If you had to pick one thing that pisses you off more than anything else, what would it be? Just one, I know--it's unreasonable isn't it.
5. What always makes you smile no matter how bad things are?
6. If there was one thing that you could teach the world, what would it be?

I'll keep it down to six because I think that increases my chances of someone playing along lol.

Sunday, November 18, 2012

It Is What It Is Because I Am What I Am

With each strike, I saw my defiance reflected in your eyes. And with the pain, I felt that maniacal laughter that falls somewhere between yield and refusal.
As the blows crept across my thighs, falling anywhere within your reach, I saw your silent plea for acquiescence. That you felt it had been enough and were receiving no satisfaction from my pain.

Yet still I refused to obey. Wondering somewhere in my mind where the line is when cracks form.

I felt the tears from unbidden in my eyes. Distantly wondering why now, why now should pain cause tears? Realizing from outside myself that, while I have been disciplined to tears in the past, the tears were always born of your disappointment and my repentance.
 And in that moment, there was nothing. No thoughts, no echoing of my own unspoken words echoing in my mind. Just...Silence.

Perhaps things would have gone differently had I accepted the silent invitation to sit at your feet. Instead I had ignored the flicker of your eyes, and sat screaming inside my mind for want of blind need.

You gained my acquiescence. The pain faded, yet the tears continued to fall. Knowing inside, that it is what it is because I am what I am.
Or perhaps, I am what I am because it is what it is.

You asked me to speak my mind, and I wondered how it is possible to scream words silently over and over in my mind...And have no words roll off my tongue.

When I had completed the task you had set me and you grabbed me by the hair, shoving your cock down my throat, I reveled in the feeling of your hand entwined in my hair, forcing me into that which I longed to do.

I know you realized the extent of your control over me long before I did. I know it was where you planned to take us all along. But I wonder...Do you realize how badly I have grown to need that control?

In bed later, I resisted the melting of my bones as you buried yourself inside me, and wrapped your hands around my throat.
I cried. Saying that I had lost my place and didn't know where I belonged. You whispered sweetly that I belonged right here. With you.
You paused, commanding me to relax.
My body and mind melted under your touch as I surrendered to all that we are.

In the end, you asked me to once again speak my mind. And the words, the only words I had and knew, came pouring out, "I don't know how to be happy anymore if I can't feel your control. I need to be at your feet."

Drifting off to sleep with your fingers wound in my hair, I knew peace. Because you have allowed me to take my place at your feet.
And it is what it is because I am what I am.

Saturday, November 17, 2012

He Does Still Read Here...

Well then...Think he was sending me a message by leaving the blog up this morning? Apparently he does still read here...He was just waiting for me to post one of those rare whines where I sound completely dissatisfied with life and quite a little childish lol.

I think that kind of post does have it's place though.

I don't regret it because I think it's important not to just show the good times. I think that only writing about the best, gives beginners especially, a skewed view that is unfair. This is reality after all.
Also, I have literally nowhere else to vent.
To say that communication isn't my strong point would be giving myself extra credit on the issue. So it rarely goes well when I vent such things to him if we are a already a touch out of synch.

I do regret that it hurt his feelings a bit (I am reminded of a comment Kitty left recently saying that she didn't see her husband with a blog whining about her not submitting right). Such was not my intention. You know what they say about the road to hell and all...And yes, if I had really thought he was going to read it, I would have probably toned down the "Malcontent" a bit. That was a difficult word to comprehend when he said it at 7 AM as I was blearily reaching for the coffee...

At least I now recognize it for what it is though right? Cycles go up and down. It is the nature of life.
There was a time when I would have just thought the sky was falling.

I don't regret that last post...But I do regret that it hurt his feelings.
There are some drawbacks to having a public forum in which to spill any thought that comes to mind...

Friday, November 16, 2012

Just A Little Bitch With My Whine

I have never claimed not to be a whore for my husbands attention. I'm an attention whore for him, and always have been.
He's not a fan of the behavior that manifests itself during said bouts of whoring around.

I have gotten better about it (I think), I feel it coming on and often try to find something else to do with myself besides being a pain in the ass.

In this case, I don't think it's an attention whore thing, though perhaps he would disagree (but he won't because he doesn't read here anymore, and to call our current communication spotty would be exaggerating its merits).

Here's the thing--I feel like he's not interested in me anymore. Not in the dramatic sense of, "Omg, he doesn't love me anymore, the sky hath fallen and life as we know it will never be the same again!!"
Not like that.

Things have been a bit of a mess lately. Our oldest boy began displaying a continuous stream of horrid behavior that culminated in an epic showdown between him and Alpha that quite frankly scared the shit out of me.
I sent kiddo to grandma's for a week. I'll pick him up Tuesday.

Alpha is working his ass off. And when he's not, he's "Just trying to de-stress." Which is fine...But absolutely none of that has anything to do with me. Yes, he's providing for us, and when he's home, we're together...
But that's it--we're in the same room while he  lives in the world that is online chess and I give up and drift into the wonderful fantasy land that is books.
And there enters the feeling that he is no longer interested in me.
I believe Alpha when he says that he needs me and is madly in love with me (okay, so the "madly" bit I might doubt just a little some days).
But I'm safe. I'll be here for him no matter what. He's comfortable with me, which I think is generally a good thing in a relationship.
No one wants everyday of their marriage to be shit tons of work. And he's not the kind of Dominant who wants to micromanage. He wants me to be a good girl and that is that.

Lazy love is fine. We all need it, and we all do it sometimes. Lazy Dominance is even alright at times. Lazy submission is a bit harder to pull off, but I have been guilty of my fair share like now, make your own damn cookies.
But when said Dominance begins to end at, "Rub my back and make me cookies" on a regular basis?
We deteriorate into former power struggles where we snap and argue over pointless things. That space where we are safe to express any feeling or thought disappears...

I don't think that he should have to micromanage me. I don't think that, after six years, he should have to make me submit. I don't think that he should have to struggle with me for what we both want. And of course, there is that ever present ebb and flow of cycles that is inevitable in all things.

My submission is probably not as selfless as it should be.


I have yet to learn how to submit and serve graciously when it takes the form of meeting demands for food and rubbing out the kinks--and little more.

He loves me deeply. Most days, he even likes me quite a bit. And the feeling is mutual.
But I am safe. A security that he knows will always be here.

And I can't help that creeping little feeling, that just maybe, he is no longer really interested in me. Because interest is not necessarily a requirement for love.

Thursday, November 15, 2012

Formspring #13, Playtime...And Other Random Goodies

 Since I have a problem staying on track, and my brain is currently imploding for the second day in a row, I dunno where this is going to go...

"Lil, how do you manage to play with children in the house, some things just can't be done quietly."

I suppose that if one had a large house, this wouldn't be much of an issue. We don't. So it is.

Quite simply, we avoid certain things except for the 2-3 times a year my mother watches the kids. Slavery is so sexy and hot right? Lol.
Then all bets are off and if the neighbors didn't hate me so much, they'd probably call the cops.

Sometimes we put them to bed with the stereo on and turn it up a bit after they go to sleep. That and ripping pieces out of a pillow with my teeth seem to be somewhat effective methods of noise control.
There's actually quite a lot that you can get away with...

I think that this is one of the reasons our encounters usually tend more towards the mental aspects (that and it was a natural progression for us I guess).


In other completely unrelated news, it's almost time for the Third Annual Great Online Cookie Exchange Extravaganza! It is organized by the lovely Jz, and she has set the date for December 6th. If you have a recipe and want to participate, make sure to send her your name and blog URL by December 4th--that way she can put you on the link list for December 6th posting.
Stop by her blog for the full story and contact information. It's really lots of fun--where else are we going to get secret family recipes to add to our repertoire?
Alpha accused me of giving away secret information when I told him what recipe I wanted to do this year lol.

If anyone wants to participate but doesn't have a blog of their own, I'll be happy to post their recipe here on the 6th when I post mine (just email it to me ahead of time). I promise that I won't even steal all the credit for it. 
One can never have too many recipes for goodies.

I'll mention it again closer to the actual date.

Now my imploding head and I are going to go contemplate all of that cleaning I had planned for today...Plans are good right?

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Life and Other Complaints

I cut my own hair for years. As a result, it was...Well, lets just say that I'm no genius with scissors. I started going back and actually getting it done right this spring. I left with layers because the only way to even it all out would have been to chop it all off.

Alpha is a bit particular about my hair. It's "Whatever you want, as long as it's what I want," kind of things. He likes it long, no dye, nothing drastic, long bangs are fine.

So before he drops me off, he reminds me that he had better like the results--I know what he likes and he expects to see what he likes the way he likes it.
And I get nervous immediately.

See, here's the thing--When I say "I want a trim and long bangs, nothing drastic," hair stylists usually hear "Cut it all off!"

She said "Two or three inches."
She took off four or five.

Not a huge difference perhaps...I'll admit that it doesn't sound like a big deal anyways.
But when I looked in the mirror afterwards...It sure looked like a lot.
And I had already been doing the "I hope he's happy with it, I hope he's happy with it. Will he like it? Will he like it?" Dance. For, Oh I dunno...Two days.

Needless to say, I was a bit nervous when I walked out to the car...

He does like it--it passed the mandatory test. Meaning that he wrap it around his fist and grab me by the back of the head in order to propel me into the front of the fridge.
And it won't require anymore drastic fixing because I'm not allowed to cut my own hair anymore lol.

Getting a haircut you like becomes more challenging when it's not really about what you yourself like.
It's one thing if I don't like it--another thing completely if he doesn't.

Then today I went to work...And it's really a favor because this woman can't meet my minimum hours. It takes me longer to drive there and back home. Seriously.
But she didn't have me in her schedule for today because when I left a note exactly two weeks ago saying "See you in two weeks," she thought I meant "Two full weeks."
Um...It is, and always has been, Wednesday every other week. That's twice a month, or every two weeks. However the hell you want to look at it--it's two "Full" freaking weeks--same day every time (the day she arranged mind you).

Last week a different client forgot to leave my check. My favorite client decided to pick up the tab for the forgetful one.

But seriously--I'm good at what I do, I get payed well, I don't get nearly enough hours, I can't physically handle the amount of hours I need, and I don't really like the work.

Some days it's just not that appealing. Especially after the 2 1/2 hours of driving for nothing.

Now I'm going to go help Alpha set a window in the boys room.
For some reason the insane man, unlike my children and my mother, trusts me with breakable objects..

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Learning and Relearning

I was writing my last post, then I read a post somewhere else, then I started thinking...You can see where this is going right?
I recommend caffeine.

When two people begin a relationship, we learn how to interact with each other. Each person learns about the other, and we develop certain habits of interaction.

If we start out on an equal power footing, it becomes necessary to, in part, relearn how to interact as a couple.
I think it's fair to say that we are (hopefully), always growing and evolving together. Regardless of the dynamic of our relationships.

If we think of a relationship as its own little world (bear with me here), we realize that there are many key elements that combine to make it sustainable. Everything is symbiotic and there is a cyclical occurrence wherein each part makes the existence of the other possible.

Earth is an amazing and extremely complex expression of symbiosis. An amazing ecosystem that requires a delicate balance to keep all aspects functioning properly.
And so are relationships.

Occasionally change or outside elements disrupt the established symbiosis of a relationship and we have to adapt.

We interact as humans do--we laugh, cry, grieve, love, and live. We become...Us.
Then the concept of a shift in power rears its inspirational little head. And the cycle of our relationship as we know it to be changes.
We are what we were, yet we also become something else.

Suddenly, we are forced to relearn our interactions. We still laugh, cry, grieve, love, and live. But symbiosis as we knew it begins to take on a different form.

The balance and needs of our little ecosystem as we know it begin to change.
In the past, we learned about each other and how to interact. Then suddenly, we discover that we have a lot of relearning to do if we are going to keep our little ecosystem functioning.

Sometimes we make the mistake of thinking that, because we have already learned something, we are done learning everything.

If we do not adapt to the process of relearning our relationships after a shift in the power dynamic, we upset that delicate balance of our personal little ecosystem. Because each part of our world is dependent on the other for proper functioning, the self-sustaining cycle crashes and can no longer support itself leaving us wondering what went wrong.
When really? We just forgot that evolution is a process which requires adaptations to be made along the way. Because we will never know all there is to know. And once we learn everything we need to know in this life? We are done living.

The process of learning and relearning each other and the necessities of our own little worlds is journey we all take in one form or another.
And sometimes? Sometimes it's more about the journey than it is about the destination.

Well, that and too much coffee maybe.

Sunday, November 11, 2012

Keeping Up My End of the LOL Day Bribe Part II

One Submissive to Another kindly accepted my LOL day bribe, and had this to say:

"Ive got a question/thought
Here goes hope it makes sense,
The D/s aspect of our relationship has been a complete relationship shift. I have been the one in charge for 5 years and when we decided that we were going to have a D/s relationship, he became the one in charge. At home I am very submissive, i know my place and i love it. However in public and around family and friends it seems old habits die hard. Its been almost 2 years and i still really really struggle with it, he gives me that "watch it look" when i do it but it doesn't seem to stop me most times. I was wondering if you ever had trouble with that? My ass has been consistently sore for two years now lol." 

Yes, before D/s, this was a bit of a problem for us. I was never in charge, but adapting was still difficult.

Now, he expects a bit of sass when we are with family or friends--for some disturbing reason, he thinks it's fun to propagate the misconception that I am a mean woman with a bad temper who rules the roost.
Ludicrous right?
Okay, so maybe the temper part is right, but the rest of it is clearly erroneous propaganda on his part.

I no longer have a problem with my behavior in public or around friends. The "Look" pretty much does it for me these days.
For me, the most consistent struggle with this sort of thing comes in shifting from "In charge" mode when I'm functioning out on my own, to not in charge. That primarily manifests itself at home though.

When it came to staying in my place in public and around friends, it was easier to adapt to when I looked at it as an issue of respect.
I respect Alpha tremendously. Therefore, I want to see him treated with respect. If I don't give it to him in front of others, I can't very well expect them to do so.
I am very much a reflection of him. I feel that it reflects poorly on him for me to display attitudes or controlling behavior towards him in the presence of others (when we're alone, it just reflects poorly on me).

Often we want people to view us a certain way. I don't care so much how people see me, but I do care how they see Alpha.
I want my presence to bring him more respect, not less.

So yes--I have had trouble with that. But I have found that taking a different view of my behavior has helped tremendously.
Even if it didn't manifest as obvious disrespect that anyone would notice, looking at is as being about respect really did make a difference for me.

I am, by no means, implying that you are disrespectful--just that shifting my perception has helped me personally to remember my place in circumstances outside of the house.  Sometimes a little shift in perception changes everything.

When we make that shift to D/s, there are certain things that we have to relearn. Some come easy, some take time. Okay, so not a whole lot comes easy lol. But it's worth the time.

I hope this addresses your question/thought--I'm having a terribly off day lol. But I did say I would get to this today.
I tried!

This whole submission thing isn't easy is it?

Saturday, November 10, 2012

Keeping Up My End of the LOL Day Bribe Part I

I got three questions/thoughts. I'll give the short answers first, then I'll tackle the big one tomorrow.
It seemed entirely to cheap to put them all in one post lol.
The third one (in all fairness, it was probably first in line), actually requires some thought, so I would like to at least make an attempt to do it justice.

Joolz asked if there is as much snow where I live as currently appears on my blog.
Not yet! Though we are due for it tonight apparently. Right now it's just busy raining on my uncovered wood pile...
Chances are, my blog will acquire a warmer appearance as soon as there's a foot of snow in the yard lol.

ancilla_ksst asked what Alpha and I think about sharing/playing with others.
I think that I pretty much covered that here. Then I expanded on it here because it got a lot more attention than I had anticipated lol.
The short version is that its not something we do, but we have thought of it as a possibility/option. So it's not something we wouldn't do.
I may have had a touch too much coffee again...
Feel free to come back and harass me if those posts didn't cover it to your satisfaction!

Friday, November 9, 2012

Dear Lurkers

We call visitors who visit silently lurkers.

Did you know that there's a day dedicated just to you? Yep, really there is--today!
Today various members of Blogland will be posting in your honor and hoping that you de-lurk for just a moment to say hello to us.

Thanks to Bonnie of  My Bottom Smarts for coming up with the idea of Love Our Lurkers day. I think that many of us bloggers enjoy it tremendously, and it's nice to acknowledge our silent visitors.

I know that you come through quietly, leaving only a blip on my dashboard to tell me that you were here. And I'm sure that there are reasons for your silence. So if you don't want to say hello today, that's okay--I appreciate you anyways.

I have this theory that lurkers, are for the most part, people who are really searching for something. And I do hope that you have found something here upon occasion--even if it was nothing more than an excuse to consume copious amounts of coffee in an attempt to make sense of my mad rambling.

I'll let you in on a not-so-secret secret--at least 3/4 of the bloggers around here were originally lurkers. I am a recovering lurker myself.
I lurked for years. I even did a lot of lurking after I started this blog. Believe it or not, I'm actually a rather shy person.

I know that some bloggers will be generous and offer bribes such as receiving a swat for each comment on their Love Our Lurkers posts.
Having some personal experience with masochists, I know that inside every good masochist is a sadist just waiting for the opportunity to pounce. So I will not be brave like them lol.

However, I did try to think of something you might like that would be at least semi-painless for me (apparently I'm still working on that whole "selfless concept).
So...I thought that I would turn my blog over to you--if there's a subject or a particular question that you would like me to tackle in a post, but have been to shy to mention or ask, let me know in a comment or an email.
I'll do a post on that subject.
If you arrive here and see that others have already left comments with ideas, don't let that stop you from making a request of your own--I'll do them all (no physics, or math please. I can be a bit slow). By the same token, if you read this the day after today, or sometime further down the line, don't let that keep you from leaving a comment!

I know that's probably a poor attempt at bribery, but bribes have never been my strong point lol. Maybe next year I'll be braver...

I do love my lurkers and their day. So much so that I usually go around and comment on blogs where I don't lurk...Just to say hi lol.

If you want to go on quietly about your day, I don't mind. But I would love it if you took a just a moment to say hello.

Thursday, November 8, 2012

Formspring # 10 Time Together

"We're new to this about six months and I would luv to hear how you get time together. We have kids as well and my Dom travels..."

Sorry that it has taken me so long to get around to answering this question. When it came in, I was in the middle of a bout of major resentment regarding lack of time together lol.

We have a somewhat unusual schedule. Alpha might go months without working outside of the house, and then a project comes up and he's gone 15 hours a day, six days a week, until it's done. Sometimes his projects last weeks, other times they drag on for months.
During his periods of work, we get very little time. Beyond the long hours, his job is very physically demanding so his time at home is spent in exhaustion.

Having kids that are schooled at home also makes time alone somewhat of a challenge.

For us, it's very much about those stolen moments that occur during the morning and evening. Little things that convey attention and power exchange, but can happen in the time it takes for a child to walk from the living room to the kitchen.

I have a book that lists things I am expected to do/not do, on a daily basis. I give it to him for review every night after the kids go to sleep (provided he hasn't already passed out on the couch), so that gives us a little bit of focused time together.
There's lots of things that aren't in the book. Because really? The overall one expectation is to "Be a good girl" (you would be surprised at how much of life one can fit under that simple heading), and I could write a novel of expectations and rules if we broke them all down to their individual forms.
But having the book helps me focus. And it insures us at least that moment every day. Where we are focused on each other and the fact that I am his.
Having little daily rituals helps a lot. Even if they don't take much time, they give us an opportunity to focus on each other without outside interferences.

Given the nature of his work, time together has always been a challenge for us. It's something we have yet to get down to a science.
Since business is picking back up, and he's already scheduling for next year, I do have an idea that I would like to see us pursue in the interests of time together.
A date night.
When you have kids and life gets demanding, the only time you're going to get is the time you make. I would like us to have a regularly scheduled date night at least once a month. Unfortunately, that is rather dependent on my mother who is notoriously allergic to our youngest son.

Time is about the importance we place on it.
When Alpha is working, he sees time as taking care of us by making money. After a certain amount of time I see it as none of his time is mine.

So after 14 years together, I'm still not sure how we get time together. I guess we just get to the point where we realize we need it badly, and we make it happen however we can. Though I think it would be nice to be able to do so before I reach the point of desperation lol (which is why I like the idea of date nights).
Because, while families have lots of needs, relationships need nourishment. And both of those things are very much about time.

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Stupid Diary

There has been a Formspring question waiting patiently for days...I'll get there--I have my sights set on tomorrow.

I realize that this is going to sound totally ludicrous, given the fact that not only is this a blog, but I'm posting this on it.

But ya'know...

I was in a car accident about a year and a half ago. An uninsured woman rear-ended me and drove off. It  was sooo not my bad.
Our insurance company was absolutely. Downright. Horrifically. Evil.

I'm the kind of person a car insurance company loves because:

I made it to work on time the day of the accident.
I didn't care that I could barely move--I did not miss one single day of work.
I had high expectations of my body's ability to "get over it" fairly quickly (body happened to really disagree there).
I prefer the approach that there isn't a single thing I can't do since the accident--just unacceptable levels of pain for various activities. Apparently my idea of "unacceptable" is equatable to non-functioning.
And I had absolutely no idea that my insurance company was under the impression that they were Not there to pay bills in the event that their services were actually needed for more than processing our monthly payments to them. Despite the fact that our policy does cover uninsured motorists.
I was extremely naive about the position they were going to take.

We ended up with a lawyer. Now I'm getting to my point, promise.
He wanted me to keep a diary. He said "Write about the pain, depression, how it impacted intimacy, the things you don't do."


Those are intensely personal and private things.

I know right, did I really just type those words into the same blog where I have talked about getting pissed on?

Uh huh.

I think that part of it is how very nasty the insurance company was. And they, of course, will receive a copy of said diary.
The other part is that they are personal.
Pain that occupies my mind and wreaks havoc on my daily life is personal; the feelings I have about it are personal; the fact that my husband can't grab me by the throat, throw me against the wall, and fuck me like I'm disposable...Is personal.

The lawyer called me yesterday and requested the diary. I have accumulated more in medical bills than I make in a good year, and it's time to settle the case.
Between the stupid diary, the amount of medical bills, and the prospect of having to deal with the insurance company, I'm having a moment...That seems to be lasting a bit beyond the definition of "Moment."

So I sent the diary. I have a feeling he's going to be slightly disappointed because after all, I am the kind of person that an insurance company loves.
And I never really did figure out how to say that my sex life was fucked because I'm a kinky little kitten and I like it rough.

Stupid diary.

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

Thinking Out Loud...And Being Heard

A couple of things have come to my attention lately.

1. My sense of humor is not easily assimilated by all.
2. Apparently, a fair amount of people read here.

I'll start with number one. I might not be able to add, but I can count!

There are times that I write with the beginner in mind. I know firsthand that search for others like myself, for more information, for thoughts and ideas that inspire the next "aha" moment.
I have felt very honored and humbled that there are people who have found some of my ramblings helpful and insightful.

Then there are times I joke about limits, beating, and a variety of things that some people probably think are not on the list of things to poke fun at.
The thing is, that header up there? It's a pretty apt description of this blog. And you never know what you might get when an over-thinker has the opportunity to do so out loud.

This blog is not a "how to" manual, or a composition of sex stories (you know, in case no one noticed or something). This place is just my thoughts and struggles, ideas and inspirations, with a side of ranting thrown in for good measure.
It's my life on a page floating around in the vast world we live in.
And really? I don't believe in "how to" manuals for ttwd.
If we were all busy following the way someone out here said we should submit, we would miss the most basic concept of power exchange--the manual is written by the Dominant. Yes, we get to make notes and advise edits, but it's all about the things we do within our relationships. Not outside influences on said relationships.

So in short, I am surprised and honored when someone finds my writing helpful, and I realize that my delivery and vast leaps from one topic to another, is not always easily assimilated. But I'm thinking out loud--it's not always about the good stuff you know.

Which brings me to observation number two.

I try not to pay much attention to how many people read here. While I do enjoy writing with others in mind, especially beginners, I don't want my writing influenced by the number of people who read here. Because honestly, that was never the purpose of this place--I didn't think anyone would read this blog when I sat down and started it 2 1/2 years ago.
People tend to come and go a lot (possibly related to my not-so-easily assimilated sense of humor). I don't take it personally because to do so would go against what I need from, and enjoy about, blogging--the ability to express whatever thoughts are on my mind at any given moment.

Oddly enough, there are apparently a number of you who do read here. Not only that, but you keep coming back for more.
While I do occasionally wonder what is wrong with you question your judgement in that, I cannot say that I am ungrateful.

So whatever your insane reasoning for visiting my little corner, I do appreciate my readers. And I appreciate the companionship, laughter, inspiration, and insight that I am given by your comments and the things you write in your own little corners.

And for those really quiet ones who come and go without a word, but do send the occasional kind email, I appreciate you too. Incidentally, there's a day coming up here in Blogland dedicated just to you.
I considered offering a bit of bribery to encourage lurkers to come say hi...But inside every good masochist lurks a sadist. And I wouldn't want to write checks my butt can't cash lol. So Friday's post will most likely be bribe-free.

Anyways, I noticed my followers hit a number rather larger than the two people residing in my living room that I started writing for. And I know that many have come and gone and will continue to do so, but I thought it worth a "thank you."
Because the original plan for this blog never included it being read.

Sunday, November 4, 2012

Being Right

I like to be right. That's normal isn't it? I have a pretty good track record too.

The thing is...I'm not always so good about being right.

This is the exchange Alpha and I had the other day:

"I can still be right! Just because you own me, doesn't mean that I can't be right..."

"Yes you can, and no it doesn't. But you may not be rude about it."

He has this way of making complete sense at the most inconvenient of times...

See, I'm pretty good at being right--not so good at saying so.

In all fairness, my delivery has gotten much better than it used to be I don't do the dance anymore.

I get around (not like that, geez), and I come across a lot of new submissive blogs. Sometimes I see that questioning about what happens when we are right.
What happens when we are right and our Dominants are not. Do we disagree or are we supposed to just let it go?

I think it is very much dependent on our approach, and the importance of the subject of disagreement.
I am slowly learning to pick my battles. There's no point in saying "I'm right," just to be right. And sometimes, we're both right.

Being right in not nearly as important to me as it used to be. In fact, I much prefer it when he is right.
There is a reasonable explanation for that (before everyone goes and decides that I'm completely off my rocker).   
When one person gets the final say in all decisions, life is going to fall apart if they consistently make the wrong ones. Because we don't live in that glorious land where there is only Mastery and slavery, where unicorns roam, and disputes float off like rainbows (if you do, I would like to trade residences).

While we discuss all the important decisions, he is responsible for the final choice. I get to put in my two cents, point out why I feel my approach is best, and occasionally argue my case. But ultimately, it is not up to me. Therefore, it is in everyone's best interests that he make the right decisions.

Disagreeing with one's owner is very much about how important the issue is, and having a respectful approach. Well that, and actually being right.

Accepting one's lack of control can be an evolutionary step in its own right.
I am clearly a work in progress...

Saturday, November 3, 2012

Conversations With Grandma

This isn't one of those, "Words of wisdom from your elders" posts. I wish it was...

My mom and I have this little tradition where she calls me and reads the funny excerpts from the local police blotter.
Yesterday she called me, "I have a funny for you. You'll love it--you're the only person I know who will really appreciate it."

I keep on stirring dinner and wait for the big reveal...

"Man called police to report that he couldn't get the handcuffs off of his wife and could he please borrow a key."

But wait! It gets better. Sigh.

She continued with, "I can laugh at that because it almost happened to me!"

I have an atrocious uncanny ability to turn terrible things I hear into images. The worse it is, the better the visual. Unfortunate really.

I choked on my own spit and almost knocked dinner off the stove.

It's safe to say that I no longer look forward to our little police blotter chats.

Friday, November 2, 2012

Submission as an Art Form

I while back, I read a post over on Kitty's blog, about the art of submission and other things (hi Kitty). But what got me going was the concept of submission as an art.

Ooh look...Butterflies...

I think of Dominance as an art, and Dominant as a state of being--who someone is.

So if Dominance is an art, why wouldn't submission also be an art?

Submissive is a part of who I am as a person.
Submission is a product of being submissive and fulfills a mutual need--my need to submit and his need to Dominate.

The dictionary gave me exactly what I was looking for (yes I'm looking basic stuff up again. Jellyfish taught me that it's a wise course of action).
Art is:
2. The exercise of human skill (as distinguished from nature).
5. excellence or aesthetic merit of conception or execution as exemplified by such works.
Okay, so I'm not sure I entirely understood the second definition the first time or two I read it lol.

So in theory (ahem), submission as an expression of being submissive is very much an art. 
Regardless of whether we come crawling nicely on our knees, need to be conquered along the way, or weave our way back and forth between the two on our way to surrender.

I think that it's an art that is more about dedication than skill (see, I don't look bad if I put it like that lol). We fall, get back up, and do it all over again.
Each time, we refine our rise and fall just a little bit more.

Raw talent can create incredible art (I'm very good at stick figures), but to learn an art takes time. Often, years go into developing and refining the ability to create something beautiful.

Kneeling is an art (if you think it's not, you have very good knees. I don't), learning what pleases someone is an art, giving a blowjob is an art, sometimes holding your tongue is even an art. There's a long list that takes on many forms. 

The quality and value of our art is judged, not by its viewers and level of perfection, but by the ones we submit to. And as is the case with all art, the art of submission takes many forms, yet exists to please it's owner.

Thursday, November 1, 2012

Chocolate Cheesecake?

I am looking for a chocolate cheesecake recipe. I have a pretty good one, but it's dense and I like the fluffy kind.
Anybody have a recipe for me? Pretty please?
And yes, I did Google...There really is such a thing as too many options. And while experimenting is fun, I want to know it's going to turn out good lol.