"Why am I so in love with the thought of an abusive boyfriend or
relationship? I'm not fond of the physical abuse; it's more of the
emotional aspect if it. I don't understand why though."
In all honesty, I couldn't help but question the sincerity of this question; however, I am going to give it a sincere reply.
In short, I don't know.
There are many and vast differences between abuse and BDSM, so I am not sure
why you felt that this was an appropriate place to ask your question.
My best advice is that this is a question for a therapist, and I think that you should explore it with someone who is qualified to help you find the answer you are seeking.
That being said, my first thought is that you aren't personally familiar with abusive relationships. They aren't pretty--your shit is always smashed, you make frequent trips to the hospital, your mind gets warped in ways you never could have imagined, it impairs your functioning and your relationships, etc. In short, there's a long list of crappy stuff that comes with abusive relationships.
I am curious what it is that you find appealing about the emotional aspects of abusive relationships...?
Sometimes we like a little bit of fear with our loving
sometimes we can be little bit emotionally masochistic
some of us enjoy getting slapped around a bit
and many of us thrive in Dominant/submissive relationships.
Nobody thrives in abusive relationships. Not even the abusers.
I don't know why you are so attracted to the thought of an abusive relationship. Perhaps you need to love yourself more, perhaps you haven't really considered the repercussions of emotional abuse, perhaps you think you deserve it, or perhaps you don't really know what an abusive relationship really is.
Regardless of the reasons, I stand by my original thought--this is a question best explored with a good therapist.
I wish you the best of luck, and I hope that you are able to find your answer without exploring relationships of an abusive nature--I assure you that the reality of true emotional abuse is not in the least little bit attractive.
Showing posts with label abuse. Show all posts
Showing posts with label abuse. Show all posts
Saturday, August 17, 2013
Thursday, May 31, 2012
There are Differences Between Abuse and BDSM
In all fairness to my readers, possible triggers and disagreeable opinions ahead. Other reads are on the right.
I wanted to do a BDSM versus abuse post last summer, but I just couldn't cool off enough for it not to be a rant. Then the inspiration faded and I never wrote it. Given that thing1 has repeatedly reverted to her previous abuser, I have been inspired again.
These are of course, merely my opinions, and they aren't changing anytime soon. So feel free to disagree. That's the beauty of the internet--everyone gets their two cents.
Of course, the beauty of blogging is getting to give your own two cents to your hearts content.
And where else am I going to jump up on my soap box and preach to the masses? We call the people who do it on street corners crazy, those who do it on blogs are bloggers. Snazzy huh.
So for those of you who arrive here by searching for the term "the difference between BDSM and abuse", here's my ten cents.
There's no doubt thing1 needs someone to take her in hand. And I can't help but wonder if what she was looking for before the drugs, before the jerk, before she became what she is now, was something resembling a D/s relationship.
I have seen it written that the difference between BDSM and abuse is consent--an abused woman doesn't give her consent to be beaten and controlled, whereas a submissive has given her consent.
I disagree. While the circumstance are quite different, consent is given by presence--thing1 has given jerk consent to beat the crap out of her because she keeps going back for more.
Sounds cold doesn't it? And it does come from a bit of a cynical place, but I still believe it to be true.
I do realize that some women don't have anyone in their lives to support them and help them escape, but many do. And they just don't take the option.
And neither is knowing the difference between right and wrong the key element here. Thing1 once tried to tell me she could be with shithead now because he's grown--now he knows that what he did was wrong.
I beg to differ. He knew it was wrong to beat her head into the pavement. He just did it anyways. People do things they know are wrong all the time. Knowing that you have done something wrong doesn't make you a better person--it just means you're not a complete psychopath.
That being said, there are truly psychopathic people in this world who are capable of extreme and horrific abuse. I think those are the ones who are capable of digging their claws so far into someone's mind, the other person becomes somewhat incapable of separating themselves.
So if consent and knowledge of doing wrong aren't the defining differences, than what are?
I believe there are many. And I will probably miss quite a few of them. After all, this subject could be debated endlessly.
In my mind, one of the biggest differences is that abusive relationships come from a loss of control on the abuser's part; whereas, BDSM is very much about control--submissive gives control, Dominant exercises self control in the exertion of his will.
In abusive relationships, there seems to be a lot of "it's my fault" from the abused, and quite a bit of "you shouldn't have made me lose my temper--it's your fault" from the abuser.
I believe that responsibility is a hallmark of Dominants. Specifically, personal responsibility. An abuser is never responsible for their actions--it's the fault of the abused for provoking the anger.
In my relationship, actions have consequences and punishment can be one of those consequences. That is our arrangement and it works just fine for us.
Now, if he loses his temper and comes unglued (which is quite rare), it's Not my fault.
An abusive relationship also has the markings of the abused partner not being of equal value (contrary to popular opinion, equal value is not the same as equal footing), they are somehow not up to par and must be changed. Who they are is not acceptable, their input is not welcome, what is acceptable one day may not be the next.
Alpha's Dominance has released and enhanced who I am. It has never sought to change who I inherently am as a person--instead it brings out the parts of me I deny, tempers the parts of me that need work, and encourages my evolution as myself.
Then there is emotion.
Abuse occurs in anger and causes fear of real harm.
Fear is the tool that an abusive partner most often uses to keep the other person with them. It is the binding that holds them together. Not love, not intimacy, not the experience itself.
Alpha occasionally slaps me. Does it bother me? Well, no. Interesting things happen in my mind when he does it. But he has never once touched me in anger. Do I fear that he will harm me? No. Occasionally I may fear the things he could choose to do, or implements he may decide to use, but not him.
And yea, as he says, I'm a bit of a twisted kitty and to some extent, I get off on fear.
Of course, intent plays it's part too...
In a D/s oriented relationship, the best interests of the submissive and the relationship are reflected in a Dominants actions. Of course, what is in our best interests is not always what we want or like, but it is not detrimental.
BDSM can be subtle, children don't witness it, and the undertones of D/s can occur in a manner that slides right over their heads. Abuse occurs regardless of the presence of children and its impacts on their well-being. You will not walk into my house and see busted furniture, broken baubles, and children cowering in the corner crying that daddy hit mommy.
I believe that BDSM is, among many other things, about exploring possibilities, growing as a person, and accepting who you are.
It is intimacy with pleasure and pain, the experience of stripping away superficial trappings, an exchange of power for the mutual growth and benefit of Dominant and submissive.
This is not all to say that the two are mutually exclusive--that there is no such thing as an abusive relationship between people who practice BDSM. I think that when those lines blur, we are actually looking at the worst culmination of both worlds with the most destructive impacts on the abused.
It's not something I intend to ramble about here as I really have no clear personal perspective on it.
I wanted to do a BDSM versus abuse post last summer, but I just couldn't cool off enough for it not to be a rant. Then the inspiration faded and I never wrote it. Given that thing1 has repeatedly reverted to her previous abuser, I have been inspired again.
These are of course, merely my opinions, and they aren't changing anytime soon. So feel free to disagree. That's the beauty of the internet--everyone gets their two cents.
Of course, the beauty of blogging is getting to give your own two cents to your hearts content.
And where else am I going to jump up on my soap box and preach to the masses? We call the people who do it on street corners crazy, those who do it on blogs are bloggers. Snazzy huh.
So for those of you who arrive here by searching for the term "the difference between BDSM and abuse", here's my ten cents.
There's no doubt thing1 needs someone to take her in hand. And I can't help but wonder if what she was looking for before the drugs, before the jerk, before she became what she is now, was something resembling a D/s relationship.
I have seen it written that the difference between BDSM and abuse is consent--an abused woman doesn't give her consent to be beaten and controlled, whereas a submissive has given her consent.
I disagree. While the circumstance are quite different, consent is given by presence--thing1 has given jerk consent to beat the crap out of her because she keeps going back for more.
Sounds cold doesn't it? And it does come from a bit of a cynical place, but I still believe it to be true.
I do realize that some women don't have anyone in their lives to support them and help them escape, but many do. And they just don't take the option.
And neither is knowing the difference between right and wrong the key element here. Thing1 once tried to tell me she could be with shithead now because he's grown--now he knows that what he did was wrong.
I beg to differ. He knew it was wrong to beat her head into the pavement. He just did it anyways. People do things they know are wrong all the time. Knowing that you have done something wrong doesn't make you a better person--it just means you're not a complete psychopath.
That being said, there are truly psychopathic people in this world who are capable of extreme and horrific abuse. I think those are the ones who are capable of digging their claws so far into someone's mind, the other person becomes somewhat incapable of separating themselves.
So if consent and knowledge of doing wrong aren't the defining differences, than what are?
I believe there are many. And I will probably miss quite a few of them. After all, this subject could be debated endlessly.
In my mind, one of the biggest differences is that abusive relationships come from a loss of control on the abuser's part; whereas, BDSM is very much about control--submissive gives control, Dominant exercises self control in the exertion of his will.
In abusive relationships, there seems to be a lot of "it's my fault" from the abused, and quite a bit of "you shouldn't have made me lose my temper--it's your fault" from the abuser.
I believe that responsibility is a hallmark of Dominants. Specifically, personal responsibility. An abuser is never responsible for their actions--it's the fault of the abused for provoking the anger.
In my relationship, actions have consequences and punishment can be one of those consequences. That is our arrangement and it works just fine for us.
Now, if he loses his temper and comes unglued (which is quite rare), it's Not my fault.
An abusive relationship also has the markings of the abused partner not being of equal value (contrary to popular opinion, equal value is not the same as equal footing), they are somehow not up to par and must be changed. Who they are is not acceptable, their input is not welcome, what is acceptable one day may not be the next.
Alpha's Dominance has released and enhanced who I am. It has never sought to change who I inherently am as a person--instead it brings out the parts of me I deny, tempers the parts of me that need work, and encourages my evolution as myself.
Then there is emotion.
Abuse occurs in anger and causes fear of real harm.
Fear is the tool that an abusive partner most often uses to keep the other person with them. It is the binding that holds them together. Not love, not intimacy, not the experience itself.
Alpha occasionally slaps me. Does it bother me? Well, no. Interesting things happen in my mind when he does it. But he has never once touched me in anger. Do I fear that he will harm me? No. Occasionally I may fear the things he could choose to do, or implements he may decide to use, but not him.
And yea, as he says, I'm a bit of a twisted kitty and to some extent, I get off on fear.
Of course, intent plays it's part too...
In a D/s oriented relationship, the best interests of the submissive and the relationship are reflected in a Dominants actions. Of course, what is in our best interests is not always what we want or like, but it is not detrimental.
BDSM can be subtle, children don't witness it, and the undertones of D/s can occur in a manner that slides right over their heads. Abuse occurs regardless of the presence of children and its impacts on their well-being. You will not walk into my house and see busted furniture, broken baubles, and children cowering in the corner crying that daddy hit mommy.
I believe that BDSM is, among many other things, about exploring possibilities, growing as a person, and accepting who you are.
It is intimacy with pleasure and pain, the experience of stripping away superficial trappings, an exchange of power for the mutual growth and benefit of Dominant and submissive.
This is not all to say that the two are mutually exclusive--that there is no such thing as an abusive relationship between people who practice BDSM. I think that when those lines blur, we are actually looking at the worst culmination of both worlds with the most destructive impacts on the abused.
It's not something I intend to ramble about here as I really have no clear personal perspective on it.
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
When it's Not Okay...But it Can Be
So my little personal revelation the other day was...Not so little. I have issues lol (imagine that). And I spent years pretending I didn't. Yea, that doesn't work.
I have always felt like the "warning possible triggers ahead" disclaimer was, oh I dunno, excessively dramatic. So ummm, there's my version of "read at your own risk." I don't personally feel that the way it came out is disturbing, but there you have it lol. As usual, my writing is more about emotion and thought than the physical.
This is not a topic I have really chosen to highlight in my blog. Perhaps because I don't really like to put much thought to it. But I think that perhaps it is time to pull it back out and reexamine things because I feel like there's a shift in an area that I thought I had pretty wrapped up with a neat little bow.
The problem with storing shit in the closet, is that it is always in your home. I guess it's time to clean house some more.
When I was a kid we had these neighbors. They were about a couple decades older than my parents. She was a former school teacher and offered to take over my schooling. I think I was seven. I would also occasionally bathe there because of our water situation.
From then until I was 14 her husband screwed with me in various ways. Mostly mental. He spent seven years doing an amazingly nasty number on my head. Among other things, he taught me what talking dirty was. It's only been over the last years that talking dirty didn't evoke a horrible sense of filth within me (which explains why Alpha froze in shock the first time we were in bed and I begged him to call me his slut).
Lol, even now I have an aversion to actually speaking that way myself.
That was when I learned my disdain for people who know about bad things happening and do nothing. I was the last in a 35 year long train of girls. I got off lucky I guess--he was too afraid of my father to add me to his trophy pictures.
I also learned how one can feel dirty from the inside out.
When I was 14 my friends older brother had "something to show" me out back. Yea, he did. He showed me that it is possible to disconnect one's mind from their body. A few times as I recall.
It stopped when Alpha and I got together. He still frowns when the topic comes up and he is reminded that I didn't tell him the whole story then.
It's a painful mix, the feeling crawling under your skin and chewing on your mind, combined with walking away from your body.
I don't think I was "home" for many years of Alpha and I's mostly non-existent sex life.
To this day, men in control or in charge tend to make me nervous. Especially when they are bigger than me.
Oh the irony in that one--that which attracts me most also makes me want to turn and run.
Anyways...
Things changed when we began exploring ttwd. For a very long time I had felt...I don't know how to explain it besides that feeling where you really need a shower, but on the inside. And you scrub and scrub but you just cannot become...Clean.
That changed. I no longer thought about my past every day. I felt like with each step we took down this new path, a layer of crud was being stripped off.
I don't usually think about it very often anymore.
Until last night when I was standing in the kitchen and realized that I don't allow myself to feel sexual desire largely because I feel that it is wrong and dangerous for me to do so. And for the first time in my life, I consciously thought "it's okay to feel this way."
Call me a slow learner if you want, because it's something Alpha has been telling me for over a decade. But for some reason I never actually felt it until I was able to say it to myself.
My disloyalty to Alpha earlier in our relationship kind of contributed to the way I repress anything related to desire. It gave me a layer of self-created crud that I sometimes wonder if I'll ever completely get rid of.
We weren't D/s then, but after we went down this path, I often wished he would have punished me for it, and I do occasionally wonder why he never did. Perhaps the emotional mess of our life at the time was enough punishment for both of us.
Though the more control he takes, the more it fades.
We were talking a while back and he said that I didn't have to worry about it anymore--because the decisions regarding my body are his to make now. He told me that all I had to do was put his desires before those of anyone else, and that he would place the needs of our children and myself before his desires.
Fair enough right.
Yea, I flopped into pure doubt there and asked what happened if he couldn't control what I let out. He smiled and said that he had is doubts about the possibility, but if he couldn't, he would just shove it back in the box.
I don't think that I really believed he could control that aspect of me until last night. When I told myself it was okay.
Ooh, okay, so letting go is about trust. I suddenly get that--Just because I trust him implicitly doesn't mean I trusted his ability to control whatever I let out. I love it when concepts click.
I debated turning off comments on this post because...Well because over all I was lucky. I got off pretty easy all things considered. And I am most definitely not looking for sympathy. I'm looking to let go of some things that I have held onto for a very long time.
And while my past is part of who I am today, it does not define my present or my future.
For a very long time I felt like I was poison. You know, the kind that looks benign on the outside, but a touch, makes you whither up and die?
Now I'm thinking...Maybe I'm not.
I have always felt like the "warning possible triggers ahead" disclaimer was, oh I dunno, excessively dramatic. So ummm, there's my version of "read at your own risk." I don't personally feel that the way it came out is disturbing, but there you have it lol. As usual, my writing is more about emotion and thought than the physical.
This is not a topic I have really chosen to highlight in my blog. Perhaps because I don't really like to put much thought to it. But I think that perhaps it is time to pull it back out and reexamine things because I feel like there's a shift in an area that I thought I had pretty wrapped up with a neat little bow.
The problem with storing shit in the closet, is that it is always in your home. I guess it's time to clean house some more.
When I was a kid we had these neighbors. They were about a couple decades older than my parents. She was a former school teacher and offered to take over my schooling. I think I was seven. I would also occasionally bathe there because of our water situation.
From then until I was 14 her husband screwed with me in various ways. Mostly mental. He spent seven years doing an amazingly nasty number on my head. Among other things, he taught me what talking dirty was. It's only been over the last years that talking dirty didn't evoke a horrible sense of filth within me (which explains why Alpha froze in shock the first time we were in bed and I begged him to call me his slut).
Lol, even now I have an aversion to actually speaking that way myself.
That was when I learned my disdain for people who know about bad things happening and do nothing. I was the last in a 35 year long train of girls. I got off lucky I guess--he was too afraid of my father to add me to his trophy pictures.
I also learned how one can feel dirty from the inside out.
When I was 14 my friends older brother had "something to show" me out back. Yea, he did. He showed me that it is possible to disconnect one's mind from their body. A few times as I recall.
It stopped when Alpha and I got together. He still frowns when the topic comes up and he is reminded that I didn't tell him the whole story then.
It's a painful mix, the feeling crawling under your skin and chewing on your mind, combined with walking away from your body.
I don't think I was "home" for many years of Alpha and I's mostly non-existent sex life.
To this day, men in control or in charge tend to make me nervous. Especially when they are bigger than me.
Oh the irony in that one--that which attracts me most also makes me want to turn and run.
Anyways...
Things changed when we began exploring ttwd. For a very long time I had felt...I don't know how to explain it besides that feeling where you really need a shower, but on the inside. And you scrub and scrub but you just cannot become...Clean.
That changed. I no longer thought about my past every day. I felt like with each step we took down this new path, a layer of crud was being stripped off.
I don't usually think about it very often anymore.
Until last night when I was standing in the kitchen and realized that I don't allow myself to feel sexual desire largely because I feel that it is wrong and dangerous for me to do so. And for the first time in my life, I consciously thought "it's okay to feel this way."
Call me a slow learner if you want, because it's something Alpha has been telling me for over a decade. But for some reason I never actually felt it until I was able to say it to myself.
My disloyalty to Alpha earlier in our relationship kind of contributed to the way I repress anything related to desire. It gave me a layer of self-created crud that I sometimes wonder if I'll ever completely get rid of.
We weren't D/s then, but after we went down this path, I often wished he would have punished me for it, and I do occasionally wonder why he never did. Perhaps the emotional mess of our life at the time was enough punishment for both of us.
Though the more control he takes, the more it fades.
We were talking a while back and he said that I didn't have to worry about it anymore--because the decisions regarding my body are his to make now. He told me that all I had to do was put his desires before those of anyone else, and that he would place the needs of our children and myself before his desires.
Fair enough right.
Yea, I flopped into pure doubt there and asked what happened if he couldn't control what I let out. He smiled and said that he had is doubts about the possibility, but if he couldn't, he would just shove it back in the box.
I don't think that I really believed he could control that aspect of me until last night. When I told myself it was okay.
Ooh, okay, so letting go is about trust. I suddenly get that--Just because I trust him implicitly doesn't mean I trusted his ability to control whatever I let out. I love it when concepts click.
I debated turning off comments on this post because...Well because over all I was lucky. I got off pretty easy all things considered. And I am most definitely not looking for sympathy. I'm looking to let go of some things that I have held onto for a very long time.
And while my past is part of who I am today, it does not define my present or my future.
For a very long time I felt like I was poison. You know, the kind that looks benign on the outside, but a touch, makes you whither up and die?
Now I'm thinking...Maybe I'm not.
Sunday, June 5, 2011
The point of no return
The night out was awesome. Nothing exceptional happened, well, that's not true, at this point having a conversation alone (okay, I have conversations alone all the time, but it's different when you are actually talking to someone else lol) was exceptional. We went out to dinner, listened to music, and wonder of wonders, had some two-way conversations. Though...It all came with an exceptionally nasty does of reality that lasted all day yesterday. Reality is such a sneaky little bitch...Ignore her for a few hours and she's got to come back with a vengeance, sheesh.
For clarity's sake, sil's abusive bf will be referred to simply as "crackhead." Well, I might still come up with a few more inventive names but they are all incredibly rude and take a dreadfully long time to type. And I'm a big fan of efficiency.
When we went to try and get the car Alpha had lent His sister, we knew that it had been beat to shit. What we didn't know was that crackhead had also stabbed holes in the gas tank, so Alpha will have to try and repair that before gimping it out of there.
When I loaded up sil's stuff I went through her house raking shit into trash bags and wasn't to concerned with looking around. Alpha on the other hand, made some disturbing discoveries.
1 child abuse guilty plea dated almost a year ago (with sil's very own crackhead as perpetrator)
and enough evidence to convince Alpha that crackhead is a very fitting nickname for said offender.
Believe it or not, I'm actually trying to go somewhere with this particular rant. Eventually I'm going to do one of my preachy posts about love, abuse, and BDSM. But I don't want it to be a rant. I want it to be well written with some very clear thoughts on the matter. And since my clearest though lately has been "fuck you" lol, this shall not be that post.
My father firmly believed that there was a point of no return--that it is possible for people to cross a certain line into the unforgivable. The proverbial line in the sand (that's a lame saying isn't it. Should be a line in stone or concrete or some shit like that), that once crossed, there is no return. On the other side? No redeemable human qualities.
Not everyone truly believes that there are unforgivable atrocities committed in daily life. Maybe some people are more forgiving, or maybe they are just in denial. Dunno. Either way, I believe in that point of no return, that there are some crimes you don't wait and let Karma take care of on it's own--sometimes you have to help it along a bit.
And I'm wondering, what it is in a person that can make them justify walking on that line and allowing someone in their life to cross it and still be a part of their existence? Specifically, how one ignores child abuse charges against their own personal crackhead, does drugs in the house with their kid, gets the shit beat out of them, and doesn't have a problem with the person who caused this world of shit.
You see, my couch is a terrible place for denial. Alpha isn't a fan of it and when He's had enough? The river of denial shall run dry. Or get set on fire. Whichever comes first lol (yes, the river of denial is really quite flammable).
I know sil's situation is not unique and unheard of. But put into the equation that she has a safe place and family who will look out for her kid and herself, what makes her still be willing to go back for more? Because personally? I believe that crackhead has crossed the point of no return and then some.
So how exactly is it possible for a woman to justify these things to herself and make them okay? Because it is quite clear to me--shit is really Not okay. That's actually, for once, not a rhetorical question lol. I would be kind of interested to see what readers think about that (those of you who are still hanging in there through my recent explosion of rants anyways lol). You know, for research's sake.
For clarity's sake, sil's abusive bf will be referred to simply as "crackhead." Well, I might still come up with a few more inventive names but they are all incredibly rude and take a dreadfully long time to type. And I'm a big fan of efficiency.
When we went to try and get the car Alpha had lent His sister, we knew that it had been beat to shit. What we didn't know was that crackhead had also stabbed holes in the gas tank, so Alpha will have to try and repair that before gimping it out of there.
When I loaded up sil's stuff I went through her house raking shit into trash bags and wasn't to concerned with looking around. Alpha on the other hand, made some disturbing discoveries.
1 child abuse guilty plea dated almost a year ago (with sil's very own crackhead as perpetrator)
and enough evidence to convince Alpha that crackhead is a very fitting nickname for said offender.
Believe it or not, I'm actually trying to go somewhere with this particular rant. Eventually I'm going to do one of my preachy posts about love, abuse, and BDSM. But I don't want it to be a rant. I want it to be well written with some very clear thoughts on the matter. And since my clearest though lately has been "fuck you" lol, this shall not be that post.
My father firmly believed that there was a point of no return--that it is possible for people to cross a certain line into the unforgivable. The proverbial line in the sand (that's a lame saying isn't it. Should be a line in stone or concrete or some shit like that), that once crossed, there is no return. On the other side? No redeemable human qualities.
Not everyone truly believes that there are unforgivable atrocities committed in daily life. Maybe some people are more forgiving, or maybe they are just in denial. Dunno. Either way, I believe in that point of no return, that there are some crimes you don't wait and let Karma take care of on it's own--sometimes you have to help it along a bit.
And I'm wondering, what it is in a person that can make them justify walking on that line and allowing someone in their life to cross it and still be a part of their existence? Specifically, how one ignores child abuse charges against their own personal crackhead, does drugs in the house with their kid, gets the shit beat out of them, and doesn't have a problem with the person who caused this world of shit.
You see, my couch is a terrible place for denial. Alpha isn't a fan of it and when He's had enough? The river of denial shall run dry. Or get set on fire. Whichever comes first lol (yes, the river of denial is really quite flammable).
I know sil's situation is not unique and unheard of. But put into the equation that she has a safe place and family who will look out for her kid and herself, what makes her still be willing to go back for more? Because personally? I believe that crackhead has crossed the point of no return and then some.
So how exactly is it possible for a woman to justify these things to herself and make them okay? Because it is quite clear to me--shit is really Not okay. That's actually, for once, not a rhetorical question lol. I would be kind of interested to see what readers think about that (those of you who are still hanging in there through my recent explosion of rants anyways lol). You know, for research's sake.
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
There's a vast difference between domineering asshole and Dominant man
I have touched on this subject before, but this post is for me myself and I--to try and figure out a way to express this idea to the deaf ears of someone who doesn't want to see the light as I know it. A way I can express the thought's in a D/s context related to the way I live and later strip most of that away for another's ears.
So, to put it into context for the readers who are not me myself and I--Regulars will know that my sister has chosen to replace one abusive relationship with another. Her twin called me yesterday panicking because sil# had called while fighting with her boyfriend, he had taken the phone away and told sil #2 to fuck off and refused repeatedly to let her talk to her sister each time she called back. My call was ignored. Alpha's call got an immediate call back. Long and short of it being, sil#1 intends to stay in the relationship.
Now, everybody fights sometimes, I don't care who you are or how you want the world to see you--no one's in perfect agreement at all times. There is however, such a thing as excessive fighting, ie, when your house is always busted to shit complete with broken windows and upturned furniture, physical contact, inability to talk to family members, etc. All done in the presence of a three year old girl who happens to be my neice.
sil#1 spent the early years of her life idolizing Alpha, and I think it flabergasts (don't care if it's not a word) Him to no end that she would make the choices she does given that fact.
The thing is...I don't think she's ever payed attention to the vast differences between domineering asshole and Dominant man. Lets put it into list form for my convenience of reference:
Domineering asshole:
First and foremost, this man lacks self control, followed closely by an extreme and overwhelming tendency to be selfish and put his own needs before the needs of others. He in no way strives to better the life of his partner or encourages her to better herself. In fact, he often see's her attempts at bettering herself as simply an inconvenience that takes her attentions away from himself. He is cocky and often talks about how he "has friends" when informed that her family will only stand for his shit for so long and puts a fair amount of effort into limiting her contact with the people who love her. He is more than willing to live off of his partner in any way he can, while exhibiting a marked talent at contributing nothing to the relationship or physical survival of the couple. He will destroy her possessions and perform acts of uncontrolled violence in front of her child with no concern for that child's mental or physical welfare.
Dominant:
A Dominant man is first and foremost in control of Himself. He realizes that He cannot control anyone else without first being able to control Himself. While His needs are often first and foremost for His submissive, He considers the valid needs of her and family and puts them first whenever necessary. He not only strives to better the life of His submissive, but see's it as a priority for her to better herself and encourages healthy growth in her life and as an individual. He is not cocky and never makes statements that He is not willing to stand behind. He see's friends as irrelevant to His conflicts because He views such conflicts as issues to be dealt with Himself. He encourages healthy relationships with her family and friends and does not limit her access to those people who care about her--in other words, He realizes that isolation from other healthy relationships is detrimental and therefore does not seek to confine her away from them. He is not willing to merely live off the hard work of His submissive and to not contribute to the family's survival, in fact He finds it quite difficult when circumstances interfere with His ability to singlehandedly provide for His family's needs.
Any violence in the relationship is never performed in anger and falls into the realm of a BDSM oriented dynamic. And these things Never happen in front of children because there physical and mental health is forefront in all circumstances.
The differences are vast and relationship views and values vary widely. But one fact remains the same--a domineering asshole is Not the same as a Dominant male.
So, to put it into context for the readers who are not me myself and I--Regulars will know that my sister has chosen to replace one abusive relationship with another. Her twin called me yesterday panicking because sil# had called while fighting with her boyfriend, he had taken the phone away and told sil #2 to fuck off and refused repeatedly to let her talk to her sister each time she called back. My call was ignored. Alpha's call got an immediate call back. Long and short of it being, sil#1 intends to stay in the relationship.
Now, everybody fights sometimes, I don't care who you are or how you want the world to see you--no one's in perfect agreement at all times. There is however, such a thing as excessive fighting, ie, when your house is always busted to shit complete with broken windows and upturned furniture, physical contact, inability to talk to family members, etc. All done in the presence of a three year old girl who happens to be my neice.
sil#1 spent the early years of her life idolizing Alpha, and I think it flabergasts (don't care if it's not a word) Him to no end that she would make the choices she does given that fact.
The thing is...I don't think she's ever payed attention to the vast differences between domineering asshole and Dominant man. Lets put it into list form for my convenience of reference:
Domineering asshole:
First and foremost, this man lacks self control, followed closely by an extreme and overwhelming tendency to be selfish and put his own needs before the needs of others. He in no way strives to better the life of his partner or encourages her to better herself. In fact, he often see's her attempts at bettering herself as simply an inconvenience that takes her attentions away from himself. He is cocky and often talks about how he "has friends" when informed that her family will only stand for his shit for so long and puts a fair amount of effort into limiting her contact with the people who love her. He is more than willing to live off of his partner in any way he can, while exhibiting a marked talent at contributing nothing to the relationship or physical survival of the couple. He will destroy her possessions and perform acts of uncontrolled violence in front of her child with no concern for that child's mental or physical welfare.
Dominant:
A Dominant man is first and foremost in control of Himself. He realizes that He cannot control anyone else without first being able to control Himself. While His needs are often first and foremost for His submissive, He considers the valid needs of her and family and puts them first whenever necessary. He not only strives to better the life of His submissive, but see's it as a priority for her to better herself and encourages healthy growth in her life and as an individual. He is not cocky and never makes statements that He is not willing to stand behind. He see's friends as irrelevant to His conflicts because He views such conflicts as issues to be dealt with Himself. He encourages healthy relationships with her family and friends and does not limit her access to those people who care about her--in other words, He realizes that isolation from other healthy relationships is detrimental and therefore does not seek to confine her away from them. He is not willing to merely live off the hard work of His submissive and to not contribute to the family's survival, in fact He finds it quite difficult when circumstances interfere with His ability to singlehandedly provide for His family's needs.
Any violence in the relationship is never performed in anger and falls into the realm of a BDSM oriented dynamic. And these things Never happen in front of children because there physical and mental health is forefront in all circumstances.
The differences are vast and relationship views and values vary widely. But one fact remains the same--a domineering asshole is Not the same as a Dominant male.
Monday, March 7, 2011
Consent and abuse
Consent is one of those topics that gets a fair amount of time under the limelight. A lot of people say that the biggest difference between BDSM and abuse is consent. I disagree. Even abusive relationships require consent. Now, I'm sure this will get plenty of people up in arms sputtering away and running to tell me how wrong I am and that's fine. But I'm still going to think I'm right lol. So slander my opinions if you want but this is an area where they are not going to change. I have spent far to much time on the phone in the middle of the night and watching Alpha go pack up their shit to believe that abuse does not require some form of consent from the abused partner.
Now, before everyone goes getting their panties in a twist, this post is not intended to be a dig at women in abusive relationships. It is simply my musings about consent and abuse just like the title says. My sister has become the poster board for the formation of my beliefs and I don't love her any less for it.
I will accept the concept that it is possible to be so abused that you can't tell up from down and lose the concept of what a healthy relationship is; that it is possible to be so afraid, that you stay with an abuser because of fear for your life or the lives of your children. I will not however, accept the concept that the biggest difference between BDSM and abuse is consent. Sure, no one says "lets spend the night breaking everything in our house in front of the kids while you beat the shit out of me, oh yay!" But when it comes to abuse, after a certain amount of time (the first time), staying equals consent. Before throwing things at the computer, or rushing to tell me how full of shit I am (be my guest, I haven't deleted a comment yet and don't really intend to start now), take into account how many times I have watched women go back to these shit relationships when they had gotten out and were offered every support necessary to start over without the asshole (aka abusive shit bag. Take your pick of terms, there are plenty to go around).
The long and short of it is, to be in an abusive relationship requires the consent of the abused as well as abuser. By staying with an abuser, the abused are giving their consent for the abuse to continue--whether they realize it or not. That's my opinion from both inside and outside of the situation.
I am not talking about when BDSM turns into abuse because that's not something I have any experience with and I would imagine the complications to be much deeper.
Since I have a house full of kids who are now beginning to stir, I'll end my ramblings here. I realize that I didn't go into the actual differences between BDSM and abuse but I'm always happy to share my opinions (because after all, I just Know that I am usually right). Rumor has it March is Q&A month here in blog land so if you want an excuse to throw more shit at your computer, ask away lol.
Now, before everyone goes getting their panties in a twist, this post is not intended to be a dig at women in abusive relationships. It is simply my musings about consent and abuse just like the title says. My sister has become the poster board for the formation of my beliefs and I don't love her any less for it.
I will accept the concept that it is possible to be so abused that you can't tell up from down and lose the concept of what a healthy relationship is; that it is possible to be so afraid, that you stay with an abuser because of fear for your life or the lives of your children. I will not however, accept the concept that the biggest difference between BDSM and abuse is consent. Sure, no one says "lets spend the night breaking everything in our house in front of the kids while you beat the shit out of me, oh yay!" But when it comes to abuse, after a certain amount of time (the first time), staying equals consent. Before throwing things at the computer, or rushing to tell me how full of shit I am (be my guest, I haven't deleted a comment yet and don't really intend to start now), take into account how many times I have watched women go back to these shit relationships when they had gotten out and were offered every support necessary to start over without the asshole (aka abusive shit bag. Take your pick of terms, there are plenty to go around).
The long and short of it is, to be in an abusive relationship requires the consent of the abused as well as abuser. By staying with an abuser, the abused are giving their consent for the abuse to continue--whether they realize it or not. That's my opinion from both inside and outside of the situation.
I am not talking about when BDSM turns into abuse because that's not something I have any experience with and I would imagine the complications to be much deeper.
Since I have a house full of kids who are now beginning to stir, I'll end my ramblings here. I realize that I didn't go into the actual differences between BDSM and abuse but I'm always happy to share my opinions (because after all, I just Know that I am usually right). Rumor has it March is Q&A month here in blog land so if you want an excuse to throw more shit at your computer, ask away lol.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Honesty and abuse
i read a post on fetlife his morning asking about honesty and past abuse. By the time i found it, the thread had become an outright argument so i didn't bother commenting. The original question revolved around a Dom wanting his sub to be honest about past abuse and raised the premise that victims of abuse were less likely to be truthful. This is where the poster and i parted ways on our positions. In my personal experience, abuse doesn't make a sub a less honest person. It simply helps them create vaults and places to hide pain and icky experiences. It's a lot easier to be honest when you have complete trust in the fact that the person you are talking to is not going to judge or think less of you. Replies to the thread praised therapy and hollered about the evilness of using BDSM as therapy. i've been to therapy...yea, it helped some and i may not have made it to where i am today without that little bit of help. Did it help me "fix" my issues? Only in as much as it showed me i had them. The only thing that's actually helped has been ttwd. i have been pondering the different kinds of "dirty" lately, and it's not something i find easy to put into words but here goes. i spent years trying to wash off an invisible layer of filth. i felt as if i had been sullied from the inside out and nothing could make me clean again. In a way, D/s has changed that. Submitting to One, knowing that i am His filthy whore, and His alone, has created a sense of purity in me which is difficult to describe. For each experience i am there. It consumes and overwhelms me. i cannot run and hide inside the chambers of my mind. Pleasure and pain, tears and laughter, it all melds together and burns away the cobwebs of days long past.
Saturday, November 27, 2010
Disturbing things and submissive versus doormat, Dominant versus domineering
Something disturbing is happening to me...All of a sudden, when we are having sex, i can't cum when He tells me to. In fact, i can hardly cum at all. This makes me feel like i'm disappointing M because i am failing to do as i am told and freaks me out because i used to be completely unable to orgasm. The odd thing is, sex feels different. The act itself, is mind blowing...
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The other night i as i was floating dreamily in space, i asked M why He loves me. "I love you because you have free will and you choose to submit to Me little one. It's better than someone who doesn't have free will because they lack the capacity to choose. That's actually quite boring." That got me to thinking about a recent post on one of the blogs i read. About submissives, and being mindless doormats or spirited people who stand up for themselves which led me to musings of my own. The doormat does what she is told because she lacks the mental capacity to do otherwise. The conscious submissive does as she is told out of the choice to hand over her will. A doormat lacks the strength to help their Dominant, to be strong and make difficult decisions when it is needed. The spirited submissive has the ability to be her Dominants sanctuary as He is hers, she is the best person to back Him up in any given situation, and He knows He can rely on her when He needs to. This also coincides with the topic of Dominance versus domineering and the difference between BDSM and abuse. A Dominant is first and foremost in control of Himself. He enjoys the strength of His submissive. It is a direct reflection upon Himself and His abilities. A domineering wannabe looks for the doormats because He lacks the ability to truly Dominate another and he is without the capacity to control himself. He does not see the necessity in doing so. BDSM is beautiful truth. It is pure thought, pure pain, pure pleasure, pure being. The ultimate surrender. Abuse is just some asshole who likes to hit someone because he can. Thus, for him, the submissive doormat is his relationship of choice. Abuse lacks purity and clarity. It does not make a person rise to new heights or better themselves.
my philosophical musings for the day lol. Pet (my submissive life, listed over on the right) made a comment the other day pointing out that there are many wrong ways and no right way when it comes to BDSM. She's right. These are my musings, how i feel and what i see it as. i am sure some will disagree with me and that is their prerogative. i guess it's a good thing they don't have to deal with me then huh?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The other night i as i was floating dreamily in space, i asked M why He loves me. "I love you because you have free will and you choose to submit to Me little one. It's better than someone who doesn't have free will because they lack the capacity to choose. That's actually quite boring." That got me to thinking about a recent post on one of the blogs i read. About submissives, and being mindless doormats or spirited people who stand up for themselves which led me to musings of my own. The doormat does what she is told because she lacks the mental capacity to do otherwise. The conscious submissive does as she is told out of the choice to hand over her will. A doormat lacks the strength to help their Dominant, to be strong and make difficult decisions when it is needed. The spirited submissive has the ability to be her Dominants sanctuary as He is hers, she is the best person to back Him up in any given situation, and He knows He can rely on her when He needs to. This also coincides with the topic of Dominance versus domineering and the difference between BDSM and abuse. A Dominant is first and foremost in control of Himself. He enjoys the strength of His submissive. It is a direct reflection upon Himself and His abilities. A domineering wannabe looks for the doormats because He lacks the ability to truly Dominate another and he is without the capacity to control himself. He does not see the necessity in doing so. BDSM is beautiful truth. It is pure thought, pure pain, pure pleasure, pure being. The ultimate surrender. Abuse is just some asshole who likes to hit someone because he can. Thus, for him, the submissive doormat is his relationship of choice. Abuse lacks purity and clarity. It does not make a person rise to new heights or better themselves.
my philosophical musings for the day lol. Pet (my submissive life, listed over on the right) made a comment the other day pointing out that there are many wrong ways and no right way when it comes to BDSM. She's right. These are my musings, how i feel and what i see it as. i am sure some will disagree with me and that is their prerogative. i guess it's a good thing they don't have to deal with me then huh?
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