Huge and Absolutely Ridiculous Kink...Wait, Is That Even A Kink?

So umm, I've rebuilt myself fairly well, (in my own opinion, of course) however; sub me doesn't really function for shit lately. I guess maybe when you remake so much of your life you just have to take it one piece at a time?

Thing is, I've had a while now lol...

I struggle with writing about D/s in this space these days. Partly because I've been kind of stuck, but mostly because there is always the chance that one day he will drop in and read again.
This...That huge part of me that I explored with him for so long...It was the part of me he shredded the most. And I'd be lying if I said I didn't dread the potential outcome of every chance I take in opening myself back up to that. We became the opposite of the idea of BDSM which stirs my heart body and soul.

But I digress from my original train of thought...

See, I've got this Domme girl. And we've put together a life, and have both rebuilt ourselves from scratch. Together. So I have a safe and healthy space to open the door for the sub. We have been D/s for years to varying extents...We're just...I think that in a way we have both challenged each other greatly as we rebuilt, and falling back into our rhythm has been difficult...

Still digressing from my original train of thought...

All of the above meanderings stemmed from one original musing about something I have identified as a huge, and possibly absolutely ridiculous kink. And is it really even a kink?? I mean, it feels like one lol.
The feeling of safety. Physical, emotional, and spiritual safety. It's a huge turn on. And when when it's coupled with painful or terrifying things with an occasional hint of tenderness? To be tortured, yet secure in being truly treasured...Yea...That. Safety provides for the luxury of true vulnerability, and that is hot as hell to me.

Safety allows for a lowering of defenses, and I have found that it is only in the lowering all of my defenses that I become free to truly experience submission and its dangers to the fullest.

I guess...I need to fly again... To wrestle and succumb to the dragon...I just have to take the leap and believe it won't devour me completely. Or perhaps more accurately, hope that it doesn't chew me up and spit me out. After all, being devoured is itself a huge part of the appeal.

A Question of Subspace

Thanks to everyone for their responses to my plea for March queries! They should keep me busy for a while. Though, the month is long, so there's no need to stop asking now...

I am going to answer questions in the order received with possibly a couple of detours to watch the butterflies here and there ('cuz I'm good like that. Or short attention span. Whatever).

Collared Mom asked, "What, if anything, helps you get/stay in subspace?"

Because I'm so good at over-complicating things, I am going to clarify my definition of subspace (because, why simple?)

Subspace is a place that I don't think of as being desirable to stay in beyond whatever interaction induced it (though it does tend not to just disappear on cue). It's not a generally submissive feeling--more of a drugged sensation in which normal functioning is not even conceivable.

Honestly, it's been a while since I was in subspace--too much on my mind all the time. Ironically, it is about the only thing that is ever guaranteed to shut my brain up, but I digress...

Pain. Pain gets me into subspace. Now, to be clear, I don't actually like pain all that much. In fact, I'm a bit of a wimp, but it does tend to do the trick quite nicely. Though, of course, there is the little issue that pain becomes markedly more appealing from the depths of subspace...
Being pissed on. While I don't object to this one as much as I object to pain, it often has a way of taking me down quite well.
Talking. Now, this one doesn't really accomplish the goal all on its own, but...Him telling me what he's going to do to me, that I am his, etc. And then there are those terrible times when he makes me talk to. I hate it. With a passion. But...There is something about admitting/acknowledging certain things out loud, which has a way of helping my brain go to mush.
The oft dreaded enema. I feel the need not to expound on this one. Lol.
Sex. Sometimes sex gets me there. But only good choking, slapping kinky sex. The annoying thing is, I only really enjoy sex when I'm in subspace, so this one is a bit of a catch twenty-two for me.
Really, a combination of all the above seems to work the best. Sometimes it takes a lot to get there.

As to the issue of staying in subspace, it takes me so much to get there, that my struggle usually comes in crawling out of it to resume normal functioning. I think that perhaps the trick to staying there comes in going so far down that prematurely snapping out of it isn't even an option...?

As a side note...The keys on my laptop have gone completely haywire, so if I'm missing an abnormal amount of t's, the occasional c, and other random letters, please know that I have not completely lost my ability to to form semi-coherent sentences. Lol.

How Silly Is It?

I have this not so little issue...
I can't enjoy sex if I can't go into sub-space. Yes, there are plenty of times that I can get off on the fact that he is taking what he wants whether I want it or not. But it is not a given.

That space? Sometimes that space comes easy.
Sometimes I just can't go down to save my life. And I always need help to get there. No matter how badly I want it.

I was having a terrible time of it the other night, I just couldn't let go enough to really go under.
We were lying together afterwards when, in a surprisingly gentle manner, he said, "How silly is it to want to be made to do what you want to do?"

Well, if you want to put it like that...It does seem pretty damn silly.

Since when do logic and I play nicely though?

It did get me to thinking about that high maintenance need I have to be hunted, conquered, forced to do that which I do not want to do, and made to do what I wanted to do in the first place.

I realize that, for me at least, it is much easier to reconcile certain things in my mind if I can tell myself that he made me do them. Therefore absolving myself of some responsibility for events.
Not saying that is the best approach or anything, but it is a truth that I have observed myself replay time and time again.

I believe that submission must come from an inner desire that leads to a conscious choice, made of one's own free will. That choice giving one the ability to go to a place of unconscious surrender where there is no longer thought, choice, or a will of one's own--just being.

Somehow though, that belief does not cure me of the desire to be forced into what I want...

Down...

Ironically, I am discovering that letting go is an act of will. In that moment when I begin to feel myself fighting, I make myself...Not. I use my will to bend to his, make it go whatever direction his will demands. And it's a bit of a new experience...

If I don't achieve some level of space, I don't enjoy sex. The first thing he says to me is always "down" and usually it takes a little while. I need help. I need something to happen that carries me there.

Last night he wrapped his hands around my head and told me "down."

And I went.

Too far to fast.

At first I felt all floaty and high. Then I felt like I was falling and developed an immediate case of vertigo. I really thought I was going to lose my dinner right there. The room was spinning, my stomach was somewhere in the vicinity of my head, and I felt a bit like I was a few shots past drunk.

Which is why I don't drink--I don't like that feeling.

He always knows if I am in space or not. I think he felt me pulling up, pulling back, grasping for solidity in my newly spinning world.

And it took me a minute to tell him what was going on when he asked. It seemed so...Ridiculous. "Yea, you told me 'down' and I feel like I went too fast. I have a terrible case of vertigo and am feeling like I'm going to puke right here."

Because really, who does that happen to, I mean, how totally ridiculous does that sound?
I have to admit, it sounds even more ridiculous in the light of day with my feet firmly planted on the floor and my head not spinning.

I hadn't realized that it was possible for me to go so far down so fast. And I think it took Alpha a bit by surprise too.

I knew he gave me butterflies. The vertigo? Well that's a whole new ballgame. Did I mention that I'm not sure I liked it?

Stillness of Being

Being silent or doing nothing are not the same things as being still. Being physically still is not the same as stillness of being.
Life is full of shit. And sometimes, when you stop to smell the roses, you just step on thorns. And then you get swept away in the overall craziness that constitutes daily life. And the first thing to go? That all to often elusive, stillness of being.

Most of the time, I feel that I lack the ability to turn off my thoughts. My mind is always moving, questions constantly forming, brain continually on go.
D/s has helped me with a great number of personal issues; from sex to stability in daily life, to overall happiness and the way I approach life in general, to the health of my marriage and coping with past abuse. Most of all, for my mind? It brings me stillness of being.

Lately I haven't been able to clear my mind. To slow down, stop the thoughts, and just...Be.
For the most part, subspace is easy to fall into. It's always there, one step off to the side, and there I am--down into the infinite abyss.

Over the last few weeks? I reach for space and, like a breath of air, it slips through my fingers. I teeter on the edge looking down, I step off the edge, and I can't fall in. I feel it brushing against my toes, I can smell it in the air, see it in my peripheral vision, and brush lightly against it. But I cannot float in it cannot feel my being sink below the surface, cannot slide over the edge. It's not just subspace, it's our space, and when I'm on the outside looking in at Him, it's lonely for both of us.
Because that stillness of being is hard to grasp these days. My mind won't slow down enough to let go and just Be. Normally it's like a circle, starting at one point and feeding through with space comes stillness of being, with the stillness comes space--that yin and yang where each side is essential for the other sides existence and stability, where together they create completion.

Stillness of being is not the same as sitting still. It's an essential space that is part of, and essential to...space.

Energetic exchange

You hear a lot about the physical aspects of D/s and BDSM (or whatever the hell you feel like calling it, I'm not feeling to particular tonight lol), and the mental aspects even get a fair amount of attention. Rarely though do you see people talk about the energetic aspects. Maybe that's because they aren't always there? Or maybe it's not scientific and clear cut enough to get much attention? Maybe it falls into the cookoo-for-cocoa-puffs category but oh well. Frankly, I'm to tired tonight to really give a fuck who thinks what lol. Anyways, it's something I thought about all day (except for when I was sitting on the curb getting that stupid citation because my boss let his registration slide, but I'm trying to rein in my bitching). Alpha and I used to play with energy even before discovering ttwd, but not as in depth as we do now. I guess it's not really play anymore.
Energy flow changes everything. In my mind, the exchange and mutable ability of energy are as important as the mental intricacies of BDSM. Not having that would be like having the physical experience without the any mental aspects--it's just...not the same. Mental and energetic aspects are deeply entwined because they feed on each other. Thoughts focus energy, energy deepens the connection.

When I'm with Alpha he expects me to open the gates so to speak. There is a continual exchange and flow of energy which I think is a large part of what I call subspace because that's the most fitting word I have found. It's difficult to put into words, but I can feel Him and I know He feels me in a way that words don't really do justice. It's like an opening of minds to exchange more than physical contact. It is a kind of intimacy beyond sex (though, might I say, they do go very nicely together). Because what is more private than the essence of your being, the thoughts that can't be expressed because no one made words for them, the one place no one can ever really see? The only way I can think to describe it is that it feels like He steps into my mind with His own and wraps it around me kind of like waves. The more you do it the better it gets--kind of like D/s and experience.
I am well aware that there are endorphins and varies physical and scientific coolness that happens in the body during pleasure or pain or those heightened states we get into. But I don't believe that to be the only explanation.

Ttwd has enhanced our experiences with, and explorations of, energy play/exchange/whateverthefuck you wanna call it. And I wonder if it is always there for every D/s experience between everyone? At least to some extent? I'm actually curious about this so feel free to fulfill any compulsion you may have to answer that question lol. Of course, if you want to tell me I'm crazy, I will no doubt have something rude and hopefully semi-intelligent to say (the cynicism of my day hasn't worn off yet. Can you tell?), but such is life.

The problem for me is, I spent a lot of life blocking up that energetic/mental gate that comes into play with Alpha and I. Because it's hard as hell to open and close at will. We all walk around broadcasting thoughts and emotions, trying our hardest to suppress what we don't want the world to see, thinking we are hiding what's on the inside. And most of the time, it works because none of us really want to feel and know the random people we come in contact with on a daily basis. We're so closed off that we can't feel/hear/sense it anyways. Of course, there are people who do a great job of opening and closing that gate at will (I married one of them). I however, am not. At some point in life, I decided that me and everything I am was all in or all out, one way or another, black, white or orange, no gray areas or in between. Somehow, it applied to all of me lol and it impacts a lot about my life. Even my little gates and boxes (I thought they were useful and nicely wrapped, lol. He keeps breaking them down and tearing off the wrapping).

I'm really to tired to do this subject justice and I have no clue if this post even makes sense. But it was on my mind so out it came. Kind of like when the brain says "stfu" and the mouth keeps talking...

Down...

I'm an attention whore and I quit denying it some time ago. Last night I was a bit put out because Alpha had spent most of His day doing research on the car (looks like we will be looking for a new engine sometime soon. Oh yay). Anyways, I watched a scary movie (it is Not the same if He's sitting in front of the computer. I mean, like He would have time to save me from the creepies from all the way over there. Sheesh) and pouted my way towards bed. He came in and put me through the ringer for a minute wanting to know what my problem was (like He didn't know). Then He did something unusual--He rolled me over on top of Him and stroked my back until He got His answers. Much to my disgust, they were ridiculously honest--I'm an attention whore, I want most of His attention all the time (I am willing to share some with the children, they get half the rest is mine), and I'm really quite selfish about it.
I think He finds it amusing to make me admit to my attitudes now that we have reached the point where if He actually gets annoyed with me I crumple like a piece of paper (it's really the most annoying thing ever. I used to always be up for a good fight. Now, one put angry word from Him and I'm wallering around at His feet like a lost puppy. It's quite disgusting).

Somehow He turned me upside down and inside out.

Sometimes I go so far down I can't tell which way is up. Words seem like an annoyingly unnecessary, not to mention impossible, construct. Honestly, I didn't think I was going to get anywhere near there last night lol. My mind has been busy with a constant stream of worry and bitching about the realities of life as we know it.

Then somehow, I ended up so far down
that I couldn't see straight
and I couldn't tell which way was up.

I get annoyed when I'm that far down and Alpha makes me use words--assuming I'm even capable of identifying individual emotions at that point lol. I have pointed out before, that He can hear me anyways (it's the bat radar you know), so what's the point? He seems to think it has something to do with keeping me connected to reality. Pfft, reality sucks lol.

And the reality today, is that it's time for me to haul my lagging ass off to work.

Pride and humiliation

i have been thinking about pride and how i feel it ties in with humiliation. Humiliation is, by definition, something that strips away pride. For me, i view pride as a bit of a pitfall. In the context of D/s, i guess one could see it a couple of different ways. Is a sub who's to proud to kneel, to proud to beg, to proud to give over control, really a submissive? Yet, from a Dominant perspective (of which i can only theorize because i haven't asked yet lol), is a submissive without some sense of pride desirable? inmho, a sense of pride, while if to strong, can be quite detrimental, is also important for the ability to serve well. If you take no pride in your service, are you serving to the best of your abilities? i think that, as far apart as they appear, pride and humiliation are deeply entwined. As a submissive, humiliation strips me of the pride that says i am to good for something. For M (like i said, i haven't asked yet, asking leads to "lets try and find out" lol), i think He gets some of His satisfaction from my humiliation because he knows it is deeply challenged by my sense of pride, yet occurs anyways. The concept of humiliation is something many people seem to find aberrant and repulsive. The thought does make me cringe, yet even just the prospect makes me weak in the knees with that sinking sensation of sliding into subspace.
i feel it is important to point out that there is a distinct difference between humiliation and degradation. Humiliation takes a person to levels they would not normally be willing to go. It expands mental concepts and breaks down the barriers of how we like to perceive ourselves and our concepts of how we think we should be. Degradation reduces a person, it is a lowering of character, something completely designed to break another person down, to make them less than what they truly are. Degradation is, by definition, contemptuous. It is something we find acceptable only when we believe another human being is truly without worth.
And there's my spiel on pride and humiliation for the day.

Pride

Okay, this is my pre-work rambling so if it's incoherent, such is life lol. i just want to get my thoughts down before they disappear.
i was thinking about pride last night on the way home. Pride can be good. It prompts us to appreciate a job well done, it encourages us to do things right and stand behind our decisions. Pride can also be a disastrous pitfall. It prevents us from accepting help when we really need it, clouds our vision when we are questioning a judgment call, and it's the little voice in the back of the mind that says "i will not beg." i realized that i am a proud person. Then i began to wonder...why do things that strip away all sense of pride turn me on so much? Humiliation takes pride and washes it away (sometimes quite literally lol). i came to the conclusion that pride is a construct of the mind with social bearing. When i am floating in sub space, all the constructs of who i think i am, and how i believe the world should, be disappear. When i'm on my knees and M is pissing all over me, i have no pride to hide behind. When i accept that my place is at His feet i am serene in the presence of His Dominance and empty concepts of how i think things should be don't matter any more.
i was on a roll and now i have to go to work...

Puddle of confusion

If someones going to waste 5 minutes reading this post, might as well waste 10 and read the one before it or it won't make sense lol.
i have been all kind of out of sorts over the past couple of days. M had a tooth pulled without painkillers so He's in less than tip top shape right now Himself.
i can't go all the way down...when that happens, it really bothers me. A lot. i think the way i have been feeling is related to what M told me the other day. i think since it was an event that occurred so long ago, He figured it wouldn't really be something i had to work through. But it is. There are still things He misses about her, all in the bedroom granted, but that's a big part of our life, and a huge part of my submission. He said that, never for a minute, does He regret choosing me instead of her but he does think about their sex life sometimes. i wish that i could be enough for Him...Last night when we went to sleep there was actually distance between us. That hasn't happened in ages and i hate it. It doesn't help that i'm having a hard time cumming when i'm told to, which puts Him out. i can't cum without the command, but that's not enough.
It scares the shit out of me that He could go ten years without telling me. It scares the shit out of me that He owns me so completely, that i would still be His to do with as He pleased, even if He left me. It scares the shit out of me when i can't go down...

i was thinking, and yes, that almost always gets me into trouble lol, that i would like to do a really intense interrogation scene. i want to feel how deeply He owns me. Not just the fear that seems to accompany knowing that, no matter what, He will always own me. Maybe that doesn't make sense...i suppose it's possible impact on my mental state is questionable, but there's nothing like the feeling of extreme forced honesty. Being completely open and having your mind layed bare in front of the one who's opinion matters more than anything in the world.

Dreams, space, and sadists

i had so many dreams last night. i only remember one of them though. i was tripping. Sitting in M's lap and absolutely flying. The funny thing is, it's exactly how i felt before i passed out. i was so deep in space that words seemed like an unnecessary construct of mankind and 2 word sentences felt like a huge, if totally unimportant, achievement. For a few minutes, i actually thought i was going to pass out. i find it rather terrifying being that far down. Yet, at the same time, i enjoy it immensely. There is no freedom quite like losing all control and sense of self.

Being that far under is very much like edge play for me. Edge play is like 24/7 D/s--everyone has their own definition and will fight to the teeth to get someone else to come around and see that their opinion of it is correct. Personally, i define edge play as something that pushes the edges of what a person defines their limits to be. Going beyond one's personal comfort level and balancing on the precipice of that eternal abyss. For some, knife play is edge play, to me, it's just fun. For some, being so far down into space that they have no concept of reality or surroundings, and look and feel like they are on really good drugs is just fun--to me it's playing on the edge. That's why i think it's important to not allow our personal opinions define our definitions of things. Some stuff simply cannot be captured with a label, cannot be defined by the mere construct of the words we speak, cannot be placed in the various boxes we use to tell us where things belong.

Okay, my philosophical musings have been frozen out of me lol. i've been up stoking the fire for an hour and it's a whopping 58 degrees in my living room. i miss summer already.
On a more reality based note, my Husband is a sadistic bastard. i'm okay with that, and it's an affectionate insult, not a barb at His personality. i read somewhere once that most subs were attracted to and fascinated by sadists, but failed to realize that a sadist loves watching you squirm and is usually willing to go above and beyond in their efforts to get that reaction. That, far beyond physical pain, they often get off most on what makes a submissive uncomfortable and well, squirmy lol. The more M unleashes that part of myself, the more i agree with that thought. He enjoys the pleasure/pain reaction He gets from the physical aspects of it, yet finds the mental aspects much more entertaining and rewarding. The mindfuck is what gets Him off i think. me, the mental aspects just make me want to hide under a rock lol. i am sure that one day soon, i will write about the particular incident that inspired this train of thought, but i'm not feeling like that much of a masochist today lol.
For now, i'm going to go put more wood on the fire and fantasize about warm summer days in the sun...

Fantasies i try not to share with myself...

Talking with myself yesterday about my issues brought up another issue. Well, not so much an issue as a fantasy that's probably a really bad idea to play out because of my past. As much of an eye as M keeps on my mental health, i'm not even sure He would do it. Rape scenes fascinate me. Weirdly enough, i do have fantasies about rape but they all involve M saving me. That one as an acted out fantasy would be a disaster lol. It would be like signing some poor man up for execution.
By all rights, i should have no interest or curiosity in acting out rape fantasies of any kind. The thought itself should have me curled up in a ball...Yet it's there. I think it's the one fantasy i may have never shared with M (until He reads this lol). i'm not sure why i have kept this one to myself. i bury it so far down that it doesn't even occur to me when i'm in space and He's making Him share my fantasies. i mean, i have told Him of far dirtier and twisted fantasies so why is this one different? It's not because it's taboo, i mean, it's taboo to admit i'm enough of a whore that i have the fantasy of a group of men cumming all over me (yea, that one was hard to admit). Yet, at the same time, not all fantasies were meant to become reality. Just because i have a fantasy of being used by two men at once, doesn't mean i could physically or emotionally handle it. M is my gage of what i can and cannot cope with. And i'll admit, it's probably a shitty job to have. i appreciate that M is careful with my mind and heart; even when it comes to His own fantasies. He wants to play with another woman and He wants me to find her; however, He questions my ability to cope with it. He decided that it would be best to start online--i find Him someone to play with and then possibly move the fantasy to real life. i'm falling on my face with that. i started really trying--just being myself and admitting right off the bat that i'm a jealous little slut, what i'm looking for, and why. As soon as i took that route, i became far more gracefully accepting of the idea and felt less resentment. Still shitty at picking up women though lol as i have made no progress whatsoever.

Another completely unrelated thing i have been thinking about is space. Subspace, Domspace, O/our space. Last night, for some reason, i had a really hard time going down. i don't know why. i wasn't thinking about anything in particular, i didn't have something weighing on my mind, i just couldn't go down deep. M asked me why i was fighting Him, and i honestly couldn't say. He knows in an instant if i'm not in space. Its a place we share together and He's not happy if i'm not in it. A lot of people talk about subspace, some people talk about Domspace (like a rare event), but i haven't found anyone who talks about O/our space (if it's there to read and i have been blind, someone please send me the link lol). It's the place we both go when we play together. So, for us, is there subspace and Domspace, or is it all O/our space? i think that when i'm floating around the house and He's keeping me down with that sadistically pleasured glint in His eyes, i'm in subspace. When we are along together, and He's swimming in my mind, we are in O/our space...
i really need to work on my conclusions lol. Children make them near impossible.

Mind fuck

I was reading a thread on Fetlife about what is a mind fuck. Hmmm, little did I know, M does it to me all the time lol. It's a mindfuck when i'm curled up on my knees in the cold empty bathtub and M walks out of the room, leaving me waiting...for what i'm not sure, it's a mindfuck when M tells me to find Him another woman, it's a mind fuck when M makes me talk about my fantasies or the things i have done in the past without Him. There's all sorts of mindfucks.
One thing I didn't see in the thread was anything about the other kind of mind fuck. Something M is also quite fond of and it's my favorite kind. When He crawls inside my being with His mind and I can feel Him touching me without His body. His fingers caress my soul and there's the almost physical sensation of Him sliding in me. It's a real elevator ride down into space. Hmm, that ended up being a very short thought burst. Apparently just thinking about it turns my brain to mush lol.

Wrote this like a week ago. Since i doubt i will ever be able to "finish" it, i'll post it anyways lol.

Last night was painfully intense. Not so much physically, as mentally. M told me to get Him hard with words alone...When I couldn't seem to "connect that dirty mind with [your] mouth," M demanded I tell Him about the first time I had cyber sex. I couldn't remember.
M has decided that it's time for me to find another woman for Him to play with. He asked if I understood that He could only know that I really meant it when I said I would do whatever He told me to, if He actually called the bluff and I proved it. M can be a very serious human being. He is rarely as serious as He was last night. He told me that it was important I understand that everything He does is done with my best interests in mind. With His wants and desires forefront of course. By the end of the night I knew without a doubt that the day is coming where I'm tied at the foot of the bed watching Him fuck another woman. A woman I have to find. Ironically, I don't much like women. I don't mean sexually (though members of my sex don't exactly light my fire), I just find most women to be catty and intollerable. Yea I know, viciously betraying my own sex. Sadly, most of the ones worth talking to, would probably agree with me. I went to sleep and woke up feeling like my mind had been turned inside out and upside down.