Sunday, May 23, 2010

When a Dom...isn't?

I read a blog post by Sir J, about when a Dom is not. It got me thinking about this crazy month we have had here at home. Things were going really good. Then one night M worked really late and got home after one AM. He ran over our cub at the gate. The cub was an amazing animal. A five month old arctic wolf. He is now buried under a lilac bush. It devastated our boy and I. It absolutely crushed M. I was afraid He was never going to be the same again. To top it off, He is still in the process of quitting smoking and it went out the window for a few days so He had to start all over again. He has been really down since then. It's hard to watch your tower of strength crumble to the ground and come along trying to pick up the pieces when you just want to curl up in a little ball and disappear yourself. So, as a submissive, how do you cope when your world is in turmoil and your Dom is...not? I can deal with it okay for a few days at a time. We are all human and no matter our strength, we all have some of the inherent weaknesses that come with being such. And that's alright. Sometimes I wonder if being M's submissive has impacted my ability to deal with His hardships. This month has really sent me on a rocket ride from hell. I mean, I'm not completely useless. I can take up the slack and watch out for Him when He needs it. I can be strong and supportive. It's just really crushing to see Him feel weak and vulnerable for such an extended period of time. I know it's because of the cub and nicotine withdrawal, and the stress of making such a drastic move to another state to put everything we have on the line for a dream. Somehow coming to logical conclusions doesn't make things any easier though.
M is my best friend, my lover, my Master, my confidante, my life. I feel alone because I know I need to be keeping my stresses to myself right now and I have no one else to share them with.
Okay, after wallowing in self-pity a bit more, and re-reading this post, I figured out wth is going on with me these days (I doubt it will last, I had the purpose of life worked out several months ago. It lasted one whole week!). M has always been strong. In our almost 12 years together, we have never endured times like these inside a D/s relationship. M has told me I am His strength. That when He read for me in the beginning, Strength was the card given Him. He says it has held true and lord knows, I try. The funny thing is, M has become the gage by which I decide all is alright with my world. If He's good, it's good.


Sometimes submission is a struggle for me. I read these stories by women "I always agree, I never rebel, whatever He wants whenever He wants it", and so on and so forth. I don't know what to think about that sometimes. I'm not like that...I generally Try to be, but inevitable life's circumstances will send me back into my mode of questioning and dissecting everything. When it comes to submitting sexually, it's not usually a struggle (note that I said "usually" lol). But when it comes to daily life and things that worry me or make me mad, it feels like a whole different boat. M is out of town again and we had a little tiff on the phone. There has been some conflict with the people he is setting our move up with. This makes me concerned because it's our life and our kids future's. In situations like this I have a tendency to get irritated and question M's decisions because people make me mad and He tends to be fair to the point of being unfair to Himself and His family. Yea, I was pushing for Him to tell me what happened and He told me to quit "prying." I got mad. Sigh. I felt like He was telling me not to pry into my own life. He's going to be working hard and so am I. The difference is, He loves what He is going to do, and I hate what I have to do but agreed to it because I have the skills and it will go a long way towards buying this house if we can live off money I make and put His income into the house. I have grown up enough to realize that if things aren't set up in a way we both like and feel is fair, then I am going to be really put out about the massive amount of work I will have to do. When I'm living in a constant state of irritated/pissed, life sucks for me and everyone who has to be around me. Not saying that's a great character trait or anything, just that I know myself and try to catch my issues before they flare up. I just feel like we are floating in limbo while He makes sure everyone else's family is happy. I'm tired of being in limbo and, while it's one of the things I love about Him, I wish M would look out for His/our own interests more than those of other people.
To top it off, when we talked on the phone last night, M sounded awful. He said He didn't feel well and He really sounded ill. That made me feel bad for being argumentative, and worried about His health. Yet it also made me more mad at the same time because He is doing everything for them while they sit on their asses.

Sunday, May 16, 2010

One can always fantasize...

You walk through the door. I have been waiting for this moment for what feels like years. In reality it has been little more than a week. You pull me into the gentle embrace I long for. You kiss me gently and brush my hair back from my face. "Did you miss me little one?" That wicked little smile creeps onto Your face as Your hands tighten in my hair. Your eyes tell me I belong on the floor and I sink to my knees. I cannot live without seeing that loving look in Your eyes. The wicked glint that follows makes me shake in anticipation of what is to come...
Oh for fuck's sake. I'm not finishing this. I'll just wait for it to happen. "Grins."

Just two more days...

I have no idea if You read this while you are on the road. If I had to guess, I would say you probably don't because you are working. Last night was by far the worst yet since You left. I found myself sitting up at one in the morning, contemplating how fragile and temporary life is and how life can be destroyed in a matter of seconds. I miss You, and I don't do well without you. Every time the phone rings I run for it, hoping to hear Your voice on the other end. Your amazing being and submitting to You keeps me sane. They say that home is where the heart is. I guess this displaced feeling I am having means You are where home is because my heart is always with You. Our house just doesn't feel like home when you are gone. Meh, I'm full of sappy insecurities and longing today. I need to feel Your ownership, Your hands, hear Your commands as you sink inside me...I miss You.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

I miss you...

It's been a whopping 26 hours since You went out of town and I must say it feels like time has slowed to a crawl. The stupid thing is, You won't be back until Saturday or Sunday. I know it's not as if we spend every waking minute together, far from it in fact. Just knowing that I won't hear Your footsteps at the door, feel Your hands in my hair, won't look into Your eyes and sleep with my head on Your shoulder, makes me feel lonely and stressed. I guess absence makes the heart grow fonder, but I think I'm already fond enough lol. I am going to be spending a lot of time at home on my own while You complete the arrangements for our move. I miss you. I get sucked into a revolving circle of worry pretty quickly when I don't have You there to tell me to cut it out. I need You always in all ways. You are my strength, my dreams, my Master, my love, my life.
I love you more than I love living, even when the living's good. I need you more than you will ever know.
My lovely master,
How long I have craved
To lie in the strength of your arms
To bend to your will
To submit to your rule
How terrifying it is
To follow your command
To accept your demands
To be your whore
How much I love
Being your little one
Lying on your shoulder
Obeying your will
How hard it is for me
To be your possession
To follow your command
To bend to the will of your hand
You give me what I need
You own me and set me free
My soul rests on your shoulders
You hold my heart in your hands
Thank you
For letting me be
Your little one
For not giving up on me
When I say “me my mine”
Thank you
For loving me and letting me be yours
For keeping me
Owning me
And setting me free