Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Issues and randomness

Okay, it took an hour this morning to get my blog to let me post. Now it is letting me post (I think...).

I read a post a while back (normally I get off my lazy ass and make a link if I don't have the blog listed, but I can't find it), by a Dom, talking about being a good Dom. He had me in agreement for a while, then I came to  particular line and the writer and I parted in our beliefs--he stated that a Dom must, above all, never show weakness to his submissive. Now, this is a broad statement and if I could find my way back to that particular blog, I would probably ask it's writer to clarify his definition of weakness. Weak as in a pushover that lets the sub get away with murder? Then by all means, we are back on the same page. Weakness in the way that we are all subject to the human condition and everyone needs a place to hide their head sometimes? Then our opinions part ways again. I suppose it depends on the relationship. If you are married or in it for the long haul, isn't never showing weakness a terrible burden, a wall within an otherwise deep connection? And is the human need for occasional comforting and a shoulder to lean on really weakness, or is it simply a facet of being alive?

We are largely defined by our expectations. And usually, those expectations shape what we want and get out of our relationships. Do I expect Alpha to be strong, to be my shelter in the storm, to make sense in a world without reason, do be my pillar of strength in a crumbling tower? Yes. Do I expect that He will occasionally need a shoulder to lean on, a rock to hide under when life becomes overwhelming, a place to lay His head and rest? I do. He is, after all, human too. If I couldn't provide those things on the rare occasion that He does need them, I wouldn't be worthy of His Dominance. I would be weak and useless. Our relationship would lack the strength and bond that is necessary to survive this brutal world. He would be lonely. I have noticed that it does seem to get a bit lonely up there. And what if you were so far up at the top that no one could reach you, that the world rested on your shoulders alone while at the side of your loved one? I think that would make a relationship less than fulfilling.

Okay, I really did have some coherent thoughts on this subject, but my blog issues threw me off my philosophical track lol.

Sunday, March 27, 2011

The Game

My dad taught me how to play chess when I was 7 years old. It took me months of playing every day to beat him once. Then many more months after that to repeat my victory. Alpha and I taught our eldest to play when he was 4. He can win now when he's paying attention.

I still remember the first time Alpha and I played chess. I won. And He was surprised to say the least because He's good. Very good. Then I lost, several times lol. I'm not a gracious loser and He's a less than gracious winner (I mean, my pride is already wounded, there's really no need to rub it in is there?). We eventually got to the point where we simply would not play each other. It was so bad that we couldn't even be in a room with people learning how to play--we would each pick a player to mentor and it would deteriorate to the two of us squabbling over the board while the players themselves tried to disappear into the furniture regretting their questionable choice in having asked for assistance in the first place (hey, nobody wants to lose right, they could have been more appreciative and less squirmy you know).

Nowadays Alpha and I play the occasional game of chess. I'm more gracious about losing because I appreciate being Dominated by someone who can not only match me mentally, but win as well. He's a slightly more gracious winner (only slightly, I did say some posts back that the man is arrogant). I'm, well, I am about the same when winning as I was before--I figure I earned all my gloating by fighting for it tooth and nail. Though, perhaps I do rub it in a bit less than I used to. When He's on the losing end...Well, He's a bit less rabid about it. But only because He can guarantee me an ass whipping of another sort afterward lol.

Anyways, experiences aside, it's a wonderful game. It's not about luck, it's about strategy and skill. It's about the ability to plan ahead without getting so caught up in your plan that you lose sight of what's happening on the board because the game is always changing. Pieces move, some leave the board, one moment of inattention will cost you the game, and there's no taking moves back. It's about being passionate enough to invest your mind fully in the game, yet still achieving some level of detachment as you watch your castles fall and your knights get their heads chopped off (see, it really does reflect real life! Told you so). Because without the passion, it is not possible to develop your skills. And without the detachment, it is not possible to apply those skills (ahem, see any similarities between chess and D/s here?). Not that detachment is my strong point or anything...
You often learn more by losing than you do by winning. And if you consider yourself to be a good player, despite the sting of losing, you give more respect each time your opponent wins. Kind of like being submissive--the wrong move will cost you dearly, but the losses are acceptable because your Dominant is worthy of the wins. And, well, you do tend to learn more when you lose lol.

Saturday, March 26, 2011


 Life is very much about knowledge. It comes in the forms of learning and experience. And hopefully, if we are paying attention, we learn from our experiences. Knowledge is priceless. Knowledge is power. The value we place on it is dependent upon that which we find to be most important in our lives. However, it loses power if not applied. All the knowledge in the world is completely useless if it is not used. The greatest and most heinous things on this earth have been created by it in one form or another.

Knowledge takes many forms and we seek it for many different reasons. That which I find valuable, might, to the next person, seem inconsequential and meaningless. It is when we reach the point of realizing that we know nothing, that we become capable of gaining knowledge. That's one of the reasons why being a teenager is such an angst ridden time--when you think you know everything, you are incapable of truly knowing anything.

Gaining knowledge is an ongoing process of learning and growth that continues until we die. If it doesn't, we become stagnant. Our growth and evolution is stunted and we are unable to live up to our full potential as human beings. How we apply what we know determines who we are. It's not always so much about the knowing, as it is about what we do with that knowledge.

Knowledge is power. Over time, Alpha has amassed a great amount of knowledge about me--who I am, what I like, the things that make me squirm, the way I'm going to react in any given situation, all the various little nuances that make me tick and encompass who I am as a person. And He applies that knowledge consistently.

Ttwd, is very much about knowledge. Not just in the physical sense, any idiot can learn how to flick a whip or tie knots (though it's good to know what one is doing to avoid physical damage). It is about the amazing abilities of the mind to apply what it learns and knows to Dominate or submit to another human being.
We dance in a delicate rhythm--He leads, I follow. Sometimes I step on His toes or try to dance to a different song. But He always brings me back in step. Occasionally He changes the music and moves our dance to a different tune. But it all forms around the knowledge He has about Himself and me. Who we are and where we are going.

Knowledge is infinite truth and possibility just waiting to be explored.

And that's it for my philosophical ramblings today lol.

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Powerful Experiences

I was going to say that I feel ten years younger. But I'm far to tired and achy to be eighteen again, so I'll settle for five years younger.
 I held out the glass of awful icky liquid, "take another gulp." He glared at me, "you're a mean cruel horrible wretched bitch!" I grinned back in agreement and offered the suggestion that for every drink He took, we could work our way alphabetically through five of the nasty rude names He wanted to call me (in all fairness, that test prep crap really was the most awful tasting stuff ever and the taste seemed to be the least of it's drawbacks). He opted out of doing it in alphabetical order.
In the end, the tests were done and everything came back good. In my personal opinion, any doctor that bounces into a room and suggests that you have some horrible incurable disease and he just needs a couple of tests to confirm his theory, should be lynched. I wanted to send the man hate mail for freaking the ever living shit out of me. But it doesn't matter what he thought. Because he was wrong. And Alpha is going to be fine. My world's okay. Because no matter how far the sky falls, as long as He's there, it doesn't matter what life decides to throw out. We're still in heaps of debt, my job still sucks, family is still a pain in the ass. But I think that I am the happiest I have been in a very long time. Because when it comes right down to the bare realities of existence and life--none of that really matters.

I have been thinking about powerful experiences.
I think that the most powerful experiences in life are the ones that are capable of bringing us the most intense feeling and emotions from opposite ends of the spectrum. They are the ones that bring us the greatest joy and offer the largest capacity for sadness. Kind of like a pleasure/pain paradigm. Love is similar. It is one of the most powerful experiences we will have in our time line between the experiences of birth and death.

Alpha and I used to occasionally debate whether it was better to have loved and lost or never loved at all. I took the stance that it was better to have never loved at all and He vehemently disagreed. After months of ruminating on the topic, I have come to the conclusion that, when we fall in love, whether it is a conscious decision or not, we have decided that it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. We accept that it offers a paradigm of opposites. And if we are lucky, we don't experience loss to great extremes, but if we do, it is worth it because we will have known one of the most powerful experiences of humankind.

My back's out again and I feel like crap. But I am happier than I have been in ages. Because the love around which my world revolves, is going to be with me for a very long time. And it is worth every bit of risk to live one of the most powerful experiences of all--love.

Sunday, March 20, 2011


Alpha got me an inversion table for my birthday because the Dr recommended it for my back. He put it together last night and I think it's safe to say, that a large part of it's use will have absolutely nothing to do with the condition of my back.

Saturday, March 19, 2011

On-off switch and a question

I swear I have this little on-off switch in my brain. It quite annoyingly operates completely independently of the rest of my brain--apparently, I have no control over it whatsoever. Alpha does--though He's never trying to turn it off and sometimes it takes a ridiculous amount of effort for Him to turn it on. Lately, I have been...off. I think this is due in no small part to the sky--specifically its close proximity to my head and its new penchant for dropping boulders out of the blue.
Before people start suggesting breaking out the spoons and artillery lol, it has nothing to do with our "sharing" discussion (I don't share well with others. Maybe it's a side effect of being an only child lol).
The more stress, the more "off" my little switch turns.

Anyways, on-off switches and falling sky's aside, littlemonkey sent out a question the other day:

"How much physical damage is too much, for you? What are your limits on that? How much is too much? Where do you and yours draw the line? Bad bruising, welts, drawing blood, marks lasting a few days , or a few weeks, permanent scarring? What are your feelings on this topic?"

Hhmmm, I don't bruise easily, so anything that leaves a bruise has to be pretty rough. Occasionally Alpha teases me that He will just have to try harder next time. But I think He appreciates the marks that fade by morning or at least within a few days--He gets the satisfaction of seeing the fruits of His labor (translation: my pain and suffering), but no lasting concerns that it was a bit to much. Bruising is more a result of impact (I've seen some of those pictures littlemonkey, so I know you know all about it lol) and besides fingerprints on my skin for several days, impact activities don't factor in much for us.
While there is a nice assortment of knives in our toy box, bloodletting and scarring never come into play. Neither bloodletting or scarring are activities I would enjoy or am curious to experience. Though I wouldn't mind the lasting marks from such--they would just be a reminder to wear with pride. I doubt Alpha would be happy if He drew blood (which for my body equals scarring so the two activities would be one and the same for us). I think He feels that it would be excessive harm and it's His responsibility to draw the line right before that step. He doesn't find blood or the process of drawing it a turn-on, and I'm not really interested in being on the receiving end of such activities lol so there's no real appeal there.

Thursday, March 17, 2011


Occasionally, when the little one has a meltdown, I tease him a little about the sky falling. I have decided that from now on, I will stick to the old standby "is it bleeding?"

Because clearly--the sky is falling. And I would swear that it's full of very large rocks lol.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Filtering and fried fuses

Alpha asked me last night, what my blog would be like if He didn't read it, how much I filter myself knowing that He is going to read every word I write. My firs response was denial--it would be the same. Then I thought about it for a minute, and it really wouldn't be the same. It would probably be even less entertaining than it is now. Full of worries about Him and everything else. But mostly there would be a lot more worry about Him. Why do I filter myself when it comes to that? Because He's the only rock I have and I feel like that's a two way street. No one wants to get up every morning and read pages of drivel containing fears and concerns about their well-being.
So I guess I do filter myself sometimes because I know He is going to read it. Just not, perhaps, in the ways He may have thought.

The original question was prompted by the fact that He went blog browsing yesterday and it's a crazy world out here. Depending on where you end up, it can be just as conducive to cynicism as fetlife at it's worst. At first I thought, "damn, I'm losing my morning coffee spot but alright." Then I started thinking, crap, why do subs (completely pointing the finger away from myself tyvm), always write about bad things like soap as lube and scenes that go five steps beyond where I'm at? I mean, it's really a breeding ground for catching bad ideas out here lol.

On a completely unrelated note, I was out of sync yesterday. It wasn't a bad day, I was just...off. And I didn't come out of it until around 11 PM. By then it was to late to do any good lol. Passing out at one, I was woken by the little guy at 1:30, 2:00, 2:30,3;00, you get the picture. And my currently least favorite sil, decided it would be a good idea to call at 8:00 this morning. She's leaving today and wants to play happy family for the afternoon. I just wanted sleep lol.

I have been thinking about the difference between possessiveness and jealousy.  Possessive is secure and mostly sane, it doesn't come with unwelcome emotions that are horribly difficult to control. It is about Knowing something belongs to you and being secure and confidant in that belief. Jealousy is insecurity at it's best. I comes with all sorts of horrid emotions and confusion. I have a bad case of both (I don't care if people think that makes sense or not). Alpha, well, He's just possessive and it works quite well for him.

Anyways, I'm not sure why I was so off kilter yesterday. Maybe it was because I'm worried about tomorrow. Though, Alpha pointed out that any day we talk about Him fucking another woman, I generally have a bad day. He said that the biggest reason He hasn't already done it is because He doesn't want to hurt me, or us, or our dynamic. Which I do appreciate. He also seems to think my fuses are easily fried. He said He's afraid I'll blow one and it might be irreparable. And at the time, I did feel like my wires were running a little hot (not in a good way). It's funny (well, not really but, why not), how He can say something, and what He says He means and what I hear are not the same thing. He said that He was afraid to bring home the "sweet cute little checkout girl" because I was "mean and horrible and might make her go commit suicide" (see, special effort not to filter just because I know You're going to glare at me). Now, sentences like that don't sit well on my mental scales to say the least. He went on to say that He didn't mean I was a horrible person (ahem, repeats previous sentence ten time in my head*), but that I had a tendency to share my displeasure freely (well, that's not the exact words He used, but I remembered the other ones just fine lol). 
Of course, it didn't help that the whole conversation occurred after He had teased me that I should go out and chop up all the wood because I "need the exercise anyways." Wtf...I was going to say the exercise bit myself actually, but it was way different because He said it. Which of course He just had to point out afterward lol. It's kind of odd how how He can tease me all day long and it kind of just rolls off. But as soon as He touches on one of my insecurities, everything changes.

Long story short, He reeled me back into my place by talking to me for half an hour and then we watched a sci-fi movie with poor plot. All in all, it really was a pretty good day and it ended good too. Well, except for that whole, up every half hour all night long bit lol.

Monday, March 14, 2011

Conceptual realization

Most things start out as concepts. A concept is pretty easy to deal with--it's abstract, it's construct is not necessarily set in reality, and it is not solid or set in stone.
When you start taking concepts and turning them into reality however, that's when things can start to get sticky. Sure, the concept of being owned is great--it's hot, it's safety, it's intimacy, it's hanging over the edge and thinking about staring your limits in the face. When you begin to put that concept into practice though, things are a little bit different. After all, everyone must function within reality even if we are creating our own reality as we go.
In practice, you realize that being owned means that someone Else will largely be responsible for shaping your reality. And, of course, if the shape it takes is always to your liking, then it's not really someone else shaping things is it? So naturally, taking a concept and turning it into a reality is not always comfortable or easy. Looking out at your limits from the safety of thought is easy. Being pushed to the edge and brought back right before you fall into a bottomless abyss--not so much.

I had lots of concepts when we first began exploring D/s. And they were comfortable. They told me where I thought my limits were, what I thought things would be like, who I thought I would be. Over the years, that has all been challenged. Alpha has done and said things to me that I never thought He would or could. My limits were not what I thought they were, and I am no longer who I was before. To say that I don't have limits would be a lie. To say that I have the limits He sets, now that would be true. Are some of them way beyond my happy zone? Hell yes. If they weren't would I be getting pushed out of my little box at all? Absolutely not. Yet another thing that was far more easy as a concept than a reality.

I guess my point is that we get carried away with concepts, ideas, things that sound good in theory. Taking those concepts and making them a reality can be an incredible experience, but nothing is as easy to do as it is to think about. The lovely thing about concepts is that they can lead to some truly incredible experiences. They are like seeds--without the seed, and dirt, and water, and sunlight, the willingness to grow into and through hardship and weather, they cannot grow. But given the proper care and attention, concepts can lead to things that will sustain you in ways well beyond their humble beginnings.

Just take a deep breath and look before you leap. Because when it comes to the concept of D/s, once it's realized, someone else will be deciding when and where you leap and whether or not you get to breath and look first.

Sunday, March 13, 2011

The need to please

Last night Alpha decided to make hot chocolate. You know, the kind that actually requires combining ingredients and (apparently) following a certain process. Now, unless I have just stumbled in from work, it's very difficult for me to keep out of it when He's doing something in the kitchen. Maybe that's because I think it's my job, maybe because I think it's my kitchen, maybe I just feel bad that He's doing something when He doesn't have to. Either way, I decided to help.
Ahem, it was less than successful. Since I was standing there holding a gallon of milk in anticipation He sighed at me and said He would need four cups of milk after it boiled for two minutes. I would swear the "after it boils for two minutes" was silent. And I proceeded to add the milk. He glared at me. "I said After it boils for two minutes. Now it's not going to come out right. You don't listen." Now, I have gotten used to the fact that fighting is no fun any more. It's just not, He glowers, I cry, no entertainment value whatsoever. I was, however, not prepared for the sudden urge to cry at His extremely displeased reaction. So I'm standing in the kitchen, staring at the floor and thinking "wtf?!!!! This is NOT the kind of crap you cry about." Naturally, I tried to slink away and hide my completely unnatural and personally irritating reaction. Of course, Mr. friggin bat radar was having none of it. Though He did quit glaring long enough to point out that, while He wasn't pleased, it also wasn't the end of the world.
Later, lying in bed, I told Him that it really bothered me that I was o upset over His displeasure. He told me it was actually a good thing. That I was moving beyond the stage where pleasing Him was simply a want, to a place where it had become a need. And that was as it should be.

Personally, I think it sucks. But I'm still foaming at the mouth over other shit, so what do I know lol.

Consideration--all rant, nothing fun

This isn't a post about consideration in a D/s context. This isn't an interesting post. In fact, it's one of those that comes with a "bitching" disclaimer where I direct my readers to the blogs on the right who, no doubt, have far more interesting things to say today.

This post is about consideration (or complete lack thereof) of family. My son has spent the last two days moping around and crying randomly. Why? Because his aunt is leaving and she was supposed to come visit two days ago. Every time the phone rang, he would jump up and run to it saying "is it aunt_____?!! And it never was. So I let him call her this morning, you know to see if the supremely considerate bitch had any intention of seeing him. And she did, tomorrow. For one day. She's visiting her sister nearby now. So I threw a bunch of clothes in my kids pack, tossed a hairbrush at him, and sent him off with his dad who will drop him off at grandma's to be collected later by his clueless and uncaring aunt so that he can wiggle in an extra day with her.
Now, I have always been of the opinion that adults tend to do what they want (taking out of the equation, those of us who have accepted that we will not be allowed to do whatever the hell we want lol) and when you're on your own, you will live your life as you see fit. However, there is this small issue--when my kid is this sad, and it's directly attributable to the actions of someone who wants to act like everything is just peachy, I feel a bit like...That rabid bitch down the street who enjoys eating unwary humans for brunch (yea, that's me, hi again).
Sometimes, we have to admit to ourselves that something is not okay. Denying it is, well, it's how I end up out in the yard losing all semblances of self control and shoving just how-not-okay things are down the throat of the person in denial. Now, when such situations arise, Alpha is the person who (sometimes quite literally), throws me over His shoulder and hauls me off kicking and screaming to simmer down. He's the one who sits me out in the yard until I quit foaming at the mouth and going for blood. This time...He has no interest in muzzling me. So, in the best interests of the kiddo actually getting some quality time with his aunt, Alpha told me to tell her not to bother coming for a visit and to keep the kiddo until she leaves. Which puts me in the position of ineffectively fuming away at the phone and telling her yet again, that it really is not okay. Conversations like that are so much better conducted in the yard. At the top of one's voice. While the object of displeasure stares at you in horror and eventually has no choice but to admit that shit is quite unarguably, unequivocally, completely--not okay.
Alpha dedicated 18 years of His life to making sure His little sisters were okay. He is the Only person on earth who has been there for them through thick and thin since the day they were born. For years He made decisions and sacrifices entirely in the interests of their well-being. Yet neither of them can take a moment, to realize and admit that His kid has feelings, and they're hurt. And everything is really just not ohfuckingkay. So there's my rant.
It's just me and the little little guy who spent an hour screaming that he wants his dad (making me feel like a kidnapper poorly disguised as mom). So who knows, maybe I will have another rant after I talk to the little bitch aunt. Or maybe, if I clean a lot beforehand, I will have medicated my rabid state enough to have something interesting to say about the events of last night. Which was really my plan for a post this morning.

Saturday, March 12, 2011

It's not "unwritten" anymore!

Okay, so three posts in one day is really getting out of hand I know lol. However, I just had to say--Alpha finally did a post on the blog I made Him ages ago. And yes, I liked it, and I did move Him up from the bottom of the page lol.

Hear the smirk

I think that every sub is familiar with the smirk. You know, the one that says He's all self satisfied and shit but you're the one who will be paying full price for it with no discounts? Well, damned if you can't hear it too. I don't even have to be looking at Him to know that He's smirking at me. I can hear it in His voice, look up, and sure as shit, there it is. Never bodes well. Especially coming from a man who apparently thinks Himself depraved deprived after a few nights off for one overworked, under-caffeinated, neurotic sweet little submissive. I'm thinking it's going to be a longgg night. Of course, we don't have enough coffee for me to make another cup...Best to save it for tomorrow so my children survive the morning lol.

Say what you want

"Say what you want. Admit it." Attempting, quite unsuccessfully, to squirm my way out of it, I gave in and admitted "I'm at the point of withdrawal where I want to exert independence." Okay, partially there but not quite completely lol. "I want to be Dominated, beat, humiliated. Owned"
Bastard. Happy now?
An hour later I''m squeaking my way across the kitchen in a futile attempt to avoid being swatted like a mosquito with a rolled up magazine. And I'm thinking, this total honesty shit is fucked up!

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Energetic exchange

You hear a lot about the physical aspects of D/s and BDSM (or whatever the hell you feel like calling it, I'm not feeling to particular tonight lol), and the mental aspects even get a fair amount of attention. Rarely though do you see people talk about the energetic aspects. Maybe that's because they aren't always there? Or maybe it's not scientific and clear cut enough to get much attention? Maybe it falls into the cookoo-for-cocoa-puffs category but oh well. Frankly, I'm to tired tonight to really give a fuck who thinks what lol. Anyways, it's something I thought about all day (except for when I was sitting on the curb getting that stupid citation because my boss let his registration slide, but I'm trying to rein in my bitching). Alpha and I used to play with energy even before discovering ttwd, but not as in depth as we do now. I guess it's not really play anymore.
Energy flow changes everything. In my mind, the exchange and mutable ability of energy are as important as the mental intricacies of BDSM. Not having that would be like having the physical experience without the any mental aspects--it's just...not the same. Mental and energetic aspects are deeply entwined because they feed on each other. Thoughts focus energy, energy deepens the connection.

When I'm with Alpha he expects me to open the gates so to speak. There is a continual exchange and flow of energy which I think is a large part of what I call subspace because that's the most fitting word I have found. It's difficult to put into words, but I can feel Him and I know He feels me in a way that words don't really do justice. It's like an opening of minds to exchange more than physical contact. It is a kind of intimacy beyond sex (though, might I say, they do go very nicely together). Because what is more private than the essence of your being, the thoughts that can't be expressed because no one made words for them, the one place no one can ever really see? The only way I can think to describe it is that it feels like He steps into my mind with His own and wraps it around me kind of like waves. The more you do it the better it gets--kind of like D/s and experience.
I am well aware that there are endorphins and varies physical and scientific coolness that happens in the body during pleasure or pain or those heightened states we get into. But I don't believe that to be the only explanation.

Ttwd has enhanced our experiences with, and explorations of, energy play/exchange/whateverthefuck you wanna call it. And I wonder if it is always there for every D/s experience between everyone? At least to some extent? I'm actually curious about this so feel free to fulfill any compulsion you may have to answer that question lol. Of course, if you want to tell me I'm crazy, I will no doubt have something rude and hopefully semi-intelligent to say (the cynicism of my day hasn't worn off yet. Can you tell?), but such is life.

The problem for me is, I spent a lot of life blocking up that energetic/mental gate that comes into play with Alpha and I. Because it's hard as hell to open and close at will. We all walk around broadcasting thoughts and emotions, trying our hardest to suppress what we don't want the world to see, thinking we are hiding what's on the inside. And most of the time, it works because none of us really want to feel and know the random people we come in contact with on a daily basis. We're so closed off that we can't feel/hear/sense it anyways. Of course, there are people who do a great job of opening and closing that gate at will (I married one of them). I however, am not. At some point in life, I decided that me and everything I am was all in or all out, one way or another, black, white or orange, no gray areas or in between. Somehow, it applied to all of me lol and it impacts a lot about my life. Even my little gates and boxes (I thought they were useful and nicely wrapped, lol. He keeps breaking them down and tearing off the wrapping).

I'm really to tired to do this subject justice and I have no clue if this post even makes sense. But it was on my mind so out it came. Kind of like when the brain says "stfu" and the mouth keeps talking...

Capable hands...and some random bitching

I got a comment yesterday from Histoy, that really got me thinking. She said "it looks like you are in some very capable hands."
When it comes to all the serious life shit, I trust Alpha more than I trust myself. He's the person I run to for an opinion, a shoulder to cry on, a sense of right and wrong. You know, the place to go when I need someone to tell me it's Not okay to go all rabid bitch on random and irritating people lol. In many ways, He's my moral compass and how capable He is makes me love Him more.
I have spent a long time questioning and scrutinizing the judgment of everyone around me, including myself. I think that questioning is good. It keeps us from accepting things on blind faith and makes us look below the surface of things. But at what point does that questioning become an activity that is not beneficial? And where is it best to draw the line of who and how often you question? Hmmm, full of brilliant realizations this morning lol.

On a completely unrelated note, I will now be moving on to bitching about my lovely job. I had hoped to put in my notice next week and be gone by April, but that's just not going to work for us financially so it looks like I'm hanging on a bit longer. The thing is, I gots to get the fuck out of there before my boss gets me into deep shit. The latest fiasco revolves around pain meds (many of them do). I pick up his prescriptions for him. Lots of controlled substances. I give my id every time. I go back and count them out into weeks for him. Last month he took his 28 day supply in 2 weeks. Got more. Ran out early, and said "we counted wrong." On to this month. He has me count them out again to see how short he is (again). Then he tells me that the doctor refilling the prescription is going to tell the pharmacy that he needs more because of "attendant error." I resisted the urge to say "like hell she is!" went to clean the urinals, returned and informed him that when I called her to give her the amount he's short I would be telling her that, under no circumstance, was it acceptable to tell the pharmacy he's been going through pain meds like water due to errors on my part. Because the last thing I need is for them to think that I'm lifting his pills.
The sad thing is, this is actually one of the least serious ways he has tried to put my ass on the line.
On the bright side, Alpha may be able to pick up some work before I go postal and am known as "that woman who offed the sick dude." Lol.

Wednesday, March 9, 2011


I'm an attention whore and I quit denying it some time ago. Last night I was a bit put out because Alpha had spent most of His day doing research on the car (looks like we will be looking for a new engine sometime soon. Oh yay). Anyways, I watched a scary movie (it is Not the same if He's sitting in front of the computer. I mean, like He would have time to save me from the creepies from all the way over there. Sheesh) and pouted my way towards bed. He came in and put me through the ringer for a minute wanting to know what my problem was (like He didn't know). Then He did something unusual--He rolled me over on top of Him and stroked my back until He got His answers. Much to my disgust, they were ridiculously honest--I'm an attention whore, I want most of His attention all the time (I am willing to share some with the children, they get half the rest is mine), and I'm really quite selfish about it.
I think He finds it amusing to make me admit to my attitudes now that we have reached the point where if He actually gets annoyed with me I crumple like a piece of paper (it's really the most annoying thing ever. I used to always be up for a good fight. Now, one put angry word from Him and I'm wallering around at His feet like a lost puppy. It's quite disgusting).

Somehow He turned me upside down and inside out.

Sometimes I go so far down I can't tell which way is up. Words seem like an annoyingly unnecessary, not to mention impossible, construct. Honestly, I didn't think I was going to get anywhere near there last night lol. My mind has been busy with a constant stream of worry and bitching about the realities of life as we know it.

Then somehow, I ended up so far down
that I couldn't see straight
and I couldn't tell which way was up.

I get annoyed when I'm that far down and Alpha makes me use words--assuming I'm even capable of identifying individual emotions at that point lol. I have pointed out before, that He can hear me anyways (it's the bat radar you know), so what's the point? He seems to think it has something to do with keeping me connected to reality. Pfft, reality sucks lol.

And the reality today, is that it's time for me to haul my lagging ass off to work.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Formspring # 4

"How did you get so good at writing this blog? And how long did it take you to get so many followers?"

Ooh, flattery with a price lol. Alright, I'll bite.
They say that beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so I guess a good read is all in the mind of the person doing the reading lol. I just write about shit that matters to me. Amazingly enough, there are apparently people out there in the world who find it worth reading.
About the followers, as of today, I have been writing this blog for one year (happy blogaversarry to me. Maybe I'll actually come up with something decent to say lol). If you do some looking around, you will see that, in the grand scheme of things, I don't actually have that many followers. It's a pretty modest number as far as blogs go. I guess they just enjoy my drivel?

On a side note about Formspring, I really don't like how it never shows names (regardless of whether someone asks anonymously or not). So unless you actually care about being anonymous, I would appreciate questioners signing their questions.

Monday, March 7, 2011


Say what you will about sexy, everyone has there own definition. I just have to say, there's nothing quite as sexy as a big man willing to sleep on a foldout couch completely squished between to small children so that His wife can get some sleep.

Consent and abuse

Consent is one of those topics that gets a fair amount of time under the limelight. A lot of people say that the biggest difference between BDSM and abuse is consent. I disagree. Even abusive relationships require consent. Now, I'm sure this will get plenty of people up in arms sputtering away and running to tell me how wrong I am and that's fine. But I'm still going to think I'm right lol. So slander my opinions if you want but this is an area where they are not going to change. I have spent far to much time on the phone in the middle of the night and watching Alpha go pack up their shit to believe that abuse does not require some form of consent from the abused partner.

Now, before everyone goes getting their panties in a twist, this post is not intended to be a dig at women in abusive relationships. It is simply my musings about consent and abuse just like the title says. My sister has become the poster board for the formation of my beliefs and I don't love her any less for it.

I will accept the concept that it is possible to be so abused that you can't tell up from down and lose the concept of what a healthy relationship is; that it is possible to be so afraid, that you stay with an abuser because of fear for your life or the lives of your children. I will not however, accept the concept that the biggest difference between BDSM and abuse is consent. Sure, no one says "lets spend the night breaking everything in our house in front of the kids while you beat the shit out of me, oh yay!" But when it comes to abuse, after a certain amount of time (the first time), staying equals consent. Before throwing things at the computer, or rushing to tell me how full of shit I am (be my guest, I haven't deleted a comment yet and don't really intend to start now), take into account how many times I have watched women go back to these shit relationships when they had gotten out and were offered every support necessary to start over without the asshole (aka abusive shit bag. Take your pick of terms, there are plenty to go around).

The long and short of it is, to be in an abusive relationship requires the consent of the abused as well as abuser. By staying with an abuser, the abused are giving their consent for the abuse to continue--whether they realize it or not. That's my opinion from both inside and outside of the situation.
I am not talking about when BDSM turns into abuse because that's not something I have any experience with and I would imagine the complications to be much deeper.

Since I have a house full of kids who are now beginning to stir, I'll end my ramblings here. I realize that I didn't go into the actual differences between BDSM and abuse but I'm always happy to share my opinions (because after all, I just Know that I am usually right). Rumor has it March is Q&A month here in blog land so if you want an excuse to throw more shit at your computer, ask away lol.

Sunday, March 6, 2011

Do not poke

It's not wise to poke the beast. Never phrase anything as a refusal. Never pose anything as a potential challenge. Never make a statement sound like a dare. Never say "You can't." I know these things, really I do. But my sense of self preservation is intellectually challenged or something. Once again, brain says "stfu!" and mouth keeps on running.

A while back Alpha "suggested" that I find Him another woman to play with. Online, real life, not to particular. He wanted to see how far I was willing to go. And I did try. But I think I made them all run and hide under their respective little rocks lol. Fetlife made me terribly cynical. And, well, subs aren't looking for subs, their looking for Dominants. I didn't want to take up the search again (I mean, after all, I am really total shit at it apparently lol). So I suggested that He find His own play thing. But it came out wrong and sounded quite suspiciously like a dare in the realm of "you won't/can't." He raised His eyebrows and quietly replied, "you are biting off more than you can chew little one."

Note to self: do not fucking poke the Beast!

Saturday, March 5, 2011

Formspring issues

I got a Formspring question. Well, half of a Formspring question starting with: "I have Mastered a wife for 20 years," And it was cut off lol. So, if the person who asked the question (I assume there was one?), would like to leave it again as a comment, I will be happy to reply. Otherwise, I got nothing to go on so you gets nothing lol.

Being still...

Life has really started hauling me around by my ears lately and the hits just keep on coming so I could be here just do bitch this morning lol, but I had something a bit more tolerable in mind.

The other night Alpha was tired. I was tired. Tired plus tired should equal sleep right? Well, not quite. He is of the opinion that sleep is always better after sex. Even if yours truly is half asleep already. Me, I tend to think it's an unnecessary activity when you are really already asleep and is best performed while conscious. Of course, my meek and polite (oh fine, laugh), objections are completely ignored. Needless to say, I wasn't all there which He finds quite intolerable. I just couldn't quiet my mind and let shit go. After all, in my defense, there has been a load of shit lately lol.
Anyways, I'm lying there trying far to hard to drift into space while simultaneously hating my job and thinking about people who owe us money and bills that need to be paid (I know, super sexy right). Of course, He knows I'm not "down." It's like bat radar or some shit. He can tell from a mile away if my head isn't where He wants it to be.

He stopped. Grabbed my head, rested His forehead on mine, and said, "just be still. Let it all go. There's nothing here except you and me and the sound of my voice. Just us and the dark. Be still with me." After a few minutes He began to command me down...and down...and down...and I went...down.

Moving into a concept that Alpha and my father shared well--the ability to just sit and be still. No unnecessary words, no rambling thoughts, just...being. I'm horrible at it. I mean, really awful. My brain just doesn't know when to shut the fuck up. I'm always thinking--usually about five or ten different things at once and most of them are problems or things that I have problems with. So, being "still" is really difficult for me. It's the biggest wall between me and subspace--my mind. Which I suppose is the biggest hurdle between me and anything else lol. But it's an interesting and useful concept--just being still.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Thoughts on humiliation

 I just want to say...Omg, He did a post to my blog. I didn't really want to post right on top of it, but I had to get the thoughts out of my head while they were still semi-coherent lol.  For some reason I had a terrible time formatting this post so it's showing as one very long and difficult to read paragraph lol.  Alright, this post is a response to a comment greengirl (whatiwonder >>> ), left on my "Damages" post. When I think of humiliation, I don't think of the daily teasing or mocking--I just think that's irritating lol. And I do trust Him more than I did before our D/s dynamic. I think that is due in no small part to the deepening and intensity of our relationship and the fact that honesty has taken on such an important role. Imho, there is a huge difference between humiliation in a vanilla relationship and humiliation in a D/s relationship. In vanilla (memories of which are fast being wiped out lol. I kind of sucked at vanilla anyways), it's not healthy. You see it in abusive relationships a lot. It lacks any intent besides tearing down another person to lift oneself up. Instead of bringing people closer, it functions as a wedge that creates resentment and distance between partners. Instead of involving some type of bonding and reaffirming of the relationship afterwords, it seems like something that just dissolves into an argument because someone's feelings are hurt and another did the hurting with no reasoning or thought. My experiences with humiliation inside D/s have been very different. When I think of humiliation, I think of the humiliation and what happens afterwords as a whole. It's worth pointing that out because it's not an obvious given if you're reading a blog post randomly. It didn't occur to me to say that until mouse (a slaves tale >>> ), pointed out that it's not about what happens during humiliation, but what happens after. And not everyone realizes that. I think what happens afterwords is the biggest reason humiliation can work in a D/s relationship and not a vanilla one. When you are told how loved you are and shown that your world is secure, the humiliation is simply an act that brings you closer and deepens the feeling of submission. It's a difficult concept for me to address because so much of it seems contradictory when put into words. Maybe mouse will offer some insights that make more sense than my post lol. At first, I was honestly afraid that Alpha couldn't love and respect me after having humiliated me. He said that, in fact, He loved and respected me more because of my willingness to experience things I found incredibly distasteful simply to please Him. That is showed a certain strength of character  to be seen so low and get up to try and take over the world again the next day (I'm taking liberties with paraphrasing here, but you get the gist). In D/s it is something you experience because your Dominant wants it. Not because He is trying to harm you or make you a weaker person. It is far more intense and meaningful than in any other context. Humiliation is one of those things that just is what it is and it's difficult to put the emotions and mental impacts into words. On a completely random side note to Alpha, I love You too and thank You for the love I'm still not sure I deserve. You are my world. Thank You for taking the time to tell the world and myself that You love me and I am yours. Best birthday card ever.

Happy Earth Day

To My Little One,

Well here it is again.....  One of my favorite days,  one of your most dreaded.  You need to know little one,  because of you I am the luckiest man on earth.  For I found my princes at an early age in this existence.  You are my princes, my queen, my wife, my slut on a leash.  How could one man be so lucky to find a being who encompasses so much of what I need.   You are my strength.  Through you willingness to be so vulnerable, you allow me to be truly strong.  So much of who I am, you have helped me to discover.  We are one, Yin and Yang, two pieces of the same whole.  You are My Love Eternal.  Know through all the ups and downs, all the things I make you do, all the joy, all the tears......My heart, my mind, my soul is yours.  And Never Forget...................YOU ARE MINE!

Oh ya, Littles,  The best is yet to come!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!