Saturday, November 26, 2016

Cyanide Queen

She cried until she had nothing left
Until there was only cyanide inside, somewhere once a sense of pride
Bought tickets to a ride
But the devil’s in the details, because when you buy the ticket
Someone else controls the gates of the carnival.

Empty maybe
But there’s something left inside
She’s made of cyanide and broken pride
Drained dreams busting at the fucking seams
She is me, now the cyanide queen
No respite on her knees, no more dreams of being free.

She is the cyanide that binds to your enzymes
Destroying all of your rhythm and rhyme
She is cyanide, she is me, she is my “what I have grown to be”.

Tears of acid rain
Let them fall—maybe they’ll sooth your pain
I’m the quiet one at the table
All the lost and quite a bit unstable
A lot silent, a little bit violent
Cyanide boiling up inside
Pick a moment, a person, any volunteering victim
She’s quiet but she’s a little bit violent in her silence.

Cyanide queen falling apart at the seams
I’ll melt a hole in your fucking soul
Until you think you need me, say “You complete me”
Maybe the acid rain will sooth your pain
White-tipped eyelashes, taste the salt of broken things
Because the devil’s in the details
And honey, you chose to take a walk in those heels.

They all watched me, the cyanide queen--Satan’s little angel
And my fall from grace, no attempting to save face
Such was never my place
But clearly I’ll have descended straight to hell.

I am the dust of all the stars I was once made of
I am your broken dreams, the cyanide hiding inside
The darkness in your silence, your secret violence
Your filthiest fantasy
The acid rain falling softly on your soul
And somehow still I’ll make you think that you need me to make you whole.

They clipped my wings and watched my fall from grace
Expecting me to make some attempt to once again rise
But I’m sitting here in hell
Got my own seat at the devil’s table
You’re welcome to come on down if you are willing and able.

Think I’ll sit back and put on the matching heels
Settle in and maybe make a deal
The devil’s in the details
The cyanide queen is sitting here on her knees
Dearest devil, do you need another ruler in your kingdom?
A vicious little bitch to brand?
Maybe another left hand?
Or maybe I’ll just take your fucking throne and rule alone.

There shall be no phoenix rising from these ashes
The darkness has become my storm
This is my fucking reborn
I am the ashes, the empty space between breaths
I am
That painful ache in your chest.

Cyanide, she is part of my norm
And when your heart is battered and torn
I’ll be there with my cyanide soul and my acid tears
To melt away your fears
I come not bearing comfort
For I am the passion in the darkness you hide within
The skeleton in your closet of all that you have ever lost
The one who holds all of your secret sins
I am the joy found in pain and the compounds of acid rain
Your pleasure found in pain.

They all watched my descent from grace, kept my wings and tried to save face
I got myself a seat at the devils table now
I am the forbidden fruit on the plate
Your secret hate
So I got myself a seat at the devil’s table
With my cyanide heart, I figure it’s a pretty good start
I’ll be every ride in his fucking playground
When the last angel has fallen
And all that you love has gone on

Look for me and perhaps that is where I’ll be found.

Friday, November 25, 2016

Is It Still Really Mine?

I'm sitting here staring at the page. It is strangely unfamiliar, as if not being who I once was made this place foreign to me. Perhaps some of it is the absence, perhaps some of it is the beautiful and terrible things life brings. Perhaps most of it is that I gave her things I can never get back, and this place is one of them.

I fell in love with people I shouldn't have.
They're fucking magic.
And hers is broken, twisted, in a moment I missed it...

I sit contemplating fire and ice, my strange desires and slow burning fires under the surface.
Wondering of what I can now write here.

Is it really still mine? This blog, frozen in time.

I gave it too her...

He suggested that I move to a new spot,and start over. I thought about it. It would be giving up the last remnants of home that I have dragged with me through this fucking hell-hole of a place we now live.
So I'm torn...I don't want to give this up. Yet the things that belong here, the stories that this place was created for, I have them...And what happens when she reads them?

So maybe just theory and cryptic poetry...Or maybe I say fuck it, she went out of her way to make this hurt as much as she could, so if she feels compelled to read and doing so is like grinding the nail in a little deeper, then it's her own damn bad...

The way she left, the efforts she made, to provoke him into breaking me and destroying himself...She wanted to see me left in pieces...She did everything she was asked not to...Maybe I'll never know why, maybe I'll always wonder inside...Why she wanted to know that I cried as she lied.

Maybe I'll be stardust, maybe just rust...

I come here to write, the dreams the moments, the experiences, the feelings...And I pause. Because I know that she will read. Me.
But I'll not be responsible for her insecurities. She didn't believe, didn't listen, didn't take heed; the whole reason she was given this link in the first place. So I think that here I will continue to spill my escapades, all my little pieces of Hades. Pieces of me.

Saturday, November 5, 2016

Best Not...

Best not to catch feelings
Best not listen to my whisper in your ear
Of those things everyone wants and is afraid to hear
Best not peek inside Pandora’s Box
There’s a reason I came with locks.

Go ahead
Take a little peek
He already picked the lock
Opened the box
Made a key
And set me free.

The scars on my body
Carvings on the box
Hiding within the sum of secrets and sin
I came with so many locks
Yet he did not knock.

I am the contents of Pandora’s Box
My scars simply carvings on the lid
I’ll spill my secrets, invite you to get your kicks
Maybe I’ll fuck or fuck up your mind
Chances are that it will be both with time
Whether or not you are or ever will be mine

Come on, just one little kiss…
One little slip into me
And then you’ll see
The taste of sound as it spins around
Like my blood on your lips
The soft trail of fingertips.

He’ll open me up and set me in front of you
I’ll sink to my knees, offering to drown in your seas
If you take just one little peek
I’ll find you in the darkness
Offering the acceptance you seek
Freeing dangers hidden and unseen.

I am Pandora’s Box, I’ll free the demons in your soul
Will it complete you, or will it swallow you whole?
I am pain and aching desire for the untouchable fire
Best not to look inside
I have no more pride
I’m simply lost on the ride.

I’ll be your coke whore
Your open door.
I’ll be your midnight phone call
The pause before your fall
And the aching sorrow in your chest
I’ll be the one you kept, the one that got away, and the one that shall always stay
I am the remains of your pain
And the shreds of all that has kept you sane
I’ll be your hope and everything in you that has been broken
You’ll see. When the box is open.

Best not to catch feelings
I’m in here dreaming
Of things both meant and never meant to be
He opened me up and set me free
Maybe you’ll take a peek
And find me on my knees.

Best not look darlin
I’ll reach to comfort your soul
Desperately desiring to offer you hope
And perhaps my demons will consume you whole
Perhaps after me you’ll be broken
Pieces of everything left unspoken, hope left as a dangerous token.

Maybe I just want to be seen
To be loved for my broken being
To use my soul and gently stitch up your seams
Perhaps instead, I’ll haunt your dreams
And torment your being
For I am Pandora’s Box, and he’ll set me in front of you
Open and unlocked.

I’ll be your fucking drug,
Your forbidden love
I’ll be your playground
My moans the sweetest torture of sound.

I’ll be the one who loved you,
The one you could never have
The one who never got away, but could not stay.
On my knees I’ll pray
So for that moment you can be god
And I’ll be the remnants of all that you have sought
A gift that can never be bought.

Best not to peek inside
Too late now
There’s not much left to hide
I have no need for my own broken pride
My skin is Pandora’s Box,
My being all the evils and hope within
The sum of your sorrows and sin.

I am that line where sky meets earth
Unintentionally, I’ll drag your heart through the dirt
I am the pause between breaths
That moment in which you contemplate death
Best to love me not
For my body is Pandora’s Box
And my soul its contents
I have been unlocked
Spilling the contents within
I am the story of your pain, thirst, hope, and sin
I am the sum of everything you have ever drowned in.

I’ll come to chase away those monsters under your bed
For I am made up of the ones inside of your head
I’ll be there by your side when you’re bleeding in the dirt
Swallow all of your sorrows and hurt
I’ll witness your blood sweat and tears, gently cradle your fears
I’ll break your heart and leave my mark
Whisper how much I love you into the dark.

I am the eye of the storm, and it is all contained within this small box, now left unlocked
I’ll hold up the mirror to the skeletons in your closet
Free your demons and let them run screaming
To crash into me
I’ll drown in your fucking sea.

Just one little peek
One little touch
Nothing is ever enough
Best not to look, best not to love
For I am not heaven sent from above
I am Pandora’s Box
And it is best for you

To love me not.