Delicious Torment, Part II

Maybe it's been an hour, maybe it's been a minute, maybe time doesn't matter...

I suddenly need it so bad, and I don't know why I need it--the sensation of his cock sliding down my throat.
I'm consumed, yet I can't open my eyes, and I can't seem to speak, and I wouldn't presume to move on my own, or I'm not sure that I can...

I can hear the smile in his voice, because he knows I want it, I'm begging with my mouth, a whimper escapes me, pleasing him is the sole focus of my being in that moment. I need it more than I need air.
And there's a touch of playful menace in the slight chuckle which escapes his throat. Because we both know that I am, and will do, whatever he desires.
With the slightest of touches, he lets me descend to my knees, where he feeds my needs. Overeager, I choke myself on him.
I don't care about the water in my nose, on my face, running into my mouth... All I care about is the feeling of his rock hard cock filling my mouth, the sensation of him forcing open my throat, the taste of him as he empties himself and I greedily consume every last drop.
In that moment, I know without a shadow of a doubt, that this is what it is all about--though force has its place, a Master does not spend an eternity making his slave to do things. He makes her need to please him so strong that it overwhelms all else.
In that moment, I truly know what it is to get pleasure from pleasing.

I vaguely remember the walk to the bedroom. It is, as such moments often are, a rather hazy recollection.

I remember being blindfolded and spread out on the bed...It is an interesting phenomenon, the feeling of a Master's eyes, as they slide over one's body.
The inspection always makes me nervous, but not so much this time--he bathed me himself, and I seem to have temporarily lost the ability to feel any semblance of shame...

I feel feathers and pain
his breath on my skin, his eyes wandering over me
as I bite my lip in anticipation of the first thrust
that moment when he slides all the way in
and every inch of my skin burns for him.

And I know that this man is my fantasy,
he is all that I ever needed
and everything that I could possibly ever be belongs to him.
It's the tender cruelty
the way his eyes strip me when I'm already naked
the tone of his voice when he says, "Mine"
it is the way he takes what he wants and gives me what I need
the calculating look on his face
the way he shrugs off my wants as immaterial in the face of his desires.
It's how he touches me with that gruff familiarity, no question in his mind that every part of me is owned by him
the fact that he is both protector and tormentor
drowning me in the delicious agony of my own surrender.

Maybe we live for a moment, maybe it's an eternity, maybe time doesn't matter.
As long as I know that I have pleased, there is nothing more that I need to be.

To Be Pleasing

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately. Even more so than usual, I suppose. I'm not entirely sure that it's a healthy addiction...

And I wonder...
I am to please
such is the purpose of a slave, is it not?

To be pleasing
to bring pleasure and joy
to bare one's truth and offer up one's soul
to surpass the limits of human connection
and explore the depths of depravity
to be the one constant in a world devoid of stability
to serve and surrender
to live for that smile of appreciation
and take the ultimate leap of faith
to breath at his command
and accept that forever never ends
to hand over your pleasure and pain
and strive for the elusive "Good girl"
to give up control of your days
and getting your own way
to give all that one has
and all that one is
to exist simply for the "Mine" whispered quietly into the darkness
to know that purpose is defined by him
to be human as his human being.

To be what pleases him.

And if he does not find me pleasing...Then perhaps I am not really what I have thought myself to be.

To Be Mindful

Mindfulness is a concept that I have been pondering lately.

To be mindful...It's important right?

Submission is very much about being mindful of one's Dominant, and no small part of that is being mindful of oneself, one's actions and reactions, of the way that we think and behave.
It is about seeing ourselves and our behavior as a reflection on him and who he is.

I think that when we are mindful, that is when we are able to bring grace to who we are and what we do.

Mindfulness is about avoiding those knee-jerk reactions that so often get us in trouble, it's about thinking before we speak, taking care that our actions have meaning.
It is about using coherent thought to guide our behavior in a way that pleases.
It is about living the meaning of what it is to be owned.

To be mindful is to be pleasing
to be the best of what they see in us
it is an awareness of ourselves and our interactions with others
it is about relinquishing control while retaining a sense of personal responsibility.

Often, submission is a repeating series of conscious choices, choices that invariably lead to the conclusion that the choices we are to make are the ones that our Dominants desire to be made.
After a certain point, many of those choices become so automatic, that we no longer realize there is any choice at all. Because while we are multifaceted, what we really are, is his. And all our choices become ultimately rooted in that fact.
Yet, we cannot get to that place without a certain degree of mindfulness.

So how we attain this thing called mindfulness?
I think that we practice it until we become...Mindful.

And yes, I am still stuck in the attempting to practice phase.

On Reward and Validation

We humans tend to be quite reward oriented, which in itself is not necessarily a bad thing.
It seems to me, that the problem with this attachment to reward arises when we get too caught up in expecting reward from external forces.

 I don't feel like submission should be about what I get out of it, what I get back, my rewards.
It shouldn't be about expecting something in return for simply doing as I am supposed to do.

Pleasing is not about getting rewarded, it is simply about being and behaving in a way that he find pleasing. With the knowledge of having done so as its own reward, and an internal sense of fulfillment that doesn't require praise.
Here's the thing...If one doesn't know that how they are/what they are doing is pleasing, then one can merely attempt to avoid behaviors which are not pleasing.

Still, submission and the acts inherent to its existence, need to come from an inner desire to submit, an inner desire to please, and inner drive to live your life as yourself.

I would venture to say that, in the context of a relationship, submitting merely for what one can get out of it, keeps the experience on the shallow end of possibility. It avoids the the depths to which submission is capable of taking us.
To say that Dominance and submission is all about me and what I want or need, would be to take a selfish and ultimately convoluted approach to the whole concept.

At the same time, being human has its pitfalls.

Knowing that I please him, knowing that I am special, knowing that my submission is appreciated, the feeling of being actively owned--those things give me fulfillment.
I feel like his acknowledgement of my submission validates me as a submissive.

I need to know that, after nearly 15 years, he still finds me beautiful, still finds me interesting, still enjoys me for who I am as a whole.
Because underneath it all, I am simply...A human woman, with all the quirks and inconsistencies inherent to my kind.

While I do crave the trappings of whips and chains, the demands and physical expressions that remind me of who and what we are, it is the small daily moments that inspire me.
It is having him in my head and knowing he cares, that encourages me do and be the best that I can be as a submissive.

Submission, for all its trappings of passivity, cannot succeed as a passive endeavor. Just as passive Dominance will only go so far towards inspiring submission.

Submission is important to me because submissive is a part of who I am. Knowing that it matters to him too, makes me feel like I am important to him.

I should submit out of an inner desire to do so, without a constant need for him to drag it out of me by conquering every step of the way.
Yet...
Knowing that he truly cares whether I submit or not, that the quality of my submission matters, that my submission is important to him--I need that validation. Perhaps I shouldn't, but I do.
I think though, that is the expectation of validation that causes issues.

Ultimately, to please should be its own reward. But to be told that one has pleased...Well, that  somehow makes it easier I guess. Even if it shouldn't really matter.

It feels like my musings and struggles have become excessively monotonous and repetitive.
Maybe I just need more coffee...