I Don't Care How You Do This Thing We Do

Disclaimer duly posted

 Really, I don't care how you do what you do. I could give a shit less. If I don't like it, I just walk away because it's none of my damn business. That's the beauty of the internet.

I don't think there's anything wrong with ttwd being a game, or something that you are really serious about on the weekends, or if you live on a chain, or if you sub one day and Dom the next. I don't care if you call yourself a submissive, a slave, a Dominant, a Master, the queen of Sheba, or a friggin teddy bear.

In short, I don't care how anyone else does power exchange. I don't think that I'm better or worse than anyone else, and I don't feel that it is important how anyone else views our power exchange. I could care less where you stand on this crazy road.

The only time you are likely to see my feathers ruffle about how anyone else does ttwd, is when I feel that someone is portraying themselves and their relationship as something they are not, or walking around acting like they have all the answers and are God's gift to us lowly struggling subs who are willing to admit that, dammit, this shit isn't always easy.

Okay, so my feathers will also ruffle if I feel that I have made a reasonable effort to have a polite discussion of thoughts, and someone gets their panties in a twist and has a go at me.What can I say, I'm only human.

Sounds about right

 But I digress...

Top, bottom, submissive, slave, Dominant, Master, fucking furby, whatever--you do what you do. If I don't like it, chances are no one will ever know because I will browse on by. It's not my life, and it has not a damn thing to do with me.

This blog is about how I live power exchange, not about how I think others should experience ttwd. I write from my perspective about my struggles, triumphs, failures, growth, internal musings, and how I'm pretty sure I broke my damn toe on a chair this morning.

Blogland is not a judgement free zone. Sure, we like to think that we are reasonably accepting and everyone has their own way of doing things, but lets be honest--this is a public forum, and you are going to make judgments about me, just as I am going to make judgements about those I read.
The difference comes in what we do with those judgements, and for the most part we keep them politely to ourselves if they are uncomplimentary. That does not mean that all blogs reside at the end of the rainbow covered comfortably in unicorn pelts.

Some people are going to come on as "More submissive than thou", others will take the approach that you're in too deep, and the relationship isn't healthy.
I try to ask myself though, "Does that person's opinion really matter?" And you know what, nine times out of ten, it doesn't.

What you see is an image from someone's mind, typed out into the public domain and frozen in time. Each "scene" you read is just that--a scene. Perhaps it was beautiful and breathtaking, or perhaps it was disturbing and uncomfortable. But we only know what we read, we only see what we are shown.
I was thinking about this after my last shower post--you got the hot and heavy main story, which was a wonderful experience for me.
Before that scene I was cranky and unwilling. After the scene and the sex and the endorphin crash, I curled up on the bed in the kind of agony that comes when your body isn't working how it should, and cried.
That's the whole picture, not just the image I wrote for you.

Yes, chances are that I will judge you in some form or fashion, but you will judge me too, and I like to think that those judgements will usually be kind.
We can only judge what we are shown though. And when it comes right down to it? I don't care how you do ttwd. I care that I am what he wants me to be.
What matters to me is how I live ttwd.
And that I'm fairly certain I did break my toe on that damn chair this morning. Yep, that matters.

Missing Pages

I'm feeling a bit less whiny today. Something about being nice and warm and my terrible weakness for a man with a chainsaw, I suppose...

If you've been reading here for more than a few days, you know that I have issues sticking to just one background, or even maintaining a certain subject matter. It's no secret that I would rearrange the furniture all the time if it wasn't against the rules.
As usual, I'm getting sidetracked.

For some time, there were several pages at the top of the blog. They were part of the things that are really never changed.
I had a not so little identity crisis surrounding this whole submission thing, and really put some thought into the whole concept of being, "Fraud or flawed" (an interesting and thought provoking term that I cannot take credit for).
So down came the page titled Submission, because I never really meant to give anyone the impression that I thought I knew what I was talking about, and maybe I changed my mind about what submission was because I never knew what I was talking about to begin with. Then down came the page about Dominance because it didn't really say anything since I couldn't make up my mind what to write.
The About Me and Our Story pages...In all honesty, I get more traffic than the one person I have always  imagined would be my only reader, and I felt that perhaps there was too much of our/my story in one easy read.

After our fight, I was 90% certain that the answer to my question of identity was fraud. Then we had some serious conversations, and he made me see how much I was really just holding us back from deeper explorations by being so tripped up on the basics.
It's one thing to say "I'm ready for more" it's another thing entirely to be required to prove it. And in that process of proving, I realized that I wasn't, yet I became so.
Reading that sentence, it sounds so innocuous...Yet, for me, it isn't--it seems like it should be printed across the sky in bright neon caps. Even if it doesn't seem to make sense...

In that process, my definitions and the labels that I apply to myself and my relationship began solidifying in a direction that I have known we were headed for some time.
Does it really matter whether I define myself as submissive or slave? Whether I define the parameters of our relationship as being Master and slave, or Dominant and submissive? In the grand scheme of things, probably not. They are merely places on the road in the journey of infinite possibility that is power exchange.

Yet...It does matter, because how I define us impacts my behavior and the way I view our relationship. If I think of myself as submissive, I also apply forms of thought that are not acceptable with the scope of a Master/slave oriented power exchange.
Looking back, while I would vehemently deny it and truly believe my own denials, there have been so many times in the past where I approached ttwd as a game. And it's one of the only things that really pisses him off. Because this is the way we live, not something we toy with and put away when it suits me us.

He pointed out that it was impossible for us to move forward while I was still struggling with the basics. As much as his statement made me cringe, I have to admit that he has been true to his word--when I quit wallowing in the shallow end, things began changing rather drastically for the better.

Some of the missing pages will not return. Others will. My definitions and the way we live D/s are evolving, and so must they.

Fitting In and Doing it Wrong

I changed the comment format so hopefully there won't be any more issues with not being able to post comments. Sometimes I think that Blogger just likes messing with me...

I read this post by kytten, where she muses about the possibility that she doesn't fit in here. Then I read one by kaya, who says her Master and herself don't fit the M/s mold.

They got me to thinking--what is a M/s or a D/s relationship, what defines whether we are "doing it right" or not? Perhaps the solution is simple and we are all just doing it wrong lol.

So what is the typical D/s relationship? An omnipotent Master who never makes mistakes, doesn't fall in love, and never bows to anyone? A submissive who is always on her knees, never falls on her face, and lives her life chained to the bed wanting only to serve?

Truth be told, I have come to believe that the "typical" relationship is a fantasy. It's propagated across social boards, various websites, and in the minds of ourselves when we doubt our relationships or ourselves.

It's easy to compare and contrast, to see where we fall short and others soar above. But for the most part, we see only what we are allowed--we get the glimpses we are given. And not everyone wants to say they were up all night with puking kids, or their car broke down, or they had a knockdown dragout fight. Sometimes it's simply because they feel such things have no place on their blog or place of expression and that's completely understandable.
Other times I think it's because people don't like seeming less than perfect. As if the reality of life should not be seen because it is...Less than perfect. Less than fantasy.

Which leads me to a comment Jz once wrote, about the individuality of ttwd. She felt that the single biggest thing every beginner should know is that each relationship is unique, that ttwd is different for each person because it is an individual experience.

That's not something you see scattered across message boards or displayed prominently on websites. And I think that is perhaps a disservice to people who are just starting to explore the nature of ttwd.
There is a fantasy of the perfect Master. The perfect slave. And it's a fantasy outside of reality. A fantasy that we occasionally fall prey to believing, or we simply shake our heads and wander off to browse pastures that appear less green.

So what is ttwd?

It is a relationship entwined in the exchange of power. The rest is simply what we figure out along the way, how we grow together, and what works for us as individuals.

There are a million ways to do it wrong, but is there really any one "right" way where we all fit in perfectly? I doubt it.
There's simply the fantasy of such. Otherwise, we would all just be doing it wrong wouldn't we?

Like Water

When life is disrupted and crazy, there comes a certain point where I no longer want D/s.
Repression is, unfortunately, my specialty.

Then after a while, this terrifying realization dawns on me (yea I know, my "realization" is not a news flash or some new major surprise), and I have to accept the fact that I need D/s.

I suppose it would sound dramatic to say it's a need like the physical requirement for air, and that wouldn't be exactly true either...It's more like water in the desert--you can go without for a while. At first you even feel okay, and you think you'll be fine without it for as long as you have to.

After a while, you realize that you really won't be okay without it. That you don't want it merely to sate your thirst--you need it.

And then when you get it, there's a temptation to gorge, but your body rejects it because it's too much at once...

I still wonder when exactly ttwd became a need? No longer a want for pleasure or pain, but an unavoidable need for his control. His pain. His Dominance. An inexplicable craving to be owned.

And feel it.

Every day.

Wouldn't it be convenient if it was all just a game, and could be turned off and on at will?
But that would be a bit like dipping your toes in the oasis--why play on the edges when you can dive right in?

D/s is a bit like water--it's one of those needs beyond want.

I think I can live without it for a while...But eventually I will, beg, cry, and crawl for even just one drop.

Because I need it.

Beautiful Whore

Beautiful whore.
That's better than just "whore" or "beautiful" standing alone. Wouldn't you say?

It's a strange mix of incredible extremes isn't it--ttwd.

How the words "I love you and you are My whore" whispered as belt meets skin change that moment into something beyond pleasure and pain. And the thoughts in my mind explode in the beautiful contradiction.

Because it is a bit of a contradiction. An odd balance between being spoken to like a queen and treated like a whore. Or a combination of both. Like cruelty mixed with tenderness. It pushes all my buttons and gives me something beyond who I am and what I see myself to be.
A contradiction of sorts yet also a completion of the whole. Balance.

Embracing the darkness has led me to the light. And I like what I see--no matter how much it terrifies me. 

"I love you and I am going to hurt you. Then I will kiss away your tears and wash away your fears."

A beautiful contradiction.

Love and ttwd

I started thinking about this after greengirl's comment on my last post. I was inspired to do some navel gazing today by a post she did at whatiwonder, which led to comments that inspired this post over at Aisha, and got me to put some more thought into how love and ttwd relate to each other.
Run-on sentences much?

Anyways...

I could not really submit if I didn't love Alpha. I would never be able to really let go if He didn't love me.

Well, I would submit. But I couldn't surrender.

Is love the same thing as submission? I don't think so. But I do think that submission can be an expression of love.
When you combine D/s and love there is a certain intimacy and passion. A connection deeper than skin. And it is like nothing else. For me, love is what makes ttwd what it is. It makes an experience that could otherwise be terribly scarring, and turns it into something so incredible that I cannot even find words for it.

In ttwd love opens doors that would otherwise stay closed to us. And there are some amazing experiences behind them.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In the spirit of complete randomness...

Somewhere along the line recently I became picky in my submission. I felt like I wanted Alpha to dominate me completely, but I wanted to choose when and how. 

Just award me the "worst brilliant submissive" award now.

D/s and sex are closely related in our relationship. And I've got some serious disconnect going on. Case in point, we watched porn last night and I wasn't turned on in the least little bit. Zip, zilch, nada, nothing, "can I just go to bed and pass out?"

Yet, unbeknownst to me, my body had a completely different reaction (we are not currently communicating well apparently).

And we need the expression of connection inherent in ttwd. I have learned enough to check back in and submit. That submission doesn't need to be a reaction. But sometimes I feel like I am separate from the act (I have totally given up on trying to make sense to anyone besides myself at this point lol).

Do I need Dominance to inspire my submission? Yes. I'm like an addict and I want my fix. But I also feel like that fix should come from submission itself--not necessarily just from dominance.
Being picky with submission doesn't work. That's not what it's about. If He was how I wanted Him to be all the time, and only did what I wanted, then it wouldn't really be D/s at all.

Edit: I love seeing a post take off and inspire posts on multiple blogs, so I thought I would add that sin has one up about D/s and love here. And sfp has one here.

A page just for newbies?

In our early explorations of ttwd, I did a massive amount of reading--blogs, websites, anything I could lay my greedy little eyes on.


Much to my surprise, my crazy little blog eventually ended up listed on a couple of them.
The thing is, blogs come and go. And it's rarely the ones I have little interest in.
Yesterday, much to my dismay, I discovered that one of my favorites was no longer in existence (reading blogs is addictive ya know, some become part of the morning coffee ritual which should never be disturbed).

This got me to thinking about all that early reading I did, how greedy I was for information, how difficult it can be in the beginning to separate fantasy from the facts of reality, and how much complete crap is out there.
So I started thinking about creating a page on the blog just for newbies (my admitted fucked-upness and the fact that I'm always confused and questioning does not disqualify me from giving advice tyvm. Geez, free advice is worth what you pay for it after all lol).

Anyways, because ttwd is individual like the people who do it, needs for knowledge are different. What I needed to learn was different than what another will need, though there are some basic concepts that I think apply to everyone.

I rarely ask for input from my readers, probably because it saves me from the rudeness of disagreeing with advice I asked for lol; however, if there was one (or more, why not) thing you wish you could have discovered about ttwd before learning it the hard way, what would it have been?

Nothing I have read anywhere ever came near to substituting for the things I have learned from and with Alpha, but occasionally they have clarified my confusion or prompted thoughts that helped me to evolve as a submissive.

And I was so shy that first year, I never commented or asked questions, I just lurked around and hoped that I would find my answers in someone elses question. More often than not, my answers were waiting for me when I plucked up the courage to ask Alpha.

But still, for every great blog and website, there are fifty more that are not realistic and completely lack anything helpful for the new explorer.

So, if there was one (or more, why not) thing you wish you knew about ttwd before learning it the hard way, what would it be?