This is the first of a few auto posts. Dunno when I'll have internet again, so I apologise in advance if it takes me a month to answer any comments.
We had a talk about the job and out living arrangements if he gets it, and I'm feeling a lot better about the whole thing, but I'm gonna post this anyways.
In the spirit of complaint, I just have to mention how much I would rather be typing this into my blog at home than sitting at my mom's filling a text document with error ridden ramblings...
So, issue of the week...
This one is important to me. I guess I just feel like I have to explore my feelings before I explode.
The possibility of Alpha living somewhere else for an opportunity he has always dreamed of, and is highly qualified for.
We've been apart for going on 3 weeks now, and may I just mention that panic is setting in at the possibility of this kind of separation being a long term thing?
I had grown complacent with slavery, convinced myself that it was all for him, that his demands were often unreasonable (maybe they are), and that perhaps I wasn't really capable of being the slave he needs--a slave who really and truly couldn't walk away, who lived and breathed to be his, a slave that would do anything that she was told, and was willing to be whatever he wanted, no matter how she felt about it.
In the span of a few short weeks, I have come to wonder how I could have ever managed to convince myself that I could be anything else? Maybe he does deserve a better slave than I, but he owns all that I am. And I have nothing more to give than all in.
Sometimes it feels like the craving for his control is consuming my soul. It's ridiculous really.
And so my fear of abandonment flourishes within our new-found distance and his new-found possibilities. I want this for him. It's huge to have a chance at your dreams, and even better to be as qualified for them as he is. I hope he gets the job. I really do. He has an amazing mind, and he is truly skilled.
And I'm afraid he'll outgrow me. The world is so huge an ripe with possibility an opportunity...While I, well, I am just me...
As I sit here alone in the dark, I can't stop the thoughts of feeling him. It's not so much sex as it is fulfilling the need to fulfill his needs. For him that will express in sex and control. So it's sex and control on my mind. Anything as long as it is at his behest.
It's been a lonely month for me. I have made decisions, become the owner of all that my mom has, acheived the minor miracle of aquiring her medicaid in 2 hours (seriously, if you've ever gotten medicaid, you know that's boast worthy), and spent more time away from home than I have since in forever.
Did I mention that I may have to work a job for my mom with a schedule that would probably guarantee that I didn't see Alpha until AUgust if he gets this job?
I ask myself what I could possibly give him that he couldn't find elsewheree. The only answer that I can come up with is myself. The only thing he can't find with someone else is me. And these days, when I look in the mirror, me doesn't seem to be quite enough for someone like him.
I had grown complacent within slavery, thinking it was a choice, ignoring his soft vicious smile when he told me that it was no longer something which could be chosen or given up. I disagreed when he stated with such surety that no matter what, I would always be his. If we were no longer married and lived a thousand miles apart, I would still, in my heart, hiding at the bottom of my soul, be his. I railed against the arrogance of unwavering belief in his eyes.
These statements are not, however, made in arrogance. They are simply...True.
It's scary when you realize that you will stay with someone no matter what, even if they were to break your heart into a million pieces over and over again. It's even scarier when all those vast possibilities become...More possible.
Hmmm, I'm rambling distractedly.
Complacency, I think, was a mistake. Our recent physical distance has shown me how much slave I am.
Showing posts with label Fears. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Fears. Show all posts
Saturday, May 24, 2014
Thursday, January 24, 2013
The Nature of God
There's a reason I don't talk religion or politics here. It's clearly not because I'm focused and can avoid rambling about random things--I just don't want to see my little corner turned into a debate ground.
So we're going to say that this post has nothing to do with religion, because it doesn't mkay?
When I was 11 or 12 I read a series of books called Conversations with God. In all fairness, I don't have a good recollection of the books. I do remember thinking that the guy who wrote them might be terribly delusional, but I was willing to let that go because some of it made a lot of sense to me.
Two of the things that I do remember are the concept of God being love and existing within all of us as opposed to being an external construct, and that fear, not hate, was the opposite of love.
I found the preposition that fear was the opposite of love to be...Not compatible with my view of hate as being the opposite of love.
I have however, found that love and fear are intrinsically entwined for me.
Opposites are necessary for life as we know it--without dark there is no light, we cannot truly appreciate pleasure if we have never known pain, and perhaps we could never know love if we did not also know fear.
Getting to the moral of the story...
Before falling in love, I had no fear of death. Admittedly, I was young enough not to have a great grasp of the speed with which life passes by. But my knowledge that life was finite didn't bother me. I saw death as merely an inevitable culmination of life.
I still do, and I'm still not terribly afraid of the finality of it in terms of my own life. But the concept of existing without that which I love most? That is very scary to me.
Perhaps God is love, and fear is its opposite.
When we really and truly love, we know the fear of losing that love.
Perhaps without that fear of loss, we could never really know what it is to love beyond ourselves.
Perhaps when we love something beyond ourselves, and we hold fear's hand, we come to another understanding of God.
Because without darkness there is no light.
Without pain there is no pleasure.
Without that which is unclean, we cannot revel in that which is pure.
Without severity we cannot know grace.
And without death, there is no life.
Perhaps the nature of God lies in knowing and experiencing the opposing factors of existence.
I spilled my first cup of coffee this morning. Can you tell?
So we're going to say that this post has nothing to do with religion, because it doesn't mkay?
When I was 11 or 12 I read a series of books called Conversations with God. In all fairness, I don't have a good recollection of the books. I do remember thinking that the guy who wrote them might be terribly delusional, but I was willing to let that go because some of it made a lot of sense to me.
Two of the things that I do remember are the concept of God being love and existing within all of us as opposed to being an external construct, and that fear, not hate, was the opposite of love.
I found the preposition that fear was the opposite of love to be...Not compatible with my view of hate as being the opposite of love.
I have however, found that love and fear are intrinsically entwined for me.
Opposites are necessary for life as we know it--without dark there is no light, we cannot truly appreciate pleasure if we have never known pain, and perhaps we could never know love if we did not also know fear.
Getting to the moral of the story...
Before falling in love, I had no fear of death. Admittedly, I was young enough not to have a great grasp of the speed with which life passes by. But my knowledge that life was finite didn't bother me. I saw death as merely an inevitable culmination of life.
I still do, and I'm still not terribly afraid of the finality of it in terms of my own life. But the concept of existing without that which I love most? That is very scary to me.
Perhaps God is love, and fear is its opposite.
When we really and truly love, we know the fear of losing that love.
Perhaps without that fear of loss, we could never really know what it is to love beyond ourselves.
Perhaps when we love something beyond ourselves, and we hold fear's hand, we come to another understanding of God.
Because without darkness there is no light.
Without pain there is no pleasure.
Without that which is unclean, we cannot revel in that which is pure.
Without severity we cannot know grace.
And without death, there is no life.
Perhaps the nature of God lies in knowing and experiencing the opposing factors of existence.
I spilled my first cup of coffee this morning. Can you tell?
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
The Truth Is...
We are no longer new to ttwd, our relationship is almost half as old as I am, our roles are established...And I'm still scared shitless (okay, so there's a lot wrong with that word but I'm not going there lol).
The truth is, I get off on being afraid. I also get off on feeling safe. Even better? A combination of both (figure that one out, you know you want to. Then you can tell me all about it).
But there's that other fear...The fear of needing so badly I'll beg without prompting, the fear of not just wanting Him to get me off, but desperately needing it and knowing He has the right to deny me.
That wanton little whore I was talking about? Alpha likes her but I think she's a bit of a bitch. Because she's needy and not afraid to beg for it, to admit what she wants and crawl after it, to let go absolutely and without shame. Because when she peeks out, the last vestiges of what I see as my control go up in smoke.
I have always been a one-orgasm-done, kind of girl (well, that's not exactly true--before Alpha I was a no-orgasm-done kind of girl lol). Last night as we curled up together after He had yanked three orgasms out of me from God only knows where, He asked me why I was so afraid to let go, to free that elusive, locked up, trouble making little whore who lacks boundaries, loves sucking dick, and is malleable as clay (disturbingly enough, He had not yet read yesterday's post).
I told Him it was because I couldn't control her. He laughed at me (For the record, it's not nice to laugh at the hazy sub who can't think straight), and said in that slightly condescending and excessively smarmy tone, "Control? You think you still have control?" Oops, well, uhhh, kinda? Nope.
My body was done, my limbs felt like jelly, my mind was mush, my stomach was cramping...And I wanted more.
The truth is--I'm afraid to let go. I think it's my biggest issue surrounding sex, intimacy, and ttwd in general. As much as I love that place Alpha affectionately calls the abyss, I prefer to peek over the edge, dip my toes in the water, flounder around in the shallows, and beat a hasty retreat to safety.
But we both know we are to much all or nothing for that to last forever. That we thrive on that connection, the spark, the fire, the things that happen when we leap over the edge without looking back.
I get off on being afraid. I get off on being safe. And the combination of both brings me to my knees begging to please.
The truth is, there's this wanton little whore that I have kept locked away for a very long time. And I don't know that I have the ability or desire to keep her chained any more.
The truth is, I get off on being afraid. I also get off on feeling safe. Even better? A combination of both (figure that one out, you know you want to. Then you can tell me all about it).
But there's that other fear...The fear of needing so badly I'll beg without prompting, the fear of not just wanting Him to get me off, but desperately needing it and knowing He has the right to deny me.
That wanton little whore I was talking about? Alpha likes her but I think she's a bit of a bitch. Because she's needy and not afraid to beg for it, to admit what she wants and crawl after it, to let go absolutely and without shame. Because when she peeks out, the last vestiges of what I see as my control go up in smoke.
I have always been a one-orgasm-done, kind of girl (well, that's not exactly true--before Alpha I was a no-orgasm-done kind of girl lol). Last night as we curled up together after He had yanked three orgasms out of me from God only knows where, He asked me why I was so afraid to let go, to free that elusive, locked up, trouble making little whore who lacks boundaries, loves sucking dick, and is malleable as clay (disturbingly enough, He had not yet read yesterday's post).
I told Him it was because I couldn't control her. He laughed at me (For the record, it's not nice to laugh at the hazy sub who can't think straight), and said in that slightly condescending and excessively smarmy tone, "Control? You think you still have control?" Oops, well, uhhh, kinda? Nope.
My body was done, my limbs felt like jelly, my mind was mush, my stomach was cramping...And I wanted more.
The truth is--I'm afraid to let go. I think it's my biggest issue surrounding sex, intimacy, and ttwd in general. As much as I love that place Alpha affectionately calls the abyss, I prefer to peek over the edge, dip my toes in the water, flounder around in the shallows, and beat a hasty retreat to safety.
But we both know we are to much all or nothing for that to last forever. That we thrive on that connection, the spark, the fire, the things that happen when we leap over the edge without looking back.
I get off on being afraid. I get off on being safe. And the combination of both brings me to my knees begging to please.
The truth is, there's this wanton little whore that I have kept locked away for a very long time. And I don't know that I have the ability or desire to keep her chained any more.
Friday, January 21, 2011
Fantasy and reality
When Alpha first "suggested" (I know, give me my illusions lol) that I find a play party for us to go to as active participants, I figured He had been reading the blogs on my list and was just fucking with my head. When I said so, He looked at me like I had just turned green and sprouted horns--I checked, my color is a bit off but no visible horns I swear. I was a bit surprised. After all, this is someone who tends to be an intensely private person. I spent the day thinking about it and well, it's an exciting thought. Then I spent the next day thinking about the basic logistics. There's all these happy-go-lucky people who just pop out and do whatever they want whenever they want to. The people who are always the first to say "I keep my sub chained to the bed. We are Really 24/7." I won't elaborate on the general sarcastic nature of my thoughts but it all revolved around the realities of keeping life running and finding a babysitter. So my next day wasn't spent in anticipation, it was spent wondering how the hell I am going to set up over 24 hours worth of babysitting more than two days in advance lol. And then last night on my way home from work (I think to much and my hour long drive in the car is often an excessive breeding ground for it), I had a moment of panic. So I have some seriously exhibitionist fantasies...but under and over them, I'm shy. My sexual partners have been limited to just a few and the thought of anyone besides Alpha seeing me "in action" so to speak, is rather nerve-wracking. I have to admit, the possibility doesn't seem real. Nothing ever does until it happens I guess.
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Different topics rolled into one post as usual...
After Alpha read my earlier post and informed me that I was going to need to explain what exactly I meant by saying I wanted more consistency, I started thinking...Is it unfair of me to ask that given my predisposition to inconsistency? I mean, I'm worse than the weather around here, snowing from blue skies, fifty degrees to below zero in a short matter of hours, sunny day to thunder and rain in a matter of minutes--that's me. Not as bad as I used to be with mood swings. But still, some days I'm more likely to say "fuck you" than anything else. Well, I'll admit, that's a pretty standard line for me but more in a spirited familiar way than as an insult. As a general rule Alpha seems to view it as mild "diarrhea of the mouth" and doesn't bat an eyelash though occasionally He see's it as out of place and is quick to put me back in mine. On my off days though...I mean it. I just plain don't want to submit, I don't want to give a back rub at 10 PM, I don't want to make the fucking coffee, and I sure as hell don't want to be told what to do. I think those days are fairly rare now and I have come to realize that I value Alpha's Dominance, that it fulfills some deep seated need in me, that I need Him to show me where my place is and remind me to stay there. Still though, the point remains that I am not entirely consistent myself so is it fair for me to ask for more of it from Him?
There's still the little issue of "explaining" myself which is what I should be thinking about instead of typing insanely away to myself. I'm not good at it though so whenever I have to explain what I think I need or my particular stance on an issue, I freeze up and tend to make very little sense at all.
I was standing in the kitchen doing dishes this afternoon. Totally sexy and attractive in a cozy, grandma style nightgown over sweats (hey, it's cold okay), when Alpha came up to me, leaned over and said softly in my ear "you're my favorite person." Love is good.
Later when I was doing my usual browsing through various blogs, you know because my life is full of all this free time for shit like that, He walked by and commented "I don't know why you always have to feel like you belong to a group [ironic to say the least, given my extreme love of humankind. Ahem]. You don't have to justify yourself. Just be happy with your uniqueness." Hmm, a rather nice, if somewhat painful comment. It did prompt some introspection though. Do I read all these blogs written by people with similar interests because I am looking to justify my own wants and desires, because I want to feel like I am not completely strange and alone in what I like, or do I read them for the reasons I tell myself--simply because I enjoy them and like reading things written by people who have a concept of what it is to feel like I do? In all honesty, I think it's a bit of both.
As to belonging? I have come to realize that, in the end, the only place I truly feel the need to belong is to Alpha. And that's where I think my recent issues with being all out of sorts come from. In my secret little heart of hearts I am a little bit mad at Him. I am mad that He decided to own me completely, to take and keep all that I am, to become the center of my little universe, to allow me to grow up (literally) to rely upon Him so much. It all boils down to the fact that, deep down inside, I'm angry He didn't go get help years ago. Because He isn't well. And over the last year His health has gotten worse. And I am afraid. I'm afraid that I will not be His until the day I die. Because He really is my One.
Yet my fear and anger in themselves are not fair or right. After all, I love Him more than life itself and He relies on me too. I am His confidante, His backup, the only one He has to go to. So I go to that little iron fortress in myself with the voice that says I will be alright no matter what. Not because I feel capable of surviving anything, or I am exceptional in any way, simply because that is who I am and what I must do. But it doesn't make me feel better. I think that's why I resisted giving Him my all as much as I did--because He gives my life its meaning. And in some strange way, I need Him more than life.
There's still the little issue of "explaining" myself which is what I should be thinking about instead of typing insanely away to myself. I'm not good at it though so whenever I have to explain what I think I need or my particular stance on an issue, I freeze up and tend to make very little sense at all.
I was standing in the kitchen doing dishes this afternoon. Totally sexy and attractive in a cozy, grandma style nightgown over sweats (hey, it's cold okay), when Alpha came up to me, leaned over and said softly in my ear "you're my favorite person." Love is good.
Later when I was doing my usual browsing through various blogs, you know because my life is full of all this free time for shit like that, He walked by and commented "I don't know why you always have to feel like you belong to a group [ironic to say the least, given my extreme love of humankind. Ahem]. You don't have to justify yourself. Just be happy with your uniqueness." Hmm, a rather nice, if somewhat painful comment. It did prompt some introspection though. Do I read all these blogs written by people with similar interests because I am looking to justify my own wants and desires, because I want to feel like I am not completely strange and alone in what I like, or do I read them for the reasons I tell myself--simply because I enjoy them and like reading things written by people who have a concept of what it is to feel like I do? In all honesty, I think it's a bit of both.
As to belonging? I have come to realize that, in the end, the only place I truly feel the need to belong is to Alpha. And that's where I think my recent issues with being all out of sorts come from. In my secret little heart of hearts I am a little bit mad at Him. I am mad that He decided to own me completely, to take and keep all that I am, to become the center of my little universe, to allow me to grow up (literally) to rely upon Him so much. It all boils down to the fact that, deep down inside, I'm angry He didn't go get help years ago. Because He isn't well. And over the last year His health has gotten worse. And I am afraid. I'm afraid that I will not be His until the day I die. Because He really is my One.
Yet my fear and anger in themselves are not fair or right. After all, I love Him more than life itself and He relies on me too. I am His confidante, His backup, the only one He has to go to. So I go to that little iron fortress in myself with the voice that says I will be alright no matter what. Not because I feel capable of surviving anything, or I am exceptional in any way, simply because that is who I am and what I must do. But it doesn't make me feel better. I think that's why I resisted giving Him my all as much as I did--because He gives my life its meaning. And in some strange way, I need Him more than life.
Monday, December 13, 2010
Morning coffee and fear in BDSM
In the morning, i hop out of bed, put on a pot of coffee, say good morning to my kids, and settle in front of my blog. Okay, well, that's not exactly right. In the morning (if M is gracious enough to let me off without morning sex, which goes against all that is good and right in the world. i haven't had coffee yet so sex is bad lol), i stumble blearily out of bed, grumpy that i'm awake at all. Stumbling thought the kitchen on my way to the bathroom, i throw on a pot of coffee and acknowledge my childrens existence with a grunted "good morning" and "if you want food, make it yourself and don't ask me anything before my coffee comes up." Then my coffee is up, my kids have some form of food, and i settle down to ramble on the blog. Super sexy right? i know, i'm a dream in a sweatshirt lol. But come on now, we all live some sort of reality, and it's not all whips and chains all the time.
On a completely unrelated note, i was browsing the forums on Fetlife the other day (i haven't finished my coffee yet, i am NOT making a link), and i read a thread with a question about fear outside of play and if it had a place in a BDSM oriented relationship. Answers ranged from adamant "no" to "yes" and many thoughts in between. i started thinking about fear in our dynamic. Fear gets me off. Fear gets a lot of people off, they just don't like to admit it. But fear of what, what kind of fear, is it a good or bad thing? i have many fears. Fear of loss, fear of disappointing, etc. Fear of what may happen gets me off; however, i am not afraid of M. Sometimes afraid of what He might do, what He may make me do, yes. But if i was afraid of M as a man, would i trust in Him the way i do, could i surrender myself completely? The answer is no. Take rape scenes--they are an inherently fear based activity. i find them fascinating, extremely hot, and a really big turn on. It's a mindfuck. Actually being raped? Uh no. 13 years later, and i still hope the bastard rots in jail till he dies. It's all in the context of the emotion and its impact on the people involved.
Alright, time for more coffee.
On a completely unrelated note, i was browsing the forums on Fetlife the other day (i haven't finished my coffee yet, i am NOT making a link), and i read a thread with a question about fear outside of play and if it had a place in a BDSM oriented relationship. Answers ranged from adamant "no" to "yes" and many thoughts in between. i started thinking about fear in our dynamic. Fear gets me off. Fear gets a lot of people off, they just don't like to admit it. But fear of what, what kind of fear, is it a good or bad thing? i have many fears. Fear of loss, fear of disappointing, etc. Fear of what may happen gets me off; however, i am not afraid of M. Sometimes afraid of what He might do, what He may make me do, yes. But if i was afraid of M as a man, would i trust in Him the way i do, could i surrender myself completely? The answer is no. Take rape scenes--they are an inherently fear based activity. i find them fascinating, extremely hot, and a really big turn on. It's a mindfuck. Actually being raped? Uh no. 13 years later, and i still hope the bastard rots in jail till he dies. It's all in the context of the emotion and its impact on the people involved.
Alright, time for more coffee.
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Dominance, submission, and love
Okay, so it's possible i have a post floating around my blog with this same thread of thought, but oh well lol.
i have been thinking about D/s and how love fits into the dynamic. i read somewhere once, that love interferes with a Dominants ability to be successful. Such as not wanting to hand out an earned punishment, use a sub for their own wants, etc. In the beginning of our shift to D/s, i wondered if what i had read was true. Now, exploring the abyss, i realize that i could be Dominated without love, but i could not completely surrender myself. . Because i love Him and He is true, i trust Him. Because He loves me, He won't do anything that will irreparably damage me. He see's the difference between what i want and what i need. The two are not mutually exclusive and what i need is far more important to Him than what i want (yea, the wanty me complains a lot lol). Because He loves me, i trust Him more. Love inspires me to do my best, to strive not to disappoint, to be the best submissive i can for Him. Love and trust allow me to fear an event, but not M Himself.
D/s has deepened our love, enhanced our trust, and inspired our relationship to travel to new heights. Without the love we already had for each other, i would have always been to afraid to take the first step on this path. i would have never known this vast range of emotions, sensations, and mind-altering events that i have experienced with M. Being head over heels in love, and at the same time owned, scares the shit out of me. After 12 years, it still scares the shit out of me. Even more so now because i feel so completely dependent on Him. i used to feel financially dependent on Him but that's not what i'm talking about. More like depending on someone for your sanity, your happiness, stability in fumbling through life, the security of your being. He's what keeps me from crying myself to sleep at night, He's who keeps me from telling the people who piss me off to go die and picking up a baseball bat (yes, i am that mean natured and volatile at heart), He's what keeps me from being an out and out whore, He is my shelter from the world. And this world can be a cold, cruel, and painful place.
i am grateful for the love in our D/s. And i am forever grateful to M for being who He is and giving me what i need; regardless of what i think i want.
i have been thinking about D/s and how love fits into the dynamic. i read somewhere once, that love interferes with a Dominants ability to be successful. Such as not wanting to hand out an earned punishment, use a sub for their own wants, etc. In the beginning of our shift to D/s, i wondered if what i had read was true. Now, exploring the abyss, i realize that i could be Dominated without love, but i could not completely surrender myself. . Because i love Him and He is true, i trust Him. Because He loves me, He won't do anything that will irreparably damage me. He see's the difference between what i want and what i need. The two are not mutually exclusive and what i need is far more important to Him than what i want (yea, the wanty me complains a lot lol). Because He loves me, i trust Him more. Love inspires me to do my best, to strive not to disappoint, to be the best submissive i can for Him. Love and trust allow me to fear an event, but not M Himself.
D/s has deepened our love, enhanced our trust, and inspired our relationship to travel to new heights. Without the love we already had for each other, i would have always been to afraid to take the first step on this path. i would have never known this vast range of emotions, sensations, and mind-altering events that i have experienced with M. Being head over heels in love, and at the same time owned, scares the shit out of me. After 12 years, it still scares the shit out of me. Even more so now because i feel so completely dependent on Him. i used to feel financially dependent on Him but that's not what i'm talking about. More like depending on someone for your sanity, your happiness, stability in fumbling through life, the security of your being. He's what keeps me from crying myself to sleep at night, He's who keeps me from telling the people who piss me off to go die and picking up a baseball bat (yes, i am that mean natured and volatile at heart), He's what keeps me from being an out and out whore, He is my shelter from the world. And this world can be a cold, cruel, and painful place.
i am grateful for the love in our D/s. And i am forever grateful to M for being who He is and giving me what i need; regardless of what i think i want.
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Puddle of confusion
If someones going to waste 5 minutes reading this post, might as well waste 10 and read the one before it or it won't make sense lol.
i have been all kind of out of sorts over the past couple of days. M had a tooth pulled without painkillers so He's in less than tip top shape right now Himself.
i can't go all the way down...when that happens, it really bothers me. A lot. i think the way i have been feeling is related to what M told me the other day. i think since it was an event that occurred so long ago, He figured it wouldn't really be something i had to work through. But it is. There are still things He misses about her, all in the bedroom granted, but that's a big part of our life, and a huge part of my submission. He said that, never for a minute, does He regret choosing me instead of her but he does think about their sex life sometimes. i wish that i could be enough for Him...Last night when we went to sleep there was actually distance between us. That hasn't happened in ages and i hate it. It doesn't help that i'm having a hard time cumming when i'm told to, which puts Him out. i can't cum without the command, but that's not enough.
It scares the shit out of me that He could go ten years without telling me. It scares the shit out of me that He owns me so completely, that i would still be His to do with as He pleased, even if He left me. It scares the shit out of me when i can't go down...
i was thinking, and yes, that almost always gets me into trouble lol, that i would like to do a really intense interrogation scene. i want to feel how deeply He owns me. Not just the fear that seems to accompany knowing that, no matter what, He will always own me. Maybe that doesn't make sense...i suppose it's possible impact on my mental state is questionable, but there's nothing like the feeling of extreme forced honesty. Being completely open and having your mind layed bare in front of the one who's opinion matters more than anything in the world.
i have been all kind of out of sorts over the past couple of days. M had a tooth pulled without painkillers so He's in less than tip top shape right now Himself.
i can't go all the way down...when that happens, it really bothers me. A lot. i think the way i have been feeling is related to what M told me the other day. i think since it was an event that occurred so long ago, He figured it wouldn't really be something i had to work through. But it is. There are still things He misses about her, all in the bedroom granted, but that's a big part of our life, and a huge part of my submission. He said that, never for a minute, does He regret choosing me instead of her but he does think about their sex life sometimes. i wish that i could be enough for Him...Last night when we went to sleep there was actually distance between us. That hasn't happened in ages and i hate it. It doesn't help that i'm having a hard time cumming when i'm told to, which puts Him out. i can't cum without the command, but that's not enough.
It scares the shit out of me that He could go ten years without telling me. It scares the shit out of me that He owns me so completely, that i would still be His to do with as He pleased, even if He left me. It scares the shit out of me when i can't go down...
i was thinking, and yes, that almost always gets me into trouble lol, that i would like to do a really intense interrogation scene. i want to feel how deeply He owns me. Not just the fear that seems to accompany knowing that, no matter what, He will always own me. Maybe that doesn't make sense...i suppose it's possible impact on my mental state is questionable, but there's nothing like the feeling of extreme forced honesty. Being completely open and having your mind layed bare in front of the one who's opinion matters more than anything in the world.
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Ummmm, okay, so my titles have been shit lately...
The past is the past for a reason. What's done is done and we either hold on to the memories with fondness, or work through the issues over time. In the past, i have been bad. Not the kind of bad that garners and inviting eyebrow and a smack on the ass either. The kind of bad that has the potential to ruin relationships and leaves both parties with emotional scarring. Being called a whore not only turns me on, it's a fitting description of who i am at heart and who i used to be.
Last night while we were making dinner, M told me about something He did over ten years ago. Then He continued making dinner as if He had pointed out that the beans needed more salt. To claim that i hadn't done worse would be hypocritical at best. It blew me away though. In part because of the guilt i have carried all this time, but mostly because He kept it to Himself for more than ten years. i have poured out my heart and confessed my sins. If there's anything left untold, it's because i buried it deep enough to forget it myself. it scared me that He could keep something like that from me for so long and think nothing of it. In all fairness, the timeframe was not during my best behavior...but it was before i cheated on Him, before i had a clue what life really was. He allowed me drown in my guilt all these years, thinking i was the only one who had ever been untrue. Turns out, He's just better at keeping secrets. He pointed out that i had told Him to go fuck someone else repeatedly--i couldn't handle intimacy, i hated sex, i was 15, and i didn't understand love in the slightest. All these years i really thought He'd never, or hadn't, done it.
She was everything i am not. Always ready for sex, multi-orgasmic, could cum on verbal command alone, small stature...Luckily for me, M didn't want a mindless doormat and is willing to work with me on the other stuff (well, i'm never gonna loose 6" of height, i hope, lol). i have really been working on ditching the emotion of jealousy lately. i thought i was doing pretty good too. i realize that if i was more secure with myself and liked my body more, i wouldn't be as prone to being bothered by the things i lack that He finds attractive in other women. i called her a slut this morning...M grabbed me by my hair, bent my head back, and announced firmly in my ear that, if He ever left me, i would be His slut on the side anytime He wanted. i felt like i was disintegrating because it's true. The unspoken words were that He owned her too. Regardless of whether He completely understood it at the time or not.
The past is the past for a reason. What's done is done. We either let it eat us forever or we learn from our mistakes, let ourselves become better people for it, and live today for itself.
i cannot judge the act, i have been more than my share of untrue in the past. He owns me completely, Heart, mind, body, and soul. It is something that i no longer have any control over. i am no longer capable of hiding anything from Him, past or present. in the present truth is all i see, from the past, if i have forgot and He asks i will remember and speak the truth. Being so owned scares the shit out of me. i never really understood before that He doesn't have to be truthful, He doesn't have to be forthcoming, He can and will do as He wishes with whomever H pleases...and i will never know unless He chooses to tell me.
Last night while we were making dinner, M told me about something He did over ten years ago. Then He continued making dinner as if He had pointed out that the beans needed more salt. To claim that i hadn't done worse would be hypocritical at best. It blew me away though. In part because of the guilt i have carried all this time, but mostly because He kept it to Himself for more than ten years. i have poured out my heart and confessed my sins. If there's anything left untold, it's because i buried it deep enough to forget it myself. it scared me that He could keep something like that from me for so long and think nothing of it. In all fairness, the timeframe was not during my best behavior...but it was before i cheated on Him, before i had a clue what life really was. He allowed me drown in my guilt all these years, thinking i was the only one who had ever been untrue. Turns out, He's just better at keeping secrets. He pointed out that i had told Him to go fuck someone else repeatedly--i couldn't handle intimacy, i hated sex, i was 15, and i didn't understand love in the slightest. All these years i really thought He'd never, or hadn't, done it.
She was everything i am not. Always ready for sex, multi-orgasmic, could cum on verbal command alone, small stature...Luckily for me, M didn't want a mindless doormat and is willing to work with me on the other stuff (well, i'm never gonna loose 6" of height, i hope, lol). i have really been working on ditching the emotion of jealousy lately. i thought i was doing pretty good too. i realize that if i was more secure with myself and liked my body more, i wouldn't be as prone to being bothered by the things i lack that He finds attractive in other women. i called her a slut this morning...M grabbed me by my hair, bent my head back, and announced firmly in my ear that, if He ever left me, i would be His slut on the side anytime He wanted. i felt like i was disintegrating because it's true. The unspoken words were that He owned her too. Regardless of whether He completely understood it at the time or not.
The past is the past for a reason. What's done is done. We either let it eat us forever or we learn from our mistakes, let ourselves become better people for it, and live today for itself.
i cannot judge the act, i have been more than my share of untrue in the past. He owns me completely, Heart, mind, body, and soul. It is something that i no longer have any control over. i am no longer capable of hiding anything from Him, past or present. in the present truth is all i see, from the past, if i have forgot and He asks i will remember and speak the truth. Being so owned scares the shit out of me. i never really understood before that He doesn't have to be truthful, He doesn't have to be forthcoming, He can and will do as He wishes with whomever H pleases...and i will never know unless He chooses to tell me.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Worry
i am falling back into my overwhelming fear and worry about M. We have become so deeply entwined and His health is less than perfect, i just can't seem to let it go. i used to worry about the physical stuff of being alone, bills, kids, life shit. Now, i'm just terribly afraid to exist without Him. He is my shelter from the world, my lover, my rock, my shoulder to lean on, my blanket to hide under. i couldn't be without Him and i can't let go of the fear that something will happen to Him and i will have to. It's eating me up and i really just wish i could get over it, take life one day at a time, and sink into that feeling of everything is as it was meant to be. But i can't.
i exist on my knees to please.
Living and being for Him is who i was meant to be
my place is at His feet
and He is all i need.
i exist on my knees to please.
Living and being for Him is who i was meant to be
my place is at His feet
and He is all i need.
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Fantasies i try not to share with myself...
Talking with myself yesterday about my issues brought up another issue. Well, not so much an issue as a fantasy that's probably a really bad idea to play out because of my past. As much of an eye as M keeps on my mental health, i'm not even sure He would do it. Rape scenes fascinate me. Weirdly enough, i do have fantasies about rape but they all involve M saving me. That one as an acted out fantasy would be a disaster lol. It would be like signing some poor man up for execution.
By all rights, i should have no interest or curiosity in acting out rape fantasies of any kind. The thought itself should have me curled up in a ball...Yet it's there. I think it's the one fantasy i may have never shared with M (until He reads this lol). i'm not sure why i have kept this one to myself. i bury it so far down that it doesn't even occur to me when i'm in space and He's making Him share my fantasies. i mean, i have told Him of far dirtier and twisted fantasies so why is this one different? It's not because it's taboo, i mean, it's taboo to admit i'm enough of a whore that i have the fantasy of a group of men cumming all over me (yea, that one was hard to admit). Yet, at the same time, not all fantasies were meant to become reality. Just because i have a fantasy of being used by two men at once, doesn't mean i could physically or emotionally handle it. M is my gage of what i can and cannot cope with. And i'll admit, it's probably a shitty job to have. i appreciate that M is careful with my mind and heart; even when it comes to His own fantasies. He wants to play with another woman and He wants me to find her; however, He questions my ability to cope with it. He decided that it would be best to start online--i find Him someone to play with and then possibly move the fantasy to real life. i'm falling on my face with that. i started really trying--just being myself and admitting right off the bat that i'm a jealous little slut, what i'm looking for, and why. As soon as i took that route, i became far more gracefully accepting of the idea and felt less resentment. Still shitty at picking up women though lol as i have made no progress whatsoever.
Another completely unrelated thing i have been thinking about is space. Subspace, Domspace, O/our space. Last night, for some reason, i had a really hard time going down. i don't know why. i wasn't thinking about anything in particular, i didn't have something weighing on my mind, i just couldn't go down deep. M asked me why i was fighting Him, and i honestly couldn't say. He knows in an instant if i'm not in space. Its a place we share together and He's not happy if i'm not in it. A lot of people talk about subspace, some people talk about Domspace (like a rare event), but i haven't found anyone who talks about O/our space (if it's there to read and i have been blind, someone please send me the link lol). It's the place we both go when we play together. So, for us, is there subspace and Domspace, or is it all O/our space? i think that when i'm floating around the house and He's keeping me down with that sadistically pleasured glint in His eyes, i'm in subspace. When we are along together, and He's swimming in my mind, we are in O/our space...
i really need to work on my conclusions lol. Children make them near impossible.
By all rights, i should have no interest or curiosity in acting out rape fantasies of any kind. The thought itself should have me curled up in a ball...Yet it's there. I think it's the one fantasy i may have never shared with M (until He reads this lol). i'm not sure why i have kept this one to myself. i bury it so far down that it doesn't even occur to me when i'm in space and He's making Him share my fantasies. i mean, i have told Him of far dirtier and twisted fantasies so why is this one different? It's not because it's taboo, i mean, it's taboo to admit i'm enough of a whore that i have the fantasy of a group of men cumming all over me (yea, that one was hard to admit). Yet, at the same time, not all fantasies were meant to become reality. Just because i have a fantasy of being used by two men at once, doesn't mean i could physically or emotionally handle it. M is my gage of what i can and cannot cope with. And i'll admit, it's probably a shitty job to have. i appreciate that M is careful with my mind and heart; even when it comes to His own fantasies. He wants to play with another woman and He wants me to find her; however, He questions my ability to cope with it. He decided that it would be best to start online--i find Him someone to play with and then possibly move the fantasy to real life. i'm falling on my face with that. i started really trying--just being myself and admitting right off the bat that i'm a jealous little slut, what i'm looking for, and why. As soon as i took that route, i became far more gracefully accepting of the idea and felt less resentment. Still shitty at picking up women though lol as i have made no progress whatsoever.
Another completely unrelated thing i have been thinking about is space. Subspace, Domspace, O/our space. Last night, for some reason, i had a really hard time going down. i don't know why. i wasn't thinking about anything in particular, i didn't have something weighing on my mind, i just couldn't go down deep. M asked me why i was fighting Him, and i honestly couldn't say. He knows in an instant if i'm not in space. Its a place we share together and He's not happy if i'm not in it. A lot of people talk about subspace, some people talk about Domspace (like a rare event), but i haven't found anyone who talks about O/our space (if it's there to read and i have been blind, someone please send me the link lol). It's the place we both go when we play together. So, for us, is there subspace and Domspace, or is it all O/our space? i think that when i'm floating around the house and He's keeping me down with that sadistically pleasured glint in His eyes, i'm in subspace. When we are along together, and He's swimming in my mind, we are in O/our space...
i really need to work on my conclusions lol. Children make them near impossible.
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Old issues
M and the relationship we have has really helped me work through a lot of issues i had around rape and molestation. They were things i used to think about every day and now rarely enter my mind at all. I had (still do sometimes) a really hard time accepting some of the things that get me off because of those issues. i'm sure a psychologist would say that i have the kinks i do because of those issues, but who knows. it doesn't really matter to me why i am the way i am. It matters that i like who i am and i am okay with being the freak i happen to be. Many things have changed. I no longer panic at dirty talk (still working on the giving end, but receiving is a turn-on now), i now generally view younger men as something you chew up and spit out, Dominant men don't make me quite as nervous as they used to, and i no longer completely disassociate during sex. i have learned that there's a difference between dirt, and well, dirt. Some is shit that gets you off, some is scarring and traumatizing. There is one thing that really hasn't changed from when i was younger though. i had not thought about it for some time, until M brought it up the other day, not having been in any situations where i had to face it. We were talking about get-togethers for people in the lifestyle. He said we could go to one sometime but that He was concerned about me. He had noticed that the particular get-together we were looking at had a number of older men going to it and He questioned my ability to cope with being in a situation like that with older men. Yea, i do still have a bit of shit to work through. When i started thinking about it, i got really nervous and uncomfortable. when i was young, i was molested by an elderly man with emphysema. My dad died of emphysema and just hearing that particular wheeze all patients of that disease have in common was really difficult for me. i know i can't spend my whole life avoiding just being around older men and if we ever do meet others in the lifestyle i will have to. i feel different when i'm around M though. i know i am safe, it's not the same when He's not there so i don't think it would be something i can't handle. Guess i won't know till we try huh.
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Rules of the "game"
The rules of the game have changed tremendously over this last week. I don't know how well I'm adapting. "rules of the game" seems to be a very ironic suggestion since we have moved so far from "games" we aren't even on the same planet lol.
I'm dazed and confused. So confusion is no stranger, but still, my mind feels a bit wrecked. Over the last few days, M has been very intense. We have these intense conversations in bed that make me squirm, almost every sentence He speaks is followed with "do you understand?"
I'm a jealous person. I have been for a very long time. I suppose that I would be less so if I was a bit more secure with myself, but I haven't been able to change that either lol. I found someone online for M to play around with...Yeah, jealousy is a brutal bitch. I guess it helps if you know and like the person calling your Dominant "Master"...Does it? Dunno. M said something last night that kind of got me going. The funny thing is, it wasn't sexual in the least. He said something about if we bring another woman to bed, it should be someone I can sit and have coffee with in the morning. Coffee...Hmmm, coffee's really not more personal than sex lol. But coffee implies cuddling, some kind of relationship other than empty sex? I'm not well versed in empty sex, I suppose coffee afterwards is not rare lol. It just cast the idea in a different light for me I guess. It didn't help that I got to see someone else call Him Master yesterday. I felt...displaced. I know that's silly, but that is how I felt. I also kind of figured it was just deserts for me; having once said that to other men online myself (well, I'd be lying if I said I remembered exact instances, but I'm sure I did. Sigh*). If I had had any idea of what that really meant, I would have never typed the word lol. Funny how things can seem empty and meaningless until we discover the reality of what they are.
I'm not sure what triggered the changes of this last week, I'm not even sure I object. Well, that's not true. I do. I object vehemently, but somehow I'm losing the will to push back...Maybe that's what scares me. Master's angel did a post (if I wasn't lazy I'd make a link to her blog, but I am and it's listed over to the right) where she talked about fear of losing her Master. I sympathise with that feeling because I have been struggling with that one big time. Because yes, shit we have no control over happens. No matter how strong the Dominant, accidents happen, illness occurs, etc. The further I sink into Him, the more I realize that I couldn't survive without Him. Not just in the physical sense. It's the mental concept of living without Him that sometimes make me wish we had never discovered this thing we call Dominance and submission. Okay, now I'm really rambling incoherently. As far as the other girl goes, what bothers me most, that she called Him Master, or that she didn't send Him the pic that He requested...No, what bothered me most is that she called Him Master when talking to me, not my Master lol. And after all, just because you hop online and type the word, doesn't mean you are truly giving the respect it warrants. Okay, so I think I'm doing a pretty good job of keeping the fangs tucked in, I'm sure someone will disagree with me but oh well.
The conversations M has been having with me at night are melting my mind. He's so clear and concise, He expects answers that are the same, and He does not tolerate evasiveness. He expresses little emotion, there's no anger, no laughter, no fluffy expressions of love. Just this bubble of truth and control that's so pure and intense it almost makes me want to crawl out of my skin. Or maybe into His. I dunno anymore.
M can be quite sadistic. I'm learning that His expression of it is, more often than not, mental rather than physical. If the physical expression doesn't get the mental response He wants to see, it seems to lack quite a bit of satisfaction. I guess while it can be fun to whip someone, it's also fairly rewarding to make them squirm and beg in the same manner without touching them at all.
He asked me, "what scares you more, the thought of waking up in the morning and having coffee with a woman we fucked the night before, or waking up with me in the morning and realizing what you did with another man the night before, because I'm throwing him out when we're done" uhhh. Ouch my mind. I got so carried away with thinking about the coffee I was quite able to avoid thinking about the other. I guess the thought of waking up and having coffee with the woman makes me jealous. The thought of waking up and thinking about what happened with another man the night before makes me feel like I'm standing in town square naked with a leash on.
M seems to find it entertaining that I can't seem to form words when He's asking me things, yet I can sit and write on the blog like a fountain. I have this feeling I won't find it entertaining comes our nightly conversation.
I'm dazed and confused. So confusion is no stranger, but still, my mind feels a bit wrecked. Over the last few days, M has been very intense. We have these intense conversations in bed that make me squirm, almost every sentence He speaks is followed with "do you understand?"
I'm a jealous person. I have been for a very long time. I suppose that I would be less so if I was a bit more secure with myself, but I haven't been able to change that either lol. I found someone online for M to play around with...Yeah, jealousy is a brutal bitch. I guess it helps if you know and like the person calling your Dominant "Master"...Does it? Dunno. M said something last night that kind of got me going. The funny thing is, it wasn't sexual in the least. He said something about if we bring another woman to bed, it should be someone I can sit and have coffee with in the morning. Coffee...Hmmm, coffee's really not more personal than sex lol. But coffee implies cuddling, some kind of relationship other than empty sex? I'm not well versed in empty sex, I suppose coffee afterwards is not rare lol. It just cast the idea in a different light for me I guess. It didn't help that I got to see someone else call Him Master yesterday. I felt...displaced. I know that's silly, but that is how I felt. I also kind of figured it was just deserts for me; having once said that to other men online myself (well, I'd be lying if I said I remembered exact instances, but I'm sure I did. Sigh*). If I had had any idea of what that really meant, I would have never typed the word lol. Funny how things can seem empty and meaningless until we discover the reality of what they are.
I'm not sure what triggered the changes of this last week, I'm not even sure I object. Well, that's not true. I do. I object vehemently, but somehow I'm losing the will to push back...Maybe that's what scares me. Master's angel did a post (if I wasn't lazy I'd make a link to her blog, but I am and it's listed over to the right) where she talked about fear of losing her Master. I sympathise with that feeling because I have been struggling with that one big time. Because yes, shit we have no control over happens. No matter how strong the Dominant, accidents happen, illness occurs, etc. The further I sink into Him, the more I realize that I couldn't survive without Him. Not just in the physical sense. It's the mental concept of living without Him that sometimes make me wish we had never discovered this thing we call Dominance and submission. Okay, now I'm really rambling incoherently. As far as the other girl goes, what bothers me most, that she called Him Master, or that she didn't send Him the pic that He requested...No, what bothered me most is that she called Him Master when talking to me, not my Master lol. And after all, just because you hop online and type the word, doesn't mean you are truly giving the respect it warrants. Okay, so I think I'm doing a pretty good job of keeping the fangs tucked in, I'm sure someone will disagree with me but oh well.
The conversations M has been having with me at night are melting my mind. He's so clear and concise, He expects answers that are the same, and He does not tolerate evasiveness. He expresses little emotion, there's no anger, no laughter, no fluffy expressions of love. Just this bubble of truth and control that's so pure and intense it almost makes me want to crawl out of my skin. Or maybe into His. I dunno anymore.
M can be quite sadistic. I'm learning that His expression of it is, more often than not, mental rather than physical. If the physical expression doesn't get the mental response He wants to see, it seems to lack quite a bit of satisfaction. I guess while it can be fun to whip someone, it's also fairly rewarding to make them squirm and beg in the same manner without touching them at all.
He asked me, "what scares you more, the thought of waking up in the morning and having coffee with a woman we fucked the night before, or waking up with me in the morning and realizing what you did with another man the night before, because I'm throwing him out when we're done" uhhh. Ouch my mind. I got so carried away with thinking about the coffee I was quite able to avoid thinking about the other. I guess the thought of waking up and having coffee with the woman makes me jealous. The thought of waking up and thinking about what happened with another man the night before makes me feel like I'm standing in town square naked with a leash on.
M seems to find it entertaining that I can't seem to form words when He's asking me things, yet I can sit and write on the blog like a fountain. I have this feeling I won't find it entertaining comes our nightly conversation.
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Last night was painfully intense. Not so much physically, as mentally. M told me to get Him hard with words alone...When I couldn't seem to "connect that dirty mind with [your] mouth," M demanded I tell Him about the first time I had cyber sex. I couldn't remember.
M has decided that it's time for me to find another woman for Him to play with. He asked if I understood that He could only know that I really meant it when I said I would do whatever He told me to, if He actually called the bluff and I proved it. M can be a very serious human being. He is rarely as serious as He was last night. He told me that it was important I understand that everything He does is done with my best interests in mind. With His wants and desires forefront of course. By the end of the night I knew without a doubt that the day is coming where I'm tied at the foot of the bed watching Him fuck another woman. A woman I have to find. Ironically, I don't much like women. I don't mean sexually (though members of my sex don't exactly light my fire), I just find most women to be catty and intollerable. Yea I know, viciously betraying my own sex. Sadly, most of the ones worth talking to, would probably agree with me. I went to sleep and woke up feeling like my mind had been turned inside out and upside down.
M has decided that it's time for me to find another woman for Him to play with. He asked if I understood that He could only know that I really meant it when I said I would do whatever He told me to, if He actually called the bluff and I proved it. M can be a very serious human being. He is rarely as serious as He was last night. He told me that it was important I understand that everything He does is done with my best interests in mind. With His wants and desires forefront of course. By the end of the night I knew without a doubt that the day is coming where I'm tied at the foot of the bed watching Him fuck another woman. A woman I have to find. Ironically, I don't much like women. I don't mean sexually (though members of my sex don't exactly light my fire), I just find most women to be catty and intollerable. Yea I know, viciously betraying my own sex. Sadly, most of the ones worth talking to, would probably agree with me. I went to sleep and woke up feeling like my mind had been turned inside out and upside down.
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Life...
Life is kicking my ass. The circle of life sure as hell feels like a washing machine set on high. I used to think we led very stable lives. I knew where we were, had an idea of where we were going, and life was just...life. After our move fell through, leaving us in the worst financial situation we have ever been in, a dear friend of M's died, I got a job, and my father became deathly ill. I feel like the world as I knew it to be is gone. M keeps me halfway sane. He's the only stability in my life. But it's been really hard on M too. He has never had to stay home with the boys which is it's own special brand of insanity no matter how much you love your kids. My fathers downturn has been really painful for M as well. He has been M's best friend for years even though it has been difficult over the past months due to father's illness beginning to impact his mind a bit. M is facing being the head of a family consisting of myself, my mother, and his two younger sisters and the responsibility coupled with impending loss is weighing heavily on Him.
Working is messing with my general flow of life. It's been ten years since I had a job outside the home. I discovered that I hate cleaning and taking care of running a house (that's my work, I care for an ill man which means I clean, cook, run errands, and basically help him run his life). In retrospect, I kind of enjoy those things at home because of M. Doing those things as an expression of love and submission brings some semblance of joy to those menial tasks and without that they are little more than mind-numbing and meaningless actions that give me the time for to much thought.
I am having a difficult time with submission lately. In a way it keeps me sane, but these days my mind just won't shut up and get out of my way enough to fall completely into space like I usually do. Life seems so full of pain and worry that there is room for little else in me. In my deepest moments of sadness, kneeling at M's feet, I know that I will always be okay as long as I can rest there where I belong. The condition I have been in, that doesn't ease my mind as it should. I just end up worrying about M's health and praying that I never go through what my mother is going through now after 30 years of marriage. He is the glue that keeps me together. Without Him, my existance would feel completely meaningless.
The little one is up and having a fit, so I need to hang out with him a bit before I head out into the world for the day. And what a crazy world it is.
Working is messing with my general flow of life. It's been ten years since I had a job outside the home. I discovered that I hate cleaning and taking care of running a house (that's my work, I care for an ill man which means I clean, cook, run errands, and basically help him run his life). In retrospect, I kind of enjoy those things at home because of M. Doing those things as an expression of love and submission brings some semblance of joy to those menial tasks and without that they are little more than mind-numbing and meaningless actions that give me the time for to much thought.
I am having a difficult time with submission lately. In a way it keeps me sane, but these days my mind just won't shut up and get out of my way enough to fall completely into space like I usually do. Life seems so full of pain and worry that there is room for little else in me. In my deepest moments of sadness, kneeling at M's feet, I know that I will always be okay as long as I can rest there where I belong. The condition I have been in, that doesn't ease my mind as it should. I just end up worrying about M's health and praying that I never go through what my mother is going through now after 30 years of marriage. He is the glue that keeps me together. Without Him, my existance would feel completely meaningless.
The little one is up and having a fit, so I need to hang out with him a bit before I head out into the world for the day. And what a crazy world it is.
Sunday, August 8, 2010
Upside down and inside out
I have to say, the last month of my life has been a rollercoaster ride towards hell and it's just not coming back up the other side anytime soon. Our move fell though and no one wants to pay M the money they owe, which has left us in a terrible monetary situation. I started working 40 hours a week since M doesn't have work for the first time in ten years. It wasn't working for M so I'm cutting back to 24 hours a week. I'm not bringing in enough money to pay the bills and it's kind of depressing working in a caretaker poisition and cleaning someone else's house. I realised that my joy in a neat house comes from my expectations that M will enjoy it. Without that, not even the monetary reward of getting payed to do it brings that much satisfaction (okay, if I was actuaslly making enough money to pay the bills, it would probably be more satisfying lol). We are still keeping our eyes out for a house, but we have to much debt to qualify for a loan right now and recent events unrelated to our move have made us decide that we are definately staying here for a bit longer, probably until mid-winter or spring.
My father is dying. He's been ill for a long time, but now the downward spiral just keeps on getting worse. He refuses to go to the hospital which, while I kind of wish he would, I am not surprised about. I knew he wouldn't choose to die any different than he lived. I don't know if it will be a few months or weeks, not having a medical perspective to go on. It's incredibly painful to see him in so much pain with my mom disintigrating beside him. It's all really fucking with me. Between being out in the world working (something I am not used to at all), my fathers illness, and M's health issues, I feel like my life is disintigrating around me. I have developed this overwhelming fear of not having M in my life. We have been together since I was 15, being owned completely and facing a death close to me, the thought of possibly ever losing M, my owner, my lover, my husband, my Master, my life, is eating me up. When I was a kid, my father was my best friend. Whenever I was sick and woke up at night, he was always awake reading and watching over me. For the last 12 years, M has been my best friend in the whole world on every level and I couldn't live without Him. Life just seems like to much to handle sometimes.
Last night after M used me, I cried. Not the a few tears well up quietly cried, outright sobbing. M just held me and told me to let it out. Then He said He may know me better than I know myself, but He doesn't always understand me. I think it was just the release of orgasm and being in space making me let go of my pent up emotions and fears.
Life has been so sad lately. In a way, anger is what holds me together, without it I feel like I'm a mess. I have plenty of it I guess lol. Getting screwed over on both a friendship and monetary level to the extent we did, makes me mad. Our so called friends rounded it off by going to my parents where my father is obviously dying on the couch and my mom is a mess and basically stole a 3,000 dollar car from them. I bitch a lot, but when it comes right down to the wire, I generally back off and cool my shit. This time, I think it's a good thing they moved like we were supposed to. I have witnessed umm, I'll call them revelation moments, that change someones life in a big way and usually seems to involve the offending party with a gun to their head. I have never been on the giving end, but this time I really thought about it. If M wasn't a more stable person than I, it might have really happened.
I miss feeling stable. I feel like the world as I knew it has turned upside down and inside out.
My father is dying. He's been ill for a long time, but now the downward spiral just keeps on getting worse. He refuses to go to the hospital which, while I kind of wish he would, I am not surprised about. I knew he wouldn't choose to die any different than he lived. I don't know if it will be a few months or weeks, not having a medical perspective to go on. It's incredibly painful to see him in so much pain with my mom disintigrating beside him. It's all really fucking with me. Between being out in the world working (something I am not used to at all), my fathers illness, and M's health issues, I feel like my life is disintigrating around me. I have developed this overwhelming fear of not having M in my life. We have been together since I was 15, being owned completely and facing a death close to me, the thought of possibly ever losing M, my owner, my lover, my husband, my Master, my life, is eating me up. When I was a kid, my father was my best friend. Whenever I was sick and woke up at night, he was always awake reading and watching over me. For the last 12 years, M has been my best friend in the whole world on every level and I couldn't live without Him. Life just seems like to much to handle sometimes.
Last night after M used me, I cried. Not the a few tears well up quietly cried, outright sobbing. M just held me and told me to let it out. Then He said He may know me better than I know myself, but He doesn't always understand me. I think it was just the release of orgasm and being in space making me let go of my pent up emotions and fears.
Life has been so sad lately. In a way, anger is what holds me together, without it I feel like I'm a mess. I have plenty of it I guess lol. Getting screwed over on both a friendship and monetary level to the extent we did, makes me mad. Our so called friends rounded it off by going to my parents where my father is obviously dying on the couch and my mom is a mess and basically stole a 3,000 dollar car from them. I bitch a lot, but when it comes right down to the wire, I generally back off and cool my shit. This time, I think it's a good thing they moved like we were supposed to. I have witnessed umm, I'll call them revelation moments, that change someones life in a big way and usually seems to involve the offending party with a gun to their head. I have never been on the giving end, but this time I really thought about it. If M wasn't a more stable person than I, it might have really happened.
I miss feeling stable. I feel like the world as I knew it has turned upside down and inside out.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
I could have been...
I realize now
that without you I would have been, a slave to my needs
broken to meet other men's means
drowning in the fire
of a broken slut free for use and abuse.
I would have lived forever inside my walls
looking out at my body as it was lost to the world
covered only by a sea of dirty pearls.
I would have spent years
sitting alone with a razor in the dark
trying to drain with my blood
the filth they left within
wondering who I could have been
and where I might have gone.
In the war of my mind
there are no neutral zones
there never was a place good enough to call home.
I would have been forever
all alone.
For the longest time I tried to wash away
the dirt of their sins
that crawled inside my mind like he used my body.
I could have been
broken by this world
a trauma junky to the core
hidden inside a used up little whore.
I would have left closed
the doors of my mind
and stayed hiding inside,
done anything to avoid really feeling this life.
I feel like...
I am alone
drowning in the deep dark hole that is
my broken soul.
I am cold
sitting in the dark
so lonely here without the magic of Your spark.
I feel like that young girl again
destroyed in the night
watching the blood spill from my skin
nothing but a slight reflection of the pain within.
I am a submissive without my submission
lost and wandering
lonely and wondering
what I will be when this world is through with me.
I am
my own guard dog
chained to the tree of my own fears
lost in the garden of these passing years.
I am
standing on the edges of sanity
looking into the abyss of psychosis
filled with my own demons.
A blight is falling
on my garden of Eden
where is that feeling of being watched over by something all-knowing and all-seeing?
Leaving me only with this painful state of being
less than I was before, not more than I could have been.
On a road without direction
no map to be my guide
lost and wandering
without You by my side.
Master it is cold inside this heart of mine
Master I am lost again, wandering in the dark
leaning on nothing but a broken heart and a dirty soul.
Master you broke into my tower
demolished the walls within which I hid
opened my mind like a lid
and made me feel kind of like a little kid.
Now I kneel alone here in the pile of rubble that was my shell from the world
as strangers walk by snickering in the dark
no protecting spark
to light my way.
Master may I have my walls back
to keep out this big world full of fear, pain, and tears.
Something else to keep me sane throughout the years.
Master perhaps I should not have given what You have taken
for without You I am now useless
a mere shell of who I am and should have been.
Master please
save me from myself
take me once again from my inner Hell.
Master please
I can't do this anymore.
Owned yet alone
looking at this mess we call home
staring at the rubble of my walls with nowhere to hide
from the nagging little demons inside.
Master won't you please
come back and stay with me.
I am...
Yours.
I could have never been
another man's wife
I would have never known what this experience we call love really is.
The feeling of Your love is like being part of an incredible storm
washing me clean from within, always knowing I am the safest I have ever been
the bite of Your whip on my flesh
as we ride in this space, the sensation of Your hands gripping my throat as You make me admit my most dirty fantasies.
And still You love me. At those moments where it feels like we occupy the same space and time, the closest two beings could ever get, You know me more completely than I know myself.
By owning me, loving me, making me Your whore, and the queen at Your feet, You have made me whole.
As you force me to my knees, making me beg--Master please, You complete me and cleanse my soul.
Everything I am belongs to You.
I love You.
I realize now
that without you I would have been, a slave to my needs
broken to meet other men's means
drowning in the fire
of a broken slut free for use and abuse.
I would have lived forever inside my walls
looking out at my body as it was lost to the world
covered only by a sea of dirty pearls.
I would have spent years
sitting alone with a razor in the dark
trying to drain with my blood
the filth they left within
wondering who I could have been
and where I might have gone.
In the war of my mind
there are no neutral zones
there never was a place good enough to call home.
I would have been forever
all alone.
For the longest time I tried to wash away
the dirt of their sins
that crawled inside my mind like he used my body.
I could have been
broken by this world
a trauma junky to the core
hidden inside a used up little whore.
I would have left closed
the doors of my mind
and stayed hiding inside,
done anything to avoid really feeling this life.
I feel like...
I am alone
drowning in the deep dark hole that is
my broken soul.
I am cold
sitting in the dark
so lonely here without the magic of Your spark.
I feel like that young girl again
destroyed in the night
watching the blood spill from my skin
nothing but a slight reflection of the pain within.
I am a submissive without my submission
lost and wandering
lonely and wondering
what I will be when this world is through with me.
I am
my own guard dog
chained to the tree of my own fears
lost in the garden of these passing years.
I am
standing on the edges of sanity
looking into the abyss of psychosis
filled with my own demons.
A blight is falling
on my garden of Eden
where is that feeling of being watched over by something all-knowing and all-seeing?
Leaving me only with this painful state of being
less than I was before, not more than I could have been.
On a road without direction
no map to be my guide
lost and wandering
without You by my side.
Master it is cold inside this heart of mine
Master I am lost again, wandering in the dark
leaning on nothing but a broken heart and a dirty soul.
Master you broke into my tower
demolished the walls within which I hid
opened my mind like a lid
and made me feel kind of like a little kid.
Now I kneel alone here in the pile of rubble that was my shell from the world
as strangers walk by snickering in the dark
no protecting spark
to light my way.
Master may I have my walls back
to keep out this big world full of fear, pain, and tears.
Something else to keep me sane throughout the years.
Master perhaps I should not have given what You have taken
for without You I am now useless
a mere shell of who I am and should have been.
Master please
save me from myself
take me once again from my inner Hell.
Master please
I can't do this anymore.
Owned yet alone
looking at this mess we call home
staring at the rubble of my walls with nowhere to hide
from the nagging little demons inside.
Master won't you please
come back and stay with me.
I am...
Yours.
I could have never been
another man's wife
I would have never known what this experience we call love really is.
The feeling of Your love is like being part of an incredible storm
washing me clean from within, always knowing I am the safest I have ever been
the bite of Your whip on my flesh
as we ride in this space, the sensation of Your hands gripping my throat as You make me admit my most dirty fantasies.
And still You love me. At those moments where it feels like we occupy the same space and time, the closest two beings could ever get, You know me more completely than I know myself.
By owning me, loving me, making me Your whore, and the queen at Your feet, You have made me whole.
As you force me to my knees, making me beg--Master please, You complete me and cleanse my soul.
Everything I am belongs to You.
I love You.
Feeling like I'm living without submission?
A while back, I felt like something in me changed. Almost like an invisible click. The difference between speaking the words and drowning in them, between a thought and an action, a concept and an experience. That is the only way I can think of describing my descent into submission. Not that it wasn't gratifying and wonderful before, but it was more of a hollow action than a fulfilling state of being. I feel like the longer we practically live in different states, the more that feeling slips away. Without it is like the difference between walking through a bad neighborhood (or my neighborhood if you want to make that distinction lol) with a really big vicious dog, or all alone and naked.
To live where we do really requires that someone be in a constant state of Dominating their surroundings. You accept that you must be willing to step outside and deal with the meth heads on your own (yea, emergency response, not one of our county's strong points), you accept that any kind of creep may come to your door at any time of the night. You accept that you are fully responsible for your own safety and well-being (not that every one isn't anyways, it just seems like some places are a bit more ummm, stressful, than others). I was used to that. I grew up here. But years with M at my side protecting me has removed that feeling of panic I get as dark starts to fall now. It's an ironic and annoyingly pathetic sensation because I am thoroughly capable of taking care of myself. I guess it still lingers with me from the things that happened when I was young. In my heart I always fear a repeat of those nights only worse.
A long time ago, we established that physical distance for extended periods of time was not good for us or our relationship. There is no place to hide from the incessant bill collectors, the fears of what nighttime might bring, the worries about the end of our lives as we know them to be. The submission that is my shell of sanity is not here for me to run to.
I am so fucking tired of being in charge around here. I feel so incredibly empty and alone it's not even laughable. I kind of wish I had friends to come and visit me lol. As anyone who may read this blog already knows, I'm not big on friends. It's not that I wouldn't like to have a few, it's just that I don't need, or want, empty, drama-filled relationships with women who will never really know who I am or even care to do so.
It was more true than I knew when I said that I didn't care where we were or what we had as long as I could rest my knees at M's feet.
To live where we do really requires that someone be in a constant state of Dominating their surroundings. You accept that you must be willing to step outside and deal with the meth heads on your own (yea, emergency response, not one of our county's strong points), you accept that any kind of creep may come to your door at any time of the night. You accept that you are fully responsible for your own safety and well-being (not that every one isn't anyways, it just seems like some places are a bit more ummm, stressful, than others). I was used to that. I grew up here. But years with M at my side protecting me has removed that feeling of panic I get as dark starts to fall now. It's an ironic and annoyingly pathetic sensation because I am thoroughly capable of taking care of myself. I guess it still lingers with me from the things that happened when I was young. In my heart I always fear a repeat of those nights only worse.
A long time ago, we established that physical distance for extended periods of time was not good for us or our relationship. There is no place to hide from the incessant bill collectors, the fears of what nighttime might bring, the worries about the end of our lives as we know them to be. The submission that is my shell of sanity is not here for me to run to.
I am so fucking tired of being in charge around here. I feel so incredibly empty and alone it's not even laughable. I kind of wish I had friends to come and visit me lol. As anyone who may read this blog already knows, I'm not big on friends. It's not that I wouldn't like to have a few, it's just that I don't need, or want, empty, drama-filled relationships with women who will never really know who I am or even care to do so.
It was more true than I knew when I said that I didn't care where we were or what we had as long as I could rest my knees at M's feet.
Friday, June 18, 2010
Expectations
Expectations. We all have them. Anyone who says they don't is either full of crap or dead. The big variable is whether we predominantly expect good things or bad. Generally, M always has good expectations for people, choices, circumstances, etc. Myself, I tend to expect the worst because when people or circumstances fall through, it's less of a let-down. That being said, I'm really concerned that this move is not going to pan out like it's supposed to but there's really nothing I can do about it. It's all on M at the moment and He feels like I don't believe in Him when I express my concerns (so I'm still working on my delivery pbhtt). The fact that M didn't call me last night isn't a super confidence booster. If there's no good news, He tends not to share the news at all.
In all honesty I'm having a bit of an identity crisis lol. submission is kind of like a shell of sanity for me, and when it's consistently not there, I feel ungrounded and a bit off the handle so to speak. I have spent my entire life living in this valley and leaving everything for possibilities is rather nerve wracking. In the whole time we have been together, M has always had his business and that is how He bought our house and how we stay alive. Leaving it all behind and moving with heaps of debt is just stressful for us both.
It sounds silly, but I'm also freaking out about my boy going to school. I home schooled our eldest through second grade and in August he will be going to his first ever public school. It was mainly my decision, because it has just gotten to the point where we spend more time fighting about him doing his work than any actual school and we have very limited space so the little one just will not let him do his work no matter what I do. I didn't get an education until after our first child. My mom home schooled me until third grade, it got to be to much and it just ended there. I was not sent to school or anything. When I went to test into GED classes, it was brutal. I got my GED, took some core college classes, and worked my ass off to keep a 4.0. I swore my kids would never go through that. No matter what it takes they will have a good education and not have to struggle like I did to make up for not getting it when they should have. I'm afraid that the boy just is not learning anymore and where we are moving is supposed to have great schools (unlike where we are now). He has never been left alone with anyone besides family and close friends. I'm finding the concept of trusting the safety of his daily life to a bunch of complete strangers really hard to reconcile as a good idea. As much as he can drive me crazy, I will also miss having him running around all day. I expect a lot from him when it comes to his school work. I don't know if I'm afraid the school will set the bar to low or to high lol. Both I guess. I suppose I feel like I have let him down by giving up on the homeschooling but I don't want him to struggle like I did and it's just not working any more. I think my fears boil down to pretty much one thought--I'm trusting my baby's life and education to complete strangers! I suppose that sounds silly and over protective, it's just something I have to get over. Not all change is bad, but change is also hardly ever easy lol.
In all honesty I'm having a bit of an identity crisis lol. submission is kind of like a shell of sanity for me, and when it's consistently not there, I feel ungrounded and a bit off the handle so to speak. I have spent my entire life living in this valley and leaving everything for possibilities is rather nerve wracking. In the whole time we have been together, M has always had his business and that is how He bought our house and how we stay alive. Leaving it all behind and moving with heaps of debt is just stressful for us both.
It sounds silly, but I'm also freaking out about my boy going to school. I home schooled our eldest through second grade and in August he will be going to his first ever public school. It was mainly my decision, because it has just gotten to the point where we spend more time fighting about him doing his work than any actual school and we have very limited space so the little one just will not let him do his work no matter what I do. I didn't get an education until after our first child. My mom home schooled me until third grade, it got to be to much and it just ended there. I was not sent to school or anything. When I went to test into GED classes, it was brutal. I got my GED, took some core college classes, and worked my ass off to keep a 4.0. I swore my kids would never go through that. No matter what it takes they will have a good education and not have to struggle like I did to make up for not getting it when they should have. I'm afraid that the boy just is not learning anymore and where we are moving is supposed to have great schools (unlike where we are now). He has never been left alone with anyone besides family and close friends. I'm finding the concept of trusting the safety of his daily life to a bunch of complete strangers really hard to reconcile as a good idea. As much as he can drive me crazy, I will also miss having him running around all day. I expect a lot from him when it comes to his school work. I don't know if I'm afraid the school will set the bar to low or to high lol. Both I guess. I suppose I feel like I have let him down by giving up on the homeschooling but I don't want him to struggle like I did and it's just not working any more. I think my fears boil down to pretty much one thought--I'm trusting my baby's life and education to complete strangers! I suppose that sounds silly and over protective, it's just something I have to get over. Not all change is bad, but change is also hardly ever easy lol.
Friday, June 4, 2010
Dominance in daily life, or having to Top your world as a sub
I think I have figured out my biggest discomfort with M being in another state a lot while I am home with the boys and no car. For one, I just miss Him. Plain and simple. But, as I was standing outside my door at 1 am last night listening to someone trying to climb into the yard, I realized that I don't like having to be the Dominant one in daily life. I mean, there are circumstances in which I am almost always topping in some way. In my relationship with the kids, I am Dominant. With my work I am Dominant. When I am home without M, I am Dominant over everything that happens in the lives of the boys and I. The daily responsibility (and nightly, with my new found "friends trying to break into our property), is starting to wrack my nerves in a big way. I rely on M for feelings of security and safety. When I am 100% responsible for the security and safety of the boys and myself, the pressure feels enormous and overwhelming. I mean, don't get me wrong, I am not incapable of it. M has always been very adamant that I be armed when I am here alone (we live in the middle of nowhere and our only neighbors are pretty crazy and dangerous), so I know how to take care of myself, I'm just tired of feeling insecure I guess. And omg do I miss Him!
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