Friday, June 29, 2012

Entirely. To. Hot

The downside
I think my mind has melted in the heat and it's not working any more.
The upside
not thinking as much!

The downside
This morning I thought I owed the chiropractor six grand.
The upside
I owe her 2,500. That's great when compared to the previous number. So I'll keep the big one in mind--it makes this one looks better.

The downside
I'm hot and uncomfortable which equals more bad sub awards.
The upside (I think. Maybe...)
He still wants to do mean things to me.

The downside
it's too hot to function.
The upside
working on it
still thinking...
Heat stroke hasn't killed me?

I hate being cold but I'm about to up and pack for the North Pole.

Thursday, June 28, 2012

Good Books?

I have a gift certificate to our local bookstore, and I want to get it's full worth lol. So I'm looking for book recommendations.
I loved the Diana Gabaldon Outlander series, and the Kushiel series by Jaqueline Carey. But I've read them all...Poor me.

So, any good fiction recommendations? Pretty please lol.
Any votes for Fifty Shades of Grey in any incarnation will be ignored--I thumbed through it at the store. I'm no literary genius, but to write first person in present tense takes skill the writer clearly lacks. And yes, I am judging based solely on skimming four paragraphs.

And thanks to everyone for the lovely comments on my last post.

Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Another Year...

Fourteen years already huh...Looking back, the irony is not lost on me--but it's a good sort of irony. You know what a fan I am of saying, "I told you so" lol.

On one hand it seems like we met eons ago, on the other hand, it feel like only the blink of an eye.

It is true that I didn't know what love was when I met you. You taught me that love is loyal, that true love is unconditional and cares not for the judgement and opinions of others (you taught me how to drive too, but there's no need to rub it in mkay?) you showed me that as a unit we can weather any storm and survive every disaster.

And when things were really really bad between us, you set me free. That was when I truly discovered that I wanted nothing more than to be bound forever to you.

When we said our vows, I refused to promise obedience. Ironic no? But still, I'm not sure that was the wrong choice--promises are no good if you can't keep them. And while I do try my best (okay, most of the time anyways), I do not always achieve the whole obedience bit.

You have showed me that it it is okay to be vulnerable, that risking a love lost is better than to never have loved at all.
You have taught me that one must be themselves in order to truly be loved for who they are.
And that we love people for who they are, not who we think we want them to be.

I would never have guessed that my greatest joy would come in being at your feet, that in being bound I would find myself free, that the joy in being your queen comes to me when I am on my knees.

But I believe that it was just meant to be.
And I like to think that we are just getting started.

I am deeply grateful for the gift of your ownership.
I am glad that it pleases you to be my Master.
And I am yours.

in all ways.

Happy Anniversary Master.


Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Somehow Over Time...

I realized something as I was musing about how long we have been together, and was it really true that we had been at this whole D/s thing 5 or 6 years (hey, anyone will tell you that years spent at home with kids will warp your sense of time. And damage your adult vocabulary).

I realized that, for all my struggles with active submission which seems to be accompanied by inactive Dominance, my struggles are somewhat superficial.
If the relationship is the cake and D/s is the icing, then most of my issues round ttwd are about the sprinkles. And you know, sprinkles are important too--bad ones can ruin a perfectly good cake with delicious icing.

Over time, many aspects of the exchange of power just are. They become an automatic part of life.

Like how the final say is always his. Even if he adapts my view of disagreement, my way only happens if he decides it does.
Or the way I take him the coffee in the morning no matter what--it just is. I don't even think about it. I take my first drink after fixing it up and hand it over until he decides to hand it back. Anyone who shouldn't be spoken to before their morning coffee can appreciate the magnitude of that one lol.
And the way I always check before spending money even though I'm the thrifty one.
Or how I automatically look for his okay no matter what.
And the dismay I feel if I cook something he doesn't like...

There's so much that just...Is.

And somehow over time, all those things and more became the way we live.

I get distracted by the sprinkles, but they can be added at his will and in the end, they don't have all that much to do with our basic structure. Though the process of scraping them off can be a real pain.

I tend to focus so much on the aspects I struggle most with, that I sometimes overlook the things that have become part of who we are.

Monday, June 25, 2012

Good Grief...

Okay, so I decided I didn't like the adds on the other gadget, so I tried messing with the formspring box...Yea, I have no future in coding. I did somehow manage to get it to turn into some karate thing with a picture (wtf?!)...So the damn thing is just blue and says ask me anything...Because that's how it was made and I couldn't change it.

If You Thought I Was Random Before...

I got nothing interesting. Like my disclaimer? That way, no matter what kind of randomness I spout, no one can claim that they weren't warned lol.

I gave up on the formspring gadget, but I think I did find something that will work though it doesn't have an option for anonymous submission. I have no idea if it has a character limit or not, but I do know it works because I tested it out on myself lol.

Our anniversary is Wednesday and we get 24 whole hours to ourselves. Yea, we're still trying to figure out what to do with all that time--so many options!
The 27th is pretty much our everything anniversary--the day we met, the day we got together, the date we got married, my first collar was an anniversary present.
See, grouping things like that makes things so much simpler. There's so much less to remember!

Alpha has pretty much decided his terms for the out of state job. Now he just has to call the contractor back and see if the guy agrees to them. If it ends up being a go, it looks like he'll be gone for 7 days at a time.
Yea, it's been two years since I really spent any time at home alone. It would be a bit of an adjustment to say the least.
I have decided not to have a wish in either direction--if he gets it, we need the money. If he doesn't get it, well I didn't want to spend that much time home alone anyways! See, now I can be happy either way.

In other completely related news, I have decided to get my hair cut. Just a trim and some feathering up the front I think.
It's been a long time since I went and had it done professionally. I was not that happy with it last time--went in for a trim and some feathering up the front. Damn woman took off six inches and added a weird curve at the bottom (her idea of feathering up the front apparently), which made it nearly impossible for me to trim myself. Needless to say, I'll be going somewhere else this time.
I'm still nervous though--they cut off so damn much and my hair takes forever to grow. Someone's gotta fix the damage I did last time I cut it myself though lol.

Sunday, June 24, 2012

Technical Irritations

I have a formspring account, but it's pissing me off because I can't figure out how to edit the damn box for my blog. So I went looking for some other kind of question submission form...Yea, no success there. Any recommendations?

And I know I said I was done complaining about the new dashboard...But I'm afraid to follow new blogs because I can't figure out how I would quit following if I wanted to. I do Not have commitment issues lol.

Exciting stuff no?

Friday, June 22, 2012

Random Nothings

Laying crushed under his weight with my arms wrapped around his shoulders, I panted in his ear, "Does owning me make you happy?" Without pausing, he replied, "Yes. Very much so."

Being somewhat dense, I repeated the question twenty minutes later (you never know, sometimes we say things in the heat of the moment...I wanted to be sure he meant it).
In the dark I could tell that he was looking at me like I had turned green and sprouted horns, "Of course it does, I should punish you for even asking."

Okay then...Is it wrong that I passed out with a smile on my face?

That's the extent of our interactions this week lol.
Soccer camp is over and I gotta say--longest friggin week in history.

And I managed to bring home an insanity award to add to my stack of worst mother evers, bitchiest interfering sister of all time, worst sub ever, and most prudish whore of all time.
See, the woman who was orgainzing the camps won't be doing it next year. And if there's no one to organize it, they won't come here. So I told them that if absolutely no one else could, I would.
So lets all cross our fingers that the lady who volunteered doesn't back out between now and next year lol.

Alpha might have a job...Which would normally be cause for celebration, but it's in a different state so he would be spending alternating weeks at home. I'm not horribly keen on it.
The thing is, stuff like that was a lot easier before ttwd. But hey, I'll live. I might drown in my Cheerios, but I like to think he'll come drag me back out lol.

And now my couch is calling my name. Loudly. Nice to be missed isn't it?

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Where We Were is Not Quite Where We Are

This week is insane. What on earth made me think it was a good idea to do the good parenting bit and enroll them in a week long soccer camp guaranteeing myself three hours a day in the car and a work schedule that is just plain wrong?

But, as much as I tried to turn it off, my mind is still rolling. So before I curl up and--oh wait, they need food too?! Wtf--ahem, before I eventually go to sleep, I thought I would get rid of some excess brain clutter.

The other day, someone asked me if Alpha and I had always had this dynamic. My answer was an automatic "no."
Then I started thinking (still trying to quit that. What can I say), in a way this arrangement of power was not new to us.
I think that the realization of how far it could be taken, and that we could agree on it as a way of life was new. And the agreement that it wasn't a game and that's how our relationship was going to be structured settled our power struggles to a minimum.
Really though, those realizations and agreements did change things in a huge way.

Looking back at how far we have come makes me smile. It reminds me how far we have come. And that perhaps much of my internal struggle and worry is totally unnecessary--because where we are is no longer where we were, and where we are going is like one of those roads that wanders so far into the distance that you can't see the end of it.

And you can't make it anywhere by skipping steps. You just take your time and travel your path and the beauty comes in the discoveries made along the way.

Sunday, June 17, 2012

Sometimes I like it Just Because I don't

It will be a wonder if anyone makes it to the end of this post, and a minor miracle if it makes any sense lol. I suggest large amounts of coffee.

I have been musing about something for a while...
Specifically why doing something that I really don't want to do and don't enjoy just because he says do it, makes me want that thing in a whole different way.

I swear I'm not trying to be obtuse and I know that my phrasing leaves something to be desired lol.

So I'll try again.

I can be turned on by him doing things I genuinely do not like--just because I don't actually like it and he does it anyways.


I think it has to do with control--because I don't like it, I am clearly not in control.
He very clearly is in control because I don't like it and he does it anyways.

Sometimes, when he's doing something to me, I am so done.
I just want it to stop. But he keeps going.
Then I start to think about it.

And I need him to keep going simply because I know I can't stop him even though I want to.
In those moments, when the realization hits me that "no" won't change a thing, the surrender becomes only for him.

That is when I need it. No matter how badly I don't want it.

He has this fantasy...And logically, I don't like it--at all. Thinking about it brings out all the worst parts of me lol. Submissive who? I buried her in the backyard...Right where I plan on burying that other girl...
Yet he has made me get off on it more than once. And I do because it is so clearly not what I want, that the fact he might make me do it anyways makes me melt.

I think that it takes a great deal of trust to accept this feeling. Because some things aren't wanted for a very good reason. And if he didn't know me so well, or really didn't give a crap, we could easily end up in a very bad place.
So it's a fine line made all the more delicious to walk upon for its tenuous balance.

But it is in giving up control that I receive the control I most need.

Of course, there are also many times he chooses not to do what I don't want or to do what I do want. And I am deeply grateful...
I do strive for clarity and understanding when I write. This time I'm not sure that I even came close lol.

Though it is scary and it is hot--that sometimes I like things just because I don't.

Friday, June 15, 2012

More About Fantasies

I could grumble about one of my email accounts getting hacked, or theorize about what exactly brought someone here off the search "constipated submissive" (not all hits are flattering. What can I say lol), or I could try to force out the draft that's been sitting for ages about trusting people to be who they are. But I'm striving for focus here people!
Can't you tell?

I'm talking about fantasies because I have such a difficult time with them. Well, that and I wandered around blogland yesterday, and read this.
Funny how something can inspire you as you realize that you have a completely different opinion about it than the writer did...But that is one of the beauties of inspiration right?

There was a time when it would never have occurred to me to share my fantasies with Alpha. Then he caught me acting out fantasies I previously never knew I had, online.
So He started pushing me to talk about them. And holy crap was it awful. You know that feeling when you're sure the sky is going to fall if you don't hurry up and crawl under a rock? Yep, that was how I felt.

But I think that was one of the things that helped us to discover O/our space--that place where anything can be said, any fantasy shared, any thought spoken, and it's okay. No matter what.

Many of the thoughts I have read online seem to lean in the direction that fantasies exist to be private--they are ours to hold and keep as our own.
And I'm not saying those thoughts are wrong because they illustrate the uniqueness of individual relationships and existence.

I believe that there is truth, and there is absolute truth (I'm still focusing. Promise).
Truth is what I and others believe it to be. But each person's is, to a large extent, dependent on them as an individual.
Absolute truth is like an un-bendable Universal law--it does not change or adapt itself to whatever we believe it to be or think it should be. It just...Is. And it's difficult to see because we already have our own truths, and sometimes they stand between us and that clearer absolute view.

For me, it feels like sharing my fantasies with Alpha brings us closer to that absolute truth. Because there, in that moment, there is no judgement, not even really my truth or his truth, just a complete removal of barriers between us.
Like humiliation and pain, and those huge life events that alter everything we think we know or thought we were, it brings us closer to the realm of absolute truth.

Interestingly enough, I don't feel the need to know all of Alpha's fantasies. Yes, I am curious (curiosity is a bit like thinking--dangerous stuff that), but I don't feel that knowing them would necessarily bring us closer. Or even that they are really any of my business.
Seems like there is a huge discrepancy in that statement doesn't it? And I'm not sure I quite have it figured out yet...I'm open to ideas on that one lol.
Maybe it is, in part, because I trust that I will know should he decide to make them a reality...

I think that sometimes we judge ourselves for our fantasies. And with that judgement comes a certainty that the world too will judge us. And perhaps that is true.
But when you share the most hidden thoughts that get you off and the person you tell doesn't gasp in horror and run away waving their little flag of morality? It can be a rather freeing experience.

There is definitely shame in admitting my fantasies. But there is something similar to punishment in doing so--a purity, a sense of absolution.
In admission of my dirtiest fantasies I have found a deep sense of release. Because it brings him one step deeper into my mind. And there is one less part that is only mine.
Oddly enough, the more of them I have shared, the less I have them...

I can't decide if this post is reflective of too much coffee or not enough...

But there's no point in beating a dead horse unless you're sure it has really bit the dust right?

Thursday, June 14, 2012

Pure. Uncensored. Rant

I actually think I want to expand on the whole fantasies thing, but I have other thoughts on my mind at the moment.

Would someone kindly tell me why my only true dreams are the bad ones? Well, the ones that are about the living anyways...
I have dreamed that thing1 left rehab, then that she was using again. Then I dreamed of thing2 fighting with her fiance, then I dreamed of her and woke with only a feeling of anger.

So this morning, who calls but thing2's fiance--to say that thing1 left rehab and they moved her in with them. Last week. Because she called up with some line of bullshit about being fed expired food and how terrible the place was.

I picked that rehab for her. And I'm a smart girl. I did massive amounts of research on that place. It was the very best across the board in three states.

I think that love is the most amazing emotion we are capable of. Nothing else can encompass such a wide range of experiences and other emotions.
But love isn't easy is it? Love for lovers, family, friends, life, the family dog...It's not easy.

My head hurts.
Oh yea, and I get to go back to the Doc for a round of tests because apparently, it's not normal to have chronic headaches for this long after an accident.
Who knew? Lol.

I'll respond to the comments on my last post tomorrow. When my mind doesn't feel like it's imploding. One can always at least strive to make sense right?

Sharing Fantasies

When I woke up this morning, I had nothing in my brain besides weird dreams about sex, showers, and very large spiders, along with a somewhat inexplicable irritation with thing2. Not nesesarily in that order or in any way connected lol. SoI was quite happy to find an inkling of something completely unrelated to any of the above in my mind lol.

I used to think of them as something to be kept locked away and never admitted to. Like a hidden shameful little gem that you never admit to having and only wear when no one is looking.
Ironically, I think that it was in being made to admit my fantasies that defined our first big steps into D/s.

Because when someone starts poking around in your mind for all those little gems you hold tight and secret, they have stepped into your inner sanctum. It begins stripping you of those walls that do so well at keeping your hidden self in and others out.

And I suppose that if your fantasies are about Unicorns and rainbows, it's not that difficult to admit them (though hmmm, Unicorns, that's beyond my kind of kink...So maybe that would be rough lol).

For me it's a bit humiliating and quite mortifying to look my husband in the eyes, (what is with the insistence on eye contact at the worst possible moments??) and admit fantasies that run the gambit of dirty from things that would be absolutely awful in real life to those that I now not so secretly, would like to come true.

The ones I would want to come true? Oh those are definitely harder to admit too, even if they are less drastic.

Does he know my deepest darkest fantasies? So far, yes. Fantasies are funny things though no? They tend to evolve with us.
Avoiding admission when he asks is not an option for me. He wants to know and he'll get that knowledge one way or another.

Has he told me his darkest fantasies? Truth be told, I don't know. I think that I do know his favorite one, and my part in it is small--as an unwilling observer so to speak.
He has told me fantasies that shocked the shit out of me but after thought, became something that I could rather easily see myself participating in.

Admission of our darkest fantasies, the thoughts and images we hold to ourselves in the dark, the ones that make us dripping wet with shame, that admission brings us closer.
Because we keep them so close inside ourselves. Hidden safely from the world. Until someone comes in and begins exploring the dark corners, dissecting what makes us tick. Or drip as the case may be.

Sometimes fantasies are the last vestiges of the things we keep as our own. And when we share them, not only are they no longer our personal inner property, they have served up that which we find most shameful and hot, into the hands of another.
So there is wonder about what they will do with those fantasies--will we be judged and condemned? Will they come to fruition? Or will they be accepted and stored away in that personal dungeon created inside our relationship?

Monday, June 11, 2012

Expressions of Dominance

I had this moment...And something just...Clicked.
The expression in his eyes...That's what did it--his expression of Dominance.
In that moment, I realized that it's those expressions that keep me where I want to be.

Then I realized that a person can only batter at someone elses walls for so long. And if it's those expressions of Dominance that help me tick, that swallow me whole, and make me feel in a way that nothing else does, the way I want to feel every day of my life?

Then maybe it's time I stopped fighting it.
I mean, after a point, it's a bit ridiculous to battle in an attempt to not give someone what you both want/need.

And I think I get it now.
This whole very long couple of months and a few looks and moments in the kitchen today, and now I know.
I do need it.
And he has no desire to fight for my submission any longer.

I don't know if it was intentional on his part. But I feel like I learned a very big lesson (damn I hope it sticks).

Sitting there, staring back at his expression of Dominance--the look in his eyes that the only right is obedience. His eyes tell me he has no doubt
that I will submit
that he knows what I am
and he will not be denied.

In that moment, my mind drifts to a deep ache in the center of my being
and I feel myself melting
and it's kind of terrifying, that feeling of complete willingness to allow someone to do anything they want.

In that place I realize that my only real fear is no longer being under his control.
And I understand that denying him is denying myself.

Because those expressions of his Dominance
my life in his hands
my existence under his control...
Those things help make me who I was meant to be.

D/s Withdrawal

Given the fact that thing1 detoxed here last month, this post, or at least its title, may be in poor taste. But I'm happy. So I don't really care. Lol.

I swear the man is more of a sadist than he thinks or is willing to admit.

He watches me go through all my withdrawal symptoms:

At first I'm cool--just little miss independent doin her thing
then I start thinking that maybe, "doin my thing" isn't really so grand after all
so I start being on my best behavior--"see, I can be a good girl, a really really really good girl!"
Nada. Zip. Zilch.

Alright, I'll ask really, really, Really nicely.
Well that didn't work...

So he doesn't care huh!? I'm going to file an unofficial complaint.

So here I come, waving my little, "official complaint."
Hmmm, Office must be terribly backed up, because I'm not even getting an automated message.

So hey, might as well bang on the door and raise a bit of a stink.
Ha. Damn doors must be made of soundproof iron.

So I slouch off in defeat.
I don't really need to be Dominated! I'm little miss independent with road rage.
So there!

Pretty, pretty please with a cherry and tears on top?!
I'll beg!!

Okay, I'm begging...

Never mind. *sigh* Now I'll just sink into a shallow grave of self pity and depression.

That bridge is calling my name...Life is pointless, my existence has no meaning, I now know beyond a shadow of a doubt that he no longer wants to own me.
He doesn't even like me!

I'm gonna die in my Cheerios.

Then, like a million years later, he says:
"Do you need to be used little one?"

Oh. Great. Green. Freakin. Goddess.

Saturday, June 9, 2012

A Letter to my Love

It's funny how we think that we know who we are and will be until we look back and see that we are no longer who we were.

Suddenly, when we are here, now, spending so much time together under the same roof, I find myself missing the intimacy of being truly close to you in O/our space.
A couple of months ago you began refusing to punish me for anything (that really sounds so much more glorious than it is. It sounds great. It actually sucks).
And when I failed, I begged for punishment and the purity of absolution that comes with it. You said no. So I continued to try.

And I tried to be a good girl. I tried so hard. But it felt like you didn't see. That there was no difference between being a good girl and...Not. Except perhaps in the way I felt. That I knew I was trying to please, even if you didn't see. So I kept trying.

Because it's not all about what's in it for me, not all about what I get from you, but about what I can surrender to you, what I can offer in return.
Because I believe that the truest tests of submission are not in the things that come easy, but in those moments of balking where things are not what I want, or how I believe they should be.

I love interacting with you in any way that presents itself (except when you're mad at me. That just sucks).
I love believing that there is a purpose in everything you do to me--even if the purpose is as simple as for your pleasure.
I love bending to your will and trembling beneath your grasp in anticipation.
I love the way you think and how you see the world.
I love that you are so loyal, sometimes I want to strangle you for your own good.
I love how I can, and do, trust you with my life.
Most of all though,
I just love you.

Life is hard and we each cope with it as best we can. I know you love me deeply (oh c'mon, I know you have something to say about that lol).
I hear it in your voice, I see it in your eyes, I feel it in your touch.
And I know how very hard you try.

The thing is...Lately there are many times that I feel like you are in your own world--as if we live in the same space, but exist in separate places.

Maybe there is some perfect expression of submission out there that can thrive on the occasional demand. And submit gracefully to that form of Dominance.
To put it eloquently--I ain't it.

I am what you have helped me to become.
It is not who I thought I would be
but I find myself most content and complete when I sit at your feet.
Because I am what you have helped me to become.
And I crave your control more than you may ever truly know.

Friday, June 8, 2012

O/our Space

Occasionally I find myself in a bit of a quandary (yes, I said occasionally. Go ahead, finish snorting your coffee and have a good laugh. I don't mind. Really).

The thing is, one can't ask for complete honesty from their submissive and expect that they are always going to be happy with what they hear.

Admittedly, communication is not my strong point. And I'm still working on the difficult art of disagreeing respectfully (look, that's not as easy as it sounds ya'know).
Because it's so hard to open my mouth and say something that makes sense and isn't offensive. Yea...Lol.

We have this space though...It's that place with my head on resting on his knee, or laying on his chest, a place where I can say anything, and no matter what I'm saying, it's okay because my words are true.

Perhaps that's one of the things I feel most bereft of (dramatic enough you think?) when we are just floating along vanilla style--I feel like that space kind of disappears. Due in no small part to a lack of those available moments I suppose.
And ironically, my already challenged communication skills manage to deteriorate even further lol.

I could just walk up to him and say, "I need your attention, I need your control, I need that conquered feeling to know I am complete."
And yes, I did say basically that...Followed by "We don't have to be this any more." His response was totally reassuring: "You would have a nervous breakdown."
Umm...Thanks for thinking of me? Lol.

Maybe submission shouldn't be, in such a large part, about a constant need to be conquered. Perhaps one day I'll grow past that.
You know, when I quit breathing at least lol.

I crave the D/s.
It progresses past want to need.
But what I really really need, is O/our space. That place where no matter what is happening, no matter what I tell him, no matter what he decides to do, no matter what is wrong in the world, all is right with us because there is nothing coming between him and I. Not even thought.

And D/s brings us that space. Without effort, without struggle.
It just is.

Thursday, June 7, 2012

Different Ways of Coping

When it comes to the daily stress of being human with responsibilities, somehow our D/s became my coping mechanism.

But how can one be submissive if there is nothing to submit to? Yea, kind of like the whole stupid saying, "If a tree falls in the forest and no one's there to hear it, does it still make a sound?" I always thought that was a ridiculous question...

I understand that Domination isn't a cakewalk. And maybe it's more of a stress than a stress reliever for him these days.

But if I am not submissive to his Dominance, what am I?
Lots of things of course.
Mostly just a highly stressed cranky mother obsessing about all the things that make her worry.

Sometimes it feels like he works really hard to get us to a point where my submission flows, where it is my first and last thought, where I am it and it is me.
Then he stops Dominating.
And I start to flounder like a stupid gasping fish without water.

Of course, this too shall pass. Everything does. But in this moment, here and now, it feels like it never will.

Alpha says that we all have our own ways of coping. And he's right. But what happens when our ways differ so very much? Well, besides me coming here to whine that is...

I meant it when I said that I was okay with whatever form his Dominance takes because it's his way. Though being okay with something can be a far cry from being happy about it lol.

He's stressed, I'm stressed, life is a big 'ole factory of friggin stress.
And I guess that, for now, my submission is about accepting that part of his way of coping is not Dominating.

Ironically, I have a tendency to throw a fit when he starts again.
I try so very damn hard to avoid convenient submission. That's not to say that I am always, or even mostly, successful...But I do try.

Maybe I need a hobby...

Tuesday, June 5, 2012


Does it sound really bad if I admit that the biggest reason I haven't posted for days it that I felt obliged to answer comments first and was feeling lazy?


I have thoughts...I even have a draft or two floating around. In my head at least.

But it's been pretty quiet lately.

And I have nothing D/s related to talk about. Which leads to angsty rambles about D/s shit.
Or lengthy and confused ramble about different theories.

Maybe tomorrow will bring fountains of inspiration.


Friday, June 1, 2012


So, I found one of my posts reprinted on another blog, and one kind of used and changed to fit her own post. I don't have a problem with people using my work. But I do mind when it is reprinted as if it was their own.

That being said, is there really anything that can be done about it besides asking the author to give credit or remove the post (which I did, we'll see...)? In which case it's entirely up to their discretion. And I rather think that if you are going to plagiarize in the first place, chances are you aren't going to observe the niceties when someone says please and thank you.

In the end, it's the internet and anyone can take what they want from anywhere. It's not really a big deal. But I put serious thought into some of these posts lol. Surprisingly easy to get attached to silly words on a page isn't it.

I have a bunch of comments to respond to, and I'll get there. I just find myself rather irritated at the moment lol.