Sunday, March 31, 2013

Privacy and a Moment of Grace

Privacy. I have none.
Well, sometimes I do when he decides I do, but I don't have expectations of privacy when it comes to Alpha. I guess you could say that my privacy is dependent on his mood.
He says that I would be sad if I had privacy, and maybe he's right--I like that he has enough interest to not allow it.

As he was leading me to the bathroom last night, I was complaining about this whole privacy thing. Well, in all fairness, I was complaining about the lack of it.
He scoffed, told me to prepare the enema bag, and get over it.

Oddly enough, I did very much get over it shortly thereafter.

Maybe it was when he put me on my knees in the tub and told me to insert the enema
or when I felt the warm stream of piss hitting my back
maybe it was when he washed my hair as I begged to go to the toilet
or when he repeatedly shoved his cock so far down my throat that I gagged
maybe it was when he pulled me into the shower and washed me down.

Suddenly nothing else mattered.
Because I was no longer submitting
I was nothing more and nothing less than

As I was putting away the enema bag, I felt a moment of grace. Not just abstract grace, but physical grace.
Everything that is me was wrapped up in that moment in time.

And I truly do believe that surrender is, and always will be, my greatest form of grace.

Because when nothing is hidden
and nothing is held on to
when notions about how and who we should be are left behind
and I simply let myself become whatever it is he wishes me to be
when I surrender all that I am to all that he is

in that moment
there is a beautiful grace unlike anything else.

Saturday, March 30, 2013

Sorry, But I Think We are Speaking Different Languages

I've been thinking again, (yea yea, explosive and dangerous stuff. I know) about this whole blogging and people thing.
I seriously debated posting this because I have received a fair amount of what I consider to be genuine communications from new subs lately, and I don't wish to discourage them or to imply that I feel their communications are anything less than honest. And I do hope that none of those people take this personally, because it's not a dig at them. But this topic has been on my mind for a while, so naturally, from brain to mouth, (or page) it shall go--as usual.

There's actual people who read and write--it's not just words, it's the people behind them, the people who believe them, the people who consume them, the people who disagree with them.

We write a construct. Either an expression of the truth and who we are, or far from it. For the most part, people who write fiction write it as just that--fictional stories for entertainment (or getting off, whichever. Either is cool).

Then there is the occasional line of bullshit. And sure, you can try to feed it to people, but we don't have to eat it up.

It could be argued that you can never really know which blogs are "real" and which aren't, and I suppose that's a valid argument. Either way, they're all written by real people, the only question being whether they are expressing their reality or not.
Unless it's obvious bullshit, I tend not to really dwell on it much--maintaining a fictional blog whilst pretending it's reality seems like a lot more effort than most people would want to go through.
If I think that it's bullshit, I just don't read it. Simple right?
I really would
There's a whole world of people out here, and it is inevitable that honesty is not going to be a trait held and valued by all.

But I'm not thinking about bloggers really. I'm thinking about readers.
In general, I think it's bad form to talk about other bloggers unless one has been inspired and borrows a concept. Amendment: It has come to my attention that this sentence could come off all wrong, so to clarify, I think it's bad form to talk shit about other bloggers.
I try to be approachable, and I try to take people at pretty much face value--many of us look to connect with others like us, seek advice from people who have more experience, reach out when we feel someone is in need, etc. And that is all very cool. It makes for a lovely sense of community and...Not aloneness (yea, yea--I know it's not really a word).
I get a fair amount of emails that say nothing more than "Thank you for showing me that I am not alone." And you know what? I appreciate those emails--because some days it is a bit odd to empty one's heart onto the page and know that the world can see it. So don't get me wrong--I really do appreciate the majority of communications that I have received.
However, I think that the longer one blogs, and as the size of one's readership grows, so do the lines of bullshit that people are willing to try and feed you.
Lately, blogging has felt...A bit odd. I dunno...

Perhaps I tend to display my sweet and slutty side here more than my other traits, but just in case you
didn't get the memo--submissive does not equal brain dead. Some bloggers seem to get everyone's share of hate mail. Apparently I am qualified to receive, "I think you're stupid" mail.
And just because I'll read it, debate it's merit, and attempt to give it's writer the benefit of the doubt, does not mean that I will ultimately decide to believe the bullshit. Because you can package up all the shit you want to sell, but I don't have to buy it.
In all honesty, I think that I would rather get hate mail than bullshit mail--I much prefer an honest dispute over dishonest camaraderie.

Wednesday, March 27, 2013

The Emotional Masochist

By this point, we have clearly established that I'm not much of a masochist. The phrase "Worlds wussiest masochist" comes to mind...

However, I can wear the title of emotional masochist rather well.

Now, "Emotional masochist" is one of those terms that you probably don't want to Google. Kind of like "Headache and fever" because by the end of page one, you will go from mild pain, to meningitis patient on her deathbed. Or in this case, from mostly stable, to incredibly self destructive and emotionally damaged.

So, I'm not debating definitions here, I am making my own. And no, I haven't quite decided what mine is in word form yet, but I have a whole post for you to figure it out right?

I realize that this is going to be a highly interpretable sentence, and that most interpretations will be terrible, but there might be a few of you who "get" it:
The emotional masochist is the person who shines and gets shit done when a loved one dies--because they can ride the high of being in emotional agony. And they are the one's who crash hardest when that high fades.

I do occasionally crave pain, because it gets me out of my head. There is a certain release in pain or in the pain/pleasure combination, that isn't really achieved with other physical sensations.

But what I really crave, what really turns me on and makes me melt, are the things I don't want. The things that make me cringe and blush, the things that make me want to run away and hide, the things that make me squirm and want to crawl away--the things that I find humiliating.

To me, that is emotional masochism.

Humiliation is about control--someone having enough control over you that you are willing to fall into any depths because they so desire it. It's about being stripped bare in ways far beyond the physical experiences we use to define ourselves. It's about going so far down that you can't see the top, and he is the only reality that truly exists.

Emotional masochism is surrender. Surrender to all that we try to keep hidden and find difficult to accept about ourselves.
The emotional masochist is the voice that whispers "Tie me to a chair and make me watch you fuck someone else, push me over the edge and watch me fall, grab me back up just before I crash and break into a million tiny pieces. Inspect me from head to toe, and push me just far enough beyond my limits that I crack. Then pick me up and put me back together in whatever new form pleases you."

Emotional masochism is wanting someone to crawl so deep into your mind that you are willing to bypass all of your own desires in order to achieve theirs. It is the sensation of fulfilling one's purpose simply by experiencing things that one explicitly does not want.

At this point, I think it is worth mentioning that one doesn't want to become a Google statistic. I do believe that emotional masochism can be a terribly unhealthy thing if it is not managed correctly.
In a way, it is also much easier to damage the emotionally masochistic than it is to take physical masochism too far--because the marks are not clearly visible to the naked eye.

The emotional masochist is willing to surrender to anything.
Owning an emotional masochist requires knowing when to stop, and how to put them back together. It is paying attention to the cracks and caring enough to avoid the things that will cause real, lasting, and irreparable harm.
Just because someone is willing to travel to the depths of hell, doesn't mean that you should actually take them there.

Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Obvious facts

I was working on a post, and Blogger decided to publish it without my consent. Quite rude if you ask me...

So I decided to post an obvious fact. Because I'm still working on my post dammit!

I'll get there eventually...

Sunday, March 24, 2013


If anyone happens to come across a tall blond man kicking a poor little abused, and unloved sense of humor around, carefully peek around for his kinder half and send his wife's starved and lonely sense of humor back home with him will you? I don't mind if it's still stuck to the bottom of his boot--I'll scrape it off and revive it later.

The one in front would be me...Free free to take bets as to whether it's a before or after post picture.

For a while I was a bit concerned that the week would end like this:

Ouch Doesn't sum it up...

But I think that we're working our way around to this:

He likes me again, he likes me again!


Friday, March 22, 2013

A Question of Pleasing

"I had my first Sub experience last Wednesday. It opened a side of me that I never knew was there and now I want more! How can I please him like no other? I want to be the Sub of his dreams. Any ideas are appreciated since I'm completely new to this whole thing!"

First off, I find this to be an exceptionally open-ended question--how we please is greatly dependent on the situation we are in. Given the context I have, I will assume that this is a new relationship.

Secondly, the only way anyone can possibly become the sub of a man's dreams, is to base submission on him and his input--who is he, what does he like, what pleases him, what does he want, what is his idea of the submissive of his dreams?

That being said...

One of the things that I think happens when we are new, is that we love to leap without looking first (okay, so maybe some of us keep I kept that tendency).
So take it slow.
Instead of first focusing on how to please him like no other, some time might be well spent coming to an understanding of what your idea of Dominance and submission is. Because seriously, interpretations are like fish in the sea--there are many.
Do you really want to be the submissive of his dreams? Not all dreams are worth making into a reality.
And while the desire to please is an important and wonderful thing, you are still human, you still have feelings, there will be things that you genuinely never want to do, and things that you might be willing to try.
We should never allow our desire to please to lead us down a path on which we know that we will encounter real harm--because as crappy and unexciting as it may sound, we still have responsibility for our own well-being.

I have come to believe that submission is ultimately about what the Dominant desires it to be--submission is not ours, it is theirs and takes the shape of what they want and believe it to be. But if we have no clue about what we need from D/s, it will be very difficult to have a fulfilling experience or relationship.

How do you please him like no other? You ask him what pleases him.
How do you become the sub of his dreams? You ask him what the sub of his dreams is.
Then you take what you have learned, absorb it, decide if that is something you yourself want for your life, and do the best that you can.

I think that is ultimately the only real answer I can offer to your question; however, I do have a few ideas that might help you out along the way:

Be honest and transparent. If you really don't like something--tell him! You aren't pleasing by misleading.
But really, be honest about everything. Sometimes we have to stop and think about how to phrase things politely, but honesty and transparency can take you to incredible places that are difficult to imagine.

Communicate (see a theme here?).
If you don't communicate your needs, thoughts, and feelings, he won't know them. Being submissive doesn't outweigh being human--we have thoughts, fears, feelings, needs, desires, etc. We are all complex creatures with many facets. Without communication, we can't explore ourselves and our possibilities to their full extent.
If he doesn't communicate his expectations and what he wants and likes, you can't please him--because you don't have the tools to know what is necessary to do so.

Be observant.
This analogy might be a little crude, but this is a D/s blog, so you get what you get lol.
It's kind of like giving a blowjob only on a larger scale--if you're doing something and the reaction is good, you keep doing it and explore how you can make it better. If you're getting a bad response or none at all, then you adjust your approach and try something different. If you aren't observing and paying attention, you won't know what is pleasing and what isn't.
And the more you do it with one person, the better you get at knowing exactly what they like.

Hear him.
This kind of goes hand in hand with being observant, and is not quite the same as listening. Truly hear and absorb what he says and does--because he is the only person who can teach you how to please him.

Be yourself.
I think that over time, we often discover that our submission and ourselves have been largely shaped by our Dominants; however, pretending to be something we are not in order to please, is the opposite of submission--it is creating a false construct when we are supposed to be stripping away barriers and constructs that we use as defenses against the world.
At its core, D/s is a primal and raw experience. One can never get to that core if we continually pretend to be something that we are not.

And just to reiterate...In the beginning is not the time to leap without looking. So take your time, enjoy your explorations, and good luck on your journey.
If there's anything else you want to add, or see added to, feel free to use the comments box to your hearts content!

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

Surrender to Silence

Things have been...A little off around here. It's to be expected, and isn't really a surprise.
Now that I am feeling slightly better, I expect to feel the full force of his disillusionment. Most likely in the form of him expressing his sadistic tendencies.

An occurrence that I am anticipating with no small amount of trepidation. Because um, he's feeling a bit on the cruel side lately.
But that's okay. Because we seem to have temporarily lost our space. Minds are loud, thoughts are scattered, and inner stillness has been swallowed by the loud clamor of unclear ideas.

Within pain and its infliction though, there is a silence. That peaceful quiet wherein all thought becomes quiet. A surrender to him, surrender to the pain, surrender to silence.
Between the quiet sounds of pain there is a silence. And in that silence we become and accept all that we are. In that silence there is nothing more and nothing less...Than us.

Tuesday, March 19, 2013

A Question of Understanding Need?

"I'm scared to tell my fiance about how much of a sub i can be. My need to satisfy him in and out of the bedroom goes beyond any normal relationship. He knows that I have been in DOM/SUB relationships before but he isn't really in to that kind of thing. I just cant get him to understand that all I want to do is make him happy and proud. If I do something wrong then punish me.I always ask him if im allowed to do this or that and I also make sure that his needs are met but he is still holding back. It irritates me so much because I really need that control over me and he just wont do it. How do I get him to understand my need of being a sub without scaring him off?"

First, I would just like to say that if communications was a class I had to take, it would have ruined my GPA.

Why do I always seem to have questions as soon as I sit down to answer questions like this? First question that comes to mind, is why so scared to tell him?
I understand being nervous, and having a terrible time sharing some thoughts, but I'm not sure about the reasoning for being so terrified of it in this case...?

In my humble opinion, the best first step would be to come to an understanding of whether you need, or want his control.
Do you need to have it in order to stay with this man forever? Do you want it and can live without that control if it becomes an either/or situation--him or D/s.
And, if all you want to do is to make him happy and proud, can you accept that doing so might take the form of not being his submissive? Because it is quite possible that D/s is something he won't ever be "in to".

You have obviously made it to the point in your relationship where a commitment has been made, but this sounds like something you need to resolve before taking the next step. It seems to me that a man might feel terribly misled to only find out something like this after the wedding.
Telling him how much of a sub you are shouldn't be able to break the relationship, and if it does, then was the relationship solid enough to last in the first place?

I think that once you have clearly established what is need and what is want, it would be well worth your time to sit down and ask him why he's holding back. Then talk to him about how important D/s is to you.
You entered into the relationship with the understanding that it wasn't based on power exchange, and you agreed to an engagement with the same understanding. So chances are, this might be somewhat of a confusing turn for him. 

You say that you want him to punish you for the things you do wrong. It is possible that you might be able to incorporate D/s into your relationship, but that punishment will not be a part of it if punishment is something that he can't be comfortable with.

To put it mildly, communication isn't my strong point, and phrasing things in a way that doesn't scare people off is a skill that I still have no grasp of.
But I do think that approaching him in a manner that doesn't judge his refusal to Dominate is a good step in order to avoid him judging your desire to submit.

My brain hasn't been functioning at peak performance this week, but I hope that you find something helpful here, and I wish you the very best of luck. And please do feel free to continue the discussion in the comments--I don't think that I have ever answered a question without leaving something out lol.

Monday, March 18, 2013

Oh to live in bed...

To live in bed...Sounds like a sexy sentiment doesn't it?
Nope. Not this time.

Due to the brilliance of universal timing, Alpha's end of smoking (and my drastic reduction) coincided exactly with the (early) onset of my period.

Is there ever a more inconvenient time to be the parent of children who are to young to run away?

I'm irritated with blogger because all the background pictures I drool over are to big to upload. And once I shrink them, they fit funny.

And I still can't find the "Best chocolate cake recipe in the world."
Unfortunately, Alpha had a point when he laughed at me and said "You think you can just Google it?" So far I have made it about 17 pages in, and they all look just about the same as the recipe I'm bored with.

Living in bed is sounding better and better. Which is why I'm not answering the question I have waiting instead of sitting here complaining--brain's malfunctioning something fierce.
I will get to it sometime soon. Promise.

Did I mention that I tried a new chocolate cake recipe, and it is definitely not the worlds best? In fact, I have no interest in ever making it again lol.
Trying new things is so overrated.

Saturday, March 16, 2013

Dirty Mind

I was recently introduced to the njoy...I must admit, I felt terribly misled for the first few minutes--I did not like it.
Not in the least little bit thank you very much. It hurt! No that he seems to mind--I keep telling him that I'm not a masochist...Doesn't seem to phase him much.
I got over it somewhere between that thought, and the mind blowing sex which occurred later.

I'm going somewhere with this, and it's quite far from any logical conclusions that might be drawn from my opening paragraph.

Every single time I see an njoy brand sugar packet, I giggle and think something juvenile and inappropriate.
Because I have a dirty mind (okay, some might say filthy, but there's no need to argue over semantics).

Oh yes--exploit me!

No good ever comes from letting a perfectly good dirty mind go unused!

Friday, March 15, 2013

More on Search Terms

I have a little collection of these saved up again, and since I seem to have an excessive amount of thoughts warring for release, I'm all out of clarity at the moment...So here are some of the more entertaining, (to me anyways) search terms so far this year:

"Bitch whine demanding girlfriend."
Really?? Of all the possibilities, that's what got him here? I'm hurt. And totally shocked.

"ttwd manual."
Lol. Well, that is certainly not here. But if anyone finds it, I wouldn't mind taking a peek at it--you know, just so that I can tell him he's doing it wrong.

"How to be a good submissive."
Sigh. I really want to gloat about this one...But sadly, those instructions are not on this blog.

"If he loves me, how can he call me his little whore in bed?"
Oh, well...You know...

"Nose full of cum."
I think that discussion started off as being about cum in eyes...Not something I would recommend either, btw. But I am somewhat curious as to what leads a person to Google such a thing...

"She thinks she is going to dominate me."
I'm guessing that didn't work out so well?

"Dominant master software."
Uh...What? Is Dominance some type of downloadable program or something?

"I want to be a whore not a wife."
Just this once, I'm at a complete loss for words... 

Thursday, March 14, 2013

lil and the horrible terrible no good rotten mood

Do you ever think about something you did or said, and wonder how the hell your owner puts up with you?
Oh...Just me? Okay.

Sometimes I look back, (thinking hours here, not long term reflection--no need to give myself panic attacks) and wonder how I could possibly be such a shit and have him continue to put up with me.
Of course, "Put up with" is a relative and individually interpreted term...

The washer had decided that not only would it not complete the spin cycle, it would protest rinsing. So I was storming running around, wringing out laundry and kicking the washer (like you would never kick a stubborn appliance. Pft).

I was really just in a foul mood with life. The kids were making me wonder why humans don't eat their young, my hormones were trying to kill anything within throwing range, I was altogether irritating irritable with existence, and the laundry was that final layer of icing on the cake.

So what did he do? After informing me that my attitude was nowhere near acceptable, he single-handedly wrestled my evil poor washer into the back of his truck, (my presence was token--if it falls on you, I might be able to help get it off) took it to a repair guy, and paid to learn that the repair price would be slightly less than the cost of a new machine.

Then he came home and took irritable me and my eatable children out for the evening.

As I was getting ready and waiting for him to get back, I had this terribly painful moment of remorse...
I mean, I think that I might kill me if I had to live with me. But not only doesn't he kill me, he's actually quite in love with me (I always said that love was a strange beast).

The thing is, I wish I could catch myself in the moment. That first moment when I start to sour, before there's even a need for remorse.
He usually steps on my attitude the instant it starts to stray, but she's a squirmy little bitch, and can be difficult to pin down.

He's picking up the new washer today.
I'm making cream of broccoli/bacon soup with Caesar salad and probably an apology desert--I'm thinking brownies or coconut cream pie...
It works out.

Tuesday, March 12, 2013

To Enjoy Service?

Sometimes I think that I was born with zero desire to serve.
While I do believe that submission and service are different creatures, I also believe that service is a part of submission.
A part of submission wherein I usually fall flat on my face. Failing the full crash, some scrapes and bruises seem to be an inevitable side-effect.

I don't enjoy it--the lazy in me comes out full force and tries to force me to say "Make your own coffee, and leave mine alone!"

Something interesting happened last night though...I was making Alpha tea, and suddenly, in that moment, I felt intensely happy and satisfied.
Just because I was making him tea.

Totally odd. What's next, a desire to drink tea instead of coffee?!

In all seriousness though, while it sounds like a very very very tiny event, it was kind of a big moment for me...

To truly get a sense of pleasure from nothing more than serving him in a non-sexual way--it's not something that has ever happened to me (hey, evolution can be a slow process people).

Monday, March 11, 2013

Leveling Out the Playing Field

I doubt this is going to reflect kindly on me, but it is going to be written proof of my brilliant logic in action!

Alpha has decided to quit smoking. It's a decision that I wholeheartedly support with no small amount of trepidation (anyone who used to smoke, or has lived with someone who is quitting knows that withdrawals do wicked things to one's head--and in the midst of it, one is more than willing to spread the unhappiness around to anyone who lives in proximity).

He looked at me and said seriously, "I'm going to quit, and you are going to cut way, wayyyyy back."
I thought that was very reasonable.
Of course, he immediately followed that statement with, "Then I'm going to make you quit too."

If we worked in a demerits system, my response would have gotten me so far in the hole, I would have likely never made it back up to zero.
It might have gone over better had I been joking...
"But, you pointed out to me a long time ago that not only do women live an average of six years longer than men, I'm six years younger than you. I have been trying to level out the playing field ever since."

I now understand the statement, "Deafening silence". I do believe that if a bird had pooped within a mile, I would have heard it.

He got that look, you know--the one that makes you glad that there are children bickering in the living room and you're not sitting in a deserted alley at midnight.
"You had better cut that shit out right now, or I'll make you create a folder so that you can read and retype that sad post you found a while back. Every. Single. Day. Until you get the point."

I'm pretty sure that I turned a whole different shade of white girl.
The computer is being gluey, so I can't find and link to the post he was talking about, but I think that it was one of the saddest things I have ever read, and it made me cry. Written by a Dominant, it was a farewell to his slave who died of cancer. Thinking about it still makes me tear up.

I nearly burst into tears right then and there.

I have been trying to even out the playing field for a very long time. And love can be a race to the finish--no one wants to be the one living without that which they lived for.
But it's not supposed to be about that ultimate destination, so much as the journey itself.

By its very nature, love makes us strong, weak, selfish, selfless, brilliant, and incredibly stupid.
Love teaches us to take a leap, and to fear in ways that we never previously thought possible.
Love is extreme ecstasy, and the ultimate pain. All wrapped up in one disastrously beautiful package.
Love is scary because all life inevitably culminates in a journey that must be taken alone.

And apparently, those who love us in return do not appreciate any attempts to level the playing field in their favor. Who knew?

Saturday, March 9, 2013

A Question of the Dreaded Gag Reflex

This one gets a whole post of its own because if anyone has any brilliant ideas, I want them lol.

"You said (waaaay back in your blog) that you used to love giving b.j.'s but after you had kids, your gag reflex kicked in and it was harder for you. How did you get over that gag reflex and get back to loving it? I have a sensitive gag reflex and a really strong sense of smell - gets me in trouble often....

Okay, so technically, I haven't gotten over the gag reflex--I just discovered that I actually really like being choked with cock...

For me, there are two times when the gag reflex kicks in--when he's trying to rearrange my tonsils, and when he cums.

In case one...I find that if I focus on the mental aspects, and breath slowly, (when I can) it's easier to keep the gag reflex to a minimum. Though there does seem to be some attraction for him in making me choke and gag...

When he cums...For me, it's a consistency and taste issue. Mostly consistency. So I developed this odd little habit that has no basis in any proven theory, except that it (for some reason) works pretty well for the most part.
I focus my eyes on something specific--like a freckle on his thigh.
Yea, I'm serious. I know it sounds silly, but if I keep my eyes focused on that little freckle, or a particular shadow if it's dark, I can at least avoid the gag reflex until he's done.

I'm not really sure how I went from loving sucking cock, to hating it, and back to loving it.
I think that now I'm more comfortable with the submissive and control aspects of it, which makes it hot for me--he's taking what he wants regardless of my body's rebellion.
I still haven't gotten back to the point of swallowing which I find completely mystifying, because there was a time when it didn't bother me in the least...

Friday, March 8, 2013

Time Flies...

Three years ago today, I asked for permission to start this blog. Not being big on patience, I of course, created it within 24 hours of his granting permission.
Originally, it existed because I have shoddy communication skills. Now? I feel like it is a a great way to interact with others like myself, occasionally communicate things to Alpha that I just can't seem to say, and a method of introspection that often helps me to find clarity, (not to mention that it can be a great place to vent). If it happens to help others along the way, all the better.
I guess I'm also a bit addicted. There are worse vices right?

There are some blogs that have been around for a truly impressive amount of time. In the grand scheme of things, three years isn't that long, but I think that perhaps blog years are kind of like dog years. Only perhaps, one year of life counts as ten blog years?
I have seen many blogs come and go in the short period of time that I have been in Blogland. I think that sometimes we get bored, other times we outgrow it and no longer need or desire what it gives us. For whatever reason, not many blogs seem have a long lasting lifespan.

Perhaps this day deserves a brilliant post...But that's not to be lol.

Blogging...It's an interesting experience.

The title of this blog used to, (quite accurately) be called, "Diaries of a reluctant submissive."
As time went by, I discovered that I wasn't as reluctant as I maybe felt that I should be, so I changed the title and url.

At first, I wrote whatever I wanted because no one read it. Then people started showing up, and I didn't let it change what I had to say. Then one day I thought maybe I shouldn't say whatever popped into my head because well, apparently people were reading.
Then I thought about it...Blogging can be about and for other people, but ultimately it's all about self expression--there's not much point in it for me if I censor myself every step of the way. That would just be lying to myself.
And I got over it.

Depending on the topic, I do occasionally feel a sense of responsibility towards my readers--especially people just starting their journey into D/s. I remember that overwhelming search for information and the desire to read the perspectives of others who had experienced the same things. It really is a lovely feeling when something you say helps the light click on for someone else.
However, I also feel that people need to be responsible for themselves and take what they read, (wherever they may read it) with a grain of salt.
If someone can't interpret my dry and twisted sense of humor, deal with my occasional venting, or tolerate my obvious imperfections, that's okay--they can just move along.

Ultimately, we present whatever face we want--the world sees what they are given, and we offer what we choose to allow people to know.
I occasionally come across blogs that are all sunshine and roses--I move right along. Call me cynical if you want, (Alpha does) but life isn't all rainbows and roses.
It, quite literally, takes plenty of shit to grow flowers.

When I see my blog described elsewhere, it is most often with some variation of "lil's struggles speak to me." Not an award winner for perfection perhaps, but I think we all struggle sometimes, and pretending that we don't doesn't help us grow.

Other people will offer their opinions, because that's what people do. When we broadcast our inner thoughts in a public forum, opinions and criticism are to be expected.
Much like the rest of life, there will be people we like, and who's opinions we respect. And there will be many we don't.

There are some really lovely people out here, and overall, I have been quite blessed by the good character of those who choose to frequent my crazy little corner on a regular basis.

Thursday, March 7, 2013

D/s and Dirty Socks

 In the beginning D/s is a fantasy. And oh what a fantasy! It's all whips and chains, and our mental images of perfection--how he should Dominate, how we will submit, and how it will all come so easy and fall into place.

Then some of us start to integrate it into our daily lives.
And it's not all whips and chains. He screws up, we screw up, kids throw up--life happens.

We bring D/s out of the bedroom, adopt power exchange as a way of life, and suddenly it's not all whips and chains anymore--it's displaying a certain level of graciousness while picking up the dirty socks that he will always leave on the living room floor, it's making cookies at night when all you want to do is sleep, it's accepting decisions you disagree with, etc.
It is accepting that his word is the final one.

In short, it's the end of that glorious honeymoon phase.
No longer can we focus on how he should be doing things. Now it's about self improvement, and how he thinks we should be doing things.

While fantasy and reality can intertwine nicely, sharing space with someone every day of your life within terms dictated by them is not something that we can fit into a fantasy mold.

In my opinion, if a submissive is going to live D/s, she can't pick and choose. There is no, "I'll do whatever you want in these exact circumstances, but you had damn-well better start picking up those socks!"
You do it despite the circumstances. And then you pick up the dirty socks.
When you live it, those socks aren't an optional experience, sex isn't an optional experience, cookies at midnight isn't an optional activity, and "I'll do it when and if I feel like it" sure doesn't fly.

Dominant and submissive is who we are, but it is not all that we are. Sometimes each part of the whole plays nicely, and sometimes it doesn't.

It is in acknowledging the struggles that come with reality, that we find the sometimes elusive balance between fantasy and reality.

Because living D/s comes with its share of dirty socks.

Monday, March 4, 2013

lil and the comfort zone crash

My clothing comfort level revolves nicely around jeans and tank-tops. Preferably in black or shades of green.
In an effort to avoid the stress that comes with shopping on my own and having him reject my choices after purchasing them, I got him to go shopping with me.

One of his choices was a v-neck long velvet dress.

Yesterday we went out dancing, and he decided I would wear the dress.

I can't remember the last time I wore a dress. And v-neck items aren't really featured in my closet (I lack the cleavage to really make them awesome).

So I dug in my heels. And I moaned and complained excessively a bit.
And I felt like a half-naked dork that stood out like a sore thumb.
There might have been a narrow escape involving having to add a butt plug to the ensemble...

Over the course of the night, some woman in the bathroom stopped just short of trying to remove the dress because she wanted it...I am happy to say that I escaped fully clothed. Probably because she had correctly assessed that it was not her size...

Then I danced for a while...And I discovered that I really like dancing in skirts it wasn't so bad.
Alpha decided that pants do have more groping perks than dresses.
I decided that I'm not wearing pants out dancing anymore because it's more fun dancing in skirts.

Odd things happen when one is shoved rudely outside of their comfort zone...

Sunday, March 3, 2013

Questions and (maybe) Answers

The thing I like about March, (besides that it signals an imminent end to the bitter cold misery of winter) is that it's question and answer month here in Blogland.
I have no idea who came up with the concept, but I like it. Especially since I have been running low on inspiration lately.

So, if anyone has any questions, (or answers) now is as good a time as any!

If you are bringing answers, here are a few things I would like to know:

Why are my children so interested in doing the opposite of what they are told?
Why am I so temperature intolerant that both winter and mid-summer kick my ass?
Why are chickens more scary than bears?
Why do I always feel the need to ask why?

Saturday, March 2, 2013

Coconut Cake Galore

Okay, so I received three links to coconut cake recipes, which left me with the dilemma of which one to use. I am somewhat ashamed to admit the selection criteria I settled on: Whichever one used forms of measurement that I was familiar with and didn't have to convert.
Lazy, I know.

Here's the one I ended up making:
I think that I had some altitude issues with it, because it came out pretty dense, and a little less coconuty than I had thought. But it was really good, and it went well with the icing for German chocolate cake, (I could just eat that stuff by the spoonful) and the lime curd (though the curd was eye-rollingly tart).

I made coconut ice cream too , and it was like...Almost more coconut than a coconut lol. All together it was pretty damn good!

For anyone who is interested in experimenting, here are the other two recipes I was sent:
I haven't tried either of these yet, but I do have some leftover coconut... 

Thank you to the lovely ladies who sent me the recipes!

Friday, March 1, 2013


I married the coolest man ever. Oh, you want proof, (you don't? Too bad) well...Besides all those things you can't see like the way he looks at me, the way he touches my hair, the tone in his voice when he says he loves me, how he is the only person who I know will be there for me no matter what through anything...

I think it takes utter awesomness, (don't care if it's not a word) to get your wife one of these for her birthday:

Seriously, I have been asking for one of these since I was five!!!
And a pair of these:

My dream shoes...Because some of us have poor balance
And of course, every deviant woman with a sword needs to be kept in line...

How delicious is that...
 I'm feeling more inspired already...

I did make one of the coconut cake recipes I was sent--with a lime curd filling and German chocolate cake icing. In all it has five stick of butter...But we won't tell grandma lest she have a heart attack as soon as she sets eyes on it.
I'll be sure to share how it turns out and post the link like I promised--haven't tried it yet, but anything with that much butter and coconut has to be good right?