Pain and Suffering

"I am going to beat you until you cry."

Eek.

"Really? You don't have to! Why??"

He shot me his most stern and unapologetic smile, "Yes, I do. Because you need it."

I used to think that I was a masochist. I'm not.
I hate pain, and for all intents and purposes, I am a terrible wuss when it comes to physical suffering.
I don't crave spanking, and all I have to read is, "He gave me 25 delicious strokes of the cane" and you've lost me. Seriously. Ten and I hate him and want to break the damn cane into a million pieces.

That said, there is something magical about pain.
Some people will tell you that the magic is all about those sneaky little endorphins. Others will say that pain brings transcendence of even such basic functioning. I say, why can't it be both?

The Emotional Masochist

By this point, we have clearly established that I'm not much of a masochist. The phrase "Worlds wussiest masochist" comes to mind...

However, I can wear the title of emotional masochist rather well.

Now, "Emotional masochist" is one of those terms that you probably don't want to Google. Kind of like "Headache and fever" because by the end of page one, you will go from mild pain, to meningitis patient on her deathbed. Or in this case, from mostly stable, to incredibly self destructive and emotionally damaged.

So, I'm not debating definitions here, I am making my own. And no, I haven't quite decided what mine is in word form yet, but I have a whole post for you to figure it out right?

I realize that this is going to be a highly interpretable sentence, and that most interpretations will be terrible, but there might be a few of you who "get" it:
The emotional masochist is the person who shines and gets shit done when a loved one dies--because they can ride the high of being in emotional agony. And they are the one's who crash hardest when that high fades.

I do occasionally crave pain, because it gets me out of my head. There is a certain release in pain or in the pain/pleasure combination, that isn't really achieved with other physical sensations.

But what I really crave, what really turns me on and makes me melt, are the things I don't want. The things that make me cringe and blush, the things that make me want to run away and hide, the things that make me squirm and want to crawl away--the things that I find humiliating.

To me, that is emotional masochism.

Humiliation is about control--someone having enough control over you that you are willing to fall into any depths because they so desire it. It's about being stripped bare in ways far beyond the physical experiences we use to define ourselves. It's about going so far down that you can't see the top, and he is the only reality that truly exists.

Emotional masochism is surrender. Surrender to all that we try to keep hidden and find difficult to accept about ourselves.
The emotional masochist is the voice that whispers "Tie me to a chair and make me watch you fuck someone else, push me over the edge and watch me fall, grab me back up just before I crash and break into a million tiny pieces. Inspect me from head to toe, and push me just far enough beyond my limits that I crack. Then pick me up and put me back together in whatever new form pleases you."

Emotional masochism is wanting someone to crawl so deep into your mind that you are willing to bypass all of your own desires in order to achieve theirs. It is the sensation of fulfilling one's purpose simply by experiencing things that one explicitly does not want.

At this point, I think it is worth mentioning that one doesn't want to become a Google statistic. I do believe that emotional masochism can be a terribly unhealthy thing if it is not managed correctly.
In a way, it is also much easier to damage the emotionally masochistic than it is to take physical masochism too far--because the marks are not clearly visible to the naked eye.

The emotional masochist is willing to surrender to anything.
Owning an emotional masochist requires knowing when to stop, and how to put them back together. It is paying attention to the cracks and caring enough to avoid the things that will cause real, lasting, and irreparable harm.
Just because someone is willing to travel to the depths of hell, doesn't mean that you should actually take them there.

Where is the Line?

I was recently inspired to dive into a thought process around healthy limit pushing and crossing the line into actual damage.

It really is the proverbial line in the sand--you draw it, stand there with your nice little stick pointing firmly at it... and a big wave comes along. Bye bye line in the sand. Sometimes it's a good thing. Other times, not so much.

So we try to walk on this finite line and travel in a direction that's healthy. Hopefully without falling off one side or another. But falling along the way is inevitable. Kind of like learning to walk or swim--at some point you are going to eat dirt or breath water.

There's a line between growth and damage. Sometimes it's difficult to see through the waves, but it's there. And I was recently asked where exactly "there" is.

The truth is, I don't know. Pause for shocked silence (yes, please do smirk here).

Your line might be over there, someone else line might be over here and off to the side.

For me, the line falls somewhere between that place where I just know I can't go any further even though I can (in that "I can't think or speak because my brains are goo and may never function again" kind of way), and feeling icky the next day or when the experience is duplicated. But it has so far been nearly impossible for me to catch on my own. I need His help.

It takes a while to figure out where your line is. And even then the damn thing has a tendency to move. And it takes time for someone else to pin down your moving line. So it's easy to cross when you are trying to push the limits. And damn do I like having my limits pushed. In a love/hate kind of way.

It is possible to experience ttwd and come out cleaner, heal old wounds, expand your mind and the way you see existence, to create a relationship that is, to plagiarize myself (can you do that?), closer than skin will allow.

And it is also quite possible to come out wounded and damaged, with new scars and a relationship lacking mental intimacy.

I believe that overall, we come closest to shark infested waters when we deal with pain or humiliation.
Pain factors into Alpha and I's relationship, but it's not something He generally pushes further than I think I can go. Pain, while extremely physical, is also a very mental experience--how it is given, how it is taken, the individual processes along the way.

I think humiliation (referencing myself again of course), is a bit different. It can be kind of like swimming with dolphins in shark infested waters--dangerous but oh so incredible. And it's not so much about the event itself as what happens afterwards. So maybe the line between growth and damage isn't so much about what happens when we play on the edge, but the things that happen when we hang off of it.

I'm gonna get sidetracked with humiliation for a minute here...I used to think it was squarely on the wrong side of my little line in the sand. And then I learned that there is nothing quite like it. Having someone piss all over you and treat you like a dirty whore one minute, then turn around and tell you that they love and respect you the more for it and you can try to take over the world again tomorrow? It's one hell of an experience. Yes, I know run-on sentences are one of my major grammatical errors. I can't help it if that's how I think lol.

And it's tricky, because that worthless feeling can be a sneaky little bitch who wants to sit next to you and be a close companion. Sometimes she wants to hang around and mess with your head. That's why what happens afterwards is so important--It can crush her or bring her in for coffee.

Alpha likes to say that He will hurt but never harm me. And I think that is an important distinction. Hurt is a temporary experience that offer opportunities for growth. Harm occurs when there are adverse impacts with lasting effects.

How do we avoid crossing that sometimes finite line between to much and not enough, between hurt and harm--how do we walk on the perfect road? Never gonna happen 100% of the time. Huff at me all you want lol. It will still remain true.

But I do believe it is possible to maintain an overall healthy balance.
There's no substitution for knowing someone well. Alpha knows me well, and is quite acquainted with my migrating line in the sand--He has moved it upon occasion. The better a Dom knows their sub, the easier it is to avoid damage.
At the risk of sounding hypocritical, I think that safe words (and actually using them), can really prevent a lot of harm and diffuse situations before they reach the point of causing damage. They give submissives the tools to help prevent harm. If you have one? Use it when you need it. Not after. And the better you know yourself, the more effective and useful it will be.

Is there one single point where everyone's line intersects, a common point between pushing the limits and incurring damage? If so, I think that it is an emotional intersection. Perhaps a feeling in common...But whatever path gets us there will be unique to each.

Pain

I was musing to myself about pain last night. Specifically the different kinds and their effects.

Pain and the way we process it is an individual experience.

I once read something that said the difference between a pain slut and a masochist is that the pain slut wants pain because she gets off on it. The masochist needs pain but doesn't  want it as much. (I'm paraphrasing here. I would link to it if I could remember where the hell I read it. It was much more eloquently put and made a lot more sense).

Maybe I am a masochist after all...

Anyways, pain takes multiple forms and since it is such an individual experience, I believe those forms vary for everyone. And my love of categorization naturally led me to create the following list lol.

Growing pains--When events happen in life that make you feel emotional pain to your core but also present an opportunity for personal growth.

Bad pain--like burning yourself on the oven or smacking the side of your head on a sharp corner (was a great way to wake up this morning. They all seem to think I'm mean now).

Pleasurable pain--the kind that hurts but it's oh so fucking good because it makes you fly.

Cleansing pain--It's the kind I love to hate and it's also the pain I crave most. Ironic since I will go to great lengths to avoid it because this kind of pain isn't really enjoyable.
It's almost bad pain because it comes without pleasure. But the feeling afterwards is incredible.
Like a form of redemption, this is the pain that strips away all sins, crimes committed by and to oneself, and takes you to that place where everything external no longer matters.