Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Is it Bedtime Yet?

No, not the romping kind of bedtime.
The kind of bedtime where your head hits the pillow at 8:00, you sleep for ten hours, and wake up to the smell of pastries and coffee.
In other words, a real fantasy bedtime.

Today was just one of those days. Well, technically, I think it started yesterday when Alpha dislocated his shoulder. Again.

This morning I loaded up the kids...

Went to the post office.
Now, I hate checking the mail. There's this lovely lady behind the counter, and she's all sweet and smiles, but I still hate it.
Seriously though, the mail is never good news, and half the time the news you need isn't there. Like the medicaid renewal forms I desperately need. That's a problem because my body is giving me problems and I have been informed that it's time to get them checked out.

Then the MVD.
Terrible place that.

Then I took them to town for shoes.
An hour in the shoe store trying on every pair of mens 7.5 until finding a pair that worked. He's only 10. It's unnatural.

Then to the feed store because the wicked chickens must eat.
Some days I wonder if we have this whole raising poultry thing backwards...

The horror ended after an hour in wal mart. Evil evil place.
I may have told my youngest that I might eat him if he kept his shit up in the store.

Did I mention that I forgot to eat before before leaving the house this morning?
Luckily, both of the children survived.

The garden needs water...And for some reason, the inhabitants of my house expect dinner. They ate an hour ago for goodness sake!

Saturday, May 25, 2013

A Question of Separating D/s From the Rest?

"How do you separate marriage/family life from the D/s life?
My husband is concerned about this, his biggest concern being, he doesn't want our daughter (5) to grow up and marry a controlling/borderline abusive man. I tried to explain to him that their is a huge difference between abusive and D/s. Obviously nothing intense would go on in front of her, and there can be a place where he can correct me if need be, and it wouldn't be in front of the kids, not even intense stuff. He comes from an abusive background (his father was terrible) and I the opposite (sort of). He can't understand the need/want for this. I think thats the hardest thing to explain...LOL. He said he would never slap me across the face, but honestly, the thought lights up my eyes like a kid in a candy store." 

Honestly, I have no clue how one would go about separating D/s from marriage/family life because it is something that has become so entwined in mine.
The best idea I have there is to keep it in the bedroom, and even at that, it is still part of your marriage.

I think that at first, D/s is often something we do. The lines are nice and clear--I will do this, I won't do that, it stays in the bedroom, etc.
Then over time those nice sharp lines in the sand get eroded and begin to move. When that happens, it is no longer easy to compartmentalize things into categories like D/s, marriage, family. Because power exchange lies somewhere underneath and inside of all those things.

The simplest solution I can offer really is to just keep it in the bedroom, but observation and past experience have led me to believe that it can be rather difficult to keep D/s confined to one room of your life.

I am going to go with my own interpretation, and approach this question from a slightly different angle. If I get it all wrong, I can always do another post right?

I see your question as being about how you can be in a power exchange relationship without adversely impacting your daughter, and how to convince your husband that being your Dominant does not make him abusive. I think these two questions actually tie into each other in a way.
As I said before, if I'm coming at this all wrong, I'll do it again, K?

I think that D/s and children can be a very touchy subject, and answers may vary widely depending on who you ask.

We have 2 boys. Now, one of our responsibilities as parents, is to make sure that they grow into good men. And  they learned at a very early age that it is not acceptable to hit women (yes, not even that wicked little girl throwing rocks at you and chasing you with a stick), mom is in no way inferior to dad, everyone says please and thank you, and that relationships are based on mutual respect and caring.

Really, I think that D/s around kids is quite comparable to sexual behavior--yes you have sex, and it's always there as a part of your relationship, but your kids don't see it. They know you flirt, but they don't know the next step. If I'm making any sense...

If you present your daughter with a view of your relationship as being one where you respect each other, mom is happy to respond to dad's polite requests, and your household is harmonious, that is the relationship model she will be familiar with.
There is nothing wrong with a Dominant that says please and thank you, and his respect for you as an individual does not disappear or take a back burner because he is in control.
His respect for your thoughts and opinions shows your daughter that hers should matter too when she has relationships of her own. Just because he can choose to go with your opinion or against it does not negate the fact that he took it into account to begin with.
As a couple, you come to mutual agreement about issues of family. My boys know that sometimes mom makes the decision, sometimes she says it's up to dad--either way, Alpha is not going to overrule me in front of them.
We have a rule in our house, that one "no" outweighs either parent's "yes". If it's a big issue, we discuss it until we reach an agreement.

The subject of reconciling one's morals with being Dominant and (possibly) hitting your wife, is something that Alpha and I have spent a fair amount of time discussing.

The fact that it is wrong to hit women and they must be treated as equals is a concept that is often beaten (sometimes literally) into boys at an early age.
Conversely, in cases like your husband's, some men learn what they do not want to become because they grow up with a model that they know is wrong and don't want to emulate.

I get slapped around. Quite a bit.
Never, in our nearly 15 years together, have I been struck in anger.
Punishment is no longer a part of our dynamic. When it was, if he was mad at me, he would wait until he wasn't mad anymore before doling out my punishment.

I think that abuse is often about displacing responsibility, anger, and a severe lack of self control.
Dominance doesn't have any of those markings.
Dominance is about taking responsibility for one's actions and the repercussions of those choices, it's about not acting in anger, and it's about having enough self control to be able to exert control over another human being.
This is a rather extreme simplification, but for the purpose of comparison, I believe it is pretty accurate.

I hope that I have adequately answered your question.

Friday, May 24, 2013

To Be Mindful

Mindfulness is a concept that I have been pondering lately.

To be mindful...It's important right?

Submission is very much about being mindful of one's Dominant, and no small part of that is being mindful of oneself, one's actions and reactions, of the way that we think and behave.
It is about seeing ourselves and our behavior as a reflection on him and who he is.

I think that when we are mindful, that is when we are able to bring grace to who we are and what we do.

Mindfulness is about avoiding those knee-jerk reactions that so often get us in trouble, it's about thinking before we speak, taking care that our actions have meaning.
It is about using coherent thought to guide our behavior in a way that pleases.
It is about living the meaning of what it is to be owned.

To be mindful is to be pleasing
to be the best of what they see in us
it is an awareness of ourselves and our interactions with others
it is about relinquishing control while retaining a sense of personal responsibility.

Often, submission is a repeating series of conscious choices, choices that invariably lead to the conclusion that the choices we are to make are the ones that our Dominants desire to be made.
After a certain point, many of those choices become so automatic, that we no longer realize there is any choice at all. Because while we are multifaceted, what we really are, is his. And all our choices become ultimately rooted in that fact.
Yet, we cannot get to that place without a certain degree of mindfulness.

So how we attain this thing called mindfulness?
I think that we practice it until we become...Mindful.

And yes, I am still stuck in the attempting to practice phase.

Thursday, May 23, 2013

Human Race

somewhere along the way
we fell through a hole
in the heart of our race
we forgot that we were born okay
we forgot that we belong to the earth
and that she does not belong to us
from her we are born, and to her we all shall return 

somewhere along the way
greed planted a seed
and the human race
in an attempt to save face
decided to descend from grace
we became a culture of greed
based around what we see as our never-ending need

somewhere along the way
 we forgot that we were made of stars
that we are infinite possibility
only caged by our own beliefs

And so we go on
fighting our holy wars
in the name of Gods 
who's meanings we have long since forgotten

Religions come and go
Gods live and die
yet we continue
to perpetuate the lie
that we are different,
you and I

And so we have become
a culture of genocide
as our governments lie and devide
in the name of a country's pride

Creating a race
who is forgetting the meaning of human being
in its race against being human
where we don't want our governments
to tell us who to love
and how to live
we accept that they tell us who to hate
they tell us who to kill
 in a race to the bottom wherein we believe
that war is the cost of peace
and rights must be sacrificed in the name of security

We raise our children on war games
and we lie to them
when we tell them
that they are not one and the same
that their pain
is more than that of the person next door
and so we fight
in the name of Gods that will one day lie forgotten
and so we have become
a world misbegotten
 because we no longer remember
that I am who I am
and you are who you are
and inside
we are all the same.

We are the human race
so caught up in believing
that we have forgotten the power of thinking
we have forgotten
that there is nothing more dangerous
 and nothing more beautiful
than an intelligent and articulate mind
so we land where they tell us to take our stand
we forget that we belong to the land
we eat what they feed us
and so we believe what they see in us.

Tuesday, May 21, 2013

Coffee Trauma

It's no secret that I love coffee. Seriously, if the world as we know it ended tomorrow, I would be fine. Except...Lack of coffee would be a major issue.

I'm not a fan of pink, but if my kids couldn't read, I would so own this cup.
But I digress...

I can make a cup of coffee last for a while, so I was sipping away innocently over the course of the afternoon.
In the
What should I spit out?
A spider.
I'm pretty sure it only had three legs too. Which means...Ew!

The next day I only had one cup of coffee.
It was like some terrible and traumatic, (yet effective) form of aversion therapy.
In fact, at this very moment, I am drinking tea.

Monday, May 20, 2013

To Share One's Truth

I occasionally get emails from new subs asking for advice. The one thread that all my responses seem to have in common, is the assertion that they need to talk to their Dominant.
Given my tendency to be communication challenged, I am sure that Alpha finds great irony in that statement.

For me, one of the most freeing and wondrous things about ttwd, was the discovery that there was a space between us wherein I could tell him anything.

If you want to explore someone's mind, be closer to them than their skin, and be the person who defines their limits, you have to help that person develop the ability to spill their heart and soul to you.
A big part of that is realizing one cannot expect to be freely told someone's deepest darkest thoughts, if they are waiting to criticize what they hear.
You cannot expect her to bare her heart and soul if she believes that you are going to rip them out when she does.

Much as submission becomes easier when there is Domination for one to submit to, being completely open is quite a bit more appealing when you know that the response, while perhaps not necessarily what you want to hear, is not going to culminate in an argument--because he will accept you regardless of what you tell him, and you will accept his thoughts and decisions about whatever you have said.

Of course, there is also the little issue that if you use that space and acceptance as an excuse to be a disobedient and raging brat, you are going to lose it immediately.
A fact that I was clearly informed of and confronted with in the not so distant past.

But when we can achieve and maintain the ability to create that place in our relationships...

In that space, there is no shadow of yesterday, no suffering for tomorrow, just two people sharing a moment of pure and unadulterated truth.
When we empty our hearts and minds of the words and thoughts to which we hold on so tightly, that is the moment we gain the ability to share a meaningful silence that outweighs the power of words.

I think that sometimes, if we want to be really close, we have to empty out the space between us.
We do so by laying everything out on the table, and sifting through the piles until we can set them aside or throw them out.
Until all that is left is our shared silence.
The silence of acceptance, of redemption, of surrender, of knowing.
The silence of two people with nothing left to hide.
Simply being.

Sunday, May 19, 2013

How Silly Is It?

I have this not so little issue...
I can't enjoy sex if I can't go into sub-space. Yes, there are plenty of times that I can get off on the fact that he is taking what he wants whether I want it or not. But it is not a given.

That space? Sometimes that space comes easy.
Sometimes I just can't go down to save my life. And I always need help to get there. No matter how badly I want it.

I was having a terrible time of it the other night, I just couldn't let go enough to really go under.
We were lying together afterwards when, in a surprisingly gentle manner, he said, "How silly is it to want to be made to do what you want to do?"

Well, if you want to put it like that...It does seem pretty damn silly.

Since when do logic and I play nicely though?

It did get me to thinking about that high maintenance need I have to be hunted, conquered, forced to do that which I do not want to do, and made to do what I wanted to do in the first place.

I realize that, for me at least, it is much easier to reconcile certain things in my mind if I can tell myself that he made me do them. Therefore absolving myself of some responsibility for events.
Not saying that is the best approach or anything, but it is a truth that I have observed myself replay time and time again.

I believe that submission must come from an inner desire that leads to a conscious choice, made of one's own free will. That choice giving one the ability to go to a place of unconscious surrender where there is no longer thought, choice, or a will of one's own--just being.

Somehow though, that belief does not cure me of the desire to be forced into what I want...

Saturday, May 18, 2013

Falling off the High Road

I try to play nice, I really do. Unfortunately, I am not always successful. What can I say, I'm a work in progress.

The ideal approach
It doesn't always come out like that though....Sometimes I fail at the niceties, and things look more like this

To put it bluntly...
What can I say, I try to be a nice person, but I had a really crappy day, and everyone falls off the high road sometimes right?

Friday, May 17, 2013


Something happened to me that has never happened before. Quite honestly, I am less than thrilled about it.

I started pulling out my summer clothes and made a terrible discovery...

A bunch of
no good
very bad
little gremlins
sneaked into my closet and shrank my clothing.

My husband seems to find it reasonable that 13 year old shorts no longer fit me. I do not. I mean, after all, they fit just fine last year!

 See where regular exercise has gotten me? Pfft.

And that is all I have to say about that. For now. Though I'm sure this will present plenty of opportunities for future complaining.

And now I shall proceed to answering comments on my last post. If by chance I don't get to them all today, I did not forget you! I simply succumbed to laziness. Or the need to make dinner.

Tuesday, May 14, 2013

Controversial Concepts

I am offered a lot of opinions on this blog. If I didn't want any interaction, I wouldn't allow comments, and I certainly wouldn't respond to them all; however, I have noticed a slight tendency to censor my own opinions in deference to others lately.
I'm less than pleased to see the people pleaser part of myself emerge here--there's a difference between being respectful of others, and caring what they think to the point of not saying what I really believe.


This one has been simmering on the back burner of my mind for some time.
Before I get going, I would like to say that mid post, I realized there are a couple of ladies out there who I genuinely like that may take exception to this post. I sincerely hope such is not the case--my purpose is not to be offensive or attempt to minimize anyone else's relationship.

I have often seen the statement, "Online Master/slave relationships are just the same as live in Master/slave relationships." This is often followed by a proposal along the lines of online M/s creating a deeper mental connection than real life, because that is what they focus on the most.

My personal opinion? They most certainly are not the same, and while I will freely admit to the possibilities of deep online connections, you are not going to dive further down the mental rabbit hole online than you can in real life.

I realize that many online couples feel strongly about their relationships, and a number of those relationships evolve into happy and healthy marriages. I'm not knocking that. I think those relationships take a lot of work, and the people who successfully turn them into 24/7 relationships deserve everything they have worked for.
The one's who never turn into daily life relationships, well those are relationships too. They involve feelings and real people. There's nothing wrong with those relationships either--they are what they are. And that's okay.

But to claim that there will be no issues when one has to pick up his dirty socks every day, that there is no difference between turning off the camera and going to work in the morning, that online and real life M/s is the same, and the online perfection will continue when daily physical proximity loses it's shine?
That is a concept which I personally find rather ludicrous.

No matter how well we know someone online, we are still allowed to live with the image we create in our minds. The image of them, of ourselves, of how the relationship will be when and if it goes to the next step.

She is the perfect slave because you haven't really had her at her worst.

He is the perfect Master because daily life hasn't provided an opportunity for him to be otherwise.

The perfection you perceive is a myth made easier to perpetrate by a lack of proximity, and the closest any of us will ever get to that perfection is being perfect for each other.

Being under someone's control in a non-physical world will never be the same as living it 24/7.
When you live life as a team that is arranged around power exchange, there will be challenges and possibilities that you have never even conceived of, there will be differences and disputes that you previously would have never believed possible.
Of course, there can also be amazing moments and connections beyond your wildest dreams. But they don't always come easy.

I resent the occasional assertion by an online slave that my struggles somehow make me lesser because ttwd comes easily to her.
For those who are able to completely avoid the struggles like mine? I admire your belief in yourselves, or whatever it is within you which makes that possible. I really do. Struggles do not a submissive or a slave make.

But for those of you who have not entered the kind of reality I know, and find my struggles unreasonable because you are always such a good girl, because he is an amazing Dominant, because you live your own kind of reality, because you never struggle with doing as you are told...

How easy will it be if he is badly inured?
How easy will it be when you completely disagree about something really important?
How easy will it be if your Dominant accidentally drives over the family dog?
How easy will it be when you just want to sleep and he wants something else?
How easy will it be if he wants to fuck someone else?
How easy will it be when the mortgage comes due and the bank account is empty?
How easy will it be when everything you believe is turned upside down and inside out?
How easy will it be when you truly realize that you gave up your freedom in search of something great, and that the challenges along the way might exceed the apparent limits of possibility?
How easy will it be when you actually enter reality?

Monday, May 13, 2013

Things Change...

We were curled up in bed last night, and Alpha called me a slut. My response was probably too honest for my own good:
"I'm absolutely terrible at it though."
" have been for the past few moths, but in the grand scheme of things..."

I have been off kilter something terrible lately.

We are at a point in our lives where change is necessary. Alpha worked very hard to build a good career and be the best at what he does in our area. But people don't always want the best, they don't always want someone who refuses to do things any other way besides the "right way", they often want to import people who will do it half as good for half the price.
He's not in demand much anymore, and truth be told, it's the kind of work that takes a terrible physical tole, and it's not as easy or enjoyable as it used to be.

Looking to change careers after 20 years isn't easy.

And me? My paying qualifications are just no longer a feasible way for me to make an income. My not making money was never really an issue before.
Now? Things change.

I know that it probably sounds like I am complaining, but really, as usual, I am just thinking out loud.
I do feel like we are standing on the edge of something wonderful, some much needed change, a new approach with new outcomes...I'm just not sure which direction takes us there.
And for once, neither is he.

For someone with such an ingrained fear of stagnation, I sure don't adapt well to looming change...

  Know what I miss? I miss being able to go here:

“When she's abandoned her moral center and teachings...when she's cast aside her facade of propriety and lady-like demeanor...when I have so corrupted this fragile thing and brought out a writhing, mewling, bucking, wanton whore for my enjoyment and pleasure.....enticing from within this feral lioness...growling and scratching and biting...taking everything I dish out to that moment she is never more beautiful to me. ”
― Marquis de Sade

 Where the whole entire world melts away, where there is no right or wrong, where yesterday is meaningless and tomorrow doesn't matter...

It's a beautiful thing. And I have been so stuck in my own head, that I haven't had the slightest interest in even attempting to go there.
Yep, I'm on track for a new award--worst whore of the year! Lol.
Does that come in silver I wonder?

Thursday, May 9, 2013

The Shallows

I'm going to have to cultivate my sense of humor a bit before getting to the comments on my last post.

Okay, I'll admit that my previous post was filler.
It's a rare thing for me to go a week without writing here, and I just couldn't leave it looking all lonely and unattended. I'm a dork--I miss my blog.

Sometimes though, what is one really to say?

That I feel as if I am standing at the edge of something great--a new way of looking at myself, at life, a new way of being, a belief system in which everything has meaning, a deeper approach to submission, the sense that I am who I was meant to be and am doing what I am meant to do...


I'm stuck.
Thoroughly and completely

In the shallow end of possibility, caught up in fighting probability, too worried about what might be and what is not...I'm stuck in the mud of the shallows, and I can't say that I am in the least little bit fond of it.

Tuesday, May 7, 2013

Search Terms of 2013

Oddly enough, I have found myself without much of anything to say lately. So today I decided to go with some things that other people are saying.

"Sex calls me dirty little whore."
 Huh...I have been called a dirty little whore during sex, but I have never heard sex itself call me anything...

"i want my wife to do a pull a train"
Okay, so the only reason this one made the cut is because I had to go look it up. I still can't figure out on how on God's green earth this got them here.

"drops to make someone submissive"
Omg! Do those require a prescription?? Because I could see them keeping me out of a lot of trouble.

"how to make your bitchy girlfriend submit"
Oh c'mon, really? I'm going to start getting offended if I keep getting hits from the whole "bitchy girlfriend" premise.

"the terrible girl submissive"

"create submissive girlfriend"
Is that like making pie?

"a whore called me a cunt" 
This one is by far my favorite. What else is there to say about it?

"Dominant dirty socks girl." 
Ew...I simply cannot think of any scenario where dirty socks are sexy, hot, or otherwise appealing in any way.

"How to become a sex slave to a vanilla husband"
I'm not a miracle worker you know...

Wednesday, May 1, 2013

What Makes You Happy?

Alpha and I had a very short, extremely sweet conversation on the phone yesterday. Okay, so it was sweet until interrupted by the child I was trying not to holler at...


"You should write baby."
"Why, because you don't want to (insert extremely physical and demanding profession here) anymore? It's not like I would make money on it anyways."
"No, because it would make you happy. And, while I do see you as an extension of myself, you are also your own person with your own dreams."
"Aww, that is really sweet. Dammit kid, please quit screwing around and do your English! Uh, sorry. This was a super sweet conversation for a minute there."
"Lol. It's okay.
It doesn't matter if you make money off of it or not. What matters is that it would make you happy."
"Yea...I guess I'll go ahead and get Word when our taxes come in"

Lack of the proper program has been a great excuse for years. Whatever am I going to do without said excuse?

I could easily come up with another excuse, or I could actually write something...

In other news, Alpha took the temperamental overachiever to work with him today. Uh huh, it's been a gloriously lazy day. Surprisingly frustration free too.
Okay, so there was that one moment when the little one lodged a complaint about me using a couple pieces of his cucumber on my eyes, but he forgave me.