Tuesday, January 28, 2014

The Beast In My Dreams

I miss it here. I think that this blog helps me focus on submission, and encourages introspection about this journey of power exchange.
Writing here is good for me. Not writing...Not so good.

When I'm really sick, he backs way off. He doesn't usually back off. Especially for so long.

It is still odd, yet somehow now predictable--this feeling.

As I float, something in him coils tighter and tighter
it is there in the way he touches me
the tense restraint in his hands
the unyielding bent of his body when it touches mine.
There is restrained force in every touch, and frustrated patience on his face, as dangerous calculations are  being made patiently behind his eyes.

He waits. While I, of necessity, float loosely leashed at his feet.
And while he waits, that something in him, that beast that he sates with me, it winds tighter still.
Waiting to be set free.
I feel it in his touch, rippling below the surface, waiting to feed. Hungry.
There's always a temporary fear, a momentary panic about things to come as soon as I realize I am well enough for him to feed.
I waiver, afraid to feel his teeth, afraid that he will feed, afraid to admit that my body is once again well enough to meet his needs. Because I am afraid to face the beast.

Yet still I find myself begging for it, begging to float loosely no longer
knowing that I will lay my heart  on his plate
open the doors to my mind
and feed him my soul
every day for my forever.
Because my being will always surrender
knowing that I live at the mercy of the beast who appears in my dreams.


  1. Wonderful thoughts and descriptive words -
    Sorry you have been unwell and hope you feel better soon.

    Love the apt backdrop.

    1. Thank you, sunnygirl!

      I do like this backdrop. Although, it's gotten so bad that I now see chess pieces when I sleep...They have corrupted me.

  2. "Every day for my forever" I REALLY like that.

    Hope the sickness passes soon and you both get back to normal.

    1. Thank you, Misty.

      I am definitely well enough to abuse, lol. Though this damn cough has a life of its own...

  3. And we miss you being here...

    1. Jz,

      I really didn't realize how much I was missing it here until I wrote this post and had a chance to browse around a bit...

  4. Hope your feeling better lil, i completely get what you mean about blogging providing some introspection, i find writing out whats going on in my head or just random rambles can (albeit not always) help me make sense of what im trying to get my head around.....blimey now that is a ramble that im not sure makes sense lol


    1. tori,
      I am feeling much more alive, thank you.

      It does make sense!
      And when there's so much stuff going on, it just gets worse because nothing gets out and it all builds up and everything just keeps feeling more and more crazy and it becomes a perpetual circle of crazy confusion...
      There's a nonsensical ramble for you!

  5. I know this is irreverent, and it isn't intended to be snarky but it might sound that way, but that last paragraph, Wow. Now I picture the two of you as a very kinky Belle & the Beast. Think twisted Disney redone by the Coen Brothers and Martin Scorsese.

    I'm so glad you're back Lil.

    1. lm,
      Omg, lmao! I can get along with that. Lol.

      It's good to be back.

  6. Wow Lil! This is beautiful and powerful. I hope you managed to kick that damn cough and feel better soon.

    The panic yet wanting ... yep. Totally with you too on blogging helping with submission and introspection.


    1. Roz,
      Thank you!
      That panic is an odd feeling isn't it?

  7. 'S good to see you. Glad you're feeling better.

    Beautiful post. You really have a way with words.

    1. Thank you Sarah!
      Good to see you too. Found that I missed it here something terrible.


Play nice.