Just Tell Me What the Fuck To Do

For an average of fifteen hours a day, five or more days a week, I make decisions. Some are small, a minor adjustment here, a slight schedule change there. Some are not so small--lots of prioritizing and readjusting to reality, lots of money, time, and people.

Decisions create a ripple affect that rolls through upwards of forty people. A decision made in another department three months ago impacts me tomorrow. A decision made by me impacts revenue streams a month from now.
People come to me with a hundred tiny questions a day, and a few really big issues.

Decisions. Choices. Making the call. Over and over again. Day in and day out. Long days. Long weeks. Hours that fly by too fast. Just trying to keep the ship floating, keep the people rowing in tandem, decide when to lower the sails, who most needs the limited amount of life jackets on any given day.

Decisions. Choices. All day. Every day.

Sometimes I want to crawl out of my own skin. The skin I wear so well, the skin that is but is not...Mine. His. Me. Us.

I am. The queen bee. The regulatory interpreter. The manager of a single department with her fingers in every other department.

Sometimes I just need to be told what the fuck to do.

Not at work. Because I largely do it my way, which led to an unpleasant conversation with my boss regarding the chain of command the other day where I walked out pretty pissed off. But if you want me to make all these decisions day in and day out every day, I refuse to have them all dissected, questioned, and challenged.
I don't always make the right call. Doing so is a statistical impossibility. But I make them, and my ratio of success is fairly high.

Decisions. Choices. All day. Every day.

Sometimes I want to crawl out of my own skin. The skin I wear so well, the skin that is but is not...Mine. His. Me. Us.

He likes it, having the queen bee bow down, fall to her knees at his feet, beg to be free.

When I'm with him I just want to be told what the fuck to do. Regardless of whether or not I have the least amount of desire to do it.

He asked me if I wanted to go out to dinner the other night. I looked at him and said, "Just tell me what the fuck to do". And he did. We went out to dinner.

The world, our world, it's a heavy heavy globe.

For him, peace comes in those moments when his control is total and absolute.
For me, peace comes in those moments without freedom, without choice, when I have no control or voice.