Friday, July 29, 2016

The playground Upon Which Demons Feed and Hidden Desires Dance

I forgot how to write here. I forgot slowly over time, one step away here, another step there...
And I knew what it meant when we showed her this place, that one day I would sit down to write and pause. Because eventually, they will both read every word drawled across these pages.

A lot has happened since the last time I sat here, words pouring from my fingertips. A lot of reality fucking bites. But that's not why I'm here now. In this moment.

There is a natural ebb and flow to ttwd. We gave a lot to that job. We gave our all for a long time. Sacrifices were made, and one of those sacrifices was living in an ebb of D/s the length and depth of which we have never really fallen into before.

She said something that hurt my feelings. I should have gone to her about it, but I didn't. I balled up and shut out. I lost my words and retreated in silence. More than a little lost and confused...

And I once again realized something intricately entwined yet completely unrelated--this place, this slut, this sub, this slave...This is me. I am who I am. He feeds the dark twisted parts of me that crave to be alive, to be explored in the night, all the twisted little kinks and fantasies...The darkness is a part of our bond.

I was kind of pissed off that I didn't write this because I could have. Verbatim. But I love it. And I sent it to him. Because this is a huge part of who him and I are together.
He fed me tequila and took me out.
And there was more tequila.
He mind-fucked me until I couldn't see straight.
Then he did it some more.
He did a number on my mind, that took me a day to come back from. Dunno, maybe I still am three days later.
He turned me upside down and inside fucking out.

She has shown me that there is a space for me that is not subspace. That passion can be gentle and kind and still consuming. Fucking amazing.
Still I know by the look in her eyes when she half whispers about an urge to be violent with me, there is always that in me which desires to feed the beast, to be the playground upon which demons feed and hidden desires dance.

While she has offered very little judgement, there is a discomfort with his ownership of me, and some days I feel a bit bipolar bouncing between them like a ping pong ball. And some days I know that my life is fuller of real living, of really being me, than it has in a very long time.

I am, without a doubt, rather lost. I have payed some fines at a very high cost. I have given all and walked away from a lot this year. I have refused to live on my knees to a corporate entity, and the price of walking away from it is high. But there is only one way in which I desire to live on my knees, and that was not it.

This has been one hell of a year.

I have fallen in love with a woman.
I have helped build a business which would not have existed without me.
I have worked the kind of hours which did not allow me to see the light of day.
I have inspired and cried.
I have refused to be the mouth which expresses only the beliefs of upper management.
I have been demoted for being...Me.
I have made CEO's cry.
I have walked away from the closest thing to a real career that I have ever known
on the basis of where I draw the line as a human being,
how I can sleep with myself at night,
on the basis of who is there to stand up for those who had no other voice to speak for them.
For her.

No longer there, but still here.


  1. Everything is always as it should be - whether we like it or not. You know that, so you will survive and will have learned lessons along the way.

    1. sunnygirl,
      lol, yes--like it or not!
      So very true.

  2. You love and you stand up for what you believe despite both of those being hard. You have my admiration and respect for what it's worth.

    1. Thank you, lm! it hasn't been easy and your words are greatly appreciated.

  3. Lil I know it doesn't feel like it, but gods damn, you are kicking ass at this life thing. Seriously.

    1. Bleue,
      it really doesn't feel like it. Thank you though! I try so hard it's practically painful sometimes lol.

  4. ^^What Bleue said.^^
    You have always lived your life in such a big way that my tiny little emotionally-stunted mind has had trouble wrapping itself around what it must feel like, but this last year you've really knocked it out of the park.
    And I'll freely admit, it leaves those of us still in the kiddie pool (or at least, this particular denizen) completely clueless as to how to be supportive.

    Best I can do is to wave my pompoms, baby-sit the rock, and give many bumps.
    Which, when combined with a dollar, might get you a cup of coffee.
    But the thought is there...

    1. Jz,
      Have I told you lately how much you totally rock?

      Some days emotionally stunted sounds downright appealing as an alternative to bat-shit crazy! I have honestly spent more time crying on the bathroom floor over the course of the last year than in a good many years put together lol.
      It certainly has been one hell of a ride though...

      Coffee under the rock phenomenal...

  5. What Jz and Bleu said . . .
    Your total embrace of life, of its messy emotions, the roller coaster of pain and joy and love and sheer misery leaves me in awe.
    I'm truly happy that you seem to be finding your way through the heartache to a path that works for all of you. I don't know what else to say, except that you're an inspiration to me.

    1. honorinsurrender,
      sometimes I think that if one doesn't embrace the messy roller coaster, you just up and fucking explode into a million tiny pieces because there are only so many options!
      It's all part of living, and if I'm going to live, I want to be truly alive while I'm at it...

      Thank you for your kind words.

  6. I too have been away but happy that I read this today. Life is forever changing we are forever changing and evolving. It's not supposed to be easy or simple, there are challenges at every turn. It is how we face them head on. We cannot give up and give in, we rise above the difficult things and keep going and with that the lessons learned. You are strong and inspirational to me and others. Hugs. K

    1. K,
      there have certainly been plenty of times when I would have given up if only it were an option! Kind of amazing what a person can do when they have no other choice, lol.

      Thank you!


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