Riptide

He looks at me and doesn’t see

So caught up in her and what they could or could not be

I walk into a room and he doesn’t even look up at me

Having lost all that he holds dear,

I brought to life my greatest fear.

And he assures me that in a trail of sluts and drugs

I will make my sacrifice and pay the price

Prefaced with an apology for the pain

He looks right through me resting there on my knees

Trembling at his feet and wondering

How it works being hung over the edge by someone who dangles by a thread.

She consumes him with her fire into which he jumps with an overwhelming desire

And I’m being sucked out into the riptide

Drowning in the dark side of darkness

Nowhere to go, nowhere to roam, nowhere left to run to

While he soothes her mind and tries to patch the cracks in her soul

Regretting that he can never make her whole.

I knew there would be a price to pay in some painful way

And so I get to ride the edges of misery

Distantly wondering how he can walk her so kindly through the pain

And not notice that I am going insane.

I’m here. Here on my knees

I will fall off the edge just to please

I have become

A reflection of myself in a window with her standing on the other side

He looks right through me to her all-consuming sight.

I heard a song, and the singer said, “Do you speak to me like you speak to God?”

Oh yes

So many times spent on my knees

Somehow it’s a spiritual thing

Sitting on my heels

Shoulders back

Hands lightly clasped

Surrendering to the dominance of man.

Yet somehow now, I have found shame in what I am 

in the ways I that I feed my soul

in the paths I have walked to make me whole...

Whispering quietly to myself as if there were someone there,

 "Do you speak to me like you speak to God?"

I would have said yes, but I'm a bit of a mess

and maybe my communion, is just some fucked up union

of my broken pieces patched haphazardly together with the pieces of my darkness.

Now

I’m here, sucked out into the riptide

For a while I put up a fight

Now

Let go

Let it suck me under

Forget to wonder

What it’s like on the other side

Just sink and drown in the riptide.

For a moment

I was the moon

And I pulled on the waves

Created the riptide in which my soul dies

I formed the wave, dug my own grave

And made the bed in which I’ll now lie

Tasting the tears which we now cry.

My soul is black and blue

Seeking to drown in you

But you look right on through

So I give in to the riptide

Let it explode through my mind

Losing myself somewhere between space and time

Going under to the sound of our distantly echoing thunder.