Thursday, August 24, 2017

Tired

Irony. Life is full of irony. Most of it bitter lol.

Lost Boy (Omega just doesn't work, he'll always be the gorgeous cold fucking lost boy) ran. And I'm pretty sure my marriage is over. And life is kind of fucking lonely. And sad. And ironic.

There's four of us in this picture, you see--Alpha, me, her, Lost Boy. And the most bitter irony of all, is that we're all going to end up alone.
She won't have Alpha after he leaves me. And Lost Boy will chase a love who thinks she can sooth that beast to sleep forever, and he thinks he can keep it asleep, but he can't because if he could I'd have never felt that hunger from him in the first place. Eventually he'll break her heart and hate himself for it, and while he'll never know how deeply he destroyed me, he will see every bit of her heartache.

They were both angry with me, her and Alpha. Because I won't tell Lost Boy what he's done to me, the destruction he's caused...They wanted to know why, and I didn't really tell them.
In part, it's because I let that stupid lovely cold fucking boy see me, and run his fingers through my fucking soul, and maybe I just couldn't bare that pain to him. More than anything though, I wanted him to leave me with something good. I wanted him to leave me knowing that I'd always fucking love him and want him to be happy and I'd never close the door. I didn't want him to leave me carrying my pain. I wanted even just one of us to walk away with something lovely and light. So I didn't tell him how very badly he fucked me up. And he's not speaking to me, so it's kind of a moot point...Suffice to say, I'm emotionally retarded and it feels like I let that boy rip out pieces of my fucking soul.

Alpha and I no longer make each other happy. All the trappings we use to define relationships aside, it is important to be kind to each other. And I'm afraid that we're reaching the point where there's no recovery from the awful things we've repeated over and over.
These days we are D/s whenever it is convenient to the one making the claim to assign the blame.

There's nothing left for me here. Besides a good high school with awesome teachers for my eldest. Alpha works in another state, Lost boy is leaving, my work all seems to be across state lines, and our lease is up October first and will not be renewable...I need to make a decision. Alpha wants to keep a household here for a year, but he will be living in another state for work come January regardless. I need to pick an area code. I need to base that decision on what's best for my kids. And I don't know...I've given myself until the end of next week to make a decision.

I am so fucking tired. Through my bones and my stupid broken heart, to the depths of my fucking soul. I am tired. So very goddamned tired.


11 comments:

  1. Sending huge (((Hugs))) Lil, and just wanted you to know I was here.

    Hugs
    Roz

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  2. Don't know what to say except that life is a bitch and forces us to make decisions whether we want to or not. I know you'll make the decision you think is best for you and your children. As Roz said, hugs, lots of hugs.

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  3. Hugs...and often that first step toward something new is the hardest..more hugs...abby

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  4. But actually, the problem is because you *aren`* emotionally retarded. If you had the ability to actually not feel a damn thing from another or to keep from throwing that heart around...sorry you aren`t a sheep, my friend.
    <3

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  5. This makes me want to go stab someone.
    Doesn't really surprise me, unhappily... but I still want to stab someone.
    Just on general principles, y'know...?

    *big ol' bump*
    The Rock Roomie

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  6. Have anyone with whom you can talk about your pain and anger? Lil... your heart is shattered... it scares the shit out of me to watch you in so much pain... what if it was me... how lonely i would be... no one able to understand... would you like a listening soul? For support, recognition...?

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  7. Hey Lil, Is this your life, or mine? I say that because if I'm reading it correctly, you just described the end of my first marriage. I spent a lot of years alone after that doing what was best for my kids above all else and it was worth it. Now I have Eric. Be tired, and sad, and motivated, and all of the emotions under the sun but always be you. Time has a plan and there will be some magic in the future you haven't discovered yet. Trust me, it'll find you. Ride the wave girl. You've got friends out here. We'll ride it with you.
    Amy

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Play nice.