Tuesday, August 21, 2018

Grey

So...It's been a hot minute since I posted here huh. I don't know how to be be here. I was always me in this forum. Nothing more, and certainly nothing less. Yet now...I have this thing...This fear that anything I say here will be thrown at me in the most painful of ways by the one whom this blog so much revolved around...So I don't write. Cuz yea, it hurts. More than I can put into words...

I used to believe that life was black and white. I prefer to see the world in terms of black and white. It's simple. Right, wrong; love, hate; black and white. But he taught me that there is grey. I fucking hate grey. And fuck 50 shades of grey for acting like grey is cool, but I digress, as usual...
My life is grey. and I fucking hate that. I want to live in black and white, or color so intense the eye can barely see it and the mind struggles to comprehend it...

But he taught me that anything can be grey...Grey is that place where your lifetime love meets that which hates you with all it's heart and soul but also loves you...Grey is that place where you want nothing more than escape, yet at the same time...Maybe you don't...Grey is an eternal fucking limbo where everything you believed collides with everything that is and none of it makes sense. Grey is wanting to run away and slit your wrists but being in love with a past which is no longer reality. Grey is, "his limits are mine" until you realize that you never actually knew his limits...Grey is needing submission to the core of your being and questioning what you are every day of your life because you drew the line somewhere... Grey is when you have sweated in sheets and screamed someones name for nearly twenty years while they lovingly whispered in you ear what a whore you were, only to someday hear them scream at you that you are merely a worthless whore whom they wish would die.

Grey is being in love with a memory that hates you but is still in love with you and won't let you go.

And yea, I'm in love with a sadist who once broke my heart. But I feel like I can't write that here...Cuz the various shades of grey will appear to rub salt in the open wounds of what was, was is, and what will be. 

So until the next time...If you used to read and you're curious about where we landed, this sums it up pretty damn well. Except for the she don't give a shit bit. Cuz I always give a shit. And that's one of the reasons I despise grey.


15 comments:

  1. I was glad to see your post come up on my feed, but you sound so disheartened and i don't know how to say anything that could be comforting, except I'm here, reading, and listening, and in some part can understand the feeling of things pulling in different directions. Sending thoughts and hugs across the oceans.

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    1. Fondles,
      just seeing your comment and knowing you're still here when so much of my life has gone was a comfort in itself.
      Thank you!!

      Delete
  2. Hi Lil, I too was glad to see a post from you, I have been wondering about you.

    We are here to listen Lil, and we care. Sending positive thoughts, love and lots of (((hugs))) your way.

    Roz

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    Replies
    1. I appreciate you so much Roz!
      Hugs right back atcha.

      Delete
  3. Hugs....if writing or ranting helps..we are here...abby

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    1. Hugs back atcha abby. Thank you for being here.

      Delete
  4. I think you summed up grey perfectly. There are many quotes I could take from your writing today. I know it probably means very little from a stranger, but I am truly sorry you ended up where you are. I do know ( for different reasons) what it is like to be in love with the past and it is so very painful.

    I hope someday your love of the present equals the memory of the love of the past.
    willie

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    1. Wilma,
      So much of my life and what I believed to be written in concrete has changed, so it means more than you think coming from a stranger that was here reading this place before.
      Thank you.

      Delete
  5. Is Grey a place of "trying to heal" or a place of "can't move back, can't move forward"?
    Not that the geography of it makes it any less miserable one way or the other, but it would give me a better idea of where to direct both my ire and my ardent wishes for healing. (i.e., do I offer you the rock or throw it at someone myself?)
    These are important questions, my friend...

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    1. Jz,
      yea...right now grey is kinda stuck in place...
      Ooh, can we hide under the rock and throw pieces of it, thus utilizing it to the greatest extent possible??
      They are important questions and I'm glad you asked them. Sometimes I'm afraid to ask myself.

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    2. I'd hate to diminish our rock by pelting pieces, especially since we installed that nice porch...
      BUT --
      I see absolutely no reason that we can't utilize all those little rock wannabes that cluster around. They irritate me anyhow, might as well put them to good use!

      Delete
  6. I am not around much anymore but when I saw your post come up on my blog role I was happy. I thought perhaps things had come around for you. Sorry I was wrong.
    I don't know what I could do but like Roz and abby said, I can listen and if you want to rave, rant or write, I'll be here.

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    1. Sunnygirl,
      I can't tell you how much it means to me just knowing you're still here. I appreciate you. Thank you.

      Delete
  7. Hey, either way? I have a rock to add to the pile, too.
    You are strong af my friend. Good seeing your words.

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    1. Bleue,
      I appreciate the rock. So much. Thank you fo still being here and still being you.

      Delete

Play nice.