I had dream last night...Honestly, I don't even remember it, but I remember the feeling. A feeling that I can't seem to feel anymore. There's a hollow place where it once took up so much of my being...
I woke up remembering the feeling, a glimpse in a dream, and I grabbed at it, tried to wrap it around me and pull it out of bed with me. I tried to hold it close to my chest, to sink into it and forget the rest..But in the light of day, slowly it fades away.
It was that feeling that only comes when there is no thought, no self, no control of self, just a sea of Dominance to drown in and surround me. That feeling of being owned wherein the world doesn't exist--just a million stars floating on a thousand waves in the deep end of an endless ocean of master and slave. The knowledge of predator and prey...That the prey will always willingly bleed a thousand seas to feed the beast, and that all is as it should be.
I woke up with a feeling, and I tried to grab it, to sink into it, to once again be it. Complete. yet slowly it fades away with the light of day.
I might be an up and down kind of person, with mood swings to rival an unpredictable storm, but I know things about myself. One of those things is that true happiness, for me, only exists when I can feel that feeling.
I know things about reality too, like we have to live in it, and if we don't make our current reality work, we are in for a world of hurt. He doesn't have the time or the energy to do what it takes to get me to that place, to fight me because I cannot seem to yield, to put me in our space, and keep me even remotely near. Because I'm a million miles away, in yesterday, tomorrow, and today. I'm on the other side of the world every time he reaches for me, and I can't even seem to dip my toes into the sea.
I'm not happy here, and I am aware that we are in the midst of what is
(hopefully) a peak time of stress, so it's unfair to make a blanket
statement about how much it all sucks.
Yes, we are a team. An apparently professional and competent duo who have been fortunate enough to find themselves on a team of consummate professionals with amazing minds and incredible drive.
Yet...I am becoming painfully aware that I am no longer me and we are no longer us.