Saturday, June 13, 2015

In the Light of Day

I had  dream last night...Honestly, I don't even remember it, but I remember the feeling. A feeling that I can't seem to feel anymore. There's a hollow place where it once took up so much of my being...

I woke up remembering the feeling, a glimpse in a dream, and I grabbed at it, tried to wrap it around me and pull it out of bed with me. I tried to hold it close to my chest, to sink into it and forget the rest..But in the light of day, slowly it fades away.

It was that feeling that only comes when there is no thought, no self, no control of self, just a sea of Dominance to drown in and surround me. That feeling of being owned wherein the world doesn't exist--just a million stars floating on a thousand waves in the deep end of an endless ocean of master and slave. The knowledge of predator and prey...That the prey will always willingly bleed a thousand seas to feed the beast, and that all is as it should be.

I woke up with a feeling, and I tried to grab it, to sink into it, to once again be it. Complete. yet slowly it fades away with the light of day.

I might be an up and down kind of person, with mood swings to rival an unpredictable storm, but I know things about myself. One of those things is that true happiness, for me, only exists when I can feel that feeling.

I know things about reality too, like we have to live in it, and if we don't make our current reality work, we are in for a world of hurt. He doesn't have the time or the energy to do what it takes to get me to that place, to fight me because I cannot seem to yield, to put me in our space, and keep me even remotely near. Because I'm a million miles away, in yesterday, tomorrow, and today. I'm on the other side of the world every time he reaches for me, and I can't even seem to dip my toes into the sea.

I'm not happy here, and I am aware that we are in the midst of what is (hopefully) a peak time of stress, so it's unfair to make a blanket statement about how much it all sucks.
Yes, we are a team. An apparently professional and competent duo who have been fortunate enough to find themselves on a team of consummate professionals with amazing minds and incredible drive.

Yet...I am becoming painfully aware that I am no longer me and we are no longer us.
I woke up remembering a feeling, a glimpse in a dream, and I grabbed at it, tried to wrap it around me and pull it out of bed with me. I tried to hold it close to my chest, to sink into it and forget the rest..But in the light of day, slowly it fades away.

14 comments:

  1. You are the you that you need to be right now...not by choice, but by necessity. Hang in there, whenever you can, grab hold of that 'feeling'....
    hugs abby

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. abby,
      necessity can be a real bitch, huh?
      I'm trying!

      Delete
  2. Perhaps set yourself a goal of giving it another 6 months, If your still feeling the same then it's time to sit down with Alpha and assess the situation.

    Hugs x


    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. tori,
      a, the thing is...I have no idea what such an assessment would mean...leaving here is no an option, and it won't be for several years still...
      Perhaps we could define what we need to change...Dunno...

      Hugs back*

      Delete
  3. Just sending huge (((hugs))) I'm with Abby, grab hold of that feeling whenever you can.

    Hugs
    Roz

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you Roz.
      I'm trying, really I am!

      Delete
  4. Hugs and and some of what everyone else said xxx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you, Julie. I appreciate the support.

      Delete
  5. It is so hard in this place, hard to miss all the things you had to give up. So you are the kind of people who do what has to be done - that's a good thing - just a hard thing. Like Jz says - bumps!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. gg,
      it's funny how you never even think of half the things you have until you realize that there's a void where they once were!

      It's one of my favorite things about us--that whole doing what has to be done bit...Some days, I don't think it's actually all that great though, lol.

      Thank you!!!

      Delete

Play nice.