Sunday, January 31, 2016

I Am Who I Am...

One of my bosses is really pissing me off. I almost quit. But then Alpha asked me to stay. And those stupid glorious kids with all their dreams of changing the world and pioneering something great keep working their asses off.
So I stay.
The thing is...The boss wants me to be something I'm not. He's trying to fit me into one of the boxes he has been able to apply to everyone else he has ever dealt with.
But I don't. I'm not. And I'm far too tired for any new forms of evolution beyond trying desperately not to fall off the very steep learning curve.

In marketing and business, there's always a hook. People have currency--money, success, fame, etc. I don't care about those things. And having a hook in everyone is very important to him. So he tries different approaches with me, and each one is successively worse than the one before. It went from ego stroking (also not good currency for me) to the power play of reminding me of my place in the food chain and putting me squarely in it. Followed with some irritating ego stroking. It was not well received.

I have never made and claims about being driven, about being a business woman, about being successful, about wanting to pioneer new pathways in any industry.
I said, yes--I'm good at this. Yes you need someone to do it. Sure, I'll do it to the best of my ability, but I'm trying to figure this shit out as I go.

I am who I am. Regardless of what you make or who you think you own, who you know or what successes you have had.
I have more respect for the people I run than I do for the random millionaire or politician who trots through--he's sure as hell not working until 10:00 at night with me, and some of these kids will crawl through the trenches with me until they can't even see straight. Because respect is earned.

I have changed a lot over the course of the last year. But I will not compromise who I am for money or recognition, or other people.
I don't quit because Alpha asks me to stay. Because I can't abandon my crew. Because I help to ensure that those kids have a job to come back to every day. Because Alpha asks me to stay.

But I would rather be fired than become, or pretend to become, something I am not. Because I am who I am, and in the end? That is all any of us really gets to say that we have.

Really? I just want to go home and sleep for a hundred years. Home home, not this house we live in home. Home where the stars whisper in your ears and the moon caresses your skin. Where the trees know your name and none of the people are ever trying to be the same.

It has taken me a ridiculously long time to define my currency.
My currency is love and loyalty. They cannot be bought or sold, they cannot be quantified by numbers on a spreadsheet, or defined only by measurable output.
It is there when Alpha asks me to give this thing one more genuine shot. It is there with the girl who puts her head down, never complaining, and works with me until long after the sun goes down. It is in the kid running out the door after a ten hour shift on his way to his second job. It is there when my crew tells me I should go home and get some sleep--not because they want to go home early, but because they know that after their ten hours in a day, I'm already in fourteen.


  1. Still trying to figure out my currency, though love is on the list for sure. I find at work and "in the real world", I feel like I'm role playing a lot. It's in my non-vanilla relationship that I am most authentic. Hang in there at the J-O-B. Maybe you can convince yourself that it's flattering your boss would take the time to try and find your currency. Many times, bosses are just pushy. Amy

    1. Amy,
      I think that he feels the need to know my currency because he needs me. If you can at least sell someone dreams, you have a hook to keep them on!

  2. Lil,
    working for a bad boss is just about the worst experience that can happen. I know, I did it for 17 years and did it willingly because of my clients...all the other people who also worked for that idiot. I think thats why anyone works those 10 hours a day, 6 days a week every week of the year.

    Well, he finially got his way when he sacked me. Unfortunately for him and the company I took him to the industrial court and won a very significant damages claim. Part of it was he was forced to offer me my old job back but it was with great pleasure I told him to shove it up his fundimental sideways.
    This whole thing has taught me that no matter how good you are there are still arseholes everywhere. And more importantly your health, sanity and integrity are the most precious things you have (apart from Alpha of course)
    Please look after yourself; you are more precious than your job!

    1. Downunder Don,
      I'll bet that telling him to shove the job was a hell of a lot of fun!

      Thank you for sharing your story, and the support.

  3. You are amazing and I would hate it if you turned into anything other than who you are.

    Eff that asshole!

    Missing home is so hard... Hug

    1. Thank you Misty!

      I miss talking to you.

  4. Love and loyalty. Yep. Can't be bought or contained or molded or conformed.
    Despite this? You sound kind of happy or happier.
    And yeah, I echo Misty. You are all kinds of amazing.

    1. Bleue,
      aw, you guys are entirely too good to me.

      This week sucks, but hey--there's always next week, right?

  5. You are an amazing person Lil. Stay true to yourself.


  6. Good for you, lil! Hope your perseverance pays off, and pays off in the currency that matters to you. Take care!

    1. Jake,
      thank you!
      As always, nice to see you here.

  7. Stick to your guns lil. You're the one who has to live with yourself when all is said and done. As Alpha said, give it your best shot, don't compromise your principles and if it means getting fired, then so be it - it's what is supposed to happen.

    1. sunnygirl,
      I've just reached to point of being so damn tired with it all, you know?

      Thank you!!!


Play nice.