We like to wrap things up in pretty little boxes, tie them shut with decorative bows. and pretend that all the worst and most amazing things in life are neat or pretty.
They aren't. Life is fucking messy.
Life is learning that your 14 year old son hates his middle name because your sil's ex boyfriend by the same name used to beat the shit out of her in front of him when he was six. Life is finally telling your six year old to sock the neighbor kid back. Life is watching your son try not to puke in the bushes after finding a dead body on his way to school. Life is wandering through the downtrodden streets and alleyways of a city you used to hate and accepting the beauty in its broken depravity. Life is snow in fucking May.
Life is learning that your 14 year old son hates his middle name because your sil's ex boyfriend by the same name used to beat the shit out of her in front of him when he was six. Life is finally telling your six year old to sock the neighbor kid back. Life is watching your son try not to puke in the bushes after finding a dead body on his way to school. Life is wandering through the downtrodden streets and alleyways of a city you used to hate and accepting the beauty in its broken depravity. Life is snow in fucking May.
Life. We deny how raw it really is because we rarely have the stomach for blood, and it's easier to look at the bandage.
But life is bloody and raw and beautiful. It's passionate rage and ecstasy, pleasure and pain...Life is madness and magic. If we let ourselves feel it.
Love? Love is a goddamned battleground. Yea, it's beautiful and it's fucking epic. Love will wash through your soul in an epic rain of blood and roses. And if you think it's not gonna make you bleed like nothing else ever could, you are sadly mistaken.
Love is watching your husband, on a weekly basis, go fuck the soul sucking cunt that fucked you over, and attempting to find some modicum of grace. Because it makes him happy and fits within the fucking parameters of being owned that you agreed to.
Love is having two men bitch you out about not wearing a coat when you should. It's craving the look in some goddamn lost boy's eyes when he's really listening to you, and the tone in his voice when he tells you exactly what he wants in that moment.
Love is an epic goddamned wonderland of beauty and shit.
So yea...I am no longer who I once was. But I am what I am, I am submissive to my very fucking core whether I like it or not. And that will never change, regardless of how I feel about it.
I am not what I once was, but I am what I am. And this place is still my story.
Love is watching your husband, on a weekly basis, go fuck the soul sucking cunt that fucked you over, and attempting to find some modicum of grace. Because it makes him happy and fits within the fucking parameters of being owned that you agreed to.
Love is having two men bitch you out about not wearing a coat when you should. It's craving the look in some goddamn lost boy's eyes when he's really listening to you, and the tone in his voice when he tells you exactly what he wants in that moment.
Love is an epic goddamned wonderland of beauty and shit.
So yea...I am no longer who I once was. But I am what I am, I am submissive to my very fucking core whether I like it or not. And that will never change, regardless of how I feel about it.
I am not what I once was, but I am what I am. And this place is still my story.
Wow! Very powerful post. Very raw.
ReplyDeleteI am glad you are back and embracing who you are, even if who you are is not who you were a year ago.
You are right. Life is messy. I hate that society buts such blinders on, instead of embracing the truth about life.
Hugs! Welcome back.
His slut,
Deleteraw is kinda my mode these days lol.
And yes, I cannot help but wonder how different the world would be if we weren't, as a whole, so afraid to really see...
Welcome back Lil, glad to see you post again. Wow, I agree, such a powerful and raw post. Life is both beautiful and messy.
ReplyDeleteHugs
Roz
Thank you Roz!
DeleteCheering for you, Lil.
ReplyDeleteI appreciate you Bleue!
DeleteGood to see you have returned to blog land. <3
ReplyDeleteThank you Adaline. It's good to be back.
DeleteLive is messy, but easier when shared...glad you are back. hugs abby
ReplyDeleteabby,
Deleteso true!
Glad you've returned to blogland.
ReplyDeleteAs am I sunnygirl, as am I.
DeleteWelcome back, Lil. You're right...life is messy with awesome highs and horrible lows. So sorry your kiddos are hurting. Sending prayers and healing energy for all of you.
ReplyDeleteHugs and blessings...Cat
Cat,
Deletelife really is somethin...
The kids will be ok--they come from a long tough line of crazy lol.
Thank you! We need all the good energy we can get these days.
Welcome doesn't quite seem to fit, so I will say I am glad you are writing here again.
ReplyDeleteI am glad to be writing here again, lm. Thank you.
DeleteGood to see you writing here again and not letting her take this from you
ReplyDeleteIt's good to be back. It really is.
ReplyDelete