Saturday, January 27, 2018

It's been a while...

It has been a considerable amount of time since I have posted here...As considerable as that time may be, I feel that it is somewhat minute in comparison to the changes my life has undergone since August.
Part of my reticence in writing here is due to the knowledge that what I write is likely to be used against me. I have only ever written what was truly me here, and I prefer to express silence over falsehoods, because at least that is genuine.
If you read me before, and you're reading me now, I just wish for you to know that my life has unimaginably and irrevocably changed, and I miss this space. I miss you reading me, your thoughts and words, and I'm not gone. Just lost. This place is still mine, and I have neither forgotten nor abandoned it.

Monday, December 25, 2017

Little One,

I have lost the will to live.....You have taken it from me.....You took off your collar......You are no longer mine...... I thought I was the best....

I guess fucking not. You fell in love with her....You fell in love with him......Why the fuck was I not enough.

Years ago you stopped going into space for me....It was always my fault....I was doing it wrong. 
Fact is you don't love me, You love the Ideal of me.....

You told me that b didn't love me......that she was just a soul sucking cunt that ruined your life....

You gave her to me.....Said she was your gift to me, and I your gift to her.

Then you took her away.

You want me to be miserable.  Its the only time you smile.  That and when your with her.

You took all your submission and gave it to a stupid fucking little boy that will never be half the man I am let alone a dom...He is a piece of shit.  Never deserved your love.....but you took him from me too......Just like you took B.

You take everything I love away from me......The only thing I am allowed to love is what you say.

You topped from the bottom our whole relationship.....Always telling me I was doing It wrong.

You took your submission from me and gave it to that little piece of shit boy......when he didn't want it.....I couldn't console you......you had to run to her.......you don't give a shit about me......i'm just a fixture in your life that you don't want to be without...

I want to fucking die......you told me that B was killing us.....But you share her bed now.....will not even take your clothes off in mine.....I want to fucking die........Merry Fucking Christmas.

You will not even let me walk away and have another......yes little one, she does love me, and her collar is the most important thing she has ever had.....but it doesnt matter cause shes just a week little street whore.........She couldn't possibly love me, you have shown me that I am unworthy of love.

I want to die......thanks for the lie.

Yours Truly,

The Piece of  Shit you used to call master
Alpha

Thursday, August 24, 2017

Tired

Irony. Life is full of irony. Most of it bitter lol.

Lost Boy (Omega just doesn't work, he'll always be the gorgeous cold fucking lost boy) ran. And I'm pretty sure my marriage is over. And life is kind of fucking lonely. And sad. And ironic.

There's four of us in this picture, you see--Alpha, me, her, Lost Boy. And the most bitter irony of all, is that we're all going to end up alone.
She won't have Alpha after he leaves me. And Lost Boy will chase a love who thinks she can sooth that beast to sleep forever, and he thinks he can keep it asleep, but he can't because if he could I'd have never felt that hunger from him in the first place. Eventually he'll break her heart and hate himself for it, and while he'll never know how deeply he destroyed me, he will see every bit of her heartache.

They were both angry with me, her and Alpha. Because I won't tell Lost Boy what he's done to me, the destruction he's caused...They wanted to know why, and I didn't really tell them.
In part, it's because I let that stupid lovely cold fucking boy see me, and run his fingers through my fucking soul, and maybe I just couldn't bare that pain to him. More than anything though, I wanted him to leave me with something good. I wanted him to leave me knowing that I'd always fucking love him and want him to be happy and I'd never close the door. I didn't want him to leave me carrying my pain. I wanted even just one of us to walk away with something lovely and light. So I didn't tell him how very badly he fucked me up. And he's not speaking to me, so it's kind of a moot point...Suffice to say, I'm emotionally retarded and it feels like I let that boy rip out pieces of my fucking soul.

Alpha and I no longer make each other happy. All the trappings we use to define relationships aside, it is important to be kind to each other. And I'm afraid that we're reaching the point where there's no recovery from the awful things we've repeated over and over.
These days we are D/s whenever it is convenient to the one making the claim to assign the blame.

There's nothing left for me here. Besides a good high school with awesome teachers for my eldest. Alpha works in another state, Lost boy is leaving, my work all seems to be across state lines, and our lease is up October first and will not be renewable...I need to make a decision. Alpha wants to keep a household here for a year, but he will be living in another state for work come January regardless. I need to pick an area code. I need to base that decision on what's best for my kids. And I don't know...I've given myself until the end of next week to make a decision.

I am so fucking tired. Through my bones and my stupid broken heart, to the depths of my fucking soul. I am tired. So very goddamned tired.


Monday, July 24, 2017

Dancing on the Edge

She said she missed the way I live on the edge.
He said he loved me and wasn't in love with me, but wanted to fuck me. Sex, nothing more. Nothing less. Then he said it didn't feel okay and walked away.
Alpha said it was okay. Then it wasn't.

They enjoy the way I dance on the edge
until they get too close.
careful darlin with what you broke
my edges are jagged and shattered
and I'll not hesitate to lick the blood from your fingertips
as it slowly drips
taste your sorrows upon my lips
just...Dig your fingers into my hips
and let the facade slip.

They like the way I live on the edge,
dance with the demons in my head
until they get close to my bed
there are dangers under my pillow
monsters in the closets
under my bed a story of wins and losses
never forgotten tales of forsaken causes.

Wander these city streets, feel the pavement beneath my feet
listen to my own words echoing through my mind...
I wish you loved me like you used to
don't let that motherfucker slide
I'm scarred as fuck and you're afraid I'll ask you to put the pieces back together
I love you
I'm sorry the world's gone to shit kid
I'm fine
your aunt stabbed herself in front of the little one last night
fuck with me some more and I'ma fuck you up
read me at your own risk
what's a nice kid like you doing in a place like this
sorry I got tanked and lost my shit
breathe through the panic,
the kids are good, 4.0 students all day long
I want you
fuck you
I'm sorry our life isn't normal kiddo
I am damn good at what I do
normal is overrated and easily debated
touch me and I'll stick a pair of scissors in your fucking leg
we'll all do whatever we have to to survive baby
I'm about to throw my phone through the damn wall
fuck me
I'm tired of being lonely
I'm sorry
please

They like to watch me dance on the edge
receive an invite to my bed
fuck a little bit with my head
watch me see red.
I'll sing for you, bleed for you, shatter my dreams for you
lick the blood off these bones, in midnight's twilight we are all alone
searching for something to call home
looking for an escape from the ache of this place

I am no cookie cutter queen with rainbow dreams
I am the teeth chewing at my own seams
the grey area in between
you and me
and all the things we don't want to see.