Safewords

I was reading a post over at Finding my Submission (listed on the left), and there was a bit of discussion/disagreement between the commenters regarding safewords. Since my thoughts all revolved around the comments, I came back home with my little soapbox lol.

One commenter said that she had never understood the use of a safeword, that having one means you don't trust your Dom, and if you have a safeword, you are actually the one in control.

I disagree completely.

 For one thing, I absolutely hate conversations where someone comes off as "more submissive than thou," as if the submission of one person has any more quality than than the submission of another. You see it pretty blatantly sometimes with people who don't have safewords and enjoy criticizing those who do.

Ironically,  I have read things over at Finding my Submission that would have had me screaming a safeword at the top of my lungs regardless of whether I had one or not lol. Yet she hasn't.

ttwd is about what works for the individual, it's not a "one size fits all" kind of thing.

Anyways, back on point.

It could just as easily be said that the sub is really the one in control in any D/s relationship because she has given consent for her consent to be taken away. If she does not submit, there is no Dominance.
Does saying that make me feel in control? Nope. Not in the least little bit lol. I could say it until I'm blue in the face and it won't make me anymore in charge than I was five minutes ago.

A safeword isn't something you spit out because you're tired of playing, or because a break would be nice. In fact, I think most subs are quite willing to go to extremes in an effort to avoid saying it.
There's also the little fact that sometimes we forget we have them, or using words at all is like trying to speak a foreign tongue one has never heard.

A safeword is not a tool to control your Dominant--it is a tool for Him to know absolutely that He needs to pause then and there to evaluate His sub's condition.

Does having a safeword make you better or worse than someone who doesn't have one? Does it mean you have more or less control than someone else? I don't think so.

After the first year or so of exploring ttwd, I asked Alpha for a safeword.
Because I felt like He was spending a lot of time holding back, that having it in place would give Him more freedom to do as He wanted without as much fear of damaging me.
I wanted to be able to scream "no, stop" until I couldn't breath and have Him ignore it completely.
And the safeword served its purpose well though I never used it.

A while back, Alpha suggested we get rid of my safeword. I hemmed and hawed and stumbled around the idea. He pointed out that were I really to need it, I probably wouldn't be able to open my mouth and make words come out anyways. I had to admit, He was right lol.
And really, when I'm so far under that I can't see straight, I'm not a good judge of what is to much for me and there were a couple of times I should have used it but I didn't. Times when He was relying on the fact that I would if I needed to instead of just relying on His own judgement.

So we got rid of the safeword.
But do I think they are a good idea? Yes. Like wearing shoes in a junkyard (ooh, I'm gonna hear about that one, "you compared our relationship to a junkyard?!" lol), it's just common sense.
Am I lacking common sense? Maybe. I also hate shoes though.

Safeword or no safeword, ttwd is about the individual and their needs. So in the end, it doesn't really matter as long as you're doing what's right for you and your partner.
Though if you don't have one? You had better be damn sure the person in charge actually gives a shit and knows you better than you could ever hope to know yourself.

Names

The kittens now have names--one begins with an s, the other with an m. You see where I'm going here...Also known privately as S&M.

Terrible way to pick a name isn't it lol.

Free Will

Free will is something Alpha and I have talked about rather extensively. In fact, His email is "iamherwill" lol.
It's not a new concept, the idea that free will is really all we have when everything else is stripped away--the one thing we were all given by our creator that can never be completely taken from us.
Even in situations where we are not in control, we still have free will. Even if it's only in how we choose to perceive the situation and the emotions we allow ourselves to have within any given experience.

So how does one in fact give their free will to another? Shouldn't it be, by definition, impossible for one's free will to belong to someone else?
Perhaps it depends on the context in which you look at it. Alpha and I had a conversation about free will, specifically mine, a while back (you know, one of those where I was so far under I couldn't see straight which is hardly fair if you ask me. He didn't of course lol). He wanted it. My free will.
And that freaked me out. Because, really that's impossible right. And without free will, what are we?
The thing was, He wanted me to keep the key (look, metaphor is fun, so pfbt). Because was there really any more secure place to keep it than within the recesses of my own mind? He wants me to exert my free will in daily life. But when it comes to Him? He wants my will to be His.

We all exercise our free will every day no matter who we are. The choice to pause between breaths or turn our heads are simple expressions of free will which are so simple, we don't even think about it.

All living things are born with free will. It's the one thing we all have in common. You could argue that we are largely shaped by our culture and environment; that our actions and perceptions will be a reflection of those things and as such, many of the choices we make are largely predetermined. And while that may be true, we still have the ability to question, to shape our own opinions, to make choices that take us outside of what we have been taught and raised to believe.

So yes, ultimately, we are all born and die with free will. It can't really be taken away. But it can be given freely of itself in the moment.

Because handing over free will, as logically impossible as it may be, is the ultimate expression of that will. And when Alpha reaches out for mine, it becomes His.

Soccer Season--Yes, I Said Soccer

I have absolutely nothing kinky or sex related to say tonight. No philosophical corny musings about love or life's deeper meaning, no deep dark desires or hidden fantasies, nothing interesting at all really lol.
Alpha is working a ten day week, on day seven now. I brought home two very cute kittens who instantly changed from sweet to borderline vicious after two hours in my house. And it was the first game of soccer season.

I doubt anyone browses D/s blogs to read about someone's kid and their sports lol, so you have been warned.

I gotta say though, I felt bad for the kiddo today. And I'm really proud of him. See, last year he really didn't improve his skills at all simply because we had a coach who, when he even bothered to show up, couldn't be bothered to teach the kids anything. Now this year, the kiddo has moved to a new level because of his age--now they have goalies, really enforce the rules, and keep score.

It's a whole new ballgame.

And the poor dude? He's used to really carrying his team. Not being that kid who just can't pull it off. Today, he really couldn't pull it off. He was "that kid" on the team and the team carried him. Of course, he's been sick for a couple of days and puked halfway to town. I told him he didn't have to go, I did everything short of outright forbidding it and refusing to take him.

But the kid loves soccer. And he has this inner drive that's amazing. And I'm proud of him--because he went and gave it his all. None of us is used to seeing his all be anything short of a great performance. But that's okay. Because he can make up for that year of not getting to learn with a good coach. And he's a quick learner.
Unfortunately for him, he's inherited this painful trait from his parents--you know, where "okay" isn't good enough, and failure is  unacceptable. Well, as long as we're not talking chores lol. It's not an easy way to be though.

And did I mention? The kid has heart and guts. He won't give up no matter what--which is a major pain in the ass when you are his parent. But as far as human qualities go, it's respectable.

The kid's got heart. And I love him all the more for it.

Omg, I can't believe it took all this time to sink in--I'm a soccer mom and surprisingly proud of it. Well, him.

Because despite the ups and downs of parent/child relations? He's an amazing kid.

Constant Dominance

I mused on this subject for a while and rediscovered the draft I wrote a while back. Since I have nothing even semi-interesting to say besides the fact that we are about to add kittens to our menagerie and I want to go to bed not work, I figured I would publish it lol.


No one is Dominant all the time.

I know, shocker right? Bastards. Inconsiderate of them to be human too isn't it lol. But it's true. Constant Dominance is a myth. No matter who you are, what your situation is, or how entwined ttwd is in your life, being Dominant all the time is not possible. Maybe a few people will sputter and object, but it's just  fact of living life and being human.
People get sick, there are problems, everyone has bad days, we all submit to someone at some point in some way.
As a submissive, it can be a hard pill to swallow. I mean, no one really wants to submit to anything less than what they see as one of the ultimate powers right?
But I think that the simple fact that no one is Dominant all the time is perhaps one of the rewards of Dominance (I of course, see other rewards, like blow jobs on demand from a tired and cranky graceful sub, getting your way, having the last word, etc lol).
Anyways, dragging my ass back on track here, being Dominant gives an area in life where a Dom has control regardless of what's going on at work or anywhere else. A while back when things were going really bad, Alpha told me that our relationship was about the only thing He was really happy with in His life. At the time, some decisions had been made that did not end well, His business was a mess, circumstances dictated that He had a great lack of control over anything. Except for me.

And that was enough. Not ideal maybe, but enough nonetheless.

I'm not an expert on being Dominant. Because that's not who I am and I see it from my end of the spectrum-- as a submissive. Though it could also, of course, be said that I ain't (is so a word when the children can't hear it), an expert on submission either lol.

But expertise or lack thereof aside, I do believe it to be true--constant Dominance is a myth.

Ugh

For once, I have absolutely nothing good to say (oh sure, go ahead and snicker, just try not to spit coffee all over the keyboard while you're laughing).

I'm sick. I have a 30some hour work week to complete in three days. The property twenty feet away from our door is getting sold--to my crazy mother in law or some psycho bitch who sent the police to my house for a nonexistent domestic dispute a few days ago. Oh yesssssss--today is just beautiful. Drama comes in so many pretty shades of rage-red!

I live in crazy land. And I would love to be able to buy them all  tickets to go far far away from here. Complimentary mind-numbing cold virus included free of charge.

Hard Use

Stepping out of the shower last night, I was thinking that I was rather glad He hadn't read my blog that morning and wouldn't see it until today. Hah. Great minds think opposite. I wandered into the living room only to be accosted by that horribly squirmy feeling which accompanies His reading my occasional communications with Him via blogger. Exceptionally close to bedtime too. Meaning His chance to implement any not-so-bright ideas I may have inspired was near at hand.

I should really keep my dreams to myself.
Because I have one dirty little moment in dreamland, and He runs with it, makes it so much more, takes whatever was hiding in my mind, proceeding to beat and fuck it into a whole new level of existence.

Oh who am I kidding? Myself I suppose.

I loved it. My mind rebels, my body betrays, and I drown in it anyways. There is part of me that was very much made for hard use.

I tend to cultivate the inner fierceness that keeps me going, makes me feel like I have my shit together, forces all my ducks to walk in the cute little row I want.
It can interfere with submission a bit. And sometimes it takes something more powerful, more fierce and raging than myself, to put me back where I belong.

He hurt me. And He used me ten different ways. He showed me something more fierce than myself. And it was amazing in every sense of the word.
Then He told me to cum.

And I couldn't. Nope, nuh huh, no way, body says "fuck you lil." Really?! Some of the most amazing sex of my life and I'm not gonna get to finish?!!! Hmmm. If I had been capable of speech I would have complained loud and long.

I guess the orgasm became important to me because I used to not be able to have them. Then at some point, the acts themselves became important because I didn't used to enjoy them.

But I think that, as with so many things in life, the steps we take on our journey are more important than the end of the road.

I accepted my need for that raw primal fierceness. Because sometimes nothing else can overpower that inner rage I cultivate to keep me in one piece.

And I realized how important those little moments of tenderness are in the midst of the battleground my body can be.
It's another one of those damn conundrum things--to be used brutally and told that I am loved all the more for it.