Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Feeling like I'm living without submission?

A while back, I felt like something in me changed. Almost like an invisible click. The difference between speaking the words and drowning in them, between a thought and an action, a concept and an experience. That is the only way I can think of describing my descent into submission. Not that it wasn't gratifying and wonderful before, but it was more of a hollow action than a fulfilling state of being. I feel like the longer we practically live in different states, the more that feeling slips away. Without it is like the difference between walking through a bad neighborhood (or my neighborhood if you want to make that distinction lol) with a really big vicious dog, or all alone and naked.
To live where we do really requires that someone be in a constant state of Dominating their surroundings. You accept that you must be willing to step outside and deal with the meth heads on your own (yea, emergency response, not one of our county's strong points), you accept that any kind of creep may come to your door at any time of the night. You accept that you are fully responsible for your own safety and well-being (not that every one isn't anyways, it just seems like some places are a bit more ummm, stressful, than others). I was used to that. I grew up here. But years with M at my side protecting me has removed that feeling of panic I get as dark starts to fall now. It's an ironic and annoyingly pathetic sensation because I am thoroughly capable of taking care of myself. I guess it still lingers with me from the things that happened when I was young. In my heart I always fear a repeat of those nights only worse.
A long time ago, we established that physical distance for extended periods of time was not good for us or our relationship. There is no place to hide from the incessant bill collectors, the fears of what nighttime might bring, the worries about the end of our lives as we know them to be. The submission that is my shell of sanity is not here for me to run to.
I am so fucking tired of being in charge around here. I feel so incredibly empty and alone it's not even laughable. I kind of wish I had friends to come and visit me lol. As anyone who may read this blog already knows, I'm not big on friends. It's not that I wouldn't like to have a few, it's just that I don't need, or want, empty, drama-filled relationships with women who will never really know who I am or even care to do so.
It was more true than I knew when I said that I didn't care where we were or what we had as long as I could rest my knees at M's feet.

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Play nice.