Wednesday, July 7, 2010

I could have been...
I realize now
that without you I would have been, a slave to my needs
broken to meet other men's means
drowning in the fire
of a broken slut free for use and abuse.
I would have lived forever inside my walls
looking out at my body as it was lost to the world
covered only by a sea of dirty pearls.
I would have spent years
sitting alone with a razor in the dark
trying to drain with my blood
the filth they left within
wondering who I could have been
and where I might have gone.
In the war of my mind
there are no neutral zones
there never was a place good enough to call home.
I would have been forever
all alone.
For the longest time I tried to wash away
the dirt of their sins
that crawled inside my mind like he used my body.
I could have been
broken by this world
a trauma junky to the core
hidden inside a used up little whore.
I would have left closed
the doors of my mind
and stayed hiding inside,
done anything to avoid really feeling this life.

I feel like...
I am alone
drowning in the deep dark hole that is
my broken soul.
I am cold
sitting in the dark
so lonely here without the magic of Your spark.
I feel like that young girl again
destroyed in the night
watching the blood spill from my skin
nothing but a slight reflection of the pain within.
I am a submissive without my submission
lost and wandering
lonely and wondering
what I will be when this world is through with me.
I am
my own guard dog
chained to the tree of my own fears
lost in the garden of these passing years.
I am
standing on the edges of sanity
looking into the abyss of psychosis
filled with my own demons.
A blight is falling
on my garden of Eden
where is that feeling of being watched over by something all-knowing and all-seeing?
Leaving me only with this painful state of being
less than I was before, not more than I could have been.
On a road without direction
no map to be my guide
lost and wandering
without You by my side.
Master it is cold inside this heart of mine
Master I am lost again, wandering in the dark
leaning on nothing but a broken heart and a dirty soul.
Master you broke into my tower
demolished the walls within which I hid
opened my mind like a lid
and made me feel kind of like a little kid.
Now I kneel alone here in the pile of rubble that was my shell from the world
as strangers walk by snickering in the dark
no protecting spark
to light my way.
Master may I have my walls back
to keep out this big world full of fear, pain, and tears.
Something else to keep me sane throughout the years.
Master perhaps I should not have given what You have taken
for without You I am now useless
a mere shell of who I am and should have been.
Master please
save me from myself
take me once again from my inner Hell.
Master please
I can't do this anymore.
Owned yet alone
looking at this mess we call home
staring at the rubble of my walls with nowhere to hide
from the nagging little demons inside.
Master won't you please
come back and stay with me.

I am...
I could have never been
another man's wife
I would have never known what this experience we call love really is.
The feeling of Your love is like being part of an incredible storm
washing me clean from within, always knowing I am the safest I have ever been
the bite of Your whip on my flesh
as we ride in this space, the sensation of Your hands gripping my throat as You make me admit my most dirty fantasies.
And still You love me. At those moments where it feels like we occupy the same space and time, the closest two beings could ever get, You know me more completely than I know myself.
By owning me, loving me, making me Your whore, and the queen at Your feet, You have made me whole.
As you force me to my knees, making me beg--Master please, You complete me and cleanse my soul.
Everything I am belongs to You.
I love You.

1 comment:

  1. Nice writing.... a lot of emotion and feeling... thank you for sharing.


Play nice.