Sunday, August 8, 2010

Upside down and inside out

I have to say, the last month of my life has been a rollercoaster ride towards hell and it's just not coming back up the other side anytime soon. Our move fell though and no one wants to pay M the money they owe, which has left us in a terrible monetary situation. I started working 40 hours a week since M doesn't have work for the first time in ten years. It wasn't working for M so I'm cutting back to 24 hours a week. I'm not bringing in enough money to pay the bills and it's kind of depressing working in a caretaker poisition and cleaning someone else's house. I realised that my joy in a neat house comes from my expectations that M will enjoy it. Without that, not even the monetary reward of getting payed to do it brings that much satisfaction (okay, if I was actuaslly making enough money to pay the bills, it would probably be more satisfying lol). We are still keeping our eyes out for a house, but we have to much debt to qualify for a loan right now and recent events unrelated to our move have made us decide that we are definately staying here for a bit longer, probably until mid-winter or spring.
My father is dying. He's been ill for a long time, but now the downward spiral just keeps on getting worse. He refuses to go to the hospital which, while I kind of wish he would, I am not surprised about. I knew he wouldn't choose to die any different than he lived. I don't know if it will be a few months or weeks, not having a medical perspective to go on. It's incredibly painful to see him in so much pain with my mom disintigrating beside him. It's all really fucking with me. Between being out in the world working (something I am not used to at all), my fathers illness, and M's health issues, I feel like my life is disintigrating around me. I have developed this overwhelming fear of not having M in my life. We have been together since I was 15, being owned completely and facing a death close to me, the thought of possibly ever losing M, my owner, my lover, my husband, my Master, my life, is eating me up. When I was a kid, my father was my best friend. Whenever I was sick and woke up at night, he was always awake reading and watching over me. For the last 12 years, M has been my best friend in the whole world on every level and I couldn't live without Him. Life just seems like to much to handle sometimes.
Last night after M used me, I cried. Not the a few tears well up quietly cried, outright sobbing. M just held me and told me to let it out. Then He said He may know me better than I know myself, but He doesn't always understand me. I think it was just the release of orgasm and being in space making me let go of my pent up emotions and fears.
Life has been so sad lately. In a way, anger is what holds me together, without it I feel like I'm a mess. I have plenty of it I guess lol. Getting screwed over on both a friendship and monetary level to the extent we did, makes me mad. Our so called friends rounded it off by going to my parents where my father is obviously dying on the couch and my mom is a mess and basically stole a 3,000 dollar car from them. I bitch a lot, but when it comes right down to the wire, I generally back off and cool my shit. This time, I think it's a good thing they moved like we were supposed to. I have witnessed umm, I'll call them revelation moments, that change someones life in a big way and usually seems to involve the offending party with a gun to their head. I have never been on the giving end, but this time I really thought about it. If M wasn't a more stable person than I, it might have really happened.
I miss feeling stable. I feel like the world as I knew it has turned upside down and inside out.

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