Sunday, September 6, 2015

The Date of My Last Post Labeled M/s

April 24th, 2014.
April 24th, 2014 was the date of my last post labeled "M/s".

Sometimes I feel like a part of me died when we started this new life. Most times I just don't have the time to notice that it's gone. Then I'll catch a glimpse of a picture...Trees on a mountain or a woman on her knees. And I remember...That I once was something, and now I am something else.

The outside world seems to appreciate this woman, this something else. The woman who opens the doors in the morning and manages things day in and day out. The woman who never submits, never needs, is not made of the wind in the trees. The woman who writes reviews, chases employees with paperwork, and tells corporate presidents what she does and does not like about their products, all the while knowing that her yes or no determines the sale.

I don't mind her really, this person I have become.
I look at my husband, and I remember when he once was something else. When the world didn't weigh him down so very much, when there was energy and time for dominance and something else.

Our position here is precarious. It is based upon the whims of fortune, our ability to manage the improbable, our drive to get up and put out more each and every day.


We lived in one place for a very long time. Our place. And now we live in someone elses place, in what seems to be in an entirely different world.
Our lease is up next month, and if we cannot renew, we have to find another house and move. I'd be lying if I said this didn't freak me out. It's one thing to search for housing from the comfort and safety of what is yours, it's another thing completely to search from the place of nothing to fall back on. I've been looking...And I can't find anything.

April 24th, 2014 was the date of my last post labeled "M/s".

He reminded me yesterday that I am his and always have been. I was so busy telling him that part of me died when we left everything we knew, everything I was, behind...I almost missed that little flutter...That sense of magic and mystery, the sensation which comes only with the feeling of being owned...

The truth is, I have become M/s lazy. Relationship lazy even. We both have. While it inevitably lives on under the skin, like a whisper in the wind, D/s, M/s, power exchange, relationships, they take time and effort to sustain. They require feeding and regular maintenance. And the rest of the truth is, anything we have leftover at the end of the day is desperately given to our kids in an attempt to not let them fall through the cracks of this craziness we call life.


There's an itch under my skin. An itch for the wind in the trees, a moment where all I know, see, feel, and breath, is life on my knees. But my mind won't let me rest, won't let go of the continuous test of daily operations.
Somehow, somewhere along the way, my mind became my master. And somehow, somewhere inside, that is my disaster.

April 24th, 2014.
April 24th, 2014 was the date of my last post labeled "M/s".

20 comments:

  1. Hugs lil. Sounds like you are holding it together though.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. dancingbarez,
      holding something together! lol.

      Hugs back atcha.

      Delete
  2. (((hugs))) Lil, "I don't mind her really, this person I have become". I'm glad to hear that, and that Alpha is still reminding you every now and then. Hold on to those moments. Wishing you the best with the house hunt.

    Roz

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Roz,
      They go by so fast...
      Thank you!

      Delete
  3. Many hugs lil. Ditto what Roz commented above. Life takes many turns and you're much too strong a person not to roll with them without losing yourself. There's a saying that if you're brought to it, you'll be brought through it.

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    Replies
    1. sunnygirl,
      Guess it just feels like I've never been so far away from everything that is me!

      Hugs back atcha, and thank you!

      Delete
  4. Our minds can be so unfair...

    Forget the date, it's just a date, not an omen.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Misty,
      can't they though?

      I'll try!

      Delete
  5. ^Yeah^.
    I forget labels exist half the time...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Bleu,
      I used to think the labels were fun! Then I realized that I only used the same three over and over again. Lol

      Delete
  6. Oh hugs lil, wish there was something that could easily repaired -- one thing mouse has noticed just when you think the M/s flame has gone out completely, it suddenly reignites and will burn brightly again.

    Hugs,
    mouse

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Mouse,
      I need somethin to start burning! Besides the stove, apparently. Lol

      Hugs*

      Delete
  7. Hugs.....you never know where life will lead you...hopefully soon yours will lead you to more kneeling time...
    hugs abby

    ReplyDelete
  8. I'll be over later with the chocolate...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Jz,
      how to you feel about margaritas with your chocolate?

      Delete
  9. just (((hugs))) hope life becomes more what you want it to be soon x

    ReplyDelete
  10. "The truth is, I have become M/s lazy. Relationship lazy even. We both have. While it inevitably lives on under the skin, like a whisper in the wind, D/s, M/s, power exchange, relationships, they take time and effort to sustain. They require feeding and regular maintenance. And the rest of the truth is, anything we have leftover at the end of the day is desperately given to our kids in an attempt to not let them fall through the cracks of this craziness we call life."

    You put this into words beautifully. Q and I are going through much of the same. I wish I had some useful advice or something but truth be told, I'm not sure what, if anything to do about it either. All I know is I wish you the best of luck finding what you want and need.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Tamar,
      It's not easy, is it? If you find he magical answer, let me know! And best of luck to you too. Sometimes all we can do is hang on to the ride for another day I guess...

      Delete

Play nice.