Saturday, November 26, 2016

Cyanide Queen

She cried until she had nothing left
Until there was only cyanide inside, somewhere once a sense of pride
Bought tickets to a ride
But the devil’s in the details, because when you buy the ticket
Someone else controls the gates of the carnival.

Empty maybe
But there’s something left inside
She’s made of cyanide and broken pride
Drained dreams busting at the fucking seams
She is me, now the cyanide queen
No respite on her knees, no more dreams of being free.

She is the cyanide that binds to your enzymes
Destroying all of your rhythm and rhyme
She is cyanide, she is me, she is my “what I have grown to be”.

Tears of acid rain
Let them fall—maybe they’ll sooth your pain
I’m the quiet one at the table
All the lost and quite a bit unstable
A lot silent, a little bit violent
Cyanide boiling up inside
Pick a moment, a person, any volunteering victim
She’s quiet but she’s a little bit violent in her silence.

Cyanide queen falling apart at the seams
I’ll melt a hole in your fucking soul
Until you think you need me, say “You complete me”
Maybe the acid rain will sooth your pain
White-tipped eyelashes, taste the salt of broken things
Because the devil’s in the details
And honey, you chose to take a walk in those heels.

They all watched me, the cyanide queen--Satan’s little angel
And my fall from grace, no attempting to save face
Such was never my place
But clearly I’ll have descended straight to hell.

I am the dust of all the stars I was once made of
I am your broken dreams, the cyanide hiding inside
The darkness in your silence, your secret violence
Your filthiest fantasy
The acid rain falling softly on your soul
And somehow still I’ll make you think that you need me to make you whole.

They clipped my wings and watched my fall from grace
Expecting me to make some attempt to once again rise
But I’m sitting here in hell
Got my own seat at the devil’s table
You’re welcome to come on down if you are willing and able.

Think I’ll sit back and put on the matching heels
Settle in and maybe make a deal
The devil’s in the details
The cyanide queen is sitting here on her knees
Dearest devil, do you need another ruler in your kingdom?
A vicious little bitch to brand?
Maybe another left hand?
Or maybe I’ll just take your fucking throne and rule alone.

There shall be no phoenix rising from these ashes
The darkness has become my storm
This is my fucking reborn
I am the ashes, the empty space between breaths
I am
That painful ache in your chest.

Cyanide, she is part of my norm
And when your heart is battered and torn
I’ll be there with my cyanide soul and my acid tears
To melt away your fears
I come not bearing comfort
For I am the passion in the darkness you hide within
The skeleton in your closet of all that you have ever lost
The one who holds all of your secret sins
I am the joy found in pain and the compounds of acid rain
Your pleasure found in pain.

They all watched my descent from grace, kept my wings and tried to save face
I got myself a seat at the devils table now
I am the forbidden fruit on the plate
Your secret hate
So I got myself a seat at the devil’s table
With my cyanide heart, I figure it’s a pretty good start
I’ll be every ride in his fucking playground
When the last angel has fallen
And all that you love has gone on

Look for me and perhaps that is where I’ll be found.

12 comments:

  1. Please forgive me if I don't understand, but lately your writings are filled with nothing but pain. There is no requirement that you stay in that place. Have you thought about getting out of there and making a fresh start? Are you depressed? Have you talked to anyone?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ksst,
      I have been nothing but cryptic and sporadically angsty here for some time, so no forgiveness needed!
      Can't go home right now. Yea, I am rather depressed, have talked to someone (not a therapist), and it did help quite a bit. The shit just keeps hitting the fan lol.
      That girl fucked us up. Really fucked us up. And life is a mess. And we're working on it.
      I appreciate you!

      Delete
  2. Damn, hate that you are hurting, marveling at how you are using the words. Heaps of love my friend.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I appreciate you Bleue. I really do. Miss talking to you, and I know that's my own bad.

      Heaps of love back at you.

      Delete
  3. Spewing is cathartic - keep getting it out until it's gone from your system.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you, sunnygirl! I intend to.

      Delete
  4. Lil, I hate that you are hurting so much and hope that writing and getting it out there helps, at least in some small way.

    Hugs
    Roz

    ReplyDelete
  5. As you rid yourself of the toxins, Lil...please make sure you fill yourself up with healthy and positive thoughts.

    Hugs and blessings...Cat

    ReplyDelete
  6. I was tippytoing around this but I agree with ksst - you guys need to get the hell out of there. I know that can't happen immediately but I think it needs to become a major part of the plan...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The plan is not to stay forever...It's less than great here to be sure!

      Delete

Play nice.