A long time ago, he agreed not to read through my drafts folder. It was important to me, and I appreciated that. Being able to have unformed thoughts of my own, let them sit and refine them, or just forget them...He forgot that agreement, and made a new one--he now reads through my drafts on a regular basis. I think.
I learned this when he said something about one of them. It wasn't unkind, or critical, light teasing really...And kaput. I haven't made it past the beginning of a draft since. Honestly, I'm really not sure what happened with me there...
It is not a nice feeling when the words to give that voice form will not come. Clearly, I've been there a lot over the course of the last two years.
The truth? The truth is, I'm scared. No, that's the relative truth. The absolute truth is that I'm fucking terrified because I have never seen or experienced Alpha like this before. And I've been hanging in there for a while, but I feel like I'm in quicksand, and all I have left sticking out at this point is my fingertips.
The truth? The truth is, I am no longer clean. Before ttwd, I spent years trying to scrub my own skin off just to get that feeling of cleanliness within my being. Alpha and ttwd accomplished it for me.
That feeling, that particular sensation of being, is gone.
I look at the skin on my arms and contemplate the edge of the knife much as I once did, I just know Alpha will be terribly disappointed and beat my ass, so I don't do anything to feed the desire to draw my own blood. I stand under the shower head, water beyond the edge of comfort, before the edge of burn, trying to scrub my soul clean from the outside in. Even though I am well aware from experience, that it is not going to do a damn thing.
There can be a purity in the darkness. Or it can be...Just the sewage of a broken soul. I miss the purity in our darkness, and I am so fucking over drowning in the sewage of her twisted soul. And I'm fucking lost. For a while, after I screwed everything up, when it was too late, I tried to maintain a light within the darkness. But I feel like it ate me, All of the unclean things from past, present, and future, fucking her, collided in my soul one day. It was an innocuous moment, one I did not even notice until I felt that old familiar feeling of a filthy soul, and realized that I was no longer what I had tried so hard to be.
He doesn't know it, and probably wouldn't believe it, but that is one of the gifts Omega gives us when we feel him--that purity in the darkness, which we once so strongly possessed. And the sad thing is, that kind of filthy that she tried so hard to imprint on us, is like an STD--it will fuck you up, and if you're lucky, a round of antibiotics will make it go away, if not, you got lifelong, life threatening shit that you can pass along to anyone you are with in the future. It can be with you forever. I'll drain my veins and set my fucking soul on fire before I let that stay with us forever, before I'll spread it to another.
There was a time it meant more to me than anything, that feeling of cleanliness. And even now...Fuck, for so long, it's all I ever wanted, and I had it...And I let in the creature that tainted it.
I'm not a great person. Yea, I like to think that I'm a pretty good person, but I'm not that good...If she was on the side of the road dying, I would keep on driving by. I should be saying that out of anger, all worked up and pissed off--that would make such a statement okay. Because that's the kind of thing people say about each other after they break up, but if it was put to the test, they'd stop anyways. But I'm not. And I would not.
Thing is, I'm not really that good. I do genuinely mean it, with or without active feelings of angst towards her.
For a total stranger? Sure, I'd stop the car, throw on a pair of gloves, and do my best to save their fucking life. Because life is precious, and no one ever wants to look back and say that they allowed another soul to slip away simply becuase they could not be bothered to try.
For her? No. Her life, her sewage drenched soul, her vampire heart...Just. No. Never In any way, shape, or form. No matter what. As terrible as it sounds, I would feel no remorse. And I'm okay with what that says about me as a human being. I know it's not pretty.
Clean...Some people grow up wanting to be rich, or successful, or happy, or I don'tfuckingknowwhat when they finally grow the fuck up, But me? I just wanted to be clean. That's it. My life's goal was to wash the filth off my soul. Scrub the dirt out of my fucking being...The sick shit older men left me with, everything that stained me. And we accomplished it. And it was fucking beautiful. And I fucking miss it.
She sullied us and our connection in a way that I cannot put into words. But us , ttwd, I think that perhaps this time it will not scrub away the stains. And it was the only thing I found that ever could.