Tuesday, December 13, 2016

Expansions in Perception

Alright, I decided to stop being such a selfish bitch and set my posts so one can actually read them--that white font on black is bullshit. I know it.

Time to snap out of the shit. There was a day when I wrote things that people like Omega found useful, and perhaps inspired shared insights from people like him, which expanded my concepts and thought processes. It's been a while...

Somewhat as expected, that last post was avoided like the plague while most of you likely sat there scratching your heads wondering if I had really finally gone off the deep end for good (though I must say, Jz's response was absolutely priceless).
The concept of "In love" is tainted by Hallmark cards and our belief of the definition's limitations. For me, in love is very much about, D/s yes, but also the simple fact that one truly places the well-being of another above their own.
I know my last post was...Seemingly entirely out of tune with the blog's recent and not so recent history. In all fairness, the beauty of poetry is that every reader can be allowed to think it is about them, see it in themselves, or interpret in whatever way it strikes them personally. The deepest mention here previously was an expression of how far I had fallen, a warning the poor man was never given.
The universe brought us El Mundo Bueno, and El Mundo Malo We fell off the bad side into her, but the good one never left us and we've set ourselves back on the other side of that line.
Omega goes beyond the concept of poly, and he has a girl whom he believes to be his One. Even should she turn out not to be, he is undoubtedly deserving of having One who puts him above all else (he will have that, and we will do anything for her because she will be his).
He is someone we have let into the deepest parts of our lives, someone we have a spiritual connection with, a member of our family. He honestly knows us more deeply than anyone in our lives ever has. And we are one hell of a team out in the world.
We both trust him implicitly, which was previously unheard of outside of our trust for each other. It is inevitable that someone so deeply important to our lives and so prominently featuring in our existence would play a role here and need to be defined by name.

Moving on to newly and un-regularly scheduled programming...

As humans, we have a tendency to allow our world, or at least our perception of it, to narrow. Even within expansion. For instance, when we came out here, the world grew. A lot. But my perception never really let me see beyond the entrance to work (arriving and leaving in the dark helps).

I realized recently that I have somehow managed to maintain a fairly narrow view of submission over the years. The narrow focus of my perception blocked my acceptance and realization of the depths and extents of submission in my being. It has also previously not allowed me to comprehend the amount of psychological conditioning which has occurred over the years, and how deep that conditioning really goes.

When you combine the years of conditioning with energetic based experiences, everything is multiplied. So fucking much is never about touch, and often has a deeper impact than what we see in the moment.
While I say that Omega declined the offer, the truth is--he tabled the physical offer, but we have actually spent a lot of time playing around in that space. He's been present for a lot of mental reconditioning, and the energetic exchange was inevitable for the three of us in those circumstances. In reality, that is the most defining and deep aspects of ttwd--there is so much beyond actual touch...
His presence has contributed in no small way to my increased perception of the conditioning already there. Simply having those previously outside eyes looking in, and experiencing feelings and mental sensations related to somebody beyond Alpha reminded me of the rather extreme intensity of this dynamic.


  1. Ok, so- I've been reading your blog for...a long time now and I will admit to being totally lost about what you've been writing about for the last several months. The best I can tell- you and your partner tried poly with another girl, she was a shebeast that broke you and your partner up and damaged your relationship, and then there's also another guy that your partner is dating, who you also fell for but he's not interested in you, only your partner? Anyway, that's about what I've gotten from it. Regardless of being clueless about your situation, I wish you well and hope you come out of it all ok.

    1. Tamar,
      yea, when the writer is totally lost, it only seems fair that the reading isn't any clearer lol. Right about the girl--apparently I have psychotic taste in women. She fucked us up pretty good, but life goes on.

      The guy...Nope--Omega is very close to us and important to our lives. The only sexual aspect around any part of his relationship with Alpha would be based around their domination of me, not a relationship with each other other than trust and brotherhood. Alpha and him are both dominant, and and function as an incredibly strong team in many arenas. Omega has his own girl, which is one of the reasons nothing physical has happened.

    2. This is where I was, too. Trying to piece it together, but not sure what to say, not being sure what was going on. Though it does seem abrupt, maybe writing about Omega is something you need to pull yourself up and out of the mire she created here. That even if he declined such an offer, he isn't going to destroy you and what you and Alpha have.

    3. Lea,
      Yes--this kind of writing does seem to help me drag myself out of the mess. And yes again--our destruction would be the ultimate fail in his mind. For him, us as a solid couple is very important, and that is no small part of what makes him so special to us both,

  2. Lil,

    You know, SO hard sometimes to come and comment after Jz...coz she just gets it. She is awesome.
    And I wanted to comment about those wondrous energetic exchanges in this newness of yours, but didn't have the words, and I wanted to tell you I am nodding along on the selfless service and how service truly takes on a different spin when you feel it down in your cells what's it all about points, but your previous post left me **so heart happy** for you and at the same time aching with empathy of all that had to collapse in getting it. But man, so heart-happy for you! That kind of loyalty and the being that has it to offer is such a rarity.
    Love and light my friend.

    1. Bleu,
      it can be challenging to show up and comment right after she's been somewhere, right? Sometimes I feel like I should just go around saying "what she said". I love it lol.

      I love that you Get it. And yes, he truly is a rarity on this earth.

      Love and light back to you lovely one.

  3. Okay this is starting to make sense to me. Perhaps I need colour coding or something, because I was a bit lost... regardless of my inability to navigate your posts, I wish you the best and hope you can move away from the dark places you've been visiting recently.

    1. DelFonte,
      I've been so lost, it's a wonder my words are even typing out in English lol.

      We are stepping out of the dark. Inevitably, all of the demons won't stay behind, but we'll deal with the vicious little fuckers as they arise.

  4. I am also in the very confused group. But thank you for this explanation, it helped a lot. There are probably some things I'm still getting wrong about my ideas of your life.

    You and Alpha were both in love with the other woman? Or just you? or just feelings of lust/whatever that were not love?

    1. ksst,
      count me in the confused group too lol.
      Started just me, then both of us. Love yes...But not in the genuine sense of the word. Somehow something really twisted and fucked up...Haven't found the right words for it yet I guess.

  5. Navigation wasn't always easy and I admit to losing my way several times but I'm happy to see your tone seems to be lighter now and that's what makes me happy.

    1. sunnygirl,
      I do appreciate you hanging on through all the confusing twists and turns!
      Feels good to see the light again. It really does...

  6. Add another to the lost group; i've missed being able to follow your story. These last couple of posts, where you talk about Omega and Alpha, you sound clean, bright, fresh. i know it's a long road from the pain, the devastation, but you'll all make it together. So glad you've found a way through the deepest part of the valley. So very glad.

    1. honorinsurrender,
      yea...In all fairness, I can't ever remember being this lost myself, so...

      I am glad too. Thank you for caring enough to be glad with me.


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