Focus in The Rabbit Hole

I have 44 drafts right now. Forty-fucking-four...

I am lacking focus. We are both lacking in focus lately...

A great deal of submission is about surrender, letting go...And a great deal of it is focus.

Alpha isn't much one for ropes and chains, not often anyways. Mental bondage is much more his thing.
If one is tied, then one must obey and stay. If one is told to hold position...It is the mental binding which keeps them in place--one makes the choice to make oneself remain no matter what, because that is what they have been told to do. And their instilled inner compulsion requires that they obey the command. To him, that exercise in control is far more rewarding.

It takes a lot of focus, on both sides, for a word to hold as tightly as any binding. I have found the struggle against physical bonds to be deliciously freeing--the option of movement, even if that movement is just a futile attempt...It's easier.

The stillness of being on one's knees...Focused surrender. The peace of surrender is slightly more difficult to achieve when focus is lacking.

Focus on him
focus on the moment
focus on stillness
focus on the space.

Focus on letting go
focus on surrender.

Letting go is about releasing everything outside in that moment--the only thing left is what he chooses to allow, letting go of the rope that maintains one's hold on everything outside of the rabbit hole. Surrender is yielding to him, letting him all the way in, falling down the rabbit hole without resistance...

I'm having a hell of a hard time letting go these days, and I reach a certain point of surrender and balk...I begin attempting to halt my descent down the rabbit hole by clawing at the walls as I fall...Trying to break the descent with bleeding fingers because I'm afraid of crashing to pieces at the bottom perhaps?

I need to understand why I am afraid to let go of the rope, to surrender as I once did...Because my commitment to doing so has been tested repeatedly lately in ways I had never really understood it could be, and has not failed. Yet, there's been this inner....

There has been a lot of focus on serving lately, and random moments of extreme D/s...Dunno really, moments of extremes and very little consistent in-betweens?

I am afraid to fall down the rabbit hole, but I tumbled over the edge long ago. There is no scrambling back up to the top to end the descent. Perhaps one simply falls forever, perhaps there are strange and wonderful things to explore at the bottom, perhaps one eventually hits rocks and breaks into a thousand pieces.

I don't know...

It most certainly does.Quite a bit extra, in fact...