Sunday, January 22, 2017

Lonely...

I know that I have comments to respond to. I have not forgotten you, I appreciate you, and I will reply.

Alpha has tasked me with finding a toy/mistress/someone else...

And how this works when one's limits are not their own, we are discovering...

Yea...That really is all I'm gonna say about that one at the moment. Just needed to put it in print I guess.

I'm lonely. I've spent a good deal of my life alone, but this lonely is new. The truth is, at home, I was never actually alone. I cannot put words to those mountains and the magic and spirit which resides within them at the moment...

But I am lonely. Often I go into our room and sit on my knees in front of him...Yea, I'm looking for attention, I no longer care to dissect how my motivation for things is less than ideal--he spends that time on his phone or the computer anyways.
He is working primarily in a different state, only coming home a few nights a week, and I try not to leave the house. His primary focuses are work, sex, and other women--preferably ones with long term possibilities who want and enjoy sex as much as he does.


Before anyone who doesn't know me better gets going, making friends is not a solution--I am absolutely not in the least little bit interested in bringing anyone new into my life at all under any circumstances. I don't want friends, and I didn't really have them back at home.
I don't like people and they don't much like me either. The truth is, I really am a mouthy bitch with a crappy attitude, and I simply do not care to moderate my responses in an attempt to make myself halfway palatable any more.

Lonely kind of sucks. And sometimes life occurrences/circumstances, exacerbate the sense of loneliness.

So why whine if I have no desire or intention of trying to find people who might dissipate the loneliness? Maybe because the knowledge itself of people knowing how I feel eases the lonely just a little. Maybe because I actually think that I'm not whining, just expressing how I feel at the moment. Maybe because, who the fuck knows?

We had an argument the day before yesterday. He needed to go out of state for work and decided to spend the night so that he could get more done. I said a storm was coming and I wished he wouldn't because I wouldn't see him before Monday or Tuesday. He assured me that he would be able to make it home.
Today, I showered, shaved, moisturized, painted my nails, and contemplated his suggestion of a new hair color which happens to match that of a girl he has a thing for.
Not surprisingly, given the weather forecast, the road was closed tonight. He offered to come home via an alternate route, but this isn't our first time on the merry-go-round--getting home at one am means he's home for a day, asleep, then heads back out the next day. We agreed that he might as well just stay where he was.

It's lonely here...

Sometimes I wish that he'd just scoop me up for coffee, or to go sit on a rock, or go for a drive and stare at the sunset...Then I realize that I wouldn't be happy with that anyways because I'm never happy with anything and he'd just spend that time on his phone regardless...

I have always been conscious of feeling critical of him in these pages. Beyond that it's against my fiber to publicly critique my owner, I have always disliked women who wander around bitching about the men they married.
The truth as we are now, is that I'm a shitty sub with a drinking problem, he's far less interested in me than he himself wants to believe or admit, not winning any dominant awards; and we each seem to feel like we put out more effort than the other.


It's lonely here...

8 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry Lil, lonely sucks. Sending huge ((hugs))

    Roz

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you Roz. Really and truly.

      Hugs back

      Delete
  2. Lonely more than "kind of" sucks.
    Way more than.

    big ol' bump

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Jz,
      It really fucking does.

      big ol' bump back

      Delete
  3. Sorry Babe. Do what you have to do to get your life back - what worked before to get his attention might very well work again. Do it, if that's what you want. If not, move on.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. sunnygirl,
      this made me think...Wtf did I do before...? Thank you for making me think.

      Delete
  4. I've been asking myself "why blog?" and I think (at least in part) it's about being heard...about people listening to me because they 'want' to, not because they 'have' to.

    And when life consistently insists on throwing disappointments in one's face... I think 'being heard' becomes more about survival than anything else.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Misty,
      Yesssss--listening because they want to...

      Glorious survival, yea...Wtf is with life and it's cranky shit anyways?? Lol.

      Delete

Play nice.