Wednesday, February 1, 2017

Feel You

I worship you only in midnight’s temple
I feel you
Only in the moonlit garden of my mind
As through my dreams you unknowingly sweep
Softly touching upon things that cannot be.

And I only feel you
Making me wonder, are these delusions in my mind,
Teasing me with things you don’t feel,
Sensations that aren’t real
Knowing full well the deal
That they could never be.

Sometimes I think I’m fucking crazy.
As I watch you wander through my mind and things go hazy
Then comes the light of day
And you push gently
Oh so far away.

Close me out
Make me doubt
Because I only feel you
Perhaps I’m crazy, or maybe insane
Perhaps my vision and magic got lost in all the pain
I noted that, oddly enough, you never doubted that I made it rain.

Why didn’t you question
Why didn’t you run away?

We are strangely predictable
You and I
So carefully you maintain the wall between us
Often paper thin, yet softly unyielding in its prophylactic film
Yet there are those random moments
Wherein I look up and it’s gone
When there is nothing filling the space between.

And those moments, they’re fucking beautiful
They haunt me, no matter how much I try to push them back, they remind me
Of those things that shall never be
Yet a second after they’re over…
I know that my head shall never rest upon your shoulder
And the guilt sets in
Because I know
That you’ll pull away
An inevitable repercussion of your wall’s little slip
And because I know, that I shouldn’t feel as I do
That spark between me and you
As I am his
Destined to love and serve
Always on my knees
Eternally at his feet.

And I’m suddenly sorry
For that moment when our fingers touched,
And my eyes met yours
No walls, no space between, nothing besides you and I
For that beautiful millisecond.
Because, inevitably, I know that you are then going to step away
Make a space
And for me there is no grace
For I’ll remain always 
In my place on my knees in front of him
Wondering why I dream of your face
Wondering if my inner guide has somehow died,
Leaving me with only delusions
Of feeling you.
Wondering if anything I see is actually true
In a world filled with shades of blue.

And in the end
All I can say is that I’m sorry
So fucking sorry
To you
To him
To you both
More than my words can ever express
For my state of mental undress
Because I tried to cover it
Tried to drown it
Attempted desperately to remind myself that it wasn’t valid.

And so I sit
In the midnight garden of my own mind
Feeling crazy outside of time
I’ll always be his
And you’ll never be mine
So there is no rhythm and rhyme.
After those moments, when you let the wall down completely,
Those seconds of excess feeling
I am guilty because of how lovely and comfortable you feel.
And I’m sorry
Because I know that you’ll pull further away
Each and every time.

It’s funny, you know,
I am under no illusions that you’re an asshole too
You have all of that within you
Easier to accept in someone who does not own me
But I do know
All of those things you can be
And I don’t think that you completely believed me
When I offered you a home
 In acceptance beyond anything you have ever known
The definition of my cover blown

And I’m sorry
That I felt the call of, not only his, but your
Echoing through infinity.
For you are both
Far more beautiful souls

Than either of you could ever know.


  1. Wow, your poetry is so amazing Lil, so glad you are writing again.



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