Feel You

I worship you only in midnight’s temple

I feel you

Only in the moonlit garden of my mind

As through my dreams you unknowingly sweep

Softly touching upon things that cannot be.

And I only feel you

Only

Feel

Making me wonder, are these delusions in my mind,

Teasing me with things you don’t feel,

Sensations that aren’t real

Knowing full well the deal

That they could never be.

Sometimes I think I’m fucking crazy.

As I watch you wander through my mind and things go hazy

Then comes the light of day

And you push gently

Oh so far away.

Close me out

Make me doubt

Because I only feel you

Perhaps I’m crazy, or maybe insane

Perhaps my vision and magic got lost in all the pain

I noted that, oddly enough, you never doubted that I made it rain.

Why didn’t you question

Why didn’t you run away?

We are strangely predictable

You and I

So carefully you maintain the wall between us

Often paper thin, yet softly unyielding in its prophylactic film

Yet there are those random moments

Wherein I look up and it’s gone

When there is nothing filling the space between.

And those moments, they’re fucking beautiful

They haunt me, no matter how much I try to push them back, they remind me

Of those things that shall never be

Yet a second after they’re over…

I know that my head shall never rest upon your shoulder

And the guilt sets in

Because I know

That you’ll pull away

An inevitable repercussion of your wall’s little slip

And because I know, that I shouldn’t feel as I do

That spark between me and you

As I am his

Destined to love and serve

Always on my knees

Eternally at his feet.

And I’m suddenly sorry

For that moment when our fingers touched,

And my eyes met yours

No walls, no space between, nothing besides you and I

For that beautiful millisecond.

Because, inevitably, I know that you are then going to step away

Make a space

And for me there is no grace

For I’ll remain always 

In my place on my knees in front of him

Wondering why I dream of your face

Wondering if my inner guide has somehow died,

Leaving me with only delusions

Of feeling you.

Wondering if anything I see is actually true

In a world filled with shades of blue.

And in the end

All I can say is that I’m sorry

So fucking sorry

To you

To him

To you both

More than my words can ever express

For my state of mental undress

Because I tried to cover it

Tried to drown it

Attempted desperately to remind myself that it wasn’t valid.

And so I sit

In the midnight garden of my own mind

Feeling crazy outside of time

I’ll always be his

And you’ll never be mine

So there is no rhythm and rhyme.

After those moments, when you let the wall down completely,

Those seconds of excess feeling

You.

I am guilty because of how lovely and comfortable you feel.

And I’m sorry

Because I know that you’ll pull further away

Each and every time.

It’s funny, you know,

I am under no illusions that you’re an asshole too

You have all of that within you

Easier to accept in someone who does not own me

But I do know

All of those things you can be

And I don’t think that you completely believed me

When I offered you a home

 In acceptance beyond anything you have ever known

The definition of my cover blown

And I’m sorry

That I felt the call of, not only his, but your

Divinity

Echoing through infinity.

For you are both

Far more beautiful souls

Than either of you could ever know.