Power versus force and surrender versus submission

Sometimes i struggle with submitting and it takes a certain amount of force from M to make it happen. i try really hard not to be like that. It most often occurs when i'm feeling lazy and just don't want to do something. i would be lying to myself if i said i always succeeded in not being that way. Thinking about that got me to pondering on power versus force and surrender versus submission. i suppose those things could all be heaped into one meaning, but i see them as separate entities of their own with different meanings. To me, submitting is giving into something/someone, letting it happen. Surrender is falling to ones knees and offering--do as you please. Force is when M makes me do something--power is when His look or motion alone makes me do what He wants just to please. Force gets submission, power incurs surrender.
One is not nessessarily better than the other. Being the object force is directed at can be quite enjoyable and i love submitting. For me they bring different feelings, sensations, and emotions. i could be quite wrong here and the only differences are in how i perceive things day to day; moment to moment...
i had a really clear thought form going for a minute...i'll probably just have to add to this later lol

mother*&%$#@@#$%!!!!

An hour ago i was in a pretty damn good mood. Sure, we're broke, and the people who owe us money aren't paying up, but we have been spending a hell of a lot more time together which is all i really truly want from life. But for fucks sake, enough is enough! My washing machine apears to be broken. I have 2 and 7 year old boys and a pile of dirty laundry that doubles in size each day it's not washed. I value my damn washing machine and i want it to work damnit! Ironically, i found the manual while searching for something else last week. Can i find it now? Oh hell no, of course not. i can't even figure out wtf the "OE" on the display means. Just kill me with my own dirty laundry now lol.
Oh yea, and i had one razor left to shave with and it's now wedged between the back of the dresser and the file cabinet.
Crap.

Personals ad

Okay, before i get going here, i am sure that my sense of humor will not go over well with some, in which case flame away lol. Just keep in mind that chances are, any Dom or sub who actually practices what they preach and has spent too much time perusing the personals on Fetlife (i gotta take a break, it's making me cynical lol), is likely to understand where i'm coming from here even if they don't agree with my approach.

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19 year old master seeking slave for RL TPE:
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Uhhhh, i have no labels for this. Would it be taking things to far to post this on Fetlife?

Fantasies i try not to share with myself...

Talking with myself yesterday about my issues brought up another issue. Well, not so much an issue as a fantasy that's probably a really bad idea to play out because of my past. As much of an eye as M keeps on my mental health, i'm not even sure He would do it. Rape scenes fascinate me. Weirdly enough, i do have fantasies about rape but they all involve M saving me. That one as an acted out fantasy would be a disaster lol. It would be like signing some poor man up for execution.
By all rights, i should have no interest or curiosity in acting out rape fantasies of any kind. The thought itself should have me curled up in a ball...Yet it's there. I think it's the one fantasy i may have never shared with M (until He reads this lol). i'm not sure why i have kept this one to myself. i bury it so far down that it doesn't even occur to me when i'm in space and He's making Him share my fantasies. i mean, i have told Him of far dirtier and twisted fantasies so why is this one different? It's not because it's taboo, i mean, it's taboo to admit i'm enough of a whore that i have the fantasy of a group of men cumming all over me (yea, that one was hard to admit). Yet, at the same time, not all fantasies were meant to become reality. Just because i have a fantasy of being used by two men at once, doesn't mean i could physically or emotionally handle it. M is my gage of what i can and cannot cope with. And i'll admit, it's probably a shitty job to have. i appreciate that M is careful with my mind and heart; even when it comes to His own fantasies. He wants to play with another woman and He wants me to find her; however, He questions my ability to cope with it. He decided that it would be best to start online--i find Him someone to play with and then possibly move the fantasy to real life. i'm falling on my face with that. i started really trying--just being myself and admitting right off the bat that i'm a jealous little slut, what i'm looking for, and why. As soon as i took that route, i became far more gracefully accepting of the idea and felt less resentment. Still shitty at picking up women though lol as i have made no progress whatsoever.

Another completely unrelated thing i have been thinking about is space. Subspace, Domspace, O/our space. Last night, for some reason, i had a really hard time going down. i don't know why. i wasn't thinking about anything in particular, i didn't have something weighing on my mind, i just couldn't go down deep. M asked me why i was fighting Him, and i honestly couldn't say. He knows in an instant if i'm not in space. Its a place we share together and He's not happy if i'm not in it. A lot of people talk about subspace, some people talk about Domspace (like a rare event), but i haven't found anyone who talks about O/our space (if it's there to read and i have been blind, someone please send me the link lol). It's the place we both go when we play together. So, for us, is there subspace and Domspace, or is it all O/our space? i think that when i'm floating around the house and He's keeping me down with that sadistically pleasured glint in His eyes, i'm in subspace. When we are along together, and He's swimming in my mind, we are in O/our space...
i really need to work on my conclusions lol. Children make them near impossible.

Old issues

M and the relationship we have has really helped me work through a lot of issues i had around rape and molestation. They were things i used to think about every day and now rarely enter my mind at all. I had (still do sometimes) a really hard time accepting some of the things that get me off because of those issues. i'm sure a psychologist would say that i have the kinks i do because of those issues, but who knows. it doesn't really matter to me why i am the way i am. It matters that i like who i am and i am okay with being the freak i happen to be. Many things have changed. I no longer panic at dirty talk (still working on the giving end, but receiving is a turn-on now), i now generally view younger men as something you chew up and spit out, Dominant men don't make me quite as nervous as they used to, and i no longer completely disassociate during sex. i have learned that there's a difference between dirt, and well, dirt. Some is shit that gets you off, some is scarring and traumatizing. There is one thing that really hasn't changed from when i was younger though. i had not thought about it for some time, until M brought it up the other day, not having been in any situations where i had to face it. We were talking about get-togethers for people in the lifestyle. He said we could go to one sometime but that He was concerned about me. He had noticed that the particular get-together we were looking at had a number of older men going to it and He questioned my ability to cope with being in a situation like that with older men. Yea, i do still have a bit of shit to work through. When i started thinking about it, i got really nervous and uncomfortable. when i was young, i was molested by an elderly man with emphysema. My dad died of emphysema and just hearing that particular wheeze all patients of that disease have in common was really difficult for me. i know i can't spend my whole life avoiding just being around older men and if we ever do meet others in the lifestyle i will have to. i feel different when i'm around M though. i know i am safe, it's not the same when He's not there so i don't think it would be something i can't handle. Guess i won't know till we try huh.

Coffee and french toast

Been sick for days and had to miss work again which kind of sucks because we really needed the check, but such is life.
Been thinking a lot lately about M's desire to play with another woman. Jealousy is a really hard emotion for me to control. I used to check out other women with Him. He asked me what changed and i had no response, but i did think about it. The conclusion i came to is that i used to be a lot happier with my body. i'm far more comfortable with who i am now, and i know that i don't have an ugly body, came back down to a bit underweight after both kids, but i used to have an awesome body and it's not coming back lol. I decided to take a different approach to the whole playing with someone else thing. If i'm really going to do as He has asked, i need to approach it in a very me kind of way. i guess it's taking an emotional chance by trying to find someone i can talk to and be friends with, because it will create more of an emotional connection between them as opposed to just a random plaything here and there, but if i don't, jealousy is going to eat me up more i think. i also discovered something rather personally irritating to me--i am far more disturbed by women who are disrespectful and untruthful with Him than i am with Him playing with another. Actually, it really pisses me off lol. He told me that if He ever were to physically be with another woman, it had to be someone i could sit and have coffee with in the morning. Okay, so when i'm feeling unstable, the concept of having coffee and french toast with a woman my husband just fucked is really horrifying. At the same time, D/s is about trust. We can't go vanilla for the night to accommodate someone else so she has to be submissive, or at least comfortable with it, which means she has to feel comfortable and safe enough with us to be a part of that dynamic and have coffee and french toast too, so it's a two way street.
Anyways, those are the musings of my illness laden mind for the morning lol. My house is completely thrashed from everyone being sick so i had better get off my ass and do something about it.

Mind fuck

I was reading a thread on Fetlife about what is a mind fuck. Hmmm, little did I know, M does it to me all the time lol. It's a mindfuck when i'm curled up on my knees in the cold empty bathtub and M walks out of the room, leaving me waiting...for what i'm not sure, it's a mindfuck when M tells me to find Him another woman, it's a mind fuck when M makes me talk about my fantasies or the things i have done in the past without Him. There's all sorts of mindfucks.
One thing I didn't see in the thread was anything about the other kind of mind fuck. Something M is also quite fond of and it's my favorite kind. When He crawls inside my being with His mind and I can feel Him touching me without His body. His fingers caress my soul and there's the almost physical sensation of Him sliding in me. It's a real elevator ride down into space. Hmm, that ended up being a very short thought burst. Apparently just thinking about it turns my brain to mush lol.

Wrote this like a week ago. Since i doubt i will ever be able to "finish" it, i'll post it anyways lol.