Wednesday, November 3, 2010
M and the relationship we have has really helped me work through a lot of issues i had around rape and molestation. They were things i used to think about every day and now rarely enter my mind at all. I had (still do sometimes) a really hard time accepting some of the things that get me off because of those issues. i'm sure a psychologist would say that i have the kinks i do because of those issues, but who knows. it doesn't really matter to me why i am the way i am. It matters that i like who i am and i am okay with being the freak i happen to be. Many things have changed. I no longer panic at dirty talk (still working on the giving end, but receiving is a turn-on now), i now generally view younger men as something you chew up and spit out, Dominant men don't make me quite as nervous as they used to, and i no longer completely disassociate during sex. i have learned that there's a difference between dirt, and well, dirt. Some is shit that gets you off, some is scarring and traumatizing. There is one thing that really hasn't changed from when i was younger though. i had not thought about it for some time, until M brought it up the other day, not having been in any situations where i had to face it. We were talking about get-togethers for people in the lifestyle. He said we could go to one sometime but that He was concerned about me. He had noticed that the particular get-together we were looking at had a number of older men going to it and He questioned my ability to cope with being in a situation like that with older men. Yea, i do still have a bit of shit to work through. When i started thinking about it, i got really nervous and uncomfortable. when i was young, i was molested by an elderly man with emphysema. My dad died of emphysema and just hearing that particular wheeze all patients of that disease have in common was really difficult for me. i know i can't spend my whole life avoiding just being around older men and if we ever do meet others in the lifestyle i will have to. i feel different when i'm around M though. i know i am safe, it's not the same when He's not there so i don't think it would be something i can't handle. Guess i won't know till we try huh.