The bullshit we make for ourselves

 If you're looking for something to read that isn't depressing, i suggest skipping this post and scrolling down lol.

Well, it's my day off and in the typical fashion of late, nothing has gone as it was supposed to. i woke up with that lovely back pain that says "yes, you need to give in a go get it worked on, but you're going to work all week instead," and M has spent His day mucking around with the septic system so we are getting no time together and i can't really blame Him for being in a terrible mood.

Right before my dad died, he said "the only things that matter are love and family. Everything else is just bullshit we make for ourselves." And it's really true. Of course, he was on his way out of this world, so all that bullshit we make for ourselves and it's impact on life, love, and family didn't matter to him anymore. It really hit me last night how very much i miss him. For a while i felt overwhelming grief, then a kind of numbness. Now i just miss him terribly. i am who i am because of him. At least he had the good graces to apologize lol (no, really, it was a Hallmark moment that sums up my family--when he was dying i told him, "i am who i am today because of you," his reply was "yea, sorry about that hehe"). The missing is almost worse than that initial grief. In the beginning all of my emotions seemed so pure and clear. Now that he's nothing more than a fading memory, a man my youngest son will forget, a picture on the wall, grief is like a rippling pool of murky water. i'm stuck in it and i can't get out. There are very few things in life that we can count on continuously, like the saying about death and taxes being life's only certainties. Well, for me, it was death, taxes and dad. i guess i'm down to death and taxes now lol. He was 57 years old when he died. He was loyal, sweet, an asshole, a gardener, a grandfather, and above all else, an honest human being who loved being inspired and believed integrity and truth were the core of goodness. He was my father and i miss him more than i ever thought i could.

All i can seem to see these days is the bullshit we have made for ourselves, the ineptitude of humanity, and the cynical side of life on earth. Like a lot of people, i'm overworked, underpaid, miss my kids, and wish i could just get shit straight once and for all. Sometimes it's just all a bit to much.

Pride and humiliation

i have been thinking about pride and how i feel it ties in with humiliation. Humiliation is, by definition, something that strips away pride. For me, i view pride as a bit of a pitfall. In the context of D/s, i guess one could see it a couple of different ways. Is a sub who's to proud to kneel, to proud to beg, to proud to give over control, really a submissive? Yet, from a Dominant perspective (of which i can only theorize because i haven't asked yet lol), is a submissive without some sense of pride desirable? inmho, a sense of pride, while if to strong, can be quite detrimental, is also important for the ability to serve well. If you take no pride in your service, are you serving to the best of your abilities? i think that, as far apart as they appear, pride and humiliation are deeply entwined. As a submissive, humiliation strips me of the pride that says i am to good for something. For M (like i said, i haven't asked yet, asking leads to "lets try and find out" lol), i think He gets some of His satisfaction from my humiliation because he knows it is deeply challenged by my sense of pride, yet occurs anyways. The concept of humiliation is something many people seem to find aberrant and repulsive. The thought does make me cringe, yet even just the prospect makes me weak in the knees with that sinking sensation of sliding into subspace.
i feel it is important to point out that there is a distinct difference between humiliation and degradation. Humiliation takes a person to levels they would not normally be willing to go. It expands mental concepts and breaks down the barriers of how we like to perceive ourselves and our concepts of how we think we should be. Degradation reduces a person, it is a lowering of character, something completely designed to break another person down, to make them less than what they truly are. Degradation is, by definition, contemptuous. It is something we find acceptable only when we believe another human being is truly without worth.
And there's my spiel on pride and humiliation for the day.

My blog is having an identity crisis...

i ain't no queen of Sheba

Well, the queen of Sheba i am not and i'm not going to be taking over the world anytime soon lol.
The belt was lying on His pillow when i went to bed. i knew it was no accident but i tried to pretend it wasn't destined for my ass. i curled up, blankets tucked firmly under my chin and announced i was closed for maintenance. "Haha, you have been begging for it all day little one, you are not closed for maintenance, you are open for use." Uuum, begging...? "nuh uh, oh no, not me." Thwack. Oh yes uh huh, me. It was more one of those "you are a mouthy shit but i don't mind to much" punishments, than a "you fucked up good, here come the tears," punishments.
The blindfold is always the first thing out of the toy box. He likes to watch me wiggle, squirm, and try to figure out what objects of delicious, or not so delicious, torment are headed my way. Then comes the cuffs and rope so i can't cheat by feeling with my hands. Out came the clothespins...On their own they aren't too painful. When they are flicked and your nipples are made hard, they are quite effective at preventing unwanted movement because moving hurts. When He fucked me i begged to cum. His reply? a somewhat disconcerting "lol, fuck no!" i begged, and i begged, and when He was ready He gave the command and i did. Delicious, mind numbing, body melting, orgasm.
And i got to sleep for all of five minutes before the little guy woke up and got me to go lie down with him lol.

When the brain says "STOP!" and the mouth keeps speaking...

Okay, so the funny thing about being submissive is you're not the one who gets to choose when to submit. Imagine that lol. i have been terribly mouthy today. The kind of mouthy where i'm talking, and my brain says "shut up!" as His eyebrows lower and my mouth, well it just keeps on moving. i'm an attention whore. i know it and i'm not to bad at controlling it a fair amount of the time. i know it's not M's fault we hardly ever see each other and He's working on my day off. He's just doing what He has to. i have no doubt that i have earned myself attention--attention that will make me squirm and beg for an ending. He snapped the belt at me earlier in a not so subtle threat that He will no doubt remember later. All because when my brain said "hush," my mouth said, "fuck you!" i know my place. i just need reminders lol. That sounds weak even as i type it, but it's true. After days of not being in our space and just dealing with the trials of life, it's difficult not to fight.
We were in the shower, M frowned at me, "you complained when i didn't let you up for a week, and you haven't been down for a week; now look at you--thinking your the queen of Sheba, ready to take over the world and shit." i tried my best to convince Him it was a good idea as i was bent over gracelessly attempting to shave my legs in less than ample space. The replying motion was quite graceful--as my head slid up the wall of the shower with His hand around my throat and that wicked grin that tells me there's more to come later. And me? Yea, still not graceful creeping up onto my toes in an attempt to match the rise of His hand with a razor dangling precariously from my fingers. "Do a good job little one, i'll be checking later." i may be a shit sometimes, but somehow i ended up with the man of my dreams.

un-submissive submissive

i am feeling excessively un-submissive today. Life is kicking my ass and i'm really just feeling tired, irritable, pissy, and depressed. M and i have both been working our asses off with just enough time to say "how was your day?" before passing out in separate rooms. Yet still, the bills are piling up, the car needs work, the cupboards are empty, my mom needs food, and no one is willing to pay what they owe. i have really had it up to my ears with humanity in general at this point.
Usually submission makes me feel safe, balanced, like no matter what else is going on, everything is okay. Today, i don't want to submit in any way. i don't want to be touched, i don't want to be told what to do, i don't want to play, i don't want to deal with my kids (who i actually happen to miss being at work all the time), i want to sit on the couch and sulk in silence. My "just do what needs to be done and take care of shit," attitude has faded dramatically after realizing that no matter how i take care of shit, it's not making a bit of difference. When my dad died, he wanted me to take care of mom. Fuck, at the moment, i'm hardly taking care of my kids. Last time i visited my mom, she had no food. i came home and searched the cabinets for food to give her. Yea, old cookies and coffee, the diet of champions. We seem to be reaching new heights of screwed on a daily basis lol.
My cranky un-submissive ass is getting in the shower with a razor (for a long overdue shave, not to slit my wrists).

Pride

Okay, this is my pre-work rambling so if it's incoherent, such is life lol. i just want to get my thoughts down before they disappear.
i was thinking about pride last night on the way home. Pride can be good. It prompts us to appreciate a job well done, it encourages us to do things right and stand behind our decisions. Pride can also be a disastrous pitfall. It prevents us from accepting help when we really need it, clouds our vision when we are questioning a judgment call, and it's the little voice in the back of the mind that says "i will not beg." i realized that i am a proud person. Then i began to wonder...why do things that strip away all sense of pride turn me on so much? Humiliation takes pride and washes it away (sometimes quite literally lol). i came to the conclusion that pride is a construct of the mind with social bearing. When i am floating in sub space, all the constructs of who i think i am, and how i believe the world should, be disappear. When i'm on my knees and M is pissing all over me, i have no pride to hide behind. When i accept that my place is at His feet i am serene in the presence of His Dominance and empty concepts of how i think things should be don't matter any more.
i was on a roll and now i have to go to work...