If you're looking for something to read that isn't depressing, i suggest skipping this post and scrolling down lol.
Well, it's my day off and in the typical fashion of late, nothing has gone as it was supposed to. i woke up with that lovely back pain that says "yes, you need to give in a go get it worked on, but you're going to work all week instead," and M has spent His day mucking around with the septic system so we are getting no time together and i can't really blame Him for being in a terrible mood.
Right before my dad died, he said "the only things that matter are love and family. Everything else is just bullshit we make for ourselves." And it's really true. Of course, he was on his way out of this world, so all that bullshit we make for ourselves and it's impact on life, love, and family didn't matter to him anymore. It really hit me last night how very much i miss him. For a while i felt overwhelming grief, then a kind of numbness. Now i just miss him terribly. i am who i am because of him. At least he had the good graces to apologize lol (no, really, it was a Hallmark moment that sums up my family--when he was dying i told him, "i am who i am today because of you," his reply was "yea, sorry about that hehe"). The missing is almost worse than that initial grief. In the beginning all of my emotions seemed so pure and clear. Now that he's nothing more than a fading memory, a man my youngest son will forget, a picture on the wall, grief is like a rippling pool of murky water. i'm stuck in it and i can't get out. There are very few things in life that we can count on continuously, like the saying about death and taxes being life's only certainties. Well, for me, it was death, taxes and dad. i guess i'm down to death and taxes now lol. He was 57 years old when he died. He was loyal, sweet, an asshole, a gardener, a grandfather, and above all else, an honest human being who loved being inspired and believed integrity and truth were the core of goodness. He was my father and i miss him more than i ever thought i could.
All i can seem to see these days is the bullshit we have made for ourselves, the ineptitude of humanity, and the cynical side of life on earth. Like a lot of people, i'm overworked, underpaid, miss my kids, and wish i could just get shit straight once and for all. Sometimes it's just all a bit to much.