Saturday, December 4, 2010

un-submissive submissive

i am feeling excessively un-submissive today. Life is kicking my ass and i'm really just feeling tired, irritable, pissy, and depressed. M and i have both been working our asses off with just enough time to say "how was your day?" before passing out in separate rooms. Yet still, the bills are piling up, the car needs work, the cupboards are empty, my mom needs food, and no one is willing to pay what they owe. i have really had it up to my ears with humanity in general at this point.
Usually submission makes me feel safe, balanced, like no matter what else is going on, everything is okay. Today, i don't want to submit in any way. i don't want to be touched, i don't want to be told what to do, i don't want to play, i don't want to deal with my kids (who i actually happen to miss being at work all the time), i want to sit on the couch and sulk in silence. My "just do what needs to be done and take care of shit," attitude has faded dramatically after realizing that no matter how i take care of shit, it's not making a bit of difference. When my dad died, he wanted me to take care of mom. Fuck, at the moment, i'm hardly taking care of my kids. Last time i visited my mom, she had no food. i came home and searched the cabinets for food to give her. Yea, old cookies and coffee, the diet of champions. We seem to be reaching new heights of screwed on a daily basis lol.
My cranky un-submissive ass is getting in the shower with a razor (for a long overdue shave, not to slit my wrists).

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Play nice.