Privacy and a Moment of Grace

Privacy. I have none.
Well, sometimes I do when he decides I do, but I don't have expectations of privacy when it comes to Alpha. I guess you could say that my privacy is dependent on his mood.
He says that I would be sad if I had privacy, and maybe he's right--I like that he has enough interest to not allow it.

As he was leading me to the bathroom last night, I was complaining about this whole privacy thing. Well, in all fairness, I was complaining about the lack of it.
He scoffed, told me to prepare the enema bag, and get over it.

Oddly enough, I did very much get over it shortly thereafter.

Maybe it was when he put me on my knees in the tub and told me to insert the enema
or when I felt the warm stream of piss hitting my back
maybe it was when he washed my hair as I begged to go to the toilet
or when he repeatedly shoved his cock so far down my throat that I gagged
maybe it was when he pulled me into the shower and washed me down.

Suddenly nothing else mattered.
Because I was no longer submitting
I was nothing more and nothing less than
surrender.

As I was putting away the enema bag, I felt a moment of grace. Not just abstract grace, but physical grace.
Everything that is me was wrapped up in that moment in time.

And I truly do believe that surrender is, and always will be, my greatest form of grace.

Because when nothing is hidden
and nothing is held on to
when notions about how and who we should be are left behind
and I simply let myself become whatever it is he wishes me to be
when I surrender all that I am to all that he is

in that moment
there is a beautiful grace unlike anything else.

Sorry, But I Think We are Speaking Different Languages

I've been thinking again, (yea yea, explosive and dangerous stuff. I know) about this whole blogging and people thing.
I seriously debated posting this because I have received a fair amount of what I consider to be genuine communications from new subs lately, and I don't wish to discourage them or to imply that I feel their communications are anything less than honest. And I do hope that none of those people take this personally, because it's not a dig at them. But this topic has been on my mind for a while, so naturally, from brain to mouth, (or page) it shall go--as usual.

There's actual people who read and write--it's not just words, it's the people behind them, the people who believe them, the people who consume them, the people who disagree with them.

We write a construct. Either an expression of the truth and who we are, or far from it. For the most part, people who write fiction write it as just that--fictional stories for entertainment (or getting off, whichever. Either is cool).

Then there is the occasional line of bullshit. And sure, you can try to feed it to people, but we don't have to eat it up.

It could be argued that you can never really know which blogs are "real" and which aren't, and I suppose that's a valid argument. Either way, they're all written by real people, the only question being whether they are expressing their reality or not.
Unless it's obvious bullshit, I tend not to really dwell on it much--maintaining a fictional blog whilst pretending it's reality seems like a lot more effort than most people would want to go through.
If I think that it's bullshit, I just don't read it. Simple right?

I really would

There's a whole world of people out here, and it is inevitable that honesty is not going to be a trait held and valued by all.

But I'm not thinking about bloggers really. I'm thinking about readers.
In general, I think it's bad form to talk about other bloggers unless one has been inspired and borrows a concept. Amendment: It has come to my attention that this sentence could come off all wrong, so to clarify, I think it's bad form to talk shit about other bloggers.
I try to be approachable, and I try to take people at pretty much face value--many of us look to connect with others like us, seek advice from people who have more experience, reach out when we feel someone is in need, etc. And that is all very cool. It makes for a lovely sense of community and...Not aloneness (yea, yea--I know it's not really a word).
I get a fair amount of emails that say nothing more than "Thank you for showing me that I am not alone." And you know what? I appreciate those emails--because some days it is a bit odd to empty one's heart onto the page and know that the world can see it. So don't get me wrong--I really do appreciate the majority of communications that I have received.
However, I think that the longer one blogs, and as the size of one's readership grows, so do the lines of bullshit that people are willing to try and feed you.
Lately, blogging has felt...A bit odd. I dunno...

Perhaps I tend to display my sweet and slutty side here more than my other traits, but just in case you
didn't get the memo--submissive does not equal brain dead. Some bloggers seem to get everyone's share of hate mail. Apparently I am qualified to receive, "I think you're stupid" mail.
And just because I'll read it, debate it's merit, and attempt to give it's writer the benefit of the doubt, does not mean that I will ultimately decide to believe the bullshit. Because you can package up all the shit you want to sell, but I don't have to buy it.
In all honesty, I think that I would rather get hate mail than bullshit mail--I much prefer an honest dispute over dishonest camaraderie.

The Emotional Masochist

By this point, we have clearly established that I'm not much of a masochist. The phrase "Worlds wussiest masochist" comes to mind...

However, I can wear the title of emotional masochist rather well.

Now, "Emotional masochist" is one of those terms that you probably don't want to Google. Kind of like "Headache and fever" because by the end of page one, you will go from mild pain, to meningitis patient on her deathbed. Or in this case, from mostly stable, to incredibly self destructive and emotionally damaged.

So, I'm not debating definitions here, I am making my own. And no, I haven't quite decided what mine is in word form yet, but I have a whole post for you to figure it out right?

I realize that this is going to be a highly interpretable sentence, and that most interpretations will be terrible, but there might be a few of you who "get" it:
The emotional masochist is the person who shines and gets shit done when a loved one dies--because they can ride the high of being in emotional agony. And they are the one's who crash hardest when that high fades.

I do occasionally crave pain, because it gets me out of my head. There is a certain release in pain or in the pain/pleasure combination, that isn't really achieved with other physical sensations.

But what I really crave, what really turns me on and makes me melt, are the things I don't want. The things that make me cringe and blush, the things that make me want to run away and hide, the things that make me squirm and want to crawl away--the things that I find humiliating.

To me, that is emotional masochism.

Humiliation is about control--someone having enough control over you that you are willing to fall into any depths because they so desire it. It's about being stripped bare in ways far beyond the physical experiences we use to define ourselves. It's about going so far down that you can't see the top, and he is the only reality that truly exists.

Emotional masochism is surrender. Surrender to all that we try to keep hidden and find difficult to accept about ourselves.
The emotional masochist is the voice that whispers "Tie me to a chair and make me watch you fuck someone else, push me over the edge and watch me fall, grab me back up just before I crash and break into a million tiny pieces. Inspect me from head to toe, and push me just far enough beyond my limits that I crack. Then pick me up and put me back together in whatever new form pleases you."

Emotional masochism is wanting someone to crawl so deep into your mind that you are willing to bypass all of your own desires in order to achieve theirs. It is the sensation of fulfilling one's purpose simply by experiencing things that one explicitly does not want.

At this point, I think it is worth mentioning that one doesn't want to become a Google statistic. I do believe that emotional masochism can be a terribly unhealthy thing if it is not managed correctly.
In a way, it is also much easier to damage the emotionally masochistic than it is to take physical masochism too far--because the marks are not clearly visible to the naked eye.

The emotional masochist is willing to surrender to anything.
Owning an emotional masochist requires knowing when to stop, and how to put them back together. It is paying attention to the cracks and caring enough to avoid the things that will cause real, lasting, and irreparable harm.
Just because someone is willing to travel to the depths of hell, doesn't mean that you should actually take them there.

Obvious facts

I was working on a post, and Blogger decided to publish it without my consent. Quite rude if you ask me...

So I decided to post an obvious fact. Because I'm still working on my post dammit!

I'll get there eventually...

Well...

If anyone happens to come across a tall blond man kicking a poor little abused, and unloved sense of humor around, carefully peek around for his kinder half and send his wife's starved and lonely sense of humor back home with him will you? I don't mind if it's still stuck to the bottom of his boot--I'll scrape it off and revive it later.

The one in front would be me...Free free to take bets as to whether it's a before or after post picture.
 

For a while I was a bit concerned that the week would end like this:

Ouch Doesn't sum it up...

But I think that we're working our way around to this:

He likes me again, he likes me again!

Maybe...

A Question of Pleasing

"I had my first Sub experience last Wednesday. It opened a side of me that I never knew was there and now I want more! How can I please him like no other? I want to be the Sub of his dreams. Any ideas are appreciated since I'm completely new to this whole thing!"

First off, I find this to be an exceptionally open-ended question--how we please is greatly dependent on the situation we are in. Given the context I have, I will assume that this is a new relationship.

Secondly, the only way anyone can possibly become the sub of a man's dreams, is to base submission on him and his input--who is he, what does he like, what pleases him, what does he want, what is his idea of the submissive of his dreams?

That being said...

One of the things that I think happens when we are new, is that we love to leap without looking first (okay, so maybe some of us keep I kept that tendency).
So take it slow.
Instead of first focusing on how to please him like no other, some time might be well spent coming to an understanding of what your idea of Dominance and submission is. Because seriously, interpretations are like fish in the sea--there are many.
Do you really want to be the submissive of his dreams? Not all dreams are worth making into a reality.
And while the desire to please is an important and wonderful thing, you are still human, you still have feelings, there will be things that you genuinely never want to do, and things that you might be willing to try.
We should never allow our desire to please to lead us down a path on which we know that we will encounter real harm--because as crappy and unexciting as it may sound, we still have responsibility for our own well-being.

I have come to believe that submission is ultimately about what the Dominant desires it to be--submission is not ours, it is theirs and takes the shape of what they want and believe it to be. But if we have no clue about what we need from D/s, it will be very difficult to have a fulfilling experience or relationship.

How do you please him like no other? You ask him what pleases him.
How do you become the sub of his dreams? You ask him what the sub of his dreams is.
Then you take what you have learned, absorb it, decide if that is something you yourself want for your life, and do the best that you can.

I think that is ultimately the only real answer I can offer to your question; however, I do have a few ideas that might help you out along the way:

Be honest and transparent. If you really don't like something--tell him! You aren't pleasing by misleading.
But really, be honest about everything. Sometimes we have to stop and think about how to phrase things politely, but honesty and transparency can take you to incredible places that are difficult to imagine.

Communicate (see a theme here?).
If you don't communicate your needs, thoughts, and feelings, he won't know them. Being submissive doesn't outweigh being human--we have thoughts, fears, feelings, needs, desires, etc. We are all complex creatures with many facets. Without communication, we can't explore ourselves and our possibilities to their full extent.
If he doesn't communicate his expectations and what he wants and likes, you can't please him--because you don't have the tools to know what is necessary to do so.

Be observant.
This analogy might be a little crude, but this is a D/s blog, so you get what you get lol.
It's kind of like giving a blowjob only on a larger scale--if you're doing something and the reaction is good, you keep doing it and explore how you can make it better. If you're getting a bad response or none at all, then you adjust your approach and try something different. If you aren't observing and paying attention, you won't know what is pleasing and what isn't.
And the more you do it with one person, the better you get at knowing exactly what they like.

Hear him.
This kind of goes hand in hand with being observant, and is not quite the same as listening. Truly hear and absorb what he says and does--because he is the only person who can teach you how to please him.

Be yourself.
I think that over time, we often discover that our submission and ourselves have been largely shaped by our Dominants; however, pretending to be something we are not in order to please, is the opposite of submission--it is creating a false construct when we are supposed to be stripping away barriers and constructs that we use as defenses against the world.
At its core, D/s is a primal and raw experience. One can never get to that core if we continually pretend to be something that we are not.

And just to reiterate...In the beginning is not the time to leap without looking. So take your time, enjoy your explorations, and good luck on your journey.
If there's anything else you want to add, or see added to, feel free to use the comments box to your hearts content!

Surrender to Silence

Things have been...A little off around here. It's to be expected, and isn't really a surprise.
Now that I am feeling slightly better, I expect to feel the full force of his disillusionment. Most likely in the form of him expressing his sadistic tendencies.

An occurrence that I am anticipating with no small amount of trepidation. Because um, he's feeling a bit on the cruel side lately.
But that's okay. Because we seem to have temporarily lost our space. Minds are loud, thoughts are scattered, and inner stillness has been swallowed by the loud clamor of unclear ideas.

Within pain and its infliction though, there is a silence. That peaceful quiet wherein all thought becomes quiet. A surrender to him, surrender to the pain, surrender to silence.
Between the quiet sounds of pain there is a silence. And in that silence we become and accept all that we are. In that silence there is nothing more and nothing less...Than us.