Friday, March 22, 2013

A Question of Pleasing

"I had my first Sub experience last Wednesday. It opened a side of me that I never knew was there and now I want more! How can I please him like no other? I want to be the Sub of his dreams. Any ideas are appreciated since I'm completely new to this whole thing!"

First off, I find this to be an exceptionally open-ended question--how we please is greatly dependent on the situation we are in. Given the context I have, I will assume that this is a new relationship.

Secondly, the only way anyone can possibly become the sub of a man's dreams, is to base submission on him and his input--who is he, what does he like, what pleases him, what does he want, what is his idea of the submissive of his dreams?

That being said...

One of the things that I think happens when we are new, is that we love to leap without looking first (okay, so maybe some of us keep I kept that tendency).
So take it slow.
Instead of first focusing on how to please him like no other, some time might be well spent coming to an understanding of what your idea of Dominance and submission is. Because seriously, interpretations are like fish in the sea--there are many.
Do you really want to be the submissive of his dreams? Not all dreams are worth making into a reality.
And while the desire to please is an important and wonderful thing, you are still human, you still have feelings, there will be things that you genuinely never want to do, and things that you might be willing to try.
We should never allow our desire to please to lead us down a path on which we know that we will encounter real harm--because as crappy and unexciting as it may sound, we still have responsibility for our own well-being.

I have come to believe that submission is ultimately about what the Dominant desires it to be--submission is not ours, it is theirs and takes the shape of what they want and believe it to be. But if we have no clue about what we need from D/s, it will be very difficult to have a fulfilling experience or relationship.

How do you please him like no other? You ask him what pleases him.
How do you become the sub of his dreams? You ask him what the sub of his dreams is.
Then you take what you have learned, absorb it, decide if that is something you yourself want for your life, and do the best that you can.

I think that is ultimately the only real answer I can offer to your question; however, I do have a few ideas that might help you out along the way:

Be honest and transparent. If you really don't like something--tell him! You aren't pleasing by misleading.
But really, be honest about everything. Sometimes we have to stop and think about how to phrase things politely, but honesty and transparency can take you to incredible places that are difficult to imagine.

Communicate (see a theme here?).
If you don't communicate your needs, thoughts, and feelings, he won't know them. Being submissive doesn't outweigh being human--we have thoughts, fears, feelings, needs, desires, etc. We are all complex creatures with many facets. Without communication, we can't explore ourselves and our possibilities to their full extent.
If he doesn't communicate his expectations and what he wants and likes, you can't please him--because you don't have the tools to know what is necessary to do so.

Be observant.
This analogy might be a little crude, but this is a D/s blog, so you get what you get lol.
It's kind of like giving a blowjob only on a larger scale--if you're doing something and the reaction is good, you keep doing it and explore how you can make it better. If you're getting a bad response or none at all, then you adjust your approach and try something different. If you aren't observing and paying attention, you won't know what is pleasing and what isn't.
And the more you do it with one person, the better you get at knowing exactly what they like.

Hear him.
This kind of goes hand in hand with being observant, and is not quite the same as listening. Truly hear and absorb what he says and does--because he is the only person who can teach you how to please him.

Be yourself.
I think that over time, we often discover that our submission and ourselves have been largely shaped by our Dominants; however, pretending to be something we are not in order to please, is the opposite of submission--it is creating a false construct when we are supposed to be stripping away barriers and constructs that we use as defenses against the world.
At its core, D/s is a primal and raw experience. One can never get to that core if we continually pretend to be something that we are not.

And just to reiterate...In the beginning is not the time to leap without looking. So take your time, enjoy your explorations, and good luck on your journey.
If there's anything else you want to add, or see added to, feel free to use the comments box to your hearts content!


  1. Replies
    1. *Like* three ;o)

      P.S. I'm getting a lot of 'newbie' questions...think I might refer them all to you :P

    2. *Grin*
      Thank you.

      feel free to send them my way if you want, though I seriously doubt that the quality of advice given here will exceed, or perhaps even meet, the quality of advice they would get from you lol.
      Some days I get questions and I think, "Oh I dunno lady, what on earth makes you think that I know what I'm talking about?!"

    3. LOL! But Lil, you answer questions so very well (without huge amounts of sarcasm or defensive-ness) I have a pile from March question month that I haven't gotten to yet and I'm echoing your last sentiment;P

  2. Hi lil, such wonderful advice! I love the point about submission being theirs, not ours.


  3. Hi lil....I love you advice. Being new to this and not really sure HOW to do this, your blog really does help. I like your honesty and truthfullness. This can be sooo confusing at times, it's nice to be able to come to blogland and have people make some sense out of it.

    Subrina <3

  4. Subrina,
    Thank you!
    I don't often feel like I am making much sense lol, but I am glad to hear that you have found some of my ramblings to be helpful.


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