I would say that I have had problems with men for my entire adult life, but that would be a slightly erroneous statement, given that my issues began to arise before adulthood. In my defense, I was not the person who cultivated those issues.
Making BDSM part of our relationship has changed so much for me...
There is a certain unclean feeling that certain life events leave one with. It's something that no amount of scrubbing seems to clean, no amount of tears seems to wash away, sometimes you feel like you could scrub your own skin off, and that filthy feeling would stay there just under the surface of your being.
Our relationship and the context in which we have chosen to develop it, has eradicated that sense of being unclean. Words cannot properly express the magnitude that statement holds for me.
BDSM has changed my relationship with sex, with Him, with myself.
But I think that...I wonder that some things are, or become, inherent...
I like attention from men. I like it a lot. I am a habitual flirt, I like to feel sexy, and did I mention that I'm an attention whore?
It has taken me a very long time to be able to admit and accept this about myself. And some days, the accepting doesn't go so well.
At the same time though...
Often, men scare the shit out of me, and at times, I find their attentions to be extremely disturbing.
And yet...That's part of my twists too--fear gets me off. In a big way.
Dunno...Why this, why now, why does it matter...?
Recent circumstances have brought these issues back into the light for me.
I'm not sure why I have so much appreciation for the attentions of the opposite sex, or maybe if it's just because they are the opposite sex.
The fear though...I have a very good idea of where it came from. It is that idea which makes my sexual attraction to fear somewhat disturbing to me.
I find these extremes within myself annoying--the habitual attention loving flirt who has bouts of extreme and disturbing fear and then gets off on fear?
You deserve a cookie if that made any sense...
My...Distance(?) from sex has a lot to do with denying that flirtatious easy part of me. The more I accept and enjoy my sexuality, the more I see these things in myself.
I spent a long time denying one in order to control the other. I think though, that this...This being his, and not having the control to make the decisions about who touches me, or who I do what with...I have found it oddly liberating.
That's not something one figures their man will love about them though, right? I mean, the flirtatious wife is rarely appreciated...And rightfully so.
I think that the power structure of our relationship eliminates those issues too though--what happens to my body is his choice. And lets be honest, he appreciates a dirty mind, being overwhelmingly blessed with one of his own.
I have a salacious mind an occasionally lascivious character, and am not well known for my ability to exercise self control. Those can be such bad traits when you put them all together.
The decision about what to do with those traits isn't mine anymore though. And that has given me the ability to just be...Me.
It's not always easy though, this accepting that perhaps there are some issues which will always stand, that perhaps the sense of irrational fear and further irrationality which follows it, may never fade....To know that I will, perhaps forever, adore the attentions of which I find myself most uncomfortable with...
Don't even get me going on the hypocrisy of my jealous streak--that's far too much introspection for one day.