Sunday, February 2, 2014

Problems With Men...

I would say that I have had problems with men for my entire adult life, but that would be a slightly erroneous statement, given that my issues began to arise before adulthood. In my defense, I was not the person who cultivated those issues.

Making BDSM part of our relationship has changed so much for me...

There is a certain unclean feeling that certain life events leave one with. It's something that no amount of scrubbing seems to clean, no amount of tears seems to wash away, sometimes you feel like you could scrub your own skin off, and that filthy feeling would stay there just under the surface of your being.

Our relationship and the context in which we have chosen to develop it, has eradicated that sense of being unclean. Words cannot properly express the magnitude that statement holds for me.

BDSM has changed my relationship with sex, with Him, with myself.

But I think that...I wonder that some things are, or become, inherent...

I like attention from men. I like it a lot. I am a habitual flirt, I like to feel sexy, and did I mention that I'm an attention whore?
It has taken me a very long time to be able to admit and accept this about myself. And some days, the accepting doesn't go so well.

At the same time though...

Often, men scare the shit out of me, and at times, I find their attentions to be extremely disturbing.

And yet...That's part of my twists too--fear gets me off. In a big way.

Dunno...Why this, why now, why does it matter...?
Recent circumstances have brought these issues back into the light for me.

I'm not sure why I have so much appreciation for the attentions of the opposite sex, or maybe if it's just because they are the opposite sex.
The fear though...I have a very good idea of where it came from. It is that idea which makes my sexual attraction to fear somewhat disturbing to me.

I find these extremes within myself annoying--the habitual attention loving flirt who has bouts of extreme and disturbing fear and then gets off on fear?
You deserve a cookie if that made any sense...

My...Distance(?) from sex has a lot to do with denying that flirtatious easy part of me. The more I accept and enjoy my sexuality, the more I see these things in myself.
I spent a long time denying one in order to control the other. I think though, that this...This being his, and not having the control to make the decisions about who touches me, or who I do what with...I have found it oddly liberating.
That's not something one figures their man will love about them though, right? I mean, the flirtatious wife is rarely appreciated...And rightfully so.
I think that the power structure of our relationship eliminates those issues too though--what happens to my body is his choice. And lets be honest, he appreciates a dirty mind, being overwhelmingly blessed with one of his own.

I have a salacious mind an occasionally lascivious character, and am not well known for my ability to exercise self control. Those can be such bad traits when you put them all together.
The decision about what to do with those traits isn't mine anymore though. And that has given me the ability to just be...Me.

It's not always easy though, this accepting that perhaps there are some issues which will always stand, that perhaps the sense of irrational fear and further irrationality which follows it, may never fade....To know that I will, perhaps forever, adore the attentions of which I find myself most uncomfortable with...

Don't even get me going on the hypocrisy of my jealous streak--that's far too much introspection for one day.


  1. I think most women flirt. Let's face it, it's nice to be noticed. It doesn't have to go any further than that. No jealousy here though, always thought it was wasted energy.

    1. Sunnygirl,
      I've never really spent a enough time with women to know if it was a trait of my species or not, lol.

      I think that jealousy is a huge waste of energy. Unfortunately, my brain refuses to listen to logic in that particular area...

  2. I understood that. More than I'd like to... I sometimes despise the contradictions about myself and the realization of just how fucked up those contradictions are. Not that it's any consolation, but you're not alone ;) Being his has brought me more freedom as well. It doesn't make sense for a slave to feel more free, but there it is...another of those dirty little contradictions.

    For me, I feel cleaner simply because he loves me anyway. D/s has created an intimacy that has allowed him to see what really lies behind the walls I had built and he still loves me and assures me that there's nothing to be ashamed of the many reasons we do what we do.


    1. P,
      thank you for this comment.
      On the surface perhaps, it doesn't make sense to feel more free as a slave, but I think that once we begin delving deeper, that becomes true of so many things within this kind of relationship.

      Oh yes! I I have this theory that once one isn't alone behind their walls, it is easier to feel that sense of cleanliness just because they're eyes can see all those things within us. I might have quit making sense....

  3. Lil,
    I can't quite relate to your post but I can appreciate it!
    I hate attention...I've never been able to pull of the flirty thing...

    But I so understand how TTWD can take control over those parts of ourselves that we struggle with--I think there is such freedom in that.

    1. Bleuame,
      I just with I could go one way or another--love or hate it, not both!

      There really is a huge amount of freedom in it.

      It's good to see you. I hope that you are well.

  4. So, I REALLY REALLY REALLY don't want to understand any of this.... after thinking a little further, what do you say we just pretend I don't understand and forget this ever happened.

    1. Like the background though!

    2. Misty,
      while we're pretending that, we can also pretend that this wasn't one of the most difficult admissions I have made in the nearly four years of this blog. That's fair, right?

      *Hands Misty a cookie*

  5. I get you on being scared of men... I had all sisters and went to an all girls school so for the longest time was shit scared of boys - they were foreign species to me!

    Then I became an adult and you know, I never really related well to girls or women often, not in groups anyhow, and found men a hell of lot easier to get on with. Now I'm lucky enough to have wonderful friends who just happen to be either gender, if you see what I mean.

    Jealousy is hard - haaarrrrdddd. I'm a possesive little thing, if I'm honest, and not just jealous in the sexual sense - its all of it. I had to really learn to except him going out with friends and not me, that sort of thing. Jealousy is something he's had to battle too (though mostly completely in the sexual sense for him).


Play nice.