In Every Moment

Words cannot express how totally awesome it is to be sitting at home on my own couch, (he'll say how quickly I forget it's all his) drinking coffee out of my cup, listening to the summer birds doing their thing. Even if I have to brave the chicken coup (we have a painful and dark history), and leave in a few hours, it's still awesome for the moment.

I have a few posts scheduled to keep the blog alive. Home has been inspiring. I'll catch up on with everyone whenever I get another chance. Hopefully, in about a week, I'll be able to start being home more.
From last night...(It's getting a tad ridiculous, I'll admit that, but I'm not entirely convinced that pining is quite as bad as whining...

Every moment.

Every fucking moment, it's there. Under my skin, floating on the inhale of my breath, the way move when I think of you, the intent every single time that I wash my skin. Your skin.

I feel you in everything that I do, in all that I am.

I hear your voice in my ears when leaves chatter softly, "Mine".
I feel you in the way the wind touches my skin
in the weight of your collar around my neck
and the caress of water flowing down my body.

The things that I do for this body I live in remind me...

I breathe for you
I need you
to breathe me in
consume me
to set my soul on fire
and remind me that I am alive
that I live
for you.

Because we are always. No matter what. And I am, always...Yours. No matter what.

Home! For the Moment...

Wow. So I'm sitting in my living room in the afternoon (omg, it's still light out!) for the first time in a month, and it's...Awesome, but kinda crappy and a bit odd. Alpha's still away for his interview, and it's just me and the little guy (had to leave the big one with grandma.

I'm not really home, but it's good. Soo ridiculously good. Even if he's not here. And that is kinda crappy...

It's good to be writing here. It was good to see your comments and just...Be here. This place is so much a part of my expression of slavery, that it reminds me...Aw fuck, I'm a slave! Lol. The things I have accomplished this month have required me to be quite...Otherwise.

My big accomplishment was getting her medicaid within two days. Seriously, if you have ever applied for that shit, you know how bad it can be. My hope is to be able to be able to throw that first $85,000 dollars worth of bills away. Yea...That's for two days. I'm sure they're still doing the addition for the rest of the two weeks.

So yea...I haven't been lazy, for real. And I maybe could have gotten her a few hours of in home care every week, but I've had that job for eight dollars an hour, and I'll be damned if someone else is going to come do it for my mother. The help would be negligible anyway.

But where was I? Oh yea, I'm a slave. Almost forgot. Except I couldn't...It's in my damn bones, the way my mind work, the things I think as I drift off to sleep, the little butterflies when I hear his voice, the feeling that settles over me when I settle in front of this blog...

It is good to be home. He's not here, and I'll be gone again in the morning, but damn it's good for now.

And...Thank you. It was awesome to have to spend more than half an hour replying to comments. Totally awesome.

Follow Your Dreams

I just wanted to remind you that I believe in you. You deserve to live your dreams.

That's why they're finally scary again--because you've started dreaming of really using all that talent.

I love you.

Good luck my love.

My Obsession...

You have become my obsession, my ever-learning lesson.
When I sit in the sunshine
when I lay down to sleep at night
random moments when I notice the weight of your collar around my neck
and all I can think
all I can see
everything I feel
is...
You.
The sensation of your muscles rippling when I wrap my arms around your shoulders
the sound of your voice whispering in my ear, "You are mine forever, you are mine forever, forever..."
The fluttering in my stomach when you say that you are going to cane me until I'm a sobbing begging mess, then pick up the pieces...
Oh yes, picking up the pieces like only you can do. That's the hook, my weakness, the moment when everything that I am exists only in that moment. Only for you.

I want to wrap my legs around your waist, dig my nails into your back, and ride the waves as I drown in your eyes.

Oh yes, you are my obsession. With every breath, with every step, in each moment of every day, I know that I live to be yours.

Complacency In Slavery

 This is the first of a few auto posts. Dunno when I'll have internet again, so I apologise in advance if it takes me a month to answer any comments.

We had a talk about the job and out living arrangements if he gets it, and I'm feeling a lot better about the whole thing, but I'm gonna post this anyways.

In the spirit of complaint, I just have to mention how much I would rather be typing this into my blog at home than sitting at my mom's filling a text document with error ridden ramblings...

So, issue of the week...
This one is important to me. I guess I just feel like I have to explore my feelings before I explode.

The possibility of Alpha living somewhere else for an opportunity he has always dreamed of, and is highly qualified for.
We've been apart for going on 3 weeks now, and may I just mention that panic is setting in at the possibility of this kind of separation being a long term thing?

I had grown complacent with slavery, convinced myself that it was all for him, that his demands were often unreasonable (maybe they are), and that perhaps I wasn't really capable of being the slave he needs--a slave who really and truly couldn't walk away, who lived and breathed to be his, a slave that would do anything that she was told, and was willing to be whatever he wanted, no matter how she felt about it.
In the span of a few short weeks, I have come to wonder how I could have ever managed to convince myself that I could be anything else? Maybe he does deserve a better slave than I, but he owns all that I am. And I have nothing more to give than all in.

Sometimes it feels like the craving for his control is consuming my soul. It's ridiculous really.

And so my fear of abandonment flourishes within our new-found distance and his new-found possibilities. I want this for him. It's huge to have a chance at your dreams, and even better to be as qualified for them as he is. I hope he gets the job. I really do. He has an amazing mind, and he is truly skilled.
And I'm afraid he'll outgrow me. The world is so huge an ripe with possibility an opportunity...While I, well, I am just me...

As I sit here alone in the dark, I can't stop the thoughts of feeling him. It's not so much sex as it is fulfilling the need to fulfill his needs. For him that will express in sex and control. So it's sex and control on my mind. Anything as long as it is at his behest.

It's been a lonely month for me. I have made decisions, become the owner of all that my mom has, acheived the minor miracle of aquiring her medicaid in 2 hours (seriously, if you've ever gotten medicaid, you know that's boast worthy), and spent more time away from home than I have since in forever.

Did I mention that I may have to work a job for my mom with a schedule that would probably guarantee that I didn't see Alpha until AUgust if he gets this job?

I ask myself what I could possibly give him that he couldn't find elsewheree. The only answer that I can come up with is myself. The only thing he can't find with someone else is me. And these days, when I look in the mirror, me doesn't seem to be quite enough for someone like him.

I had grown complacent within slavery, thinking it was a choice, ignoring his soft vicious smile when he told me that it was no longer something which could be chosen or given up. I disagreed when he stated with such surety that no matter what, I would always be his. If we were no longer married and lived a thousand miles apart, I would still, in my heart, hiding at the bottom of my soul, be his. I railed against the arrogance of unwavering belief in his eyes.
These statements are not, however, made in arrogance. They are simply...True.

It's scary when you realize that you will stay with someone no matter what, even if they were to break your heart into a million pieces over and over again. It's even scarier when all those vast possibilities become...More possible.

Hmmm, I'm rambling distractedly.

Complacency, I think, was a mistake. Our recent physical distance has shown me how much slave I am.

A Lot Has Happened...

I'm sitting here by my mom's back doorstep typing into a text document with the pipe dream of a future, if momentary, internet connection and the time to use it.

I don't even know where to begin...All I can think of at the moment is how terribly bad I miss him, miss living as slave, the feel of his arms, the security of bondage...

A lot has happened this month:

My mom had emergency surgery (it was a big one)
I lived in the hospital for a week
the kids had a huge out-of-state tournament
a chicken died. Not, to my son's dismay, the rooster.
I haven't been home for more than a few hours since April, which suckssss...
We had a huge fight and he slapped me in anger
I'm living with my mom indefinitely until she gets better (kill me now)
sick again. Should have known--it's month five of the year and I had only been sick four times.
Alpha interviews for his dream job in a couple of weeks, and it scares the shit out of me--I miss him now, and the prospect of of living in different states is...Fucking horrible Daunting.

Did I mention that there's no internet at grandma's?

I miss it here...I miss the connection to this part of me. Here isn't even really here because I'm not actually typing on my blog, and it's a bit odd...I miss him.
Yea...It's bad. Seriously, it's like some sort of compulsive obsessive disorder--I can't even think straight because he's always there in the back of my mind.

I need to be reminded that I'm alive. He does that, makes me feel alive...And this job interview, it could be a huge opportunity for him. We both know that his talents are wasted on the life we have been living...If he got the position, it would be a long awaited opportunity for him to fulfill his potential.
There's that stupid little part of me that has always been afraid of being left behind, and I think that, if he was offered the position, this job would necessitate that. It's possible this makes me sound stupid, but the thought of that makes me want to cry.

May I just say that writing in a text document and trying to feel like I'm blogging is just not working out quite as I had hoped it would?

Alpha...He's my drug, my addiction, my compulsion...It's been years since we spent this much time apart. Years during which our M/s was D/s, and the waters we lived in more shallow. The thought of physically feeling his control consumes me, an obsessive itch in the back of my mind...
It has become apparent to me more over the last few weeks than the course of the last few years, that I'm in deeper than I ever dreamed. For all of my struggles with this thing we call consensual slavery, I could never be anything other than his.

I have this fantasy of an hour at an internet cafe with a cup of coffee, surreptitiously visiting my blog to post my drabby little text document (which is not correcting my malfunctioning "d"). Perhaps even...scheduled posts. I might have to wait for that unicorn to carry me off first though...

I have lots of other fantasies too...And they are far, far dirtier. All I can dream is the feeling of his shoulders rippling under my hands and his arms wrapping their possessive strength around me. All I can feel is the need to feel him and drown in his control.
Life without him isn't good for me.

So I'm home now, for a few more hours anyways, and I have so missed it here--my home, my blog, my man, my life. The blog wasn't supposed to be blue for this long either...
Anyways, if I don't respond to comments, it's not because I don't still love you all--it's because I'm living an internet deprived life.
Hopefully I'll get a couple of things written and scheduled to post.