This is the first of a few auto posts. Dunno when I'll have internet again, so I apologise in advance if it takes me a month to answer any comments.
We had a talk about the job and out living arrangements if he gets it, and I'm feeling a lot better about the whole thing, but I'm gonna post this anyways.
In the spirit of complaint, I just have to mention how much I would rather be typing this into my blog at home than sitting at my mom's filling a text document with error ridden ramblings...
So, issue of the week...
This one is important to me. I guess I just feel like I have to explore my feelings before I explode.
The possibility of Alpha living somewhere else for an opportunity he has always dreamed of, and is highly qualified for.
We've been apart for going on 3 weeks now, and may I just mention that panic is setting in at the possibility of this kind of separation being a long term thing?
I had grown complacent with slavery, convinced myself that it was all for him, that his demands were often unreasonable (maybe they are), and that perhaps I wasn't really capable of being the slave he needs--a slave who really and truly couldn't walk away, who lived and breathed to be his, a slave that would do anything that she was told, and was willing to be whatever he wanted, no matter how she felt about it.
In the span of a few short weeks, I have come to wonder how I could have ever managed to convince myself that I could be anything else? Maybe he does deserve a better slave than I, but he owns all that I am. And I have nothing more to give than all in.
Sometimes it feels like the craving for his control is consuming my soul. It's ridiculous really.
And so my fear of abandonment flourishes within our new-found distance and his new-found possibilities. I want this for him. It's huge to have a chance at your dreams, and even better to be as qualified for them as he is. I hope he gets the job. I really do. He has an amazing mind, and he is truly skilled.
And I'm afraid he'll outgrow me. The world is so huge an ripe with possibility an opportunity...While I, well, I am just me...
As I sit here alone in the dark, I can't stop the thoughts of feeling him. It's not so much sex as it is fulfilling the need to fulfill his needs. For him that will express in sex and control. So it's sex and control on my mind. Anything as long as it is at his behest.
It's been a lonely month for me. I have made decisions, become the owner of all that my mom has, acheived the minor miracle of aquiring her medicaid in 2 hours (seriously, if you've ever gotten medicaid, you know that's boast worthy), and spent more time away from home than I have since in forever.
Did I mention that I may have to work a job for my mom with a schedule that would probably guarantee that I didn't see Alpha until AUgust if he gets this job?
I ask myself what I could possibly give him that he couldn't find elsewheree. The only answer that I can come up with is myself. The only thing he can't find with someone else is me. And these days, when I look in the mirror, me doesn't seem to be quite enough for someone like him.
I had grown complacent within slavery, thinking it was a choice, ignoring his soft vicious smile when he told me that it was no longer something which could be chosen or given up. I disagreed when he stated with such surety that no matter what, I would always be his. If we were no longer married and lived a thousand miles apart, I would still, in my heart, hiding at the bottom of my soul, be his. I railed against the arrogance of unwavering belief in his eyes.
These statements are not, however, made in arrogance. They are simply...True.
It's scary when you realize that you will stay with someone no matter what, even if they were to break your heart into a million pieces over and over again. It's even scarier when all those vast possibilities become...More possible.
Hmmm, I'm rambling distractedly.
Complacency, I think, was a mistake. Our recent physical distance has shown me how much slave I am.