Wednesday, May 21, 2014

A Lot Has Happened...

I'm sitting here by my mom's back doorstep typing into a text document with the pipe dream of a future, if momentary, internet connection and the time to use it.

I don't even know where to begin...All I can think of at the moment is how terribly bad I miss him, miss living as slave, the feel of his arms, the security of bondage...

A lot has happened this month:

My mom had emergency surgery (it was a big one)
I lived in the hospital for a week
the kids had a huge out-of-state tournament
a chicken died. Not, to my son's dismay, the rooster.
I haven't been home for more than a few hours since April, which suckssss...
We had a huge fight and he slapped me in anger
I'm living with my mom indefinitely until she gets better (kill me now)
sick again. Should have known--it's month five of the year and I had only been sick four times.
Alpha interviews for his dream job in a couple of weeks, and it scares the shit out of me--I miss him now, and the prospect of of living in different states is...Fucking horrible Daunting.

Did I mention that there's no internet at grandma's?

I miss it here...I miss the connection to this part of me. Here isn't even really here because I'm not actually typing on my blog, and it's a bit odd...I miss him.
Yea...It's bad. Seriously, it's like some sort of compulsive obsessive disorder--I can't even think straight because he's always there in the back of my mind.

I need to be reminded that I'm alive. He does that, makes me feel alive...And this job interview, it could be a huge opportunity for him. We both know that his talents are wasted on the life we have been living...If he got the position, it would be a long awaited opportunity for him to fulfill his potential.
There's that stupid little part of me that has always been afraid of being left behind, and I think that, if he was offered the position, this job would necessitate that. It's possible this makes me sound stupid, but the thought of that makes me want to cry.

May I just say that writing in a text document and trying to feel like I'm blogging is just not working out quite as I had hoped it would?

Alpha...He's my drug, my addiction, my compulsion...It's been years since we spent this much time apart. Years during which our M/s was D/s, and the waters we lived in more shallow. The thought of physically feeling his control consumes me, an obsessive itch in the back of my mind...
It has become apparent to me more over the last few weeks than the course of the last few years, that I'm in deeper than I ever dreamed. For all of my struggles with this thing we call consensual slavery, I could never be anything other than his.

I have this fantasy of an hour at an internet cafe with a cup of coffee, surreptitiously visiting my blog to post my drabby little text document (which is not correcting my malfunctioning "d"). Perhaps even...scheduled posts. I might have to wait for that unicorn to carry me off first though...

I have lots of other fantasies too...And they are far, far dirtier. All I can dream is the feeling of his shoulders rippling under my hands and his arms wrapping their possessive strength around me. All I can feel is the need to feel him and drown in his control.
Life without him isn't good for me.

So I'm home now, for a few more hours anyways, and I have so missed it here--my home, my blog, my man, my life. The blog wasn't supposed to be blue for this long either...
Anyways, if I don't respond to comments, it's not because I don't still love you all--it's because I'm living an internet deprived life.
Hopefully I'll get a couple of things written and scheduled to post.

34 comments:

  1. ((Lil))

    Huge positive thoughts your way..can't hurt...
    You are strong and you are smart and if the dream job means living in a new place, or living apart from him, you will figure it out--both of you will...and you will make it work.

    I hope your mom recovers well and healthy.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Bleuame,
      It is good to see you. You are right, and thank you!

      Delete
  2. Is there a reason you couldn't pack up your kids and follow him to the dream job place (once your mom gets better)?

    And libraries have internet. Sometimes. Or maybe you could order internet for Grammas if you are living there for a month or two.

    Fury

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Fury,
      No...There are certain things which keep us somewhat bound here, no matter what, but no.

      Time out of her house has been rare. Though, I do see home sometime in my (hopefully) near future.

      Delete
  3. So sorry life has been horrible. I've been thinking of you and checking here often. You've been missed. Hopefully things will calm down soon and that the new job will mean great things for your whole family.

    Sending prayers for your mom as well.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. JAS,
      Thank you, and thank you! Your thoughts are appreciated.

      Delete
  4. Hugs! I'm so sorry life is horrible now. Thinking of you!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you, ksst.
      Hug back atcha.

      Delete
  5. Replies
    1. Thank you, and back atcha, Hs.

      Delete
  6. Sending thoughts, smiles, hugs and love.

    It's not easy when you feel like life is kicking your butt.

    Hugs,
    mouse

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you mouse. It really isn't, is it? Good to see you.

      Delete
  7. Been coming by and thinking of you.
    ((HUGS))
    DF

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. DelFonte,
      Thanks for checking in on me! Sorry to be short on pretty words, lol.

      Delete
  8. Lots of hugs...hope things get better soon. I have heard people debate if a M/s relationship is more intense..or not...than a vanilla one. I have no doubt it is.....when apart it is like 1/2 of you is missing. More hugs..
    abby

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. abby,
      Being apart is unusual for us. It's been a long time, and things have certainly changed since then, lol.
      Thank you.

      Delete
  9. oh, sweetie...
    missed you - sorry life is such a big ol' bucket o' suck at the moment.
    (did I mention I missed you?)

    chin up, chica.
    It will all work out eventually. (just grumble a lot in the meantime!)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Jz,
      Yay! I missed you too. Seriously, it might sound silly, but it's good to see you. Really good.

      Thank you! I'm grumbling and warring with senile cats...It's getting ugly!

      Delete
  10. So sorry about everything. There's not much else to say. I hope your mom gets better soon and you get to stay home where you belong.

    As far as Alpha getting the job, you know that what will be is what's meant to be and maybe a move is in sight for all of you. Anything is possible in the universe.

    Glad to hear from you, I was worried that we hadn't heard in weeks.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you sunnygirl. It was all pretty sudden.

      Anything really is possible in the universe. Amazing, isn't it?

      Delete
  11. ((((hugs))))

    i was wondering if you were ok and what was going on, so sorry to hear it was a load of difficult stuff :(
    xxx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. mc kitten,
      thanks. Hopefully things will begin to even out in one way or another sometime soon!

      Delete
  12. I wish I had the perfect thing to say and the perfect solution to fix it all...

    Just try to keep your head up, as much as you can, even if you have to do it from the floor.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you, Misty! Hmmm...I have this idea that I would really prefer to be looking up from the floor in a completely different context than life has had in mind lately, lol.

      Delete
  13. lil - I'm so happy to see you back, i was wondering.... I am sorry life has dumped on you so much lately. I really hope things start to untangle and feel less overwhelming bit by bit.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. gg,
      It's so friggin good to see you. I hope to be back back for real at some point in my foreseeable future.
      I hope so too. two nights in a row at home with my husband woud go a long way at this point!
      Thank you.

      Delete
  14. Glad to hear from you Lil, I was wondering about you. I am so sorry things are so difficult. Sending positive thoughts for your Mom's recovery and lots of (((hugs)))

    Roz

    ReplyDelete
  15. A lot going on indeed lil, try to get some time for yourself in as well, you need to look after yourself!

    take care

    x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. tori,
      I just took an abnormally long shower. I refuse to admit how long it had been. Lol.

      Thank you. It's good to see you here.

      Delete
  16. Hey Lil, I'm sorry about what's been happening as well.
    I feel you on the long distance thing; my relationship consists of spending 4 months apart at a time, like it's a normal routine now. He also has to be in another province to work at His dream job, and I have to be away from Him to pursue mine. I just wanted to let you know that it was totally worth it in the beginning. He got so much further in His field then if He would have stayed with me. Also, I really enjoyed getting myself back for a while. I feel like sometimes I become too wrapped up in Him in this kind of lifestyle. Plus I discovered that I'm so much stronger than I thought, and you are too. It was hard, but it made me grow as a person, and I wouldn't have changed it. However, now that its been a long time, it has started to become not worth it, and I'm done growing lol. Anyways, I just wanted to tell you I had a really positive experience, and for a while it is worth it. All the times I felt like I couldn't take it anymore were eventually outweighed by my personal growth.
    Well I hope that wasn't too long or too preachy. Good luck with everything, you're still cool shit!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Aww, thank you, FOS!

      I'm gad it worked out! I can see how it would get really old after a long time, lol.

      Delete
  17. (((hugs)))

    I hope your mom is getting better!!!!

    Tori is right, remember to take time for yourself!

    Maybe Alpha can give you little tasks to help with that lost feeling?

    I hope everything gets better soon!!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. geekie kittie,
      Thank you! I did shower. Lol.

      Delete

Play nice.