I don't even know where to begin...All I can think of at the moment is how terribly bad I miss him, miss living as slave, the feel of his arms, the security of bondage...
A lot has happened this month:
My mom had emergency surgery (it was a big one)
I lived in the hospital for a week
the kids had a huge out-of-state tournament
a chicken died. Not, to my son's dismay, the rooster.
I haven't been home for more than a few hours since April, which suckssss...
We had a huge fight and he slapped me in anger
I'm living with my mom indefinitely until she gets better (kill me now)
sick again. Should have known--it's month five of the year and I had only been sick four times.
Alpha interviews for his dream job in a couple of weeks, and it scares the shit out of me--I miss him now, and the prospect of of living in different states is...
Did I mention that there's no internet at grandma's?
I miss it here...I miss the connection to this part of me. Here isn't even really here because I'm not actually typing on my blog, and it's a bit odd...I miss him.
Yea...It's bad. Seriously, it's like some sort of compulsive obsessive disorder--I can't even think straight because he's always there in the back of my mind.
I need to be reminded that I'm alive. He does that, makes me feel alive...And this job interview, it could be a huge opportunity for him. We both know that his talents are wasted on the life we have been living...If he got the position, it would be a long awaited opportunity for him to fulfill his potential.
There's that stupid little part of me that has always been afraid of being left behind, and I think that, if he was offered the position, this job would necessitate that. It's possible this makes me sound stupid, but the thought of that makes me want to cry.
May I just say that writing in a text document and trying to feel like I'm blogging is just not working out quite as I had hoped it would?
Alpha...He's my drug, my addiction, my compulsion...It's been years since we spent this much time apart. Years during which our M/s was D/s, and the waters we lived in more shallow. The thought of physically feeling his control consumes me, an obsessive itch in the back of my mind...
It has become apparent to me more over the last few weeks than the course of the last few years, that I'm in deeper than I ever dreamed. For all of my struggles with this thing we call consensual slavery, I could never be anything other than his.
I have this fantasy of an hour at an internet cafe with a cup of coffee, surreptitiously visiting my blog to post my drabby little text document (which is not correcting my malfunctioning "d"). Perhaps even...scheduled posts. I might have to wait for that unicorn to carry me off first though...
I have lots of other fantasies too...And they are far, far dirtier. All I can dream is the feeling of his shoulders rippling under my hands and his arms wrapping their possessive strength around me. All I can feel is the need to feel him and drown in his control.
Life without him isn't good for me.
So I'm home now, for a few more hours anyways, and I have so missed it here--my home, my blog, my man, my life. The blog wasn't supposed to be blue for this long either...
Anyways, if I don't respond to comments, it's not because I don't still love you all--it's because I'm living an internet deprived life.
Hopefully I'll get a couple of things written and scheduled to post.