I've been thinking about that, and I wonder if it doesn't always hold true. Sure, we are responsible for the consequences of our choices, but are we really free to choose our needs? I don't think we are. I mean, to a certain extent we choose our circumstances which often tend to dictate our needs, but I don't think one can just choose not to need D/s...I mean, one can choose to live without it, but that doesn't mean there will be no need, no itch below the surface, no space where it once existed...
What is it about D/s? What makes it magnetic, alluring, so entirely consuming? Why D/s?
I think, no, I know, it makes me feel alive. It evokes sensations and feelings which come to me from no other experience. And even now, in this place where I think I'm living without it, he is quick to point out that such is not the case. I still automatically follow old patterns--sitting on the floor, deferring to his choices, needing his approval...The list goes on and on.
It's silly really, to think I could be anything else. But sometimes I do think that. Maybe it's safer that way? Submission is vulnerability, and maybe sometimes it's easier to wrap that vulnerability up and tuck it away, to hide it even from myself. D/s makes me feel, I mean, really feel. Perhaps sometimes it's easier to avoid that feeling than it is to drown in it. The easy way way out maybe, the lazy path...
The thing is, that's not really living is it, to wander around avoiding the things that make you feel alive?
Vulnerability is scary. But you're right, without it, are you only living a half-life. Now that I have found D/s, I cannot picture my life without it. It's strange how it seeps into everything I think and do. And if you come to the conclusion that you do want to walk away from it, it will take time to extract it from all parts of your life. But if that's what you really need, then that is at the same time being vulnerable and powerful. Wishing you clarity.
ReplyDeleteCM,
Deletethe thing is, concluding that I want to walk away from it is completely different than actually being able to do so. I think that perhaps...It would be insanity to walk away from the opportunity to live one's fantasies. Not that he'd let me walk away from it anyways...
I am with collared mom, life has changed since i found D/s and it is no longer a choice. Good or bad
ReplyDeletejulie,
Deleteit does become a very big part of who you are, doesn't it?
You've hit some sensitive spots over here. Vulnerability and the unfiltered feelings...'needing' all of it to feel alive... It is safer and easier the other way.
ReplyDeleteIf it's a need, if it's something that in losing it means I lose living, there is no choice, is there? I don't like my choices taken away!! Well, not those kind of choices anyway.
Misty,
DeleteRight. Once you're so far in, it's not really possible to choose being something you are not. I mean, I suppose that one could choose to ignore it, but it sounds pretty crazy to ignore who you are if you don't have to...
I think you have answered your own questions. As Alpha pointed out, nothing has really changed, there's just seems to be a slight shift in perception.
ReplyDeletesunnygirl,
Deletewriting does seem to have a way of answering its own questions!
You're right. And I need to shift my perception back to how it used to be.
Great post Lil, love what you said about being able to choose to live without but not free from the need. Love what you said about vulnerability too, sometimes it is easier to hide it away.
ReplyDeleteHugs
Roz
Roz,
DeleteThank you!
It has become rather apparent that the easy path is so rarely the right one...